vril garments by kukubal

five minutes heaven

2012-01-30T13:52:00.004+08:00

what is it really to be in control? some says you have to give up control in order to gain control? it's a very delicate thing this control thing. it has a broad definition, vast perspectives but that's not i want to talk about today.

i think i did write something about self control or self mastery about two years ago when i was in the self transition towards a better chap, towards the public victory. and today i want to continue write about it. self control.

i often look it in the anger management perspective. you know, to hold your tongue from expressing the unnecessary things, things that you might regret saying them, which of course you can't take them back. and that makes it even worse.

being angry or having an argument is perfectly normal for a human being. we all have feelings, and since we are so inevitably complicatedly built, we tend to argue. but it is crucial to know the border line, when to stop, to call it off. to take a step back, and think, do we really need to win this? or is it really worth of a fight? and even, why on earth we argue in the first place?

self mastery is so deep that it can't be measured. only one knows the extend of his self control. but i like to relate it with maturity, kind of directly. if we can control ourselves against the retaliation hence self humiliation in future endeavours, we are in the right direction towards the higher level of maturity.

here i want to share how to control yourself against the constant evil mind chatter that can lead you to do or say something stupid. simple, breathe. deep breathing. take a deep breath, while counting backwards from ten to one in your conscious mind. to make it even better, imagine the shapes of the number you're counting. the more you are drawn into it, the more you are tapped in to your subconscious mind. make sure you breathe via your nose not your mouth. we all born with the endowment of breathing through our nose and directly filling up our lugs. we only breathe through the mouth for massive air intake (if that's a proper way to address it) when we are panic, suffocating or sleepy but that's yawning. and then, once your tummy or your diaphragm to be precise is inflated fully, hold it for one second and then release the air via our nose with the count from one to ten.

with extra oxygen being rushed into our systems, there's plenty of benefits that we gain automatically. one, our muscles, joints and flexes are more relaxed. two, our mind is suddenly freed up from negative thoughts, those tiny sinister whispers or evil drives encouraging us to react aggressively, especially when we are in the middle of an argument. three, it will take us somewhere in our mind, somewhere isolated. it's like you are somewhere else, your mind is withdrawn from the rough discussion. your body might still be there, but your mind is completely focussing on something else. what is more fascinating is, that something is nothing. your mind is totally empty. you regain your balance, and focus. i know, as funny as it sounds, but it is a great technique for you to tap in to your subconscious.

this is very effective if you want to clear your mind after a rough and tough day at work, the traffic congestions or what not, and let your subconscious mind take you to your five minutes day dreaming. it's so refreshing and breathtaking, hence the process :p and you can recharge your brain to continue whatever you are planning to do onwards. it helps you to develop patience, and self control.

i hope it helps. because, it does help me in my golf game and my other daily routine. i was so drawn into my subconscious mind, that i didn't think about anything during my swing, or driving. i just "do" it. it's like brushing your teeth. you woke up in the morning, you never think about how many muscles involved to pick up the brush, how much pressure you put onto the paste so that the right amount of paste coming out and placed onto the brush, how much pressure to put onto your gums and teeth and list goes on. it just happened and it happens everyday without fail.

so, use it repetitively and you'll be good at it. you can use it to control your temper or just to access your five minutes ride into your mind heaven :)

phases of life

2012-01-12T01:10:00.004+08:00

we can not run from ups and downs. everybody has their own sets of problem. life is hard. nobody said it's going to be easy anyway. it wouldn't be a life if it's too easy. it would be dull and monotone. those ups and downs are like colour swatches of life.

i believe whatever happens, happened for a reason. it's not going to be the end of the world right? these are hard times. phases of life. some people face these kind of problems or should i say difficulties probably later in their life. but i'm just being me, lucky enough to be able to experience this earlier in my life phases.

but whatever happens, i have to be patience, remain steadfast of whatever may comes. stand up and head remain high. there are times when i felt that i am all alone in this. surrounded and suffocated. tangled by strings of difficulties. bills to pay, commitments, baby soon to be born, my house for my family for a shelter, bla bla bla.

life. funny when it comes to think of it. at one point you were everything, and then some point of your life later, you are close to nothing. from hero to zero. i remember i used to write posts how grateful i was, blessings, i had everything i could have asked for. the love, happiness, stability, maturity, friends, support, respect, even golf. you name it all. i had those.

now it seems like i'm all on my knees, helpless. some friends become strangers now. your idea seems to come out wrong in every angle. perhaps it's just me feeling all down. mellowed and withered. but i have to go through these. i know i have to. i know i will. because i want to. suddenly all the positivity kicks in :)

now let us pray and cry for His help and guidance. there's no greater help and mercy than Him. i know somehow i'm destined for a greater thing. it's just that i have to endure the current situations and status quo. life. colourful. full of surprises. saturated with sacrifices hence love. if it's not like this, i wouldn't call it a living, and i wouldn't live at all.

i could not ask for more

2012-01-08T21:27:00.005+08:00

i have been listening to old songs..and i come to stumble upon edwin mccain's could not ask for more and i'll be in my old portable hard disk..

so i googled for his live videos and he still not fail to impress me as he did to the same boy 12 years ago :) i learned to play guitar from these songs.

so here are the videos, enjoy them :) please do..

p/s : the basis can sing too..nioce! :P

vril garments by kukubal

2011-12-25T03:58:00.003+08:00

there's so many things that i've learned in the recent months. never thought that leaving and quitting my job was a blessing in disguise.

i'm venturing into some other new things. things which alien to me. i'm learning entrepreneurship in depth. i formed my own company. i learned more about the game of business. market share, business model and strategies, pricing and so forth. never knew that i could have explored into these.

here are some updates on what i'm doing now. i'm now venturing into my long childhood dream business which is t-shirt business. i've been always a fan of fashion. i'm a shopaholic, not that bad but quite acute for a guy. i used to design and sell t shirts when i was young back in my malay college years. but now i'm doing this quite seriously.

some of my friends and relatives laughed at me when i told them i established my own company to sell t shirts. you know, can i make a living selling garments in the streets. but it's okay. i forgive them. i never really care about what people say or what people might think of me anyway. all i want to do is pursue my dreams and do things that i like, things that i love. as long as i'm happy. an answer to my so called early mid life crisis.

i've discovered so many business opportunities and factories that offers original equipment or services manufacturer in china. i've made some contacts and friends over there. i've studied about fabrics in depth. i even learned about fabric spun, blending and dye processing from friends in china, bangladesh and pakistan. seriously, there's bunch of new perspectives, a lot to be learned. who have ever thought that an engineer can get himself all drown into clothing business.

now, the next stage, the next step. i have the products, readily available. based on my market surveys. now i need business models, like where to sell them, who are my niche markets, what kind of people that i target most, the right price for right people, margins, balance sheet, capital turn over, return of investments, etc.

i'll start with the first batch of order. there are 4 of them. roundneck short sleeves t shirts, v neck short sleeves, round neck long sleeves, and v neck long sleeves. there are 5 colors available. the material chosen is 50% polyester 50% cotton blend. they call it CVC polycotton blend in textile industries. i made the designs myself. inspired by several favourite brands like zara, pull and bear, bershka, massimo dutti and etc. i really like inditex grupo, a clothing company from la coruna, spain who owns those brands. and american apparel, a clothing brand from the states who offers cool stuffs too.

i'll be launching my brand i.e. vril garments by january 2012, here in the kuala lumpur. inshAllah. we'll see how. will i survive in this rugged and jagged world of street business. the next batch will be women clothing and pique polo as additions to current products.

the key is patience. perseverance and keeping the flame burning. i'm really exploring both sides of my brain, using both sides since kukubal maju is a sole proprietary company. i'm all alone. the right side which is very much natural to me in designs, colors, networking with potential customers bla bla bla, while planning, costing, scheduling, risk calculation via the lefty. it's not easy, but this is the path i chose. i have to be patience, as i have a family to feed.

work smartly hard, pray and tawakkal. basic recipe for success :)

gradually better

2011-12-06T04:34:00.003+08:00

i've been playing with illustrator quite geeky lately. and i think i'm getting better and better at it. when i said better, i mean way better than i was last year.

here are my latest artworks produced fully using adobe illustrator. i used to created the smart object or shapes in illustrator then exported them into photoshop for further tweaks. but now, i can do it all in illustrator. it's not that hard actually once you figured it out :P

stay tune guys as more cool artworks are coming! oh, i love being just me! :)

waterfall

2011-12-04T03:55:00.005+08:00

deriving from my previous water drops photography project, i decided to transfer my mesmerizing thoughts of them into an artwork that can be linked with another t-shirt design.

hence my new artwork called the waterfall. it is for mcoba weekend t-shirt design. there's a water pipe and a tab just at the back of the west wing with high pressure water coming out from it. we used to bath and do our laundry there since the water pressure was strong enough to cut down the queue or waiting idle time :P we call it the waterfall.

this is the artwork associated with it. it is not finalized yet. it is roughly finished in terms of the strokes but the colour or sizing of the artwork or the coverage or the font can still be tweaked around for better illustration or ease of public visualisation.

all in all, i think i kind of getting better and better with illustrator. things get easier for me now. strokes, expanding paths, creating objects and font editing. i think i can even create my own font in near future. give it a month or two and i'll nail it! so much of the enthusiasm ait? :P

my career transition consultant told me that i can use or switch between both sides of my brain any time that i want or feel like so. don't know whether that can be beneficial to me in terms of dollars :P i can be very right brainedly different kind of different as i am a natural right brainer anyway. i was born with it but i also picked up the lefty skills along the way in the form of experiences which make me unique. i graduated in engineering after all.

that's all for me now folks. i'm out.

character of water

2011-11-30T12:45:00.000+08:00

with all the necessary gadgets plus with the help from my nephew, i finally managed to capture water drops and their behaviour. very interesting indeed. such a simple natural gravity drop obeying the law of nature can be so intriguing.

here are some of the pictures i took.

i used my typical set up, cardboards, tapes, red pebbles from my mom's house decoration, her laundry whitening dye for the blueish purple-ish coloring and towel of course. my room was wet, splashes were everywhere. they gave quite of the character. the splashes the ripples. so many forms and directions. i had fun. really :)

the real challenge was the timing. it was all about timing. but after few tries you'll kinda get the idea. the rhythm. okay, next project will be smoke or light trail project. we'll see. until then, see you when when i see you :P

more logos

2011-11-24T13:36:00.003+08:00

kukubal maju enterprise comprises of few sections under it. part of it are the raster or photography and vector graphics sections. hence, more artstuffs, more artworks :)

this time i've created logos for both kukubal's photography and kukubal's artstuff. both logos will be embedded on all pictures or vector graphics soon to be published for a better security against web theft. i need to make them copyrighted or right reserved. sort of.

i call the artstuff logo for graphics, the "slanting swirls" and "shutter logo" for its photography compatriot. there might be some improvements in near future i warn you as these are finalized yet.

i might print these as a business card or poster or something.

anyway, you are more than welcomed to chip in and give some comments. thanks in advance.

logo designing

2011-11-23T01:47:00.005+08:00

remember when i told you in previous post that i wasn't in a rush to come out with a logo for kukubal maju? well, i lied :P i couldn't resist myself from working on it intensively.

so here is my first design proposal. i call it the "cool tree" logo. it represents me as a whole. why tree? well, i've always like to link trees with human character. the roots are the characters or values. the branches are the behaviours portrayed. in order to have good or balanced living we need strong roots. something like that.

the sort of like creeping up branches are symbolic to the word rising or getting better or growing. suitable for the word "maju" which means success in malay.

furthermore, here is the improved version of 1905 from the previous post. this is to be printed on yellow t-shirt for the pavillioners or those old boys from mohd shah house. i've improved the edges on both the end of number one and five to give it more balanced kinda look. i've also moved the since wording to the upper left corner to give it a more meaningful "since 1905" wording chronology.

more designs coming. stay tuned! :)

kukubal maju enterprise

2011-11-19T05:37:00.006+08:00

i have decided to pursue my long life passion in graphic arts. and my new project is to set up my own t-shirt printing company. i have registered an official company under my name. kukubal maju enterprise. it's a sole proprietorship company and it has a current account opened under its name :)

why maju? it's a good word for success in malay and hopefully will be a constant prayer everytime people mention it. i know it might sounds like a retail shop. but i have my own reasons for it :P

my first design will be for next year's MCOBA weekend celebration. usually some old boys will come and set up booths to sell merchandise. this time around i think i want to participate by selling my own t-shirts or maybe some other form of merchandises.

here is my first design. i will come out with more designs, probably another 3 or 4 of them.

the artwork is called "since 1905". the malay college was formed by a group of malay rulers back in the 1905 with the help from some british academicians, hence the name. school of kings and leaders :P

i'm still in the midst of designing my company's logo. trying to come out with something catchy, something worth remembering yet simple, so simple that people will straightly know that it's me just in a glance. very personalized and institutionalized. and i'm not in a rush for this. hope i can be successful in this. doing something that i love. always have :)

shrunken world

2011-11-11T05:55:00.004+08:00

i bought a new lens. i had always wanted to learn how to capture small and tiny living things. so i decided to buy myself a macro lens. i didn't buy the original canon made lens but i bought a tamron 90mm f2.8 macro 1:1 instead. much much cheaper but it offers almost the same performance as other lens within its specifications.the lens can take portraits too. so it's like two in one kinda lens.

the next morning, i woke up early and went out to my mom's small garden within our porch in search for any insects to be photographed. so here are some of my captures. my début photos in macro. i think i kinda fell in love with macro photography already :) it's like zooming and shrinking myself into their world. their tiny world. reminds me of the lame movie (it wasn't that lame back in the 90's) honey i shrunk the kids. lol!

p/s : for better resolution, click on both pictures for a better viewing. or you can go to my flickr page. thanks in advance! :)

faster

2011-11-04T00:50:00.002+08:00

i've been listening to matt nathanson's new single entitled faster. i really really like the song. it's fun, the beat, the melody and the lyrics. they combined really well. reminds me of his previous hit called come on get higher. i think he writes good melodies. and he sings well too!

anyway, i've been practising the guitar and try to sing it simultaneously. it's quite hard actually, especially to hit the right notes plus maintaining the groove :) maybe one day, i'll post it here, when i'm ready. of course. i don't want to embarrass myself in front of the whole world. definitely not here :P

here's a video clip of matt singing it live. he rocks, does he? :) what a fun song to sing!

convocation

2011-10-31T02:04:00.004+08:00

i went to my baby sister's convocation yesterday. my mission was to take pictures, and to be there for the family. rarely for me :)

despite the blessing to be with family, occasion and the fun, somehow i could say it ended with tragedy. blame on the landscape, i fashionably, recklessly jumped and tripped myself by heavy landing on my both knees, to save my camera from breaking. what's with Malaysia's universities and hilly terrain landscapes!?

i hurt myself quite badly, torn pants on both knees, my shades dented, my camera scratched, nasty cuts everywhere, bleeding like hell, and list went on and on.

i guess, that's the price for being lazy to follow along the provided walkway. i could have done better. seriously. but lesson learnt.

anyway here are some of the picture i took.

my dad. with artificial noise (grainy effect) added to give more drama of a proud father in his smile :)

my mom. first class kiss from first class graduate.

and another blow on my aunt's cheek! she's a kisser, didn't she?! :)

singing birds

2011-10-24T03:34:00.006+08:00

look at how far rozio's angry birds have come. from a 2D games to merchandise to a complete irresistible thing in the society now. it's like everybody is playing angry birds via mobile phones nowadays.

so i've decided to come out with my own version of angry birds. sort of. i thought why not start a new vector project in illustrator. but for me being angry is not good. so i decided to name them singing birds instead. i think they are not angry anymore, right? hihi.

so here are the artworks completed for the time being via my newly installed adobe illustrator and photoshop cs5. enjoy! :) maybe one day i'll commercialize my singing birds into merchandises like t-shirts and mugs of myself :P

self portraits

2011-10-17T04:18:00.012+08:00

i couldn't sleep. so i thought why not try to photograph myself. i used RAW format for ease of editing with maximum exif data retained by the camera processor.

again, using white cardboard, my tripod, in my bedroom's total darkness, so dark that the lens couldn't find anything to focus on so i used my guitar pick as proxy focus point, my speedlite flash and an ikea stand lamp as artificial illuminations, tapes and now, me. after minor tweaks in adobe lightroom, here are the results. i know it's not much and those probably mediocre shots for some of you or perhaps all of you but, it's a good start. i think. and boy, i had fun, at least :)

room for improvements? of course, always will be. i need more gadgets. i need (want actually is the right word) soft box(s) and studio lamp(s)! greedy mode on! hahaha!

mini studio

2011-10-14T23:41:00.012+08:00

i have been playing with different settings and lighting set up with kenny in my room. so i decided to set up sort of like a budget mini studio in my own bedroom using two stand lamps, white cardboard, black cardboard, tapes and my side table.

here are some samples of picture that i took after pre processing in adobe lightroom and then exported them into adobe photoshop for few tweaks before getting published. all in all, the shots were okay in my standard but i found it difficult to get pure white background and i struggled to adjust the white balance in lightroom. the backgrounds are all greyish sort of color. and it's killing me! haha.

next project is going to be human potraits with really white background. lego trucks and playstation joystick are relatively easy to photograph as they lack emotion hence scarce of moments. i need to capture more moments, of living things. first, i need a model and few light sources in order to illuminate the background. wish me luck then.

fresh start

2011-09-21T19:31:00.003+08:00

there is it. that is it. i left PETRONAS. today is my last day. i just surrendered my staff ID card, the laptop and my medical card. today, i voluntarily ceased my employment with the company where i've worked for the past five years. i ended it today.

why did i left? so many people keep asking the same questions again and again. there's a long list of reasons behind it. now, i am comfortable to talk about it, literally. since i am no longer with the company, i think i have the edge, the platform to be able to discuss about it. i left because i wanted an escape, a great escape from what bothered me. the never ending fire fighting. i constantly struggle to motivate myself to perform. i found it difficult to pull myself together and drive towards operational excellence. i left, because i want a fresh start. a new place, somewhere else where i can start all over again. learn new things. i needed a new challenge. i was getting complacent and getting dull. i need to see new things. new puzzles to solve.

i left because i think it's high time for me to move. five years in one place is too long they say. maybe. perhaps i should have opted for new windows a lot sooner but two or three years back was different. things were different back then and certainly change took place now, permits me to move. i was inexperienced. i was a lot younger, naive and full of temperaments back then. but now, things changed. not to say that i'm wise now, but i think i've done a good job with self development and i am more compose now, a lot tactful in my behavior. i have experiences in lot of things, be it in operations or management and entrepreneurship.

so i think the time has come for me to open my windows of options in order to find new boxes of better stuffs. better offers, better jobs both in terms of monetarily and growth. sam said, life is all about opening the boxes. there's plenty of different boxes out there for us to discover and waiting for us to be opened. if we open the right box, we will get the most of it, and the most of us.

now, let's talk about what's next. for the time being, while i am in job hunting, i am going all out in pursuing my long life hobby, photography and graphic designs. i am starting to market myself, promoting a total thorough solutions of services. for different levels of clients out there. ranging from photography, graphics, photo editing, wedding photos, outdoor photos, baby photos, family and family event photos, commercial graphic works like menu, company profile and the list goes on. will i find myself a new job? sure, i want to. but this time i am going to be very selective about my options. i want to do something where i can leverage my skills, my strengths, my repertoires. probably strategic planning, or business development or stuff like that. my forte is i'm good with meeting people. so i want to take advantage of that.

what else? pursue further studies is an option. i think MBA is a good tools for me to be well equipped if want to be a good strategic business planner. self entrepreneur is also an option. a laundry business do sounds good. i don't know so many things in my mind. i just need to sit back and carefully assess all the options available.

nevertheless, to keep me going, i've already started my graphic and photography marketing. some extra cash is always good :)

so if you need any graphic or someone to take your picture in any occasions be it in a wedding, birthday party, outdoor family get together, anything, just call me. and rates can be liberally negotiated.

until then, i am out. pray for my success, please. the new journey, new beginning starts today. and i am all opened, ready for a fresh start!

seasoning seasonal me

2011-08-09T03:45:00.001+08:00

i went back to JB last weekend to visit my in laws. there's this remark that my wife gave that somehow lingers in my head until now. she said that i'm seasonal. i like to get involved in many things but slowly i will find myself phased out. hurmm~

let's us see what is happening now. i kind of agree on her that my blog is running cold lately for the past few months. but it is not seasonal. it is just that i am so busy with work that i hardly find time to write and to update.

she also said that my photography life is dying and my kenny is getting dusty, since i have new mate now, my Playstation 3. she complained even those pictures taken during our Hong Kong trip last June were not uploaded. not even in facebook! :) ya, i admit on that. i was so lazy to go through the hustle of uploading and editing pictures.

i have not been on any golf course for nearly over three months now. i have stop working out regularly. less sit ups, less bicep curls. less jogs. no futsal games. i sleep less, playing video games.so what is really happening to me and what is happening now? the answers are, i simply don't know.

what i know now, sleep and video games are all that matter. hehe. i am so exhausted, worn out and lazy nowadays. after all i have been through past months. i call this lazy months. my wife call it mid life crisis! :P well, i'm not sure about any crisis but, i surely think a lot lately. about many things. so many things going on in my head. pounding. and it hurts. that's why i laid back a lot and in reluctant mode most of the times.

so am i really that seasonal kind of person? who lacks the follow through and consistency? or am i just plain seasoning and tired? probably both. but knowing me, i always bounce back and rejuvenate. but it will take sometimes. i hope it's going to be soon. i found it very hard to motivate myself and somehow self driving motivation is tricky lately..in the seasoning seasonal me.

a story behind the selling

2011-05-16T00:22:00.004+08:00

i sold my old lenses last week. two of them. one, my old "kit lens" canon EFS 18-55mm with IS and two, my zoom lens canon EF 75-300mm USM III. i posted them in the internet via mudah.com.my and ftz.com.my. would you believe it? i never thought i would do it either. but it really caught me in surprises. really.

it was amazing how quickly and how effective this internet marketing can be. it took them only few minutes to text and call me. and the most surprising thing ever was, it only took me one day to sell both lenses. after both buyer handed me the cash, i said to myself " man, that was quick"..

what really went right back then? was it the coverage that the internet covers, the real time basis of the marketing, or was it the price tags that i posted were too low that caught most attentions? i simply don't know. maybe all those played their respective roles. 50 texts and few calls..all asking on the availability for both lenses. until today! well, guys, sorry, both lenses sold! :)

now lets talk about the buyer. both of them are very young, still new in the business, relatively and both of them are still studying. what? how on earth you guys can afford to buy dslr while studying? it's either their parents are rich enough to pamper their kids with gadgets and toys or, it's purely, the excitement, the passion that drives them.

now, what really touched my heart was, that both boys don't even have any other lens other than what they bought from me. and one of them just bought the body, it was canon 1000d i think, and it took him months to be able to purchase, a second hand kit lens. i said what? how would you going to take pictures without a lens? he said, patience brother, patience. and one of them did, took the trouble to ask me, what is it to feel like being able to buy brand new stuffs?

gosh, i whispered to myself. it's like a hard flash back on what i used to be. i used to be broke most of the times. it was hard back then when i was in the college and during my university days. i used to fast in order to save money and minimize my expenditure. i grew up in a moderate family. now i remember. i remembered it all..

life is changed. i changed mine and the whole family. i bought a house for my parents. i paid my car already. i don't have credit cards as i don't rely on one. the only debts i have are my house and a personal loan. but what is it so important other than this? this all lavishness? does money guarantees happiness? well, artificial one for sure, and money helps. a lot. but it is not everything.

now, from the lesson of selling the lenses, i learned that not everybody is lucky. not everyone can climb up this far. some people just whithered. hope fades away, consumed by needs and necessities. and i learnt that, in this life, i must give. give back. in order to blossom. to bring back meaning in it. contribute, sharing, help others. that are things i want to do. my sister said that i have all the talents that i can share with others. why not? maybe photography, those artworks can be a good start. self motivation is also my thing and maybe i can do something about it. you know, to help others.

but a part of me inside keep asking, how sure can i be to help others? does it going to work? how would people perceive me? since i am far from perfection, what makes i think i can help other people's life?

well, those are mean questions. but being mean does not necessarily kills. i am mean, i was mean though. but i am not proud of it. i learned from it, from being mean to self mastery. and marks, the maturity. sometimes i miss those people who helped me going through the process of change. the painful steps that i took. the bitter words, the etch, the tears, the heart and the me.

p/s : the picture above has nothing to do with the story.

new eyes

2011-04-17T07:18:00.010+08:00

yes, my kenny just got a brand new pair of lenses later last week. i had a deep dilemma whether to buy a new body to replace status quo kenny or, to buy lens(es) instead.

after weeks of contemplating and reviewing, i've decided that full frame body in the likes of 5D mark II is way beyond my cash flow capabilities while 7D was a huge temptation especially with 19 focus points equipped with new processor but not just yet this time.

thus, in order to fulfill my hunger for new challenges and excitements when it comes to photography, i needed to overcome kenny's limitation. constant aperture and focal length were the two items identified. hence, came the two new lenses.

let me introduce my new wide angle lens. tokina 11-16mm with f2.8. i wanted a wide angle lens after series of frustration to capture great architectural sceneries, group photos in narrow spaces and landscape with maximum coverage. the constant aperture of 2.8 is a bonus. we don't really need that wide of aperture for wide angle lenses anyway. but i'm sure it will do much advantage when it comes to low light condition.

then, i come to justify my purchasing of my new "kit lens" replacing the old canon 18-55mm lens. tamron 28-75mm with f2.8. i'm so thrilled with this lens. it offers just about the coverage i want when it comes to focal length. it can do portraits as well since it can be stretched to such low depth of field, hence good bokeh. again, f stop 2.8 factor comes handy :) and also, it can be fitted onto a full frame 35mm body, incase i want to upgrade to full frame in near future. so all in all, i'm satisfied with my new lenses.

i wanted to buy canon brand lens but the budget is rather a constraint. third party lenses have their disadvantages but they do have few pros. and the value for money is the outstanding one, i have to agree with that. they are relatively cheaper but the performances portrayed are not bad at all for third party lenses. seriously.

i hope these new eyes for kenny can boost up its function and show me what it really can offer. with a circular polarizer filter and a natural density 8 filter, i know we all can do wonders in future endeavors! here are some of my recently captured. blurred all the way :) for better pixel and clearer viewing, click on each of the pictures below.

twenty eight and counting

2011-03-24T23:18:00.007+08:00

twenty eight and on and on and onwards. yes, almost three decades. twenty eight is simply can no longer be round out down to 25. sigh.

last Monday was my twenty eighth birthday. i received quite a number of wishes from friends and family members. but nothing can match up the essentialness of my wife's effort to celebrate me and my sign of ageing day.

for the first time in my life, someone wrote and read me a poem about how she feels about me. man, i was so touched by her effort. speechless. she even read it in front of almost 30 friends of mine last weekend when me and my MCKK brothers had a small "family" gathering. you know, with wifes and kids around. but of course, i played cool about it. but deep inside i'm all healed. hence, the warm hug i gave her after she finished her last line, which rhymed inadvertently with former lines.

but birthdays will always be birthdays. meaningless if we don't sit back and reflect on our achievement or improvement throughout the preceding year. as a matter of fact, birthday is the right time to look back, just right on the dot. the timing couldn't be any perfect than that.

i looked back on what i've achieved when the number was still 27. honestly, signing a life partner was the hype of the year and probably one of the best thing ever happened through out my entire life. god, i am so grateful to you that Firdaus's path and mine crossed.

anyway, here are some pictures taken during our little family day at FRIM, Kepong last weekend, held in conjuction with the closing ceremony for our tenth years anniversary celebration. well, it was a good outdoor hang out,with good food, with best friends around, kids around and most of all, with my wife around :) enjoy~

group photos..boys only =P

group photos together with wifes and kids :)

managed to sing along our glorious used to be cheering song entitled "istana kuning" back when we were in form five :P

the poem she wrote..

she read it..quite bluntly loud :P but i love it, every single line of it..

the hug, my appreciation gesture :)

naughty boy :P

make up competition..i think Firdaus had her revenge well taken :P

and boys will always be boys..hehe :P

free will and resilience

2011-03-05T13:00:00.005+08:00

i had a movie marathon last night. i watched oscar triumphant the king's speech, followed by matt damon's the adjustment bureau. there's no doubt that colin firth was sublime and superb. they the whole crew deserved the oscar. matt's twisting love story with emily blunt was not disappointing either. it's good in its own way. i like it too. well, not as good as similar lost and found romantic comedy love story in the likes of serendipity or stardust, but surely it gave me the fruitful thoughts after the movie.

i learned that, justin bieber's slogan never say never is so true from both movies. wherever there's a will, sure there will be a way. free will is so precious that only we mortals have the luxury to think, decide and use our emotional feelings on almost anything. it's a privilege, really.

in my quest fighting procrastination, i must never yield on tempting voices to sit back and waste time. i must hold on to my will for success. and success is a product of sacrifices and hard work. there's no short cut. i've read so many successful stories of successful people, and most of them have a few traits in common, maximum time capitalization and of course, resilience. they didn't wait. they acted. immediately. and when they stumbled, they never gave up.

so, i've found out my weakness against time capitalization. i lack the sense of urgency. in most things. so i really need to work on it. everybody does. even the great king george the sixth worked on his stammer. and he worked hard. no exception. so do i. i have to. if i want to achieve whatever my goals are. i don't want to dwell on past glories. move on and work hard.

life is hard. life consumes us. life requires us to make sacrifices. it's not easy. well, nobody says it was easy. and surely, nobody says it's going to be this hard. and now, many things are urgent.

marry you

2011-02-27T08:03:00.004+08:00

i've been listening to bruno mars' latest single entitled marry you. it's kind of catchy but i got to admit the lyrics are rather cheesy. but all in all, i like the song arrangement and the instruments' combination.

here's the lyrics for your kind thoughts. a fruitful thoughts though!

It’s a beautiful night,
We’re looking for something dumb to do.
Hey baby,
I think I wanna marry you.

Is it the look in your eyes,
Or is it this dancing juice?
Who cares baby,
I think I wanna marry you.

Well I know this little chapel on the boulevard we can go,
No one will know,
Come on girl.
Who cares if we’re trashed got a pocket full of cash we can blow,
Shots of patron,
And it’s on girl.

Don’t say no, no, no, no-no;
Just say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah;
And we’ll go, go, go, go-go.
If you’re ready, like I’m ready.

Cause it’s a beautiful night,
We’re looking for something dumb to do.
Hey baby,
I think I wanna marry you.

Is it the look in your eyes,
Or is it this dancing juice?
Who cares baby,
I think I wanna marry you.

I’ll go get a ring let the choir bells sing like oooh,
So whatcha wanna do?
Let’s just run girl.
If we wake up and you wanna break up that’s cool.
No, I won’t blame you;
It was fun girl.

Don’t say no, no, no, no-no;
Just say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah;
And we’ll go, go, go, go-go.
If you’re ready, like I’m ready.

Cause it’s a beautiful night,
We’re looking for something dumb to do.
Hey baby,
I think I wanna marry you.

Is it the look in your eyes,
Or is it this dancing juice?
Who cares baby,
I think I wanna marry you.

Just say I do,
Tell me right now baby,
Tell me right now baby.

Cause it’s a beautiful night,
We’re looking for something dumb to do.
Hey baby,
I think I wanna marry you.

Is it the look in your eyes,
Or is it this dancing juice?
Who cares baby,
I think I wanna marry you.

:) a big smile there..

the new monarch

2011-02-16T22:32:00.011+08:00

it's been almost a fortnight after my solemnization. alhamdulillah, so far so good. despite those small hiccups here and there, i had always know that in the end, all will be well. and thank god, it all went well. and one thing for sure, me and my family, we totally nailed it at our reception, especially. that, i assure you :P

and, i did cried after i did it. it was so stressful prior to the confession, the matrimony. the confession of acceptance. like a mountain to climb. i was panting, excessively. but tried my ultimate best to remain composed and collected, clandestinely :)

and in one breath, i was officially married and her father officially handed her over to me. and tears couldn't stop flowing. but at the same time i was flooded with relief. what a day to be remembered. it was like, living a full life in a few seconds. it's like it all flashed back in front of my bare eyes. my life, the whole cycle. and the tears were for the beginning. of a new life, a new chapter. it was like i'm giving birth to a new monarch, a new idealism, full of responsibilities.

and then, the irony starts. it's kind of strange that i couldn't express much what i'm feeling now. i'm always exaggeration prone, the explosively expressive, full of thoughts. and facial expressions, imitations from movies, waving hands, redundant and repetitive words or lines were my thing. but when it comes to this, it's like i'm so secretive, i keep it all to myself. mysterious isn't it?

but one of my close friends, ninie, said, she sees the good stuffs in me now..that i'm more relaxed. well, that's something good to know, ain't it sunny? :) and i do hope it's true, and far more important, it's going to be permanent and blooming, and i will be all dandy.

but it's not all about me nowadays, right? i hope i can make her happy. and everybody. including me. and i'm trying my best to. it's so funny how i do it. tolerate. against the differences. against the odds. well, this is life. i know it's not going to be easy. but this is it. the life that i've always wanted. balance and humble. that every modest guy prays for. and modest is not average, not necessarily. and surely, balance is not something ordinary. hardly.

me against procrastination

2011-01-23T05:10:00.002+08:00

hi everybody. finally, the new blog layout for the year 2011 has completed and on air for the first time. yes, as i promised earlier, i will use my wedding theme as my new blog layout.

unfortunately, the header seemed to have problem with resolution and sharpness, so i guess i'll just fix that later.

why against procrastination? well, personally, procrastination is my big stumble blockage. it's like, if i can go through this, i'll be better, no, not just better, i'll be the best among most.

procrastination has been my problem over the years. this year, i want to deal with this so called deep venom once and for all. hence, the new blog title. no more light at the end of the tunnel. since, i've found the light. right? lol.

so for the time being, enjoy the new look. i'm still trying to change the color theme, i mean, the font colors and all, but i just can't find where it is. but heck, i'll find it later anyway. (was that a sign of a brief procrastination?!)

taman botani

2011-01-09T16:38:00.004+08:00

it's been a while since i last went for outdoor photo shoot outing. yesterday i went to taman botani, putrajaya with few close friends. it was awesome!! simply. it was.

here are some of my pictures.

i went as low as i could. get dirty and sweaty. as high as i could. to get that extraordinary angles and perspectives. but still, i think i need a new lens. maybe a new kit lens with an acceptable zoom range and aperture. maybe a macro lens perhaps since i'm kind of like those macro capturings on bugs, flowers and follicles. but i need a wide angle lens too :P hahaha~

seeing the result from faqroul's newly purchased 60D, i think the processor really kicks in when it comes to the color and refreshing details. of course i can always process them in photoshop in my post processing but i personally think it is time for me to upgrade myself to an intermediate slr. my kenny 500d is an entry level. not to downgrade kenny (poor thing) but, a higher level of processor really going to help me.

is it the camera or is it just me needing a new lens to add up some spice in my captures. maybe it's time to do some research on new lens in the market. and conduct a feasibility study whether to upgrade to 7d straight or just settle with 60d first. we'll see. afterall, i just bought kenny. one year ago.

whatever it is, i need additional lens. full stop. period.

MMXI the new beginning

2010-12-30T15:29:00.005+08:00

this year's coming to its end. my god. time really flies. it feels like it was yesterday when we moved on from MMIX. so many things happened this year yet i can't list them down.

as usual, when the new year comes, i'll change my blog layout. just to give it a new color, new life, new hope. but honestly, i am still contemplating what theme shall i be using and what motto will it be as the header.

since i'm in the midst of designing my own wedding reception invitation card, i'm thinking of using the same theme as my new blog layout. to give it the honor to her and the whole wedding thingy. to encapsulate the whole memories of my big day in my humble scratch page. in conjunction with they say.

may MMXI be the most wonderful year ever. may it be the blast. i pray for the good things to happen in MMX. let us wave our hands and say goodbye to MMX and say hello MMXI, the new beginning.

p/s: the new theme is more or less like this. and it's still under construction. thus, stay tuned. love, me, iqhbal naeem.

checklist checked

2010-12-15T02:20:00.004+08:00

i have so many things to be done. most of them are, DONE. in the likes of, barang hantaran, my baju melayu, nurfirdaus's long dress, her handbag, her shoes, her crabtree and evelyn stuffs, my golf oakley, etc. and to be honest, i didn't know getting married can be this stressful :)

but i always find a way to run things simultaneously, correctly even at the very last minutes. call me jack of all traits, master of none.

the problem is, with the three stooges i call us, me my sister and my mom, we do most of the things ourselves. we want to do it ourselves. and at some point, i was thinking of taking our wedding pictures myself until my mom reminded me that i'm supposed to be wedded, celebrated, NOT taking pictures :P we search for fabrics, all the way to singapore, we found the perfect lace and bought everything, for everybody but we skipped the satin and the chiffon. how irony was that? i designed my baju melayu, sampin and her dress myself. and not forgetting the tanjak.

the hall also, checked. booked. together with the master of ceremony. which i rather let it remain anonymous for a heat surprise. if only i can do the pelamin myself. but hey, i did engaged a wedding planner, but basically i gave her a big headache when i sketched those layouts myself. the hall decors, the fresh flowers arrangement, the bench selection. crazy.

we even went to nilai, three of us, who else other than me, my mom and my sister, in quest for doorgifts. but of course i leaved the tedious works to them. gluing ribbons and plastic flowers and arranging crystals for our hantaran, let's just say, i am too busy to get my hands dirty :P but i did had a say in everything. the color. the arrangement. everything.

the very big question is, is it normal for me to have my hands on all aspects? maybe. it depends. but i just want to say that i am all proud of myself, my mom and my beloved young sister for what we had pulled out together. the sweats, the fights in fabric shops, etc. man, you have no idea how ugly it was. got lost in singapore, when my phone blacked out, and we couldn't refer to GPS anymore to get back to malaysia, and only confusing foreign sign boards to guide us. how crazy was that? it was fun though, that's for sure.

but i know, in the end, this will be all over, and going to be just fine. i know, it's not perfect, nor it will be a perfect wedding. but i do know, that i've tried my best to make it happen, as perfect as i want it to be. it may not be perfect, but definitely it's worth it. and i love it.

p/s: the only two things left are, the invitation card and the nikah registration which is approximately 50% completed. taking things slow, as i prefer first things first.

memories last

2010-12-15T01:42:00.004+08:00

i just watched the reader in one of the satellite television channels. i didn't know the movie was THAT good. it was simply, touchy sort of like two in one story. what a drama. i've always like drama movies. interview with vampire, count of monte cristo, the prestidge, etc. those are my favorites. but this drama really hit me deep.

the first story was about a cold boy fell in love with an older women probably twice his age. but the affair only lasted one summer. but she left a big impact on his life. he was in love, that's for sure. they make love and then he read her, story books. oh, she loved it. being read. he thought it was real. but then she left and she didn't say goodbye. he waited, but only to know that it was dead over.

few years later, he met her again, but this time not at her cozy small apartment secretly. this is where the second story started. this time he met her, no, not literally met her. technically, he saw her. but at a court trial. apparently, she's one of the defendants of jewish genocidal war criminal. she was in a jewish camp before she met him which eventually become a professional law practitioner. she was a SS soldier. she admitted that she committed those crimes, just to stay in her denial state of mind. that she is an illiterate. not be able to read and write.

but the story is not about her sentence to be imprisoned for lifetime. it is how she learned how to read during her sentence. he kept sending her tapes. tapes of those stories he used to read her years before. long long time ago. he's probably in his 40's, divorced, always lonely and cold as always. and she utilized those tapes to learn to read, and write.

all in all it was a good movie. heartbreaking. and david kross, the young boy and kate winslet were superb in their acting.

but ego pays. a lot. and ego kills. at the end of the movie, she killed herself. probably by the same reason why she was imprisoned for lifetime, her ego.

but, the memories last. they lasted for his entire life. he couldn't forget her. the details. every. single. detailed details. how he met her for the first time. how he used to read her books. even after she's gone.

same goes to me. i might not be the same lawyer who was pervert enough to have an affair with someone older but i do, have my own set of stories. stories which i rather call them the quiet things that no one ever know.

i might looked okay, but deep down inside, there are some things, embedded. they stay. intact. like the reader.

yeah yeah yeah

2010-12-13T22:18:00.000+08:00

yeah yeah yeah. oh yeah. i think it's been a while since i wrote here. nothing much. hectic with daily routines and the preparation details.

but hey, chris brown just released his new single entitled yeah three times. i think the video was cool. brown at his best again. at least. tantalizing beat and cool video. after all those rihanna black eyed thingy, right? his moves, the quick feet dance, simply terrific. it reminds me of forever and with you's video :)

here's the video link. enjoy it though~

time is running fast, the clock is ticking superfluous. so many things to do. but deep down inside i know, these all are worth it, and everything is going to be just, just just, fine. finger crossed~

finally finally

2010-11-22T20:12:00.006+08:00

finally. finally. and finally. i'm engaged. my intention to marry her was pure and truthful. that i almost drop tears when her father said he accepted my uncle's engagement proposal on behalf of me and my family.

finally my sincerity is accepted sincerely by the receiving end. sincere and honest enough to accept me for who i am and for who i've been. and for who i am going to be and always be. honesty is no longer the hardest thing for me. now it's all about me and honesty.

finally finally i got what i always want which is sincerity. finally finally she's all my true and truthful authenticity. and finally finally i am almost complete, completely.

i am all happy. everybody is happy. all cheery for the soon to be, finale, finally finally :) then i can hold my chin high that i live my life truthful, and hopefully successfully. they rhymed, yeah! :P

old cottage

2010-11-17T03:19:00.004+08:00

i'm back at my hometown, Kuantan. for this year's eid-ul adha. there's always something refreshing about this house. the house where i grew up. and there will be always something to ponder, to refresh and freshen up about when i come back to this house.

this is the house where i used to feel everything was so big. but now everything in this house is small. and looks cute and simple. like how three of us, me, my brother and my little sister used to be. and it's always nice to look back at our toys, our old bedroom, the bed sheets, my room in the attic, my old lego collections, my sister's cute old Garfield knitting, our old pictures and frames, our old text books, our old t-shirt collections. all the things are still there, untouched. man, it is good to be back. it's almost a year past since last time i was in this house.

it's not that i don't want to go back, as my mom always keep pressing me to drive her back during weekends. but work commitments, golf, and other stuff prohibited me to do so. but it doesn't necessarily mean i don't miss my origin.

well, sometimes, it's good to rewind back where we come from. to remind back how far have we come so far. the stretch. so far yet so close. i might have bought another house in the city but my heart still beats this house. so close and dearly. this is where it all started for me and the whole family, 5 of us.

i miss my childhood. this cottage speaks the whole volume, the whole spectrum of memoirs of my childhood, and my journey. sigh~

remember november

2010-11-08T19:50:00.002+08:00

it's almost half past november. so fast. feels like the year is just started. like it was still in march or april. man. time really flies. so fast in a blink of an eye, you won't notice that people around you change, a lot. and worse, you won't be able to realize how much you have changed over the months.

speaking of november, at this point last year, i was still in Sarawak. staying up late. usually. that time, i just picked up golf, about to buy myself a set. look at me now. back home in the capital, and golf is almost everything now :)

last year november was one of the toughest months, difficult period of time, in my life. i learned a lot this month last year.

this year, it's all a different story now. i am getting engaged two weeks from now. who ever thought of that huh? :P

nothing much to point out in this post. i just want to share how much i've changed as an employee and as a person, as a whole. and i am much happier. stable. chilled :) yeah, it's good to be back. i mean it. it's GOOD. till then, i'll catch up with you later, with more updates on the engagement. OMG! i'm getting married!! :P

bridge it closer

2010-10-25T15:26:00.003+08:00

just because we are different in many ways, it does not mean that one of us is wrong. how many times i've wrote this line in numerous posts before.

all we have to do is learn, learn and keep learning about each other. embrace the difference, accept and respect the gap and bridge it closer by mutual interest and consent.

this is very crucial. in sustaining any relationship. stop day dreaming of the impossible, the existence of "the other half" or the significant other or someone similar like you. there's no such thing as such. everyone is unique. even a mother can think differently and argue with her daughter. and even a twin brothers killed each other over a girl.

but i, have knowledge over this. for years. i will not let the same old mistakes reoccur. and i will not forgive myself for any secondhand stumble. it's so cheap that my pride is too big to tolerate with.

i have to be wise and tactful in this. to please all sides. everybody. i know it doesn't sound right, saying it alone doesn't make it any better. but this life, of a matured person. i have to do this.

be careful of what you say and what you wish for. you might get it all. even the bad ones. and too much of anything can make us sick.

perseverance is the key. keep myself on top of everything. compose. think thrice then name the price. it will be a surprise. of what i can pull of :)

tealing fuchsia

2010-10-20T00:10:00.003+08:00

fuchsia and teal. yes, finally, i made up my mind and managed to convince my ever fussy mom to choose teal and fuchsia as our theme colors for our reception. what a combination!

on and onwards

2010-10-18T00:04:00.004+08:00

last weekend i drove to johor bahru with my mom. to her place. along with cupcakes and fruits. long story short, the deal is on. and onwards. say hello to sunshine, the light, the lantern :)

big step for steep bloke :P now contemplating on the theme color~

complement and compliment

2010-10-10T20:55:00.005+08:00

we are like symmetrically complementing each other. and isometrically keep complimenting each other. she loves numbers and i'm better in words, colors, shapes, songs and bla bla bla. basically, everything less structured, and anything else other than rigid set of things named numbers. i lead, she manage. and i like that. it's the thoughts that count. 11th of february next year is the date selected. i know it's kinda rush but we are working for it "virgoriesly" as a substitute for vigorously. yeah, i made that up :)

she is so sequentialed and organized. well, you know me, obviously jumbled up yet rhythmic =p

i got you

2010-10-10T13:30:00.004+08:00

i've been listening to leona lewis' i got you over and over again. what a nice song from a talented sweet singer. i just want to say that i'm so glad and proud that i found you. finally :) enjoy the lyrics~

a place to crash
i got you
no need to ask
i got you
just get on the phone
i got you
come and pick you up if i have to
what's weird about it
is we're right at the end
and mad about it
just figured it out in my head
i'm proud to say
i got you

go ahead and say goodbye
i'll be alright
go ahead and make me cry
i'll be alright
and when you need a place to run to
for better for worse
i got you
i got you

ain't falling a part, or bitter
let's be bigger than that and remember
the cooling outdoor when you're all alone
we'll go on surviving
no drama, no need for a show
just wanna say
i got you

cause this is love and life
and nothing we can both control
and if it don't feel right
you're not losing me by letting me know

a place to crash
i got you
no need to ask
i got you

and you have me.. :)

towards the completion

2010-10-04T22:01:00.006+08:00

how irony things can be. how fast things turned out to be. after weeks of self searching, and self reflection, i am now not just getting better, a bonus, a blessing, a privilege to have her coming into my life in a very unexpected fashion which none of us can ever derive.

after all these years. after all the sufferings. after all those battle scars. finally, i have what i want, what i always wanted, only after i realized that i am nobody, not even close to perfection. then, she entered this timid life, purging the air back into it. like an apparatus. and now, i'm inhaling alternated by exhaling.

i couldn't believe this is happening. so does her. both of us can't believe that in months time, we are complete. all in all, i am so happy and glad that my prayers are answered. gratitude to Him, i am now changing my pace, my course towards the ultimate thingy, called fulfilling. lets pray to Him so that things will go smooth in future endeavors.

for the first time in my life, it doesn't feel so hard. no doubt, no hassle, no worry. and i don't have to be anybody, nobody, just me. like it's my destiny. surely, this will be the most anticipated event of all time. can't wait :)

vaccine

2010-09-28T16:45:00.002+08:00

rehab rehabilitation. getting better. vaccination is finally here.

new drivey

2010-09-21T19:42:00.005+08:00

i just bought myself a new driver. taylormade burner to be exact. and i was successful with my tee off last week. i love my new drivey :)

here is one snapshot for 7th hole second shot. iron 6. but it wasn't that successful as i wanted it to be. hahaha :p

sick

2010-09-21T11:34:00.004+08:00

today i just learned hard truths. sour and bitter to swallow. number one, i am emotionally sicked and i need help. that's it. when you are mentally ill your physical also very much affected. i lost my fire, my positive energy. it feels like i am all soaked in a acidic swamp. i don't really feel good. laid down. couldn't eat. number two, she's getting married. well, everybody is leaving. and when i looked around, i am all alone. too bad. another pain. and this is beyond comprehension. sigh~

home

2010-09-18T13:39:00.002+08:00

as usually, with bad morning breath, picked the guitar up, forced my younger sister to hold the camera phone for 4 minutes long, and wallah! there you go. and these places and the faces are getting old, then i'm going home.

patience

2010-09-16T05:58:00.002+08:00

don't get too carried away, i say. sit back and observe more. for more signs. i need more data to work with. lalalala~

happy eid-ul fitr 2010

2010-09-10T06:18:00.004+08:00

this blog is suppose to convey good and meant for nothing but kindness. i never intend to offend anyone, not one soul. hence, in conjunction of this year's sacred eid-ul fitr and its blessings, i seek thousand apologies to all of you, body and soul, externally and internally, my most appreciated anonymous "the readers".

especially to innocent "wan nur ashikeen", always jovial "sakinah al-mubarakah", my sweet "tuan habibah" and my dearest "tunku isma adrina" for all my wrong doings, wrong sayings and my wrong writings. forgive me for all my verbs, nouns, vocals and thoughts. you guys mean a lot to me. and this is my admission of guilt. when lies become the truth, that's when i run to you. i regret all the sins i ever said or done to you, everyday as it will never cease, my love to you.

and the rest of you out there, i seek hundreds of forgiveness from you if i ever offend anyone via this humble personal thoughts scratching page.

pink is the theme for this year's eid color. and so does my heart to all of you. have a good raya. till then, keep on reading, just iqhbal naeem :)

up in the air

2010-09-09T04:30:00.009+08:00

i watched the movie last month. i didn't get the chance to watch it at the cinema few months back so i bought the original copy dvd. seriously, it's a good movie. now i feel like writing about it even though i could have jobbed this down long time ago. yes, procrastination. still lingers :)

it's about a man who works for a company which offers a service to any organization in a very specialized delicate task of disemployment. in laymen term is, he goes around to fire people out of their jobs. how sick is that? but he is freaking good at it. he's good in everything he does.

but i am here not to talk about george clooney and his cold cruel occupation. i'm here to write about how deceiving this life can be. if we are not careful and mindful enough bout it.

a promising young talent also been assigned to under shadow him. she has to follow him around to learn how to fire people effectively. i can't believe if there's such thing for a living. anyway, the character in that movie also goes all over the states not just to put a formal misery into people's life, but he also gives motivational talks. he fights for this so called "self-freedom" or "self-independence" against the whole crap spectrum of this world. that no one deserves the "unnecessary" headache of the "should not be the thing in the first place" marriage.

believe it or not, he goes around and encourages people not to get married and trying his best to inculcate that it's like a backpack, full of things, so heavy that the straps are cutting their own ways into our shoulder flesh. he has his own sets of wish lists and targets in life to be materialized. and he summons that everyone should forget about marriage and just follow each other dreams. he also tried to convince his apprentice, the girl, that what's the point of having a boyfriend if you know happiness is way beyond your grasp.

he just does not believe in the whole idea of having someone to share his life. his miserable life. he's living in denial. pretending that he's all happy to be alone. being in the air, flying all over the places throughout the year. staying in the hotel most of the time. sheessh, what was he thinking? i've spent most of my sarawak days in the hotel rooms, and i tell you it is not even close to be fun. not at all.

but along the story plots, he met a girl. who is somehow the female version of his. they got clicked, easily, not a surprise. a miserable man meets a lonely girl. what an equation! they do fun stuff together, they laugh, they dance, and they even fall in love with each other. he thought, at least. he thought that she is the one. finally. against his preachings. finally against his conventional belief. he finally thinks that it is time for him to be vulnerably opened to the real love. he feels he is now ready to make a connection.

but the truth is, he is just an escapism for the girl. one day, he went to her hometown, without telling her, for a surprise visit. he showed up at her door, only to be more miserable to know the truth that she's married. with kids. sad but true. and that's how the movie ends. he learns the very hard truth. that he is all alone. he has no friends. no family. and he is getting older and dying. the fact that everyone is dying is traumatizing enough but dying alone is much terrifying.

so what is the lesson can be learnt here?

one. do not ever believe that we can live on our own. we all need others in this life. be it family members, friends, or even enemies, to keep us going. public consummation is the ultimate victory. be good individually is just not enough. being a successful and important team player for a winning team is much satisfying.

two. not everyone is as how we perceived them to be. he thought that the girl likes him and single and ready for his ever anticipated love. but she is not. he is just a contemporary temporary dreamy toy to her dream world, away from her normal life as a mother and a wife. whenever is needed.

three. which is the most unbearable. he has to eat his very own words. he is now walking backwards. against his own quotes. he is now desperate for someone, for someone's love. his self love is just inadequate, not anymore as he finally believes that it is more than all those. he achieved all his targets and dreams. and then what? he knows now the concept "two is always better than one" makes sense.

ouch and triple ouches. ouch, ouch, whoa ouch! it couldn't get any subdued sadder than that, ain't it?

paradigm and change

2010-09-09T03:24:00.011+08:00

i once wrote about paradigm shift. last year i think. paradigm is how we see things. how we see the world for example. is it through who we are or via how it is actually? now allow me elaborate deeper on this.

the world revolves around it's own axis. round and round. and everything in it moves too, along with the world's movement. day and night. the water's streams. seasons whether its summer or winter. the moon. the temperature, the icebergs' movement, mating or nomadic patterns for the bird flocks. whatever. and for sure the world does not swing according to anything inside it. except for His plan and wisdom. and it doesn't change through out the time. it's fixed. the only time that it will change its course is when He says enough is enough, it's dooms day, and it's already too late for anything. i just can't imagine if the earth changes its rotation from time to time. then it will be a disaster. this country will be having four seasons and it's snowing before you know it and then back to tropical over and over again. the north pole is having a summer of 42 degrees C and then back to the convention cold. it's tsunami, el nino, la nina, it might be an el nini and how many other els or las before you know it. how fatiguing is that?

God created this world with a fixed system for a reason. and yet nothing is permanent in this world. everything changes. that's how ironically beautiful the world is.

same goes to us. we have to change all the time but our paradigm should be fixed. to the correct and realistic course of it. we have to understand, in this life, over until the end of time that the world does not revolve around us. nor anything in it. it is we, who are subject for change, consistently. that's the truth. we can not just assume and say that we are like this or like that, and everybody has to follow us just the way we want them to be. we can't expect everybody has to accommodate us everytime. we can't expect us to be in one state forever and any other things which matter to us to adjust themselves in pursuit to suit to our needs. and the very cruel fact of life is, we just can't expect everybody or the world in bigger extend, to understand us. we adults are not toddlers. infants, they asked their parents or someone older to accommodate to their needs or requests. and they are allowed to use tantrums as a medium of persuasion.

but remind you readers, we are not toddlers. not anymore. at least. if you are, you won't be reading this in the very first place.

the world does not have the time to be around us. it is us whom are responsible to run at its pace in order for survival. the success story plots behind the pace, whether it is a strive, a jog or walking tempo or a crawl. you choose. i choose. we pick. if we decide to be reluctant to catch up, we will be left behind and be extincted in self created exodus like the dinosaurs. we have to be matured enough to comprehend that it is our responsibility to our-self and our survival. this is a community world full of societies and their complexity. and constant change is a must. an individual war against complacency.

talking about paradigm, is always related to change and its component, its agent. but i rather write about it another post. i like john kotter's writings in his award winning management book entitled "our iceberg is melting?!". it's about change and it's a serious essential. but before i leave, let's us sit back and think, self check, do we really see the world as it is, as a ever-changing world or we are still viewing it via a narrow perspective, behind our toddler bed's bars?

back on track

2010-09-07T13:09:00.005+08:00

i once wrote about sarging. i think it was back in 2008's archive. somewhere in there. that i've created a so called nom de plume or another psyche name after kukubal and misery loves company, dedicated for that kind of world. to accommodate the other side of me. and that's how i come up with j tryst. as mache created kristo.

i was good in the game. focused and always few steps ahead of the girls. but now it seems that i've lost my touch. i am now blurred and just can't operate the way i used to, the way it should be. fiercely charming and sleek. but now? failures after failures.

maybe after what happened with ms. A, the whole tragedy just had me knackered and incompetent. hahaha. well, i thought it was a real deal as i was. she swept me out of my feet. dang! just like that :P

i need my wing man back. mr. kristo is now so overwhelmed by deceptive promises and his own compromises with a girl now. in which we used to regard as the most deadly sin of all. to be "oneitis". i need to go out more to sarge. i need to create and rehearse new lines, new tricks, few sets of new puzzles, new moves. and new fresh pond to fish. so that mr. JT can get back on his track. ditto! :)

unpleasant decible

2010-09-06T16:09:00.001+08:00

i've been longing to do this. here is my first video. i know it sucks :P so be gentle okay? i woke up late during the weekend and grab the guitar straight ahead. so mind me the multiple unpleasant voices from the same vocal chord box :) and i assure you there will be more to come. enjoy~

hierarchy of associates

2010-09-06T00:10:00.006+08:00

deriving from the previous post, i'm bound to chalk this out of my mind. last night pyan taught me some insights. that there are few separate mental level of friends in our life. and this can only accessed in our mind.

there are normal friends. there are colleagues at the office. school mates. acquaintances at the gym, at the guitar or piano lesson classes. friends of friends. passerby. and these people reside at the bottom of the long list, and ongoing. the trivial many we call it. they don’t deserve much from me. but, there are, few seats at the helm of the list. where loyal friends stand out. true souls who really understand me. faithful friends who define me and vice versa. someone is capable to compromise as quoted by manao/mache last night, those couldn't afford to see me undone. a brother or a sister like, not blood or genetically related but would rather hurt themselves to even save me from myself. this so called limited vital few are to be maintained. at some point, i begin to settle just for a fixed number as in the seats don't grow. at this age, i pick my bffs. i don't do random anymore. we all go for the selective mode. because, they have to work for it. they did efforts to prove themselves. that they are worth for all my loyalty. it took years for some of them to earn it, to earn me. stood by hand in hand steadfast in all weather. because they know how true i can be to my trusty friends.

sad but true, those seats now filled for years by boys mostly. not many girls can make it to that extend. there were few lucky ones, be able to bring the best out of me, fortunate enough to see the real me, blessed enough to live in my world full of undivided exclusive affections. just propitious enough to feel it. but good things don't last. nothing is permanent. and that's why there's a word called "memory" in the vocabulary. initially i thought that they can maintain their spots. but they screwed up after all the love and warmth i gave to them. i forgive and had them forgiven though, don't get me wrong. who am i not to forgive and not to have mercy.

but there they remained, lay flat at the bottom, to climb up all over again. because sometimes "sorry" is just not enough. because the damage has been done. for me, hurting people intentionally is like driving a nail into the wall. but when you remove the nail, the mark stays as an orifice. you have to work extra to fill in the hole back. depending on the depth. you can't expect a simple sorry can make things better and be the same as it was before. i mean it because you meant it when you did those.

i am a life changer. i affect other people's life. i influence. and i privatize conscience. yes. i am deep. i used to think that people will learn from me as much as i wanted to learn from others. but now i'm done with nagging and sharing what's right or what is wrong. if they want the best from me, they have to earn it. i'm in no mood to drag passive passengers anymore. i don't have time for those anymore, not at this age. avoiding or ignoring those stagnant and complacent people is one of the selective methods in my friendship's chain of command. shut them down since there were patterns of failure reoccurred as they are so contented with who they are and proud to be who they are. i tried, believe me, don't say i didn't care.

i will not yield and i've retired from compromise. i am adamant in this.

will the search be continued? well, that's a difficult one. i do not know. nor i comprehend it. but the pray continues because i still believe in it. that one day, she will pop out of nowhere, bringing me the light, the glow, the illumination and for once to chart me up for the ending of all my sufferings. amin.

corteous gestures

2010-09-05T23:12:00.006+08:00

everyone has their own cycles. we are all normal human being. no matter how strong, how bold, how tempered like an iron we are, we all bound to have our emotional dip. mood swing, change of temperament, dispositions of mind fraction. whatever you might call it. it is just not normal for us to stay happy and smiling for twenty four seven three hundred sixty five long.

i am always the optimist kind of character, jovial and bubbling over. that is how most people perceive me. at least. but still, i have the other dark side of me, the not so funny of me. the mellowed, mundane and sensitive partitions of my personality. we are all unique blend of traits, aren't we? tried to sustain the bright colors, but i can't maintain the energy through out the time. it is just impossible. i'm just so full of designed flaws.

thus, whenever i am in my sinking mode, i will sit back and think. to regain the strength, the stamina of resilience. normally, i'll be back on track by myself within the time frames. depending on the weight of the issue. there are times, when i'll seek for words of wisdom from someone older, whom i really look up to. my former boss, mr. sam for example. and there will be times when i'll run to my friends. in search for the brotherhood kind of comfort. to crack some silly jokes, to remind me of those crazy old days, to have me distracted especially when i found no exit, no point of perspective no focus to the tangled issue. so that i can channel my energy back to find the solutions. normally for solution craving issues. but when it comes to heart matters, dilemmas and dramas, where i need no solutions, when i need someone who can tell me that it's okay to feel that way, that i'm still the man, that i will go through it thoroughly. so that i'd feel better. and habitually the soft voice of a woman touch ease me down. sooth me flat, putting out the rage. and my beloved mom and her tears never fail.

i just need someone to be at the other receiving end, to listen. i don't demand much. repeated simple nods, recurred "uhuh"s and number of persisted "i feel you"s would suffice. which i found it rare among boys. i'm not saying my long life dudes are not capable of these medicating routines. but there are times when i much in need of a female friend to have me poured with supporting elevating words. when i need a friend. she doesn't have to be my girlfriend or a lover. and for me, i do not require feelings to keep me and the listener intact. it does not necessarily have to be feelings everytime or to get the feelings involved. we are not talking about sexual intercourse here. it is just a simple plain courtesy from a friend to a friend. a gesture. an act of appreciation for who he or she is, for who he or she has been. for his or her kindness. all i ever want is sincerity. but my mom said that not everyone is adequately sincere as how am i sincere and heartfelt to them.

sadly, not everything in this life reciprocated. my late great grandmother used to remind me that not many people in this world understand the true meaning of courteous manners and kind courtesy. now i got her point and why she stressed it to me so many times until her last breath. and grandfather always strike me a chord that sincerity is so hard that it distinguishes us from others.

terrified

2010-09-03T16:41:00.000+08:00

terrified. this could be good it's already better than that. and nothing's worse than knowing you're holding back. i could be all that you needed if you let me try.

it's been a while since we last heard from katharine mcphee. i love this song. this song is written by jason reeves, a singer song writer who wrote bubbly and realized popularized by colbie calliat. enjoy~

different

2010-08-31T11:14:00.003+08:00

me and faqroul were having our own acoustic session last night at his crib just to fill in our independence eve night. what a drab night. cold and so not patriotic of us to just sing and playing guitars, indoor :P anyway, he mentioned this song, and i was like. shot. why not? let's sing this :)

why? what's with the grin? hehe. here are some brief narration behind the song and how it began. lol.

i used to drive all the way from penang to kuala lumpur back and forth. every single weekend, without fail. back in my penang airport days. used to sing this song in the car while i was stuck in the traffic just exactly at the middle of the connecting bridge from the island to the main land. it was my official friday's afternoon song to sing. among others, obviously :)

this is a very meaningful song to me. used to and always have. when i was trying so hard, working too bad, to be different as i was still searching for the meaning of all this. was in a rush of blood to the head, in a quest of who am i truly. people change and i've changed significantly. and funny that i didn't notice it until i heard this song again.

what a way to reminisce memories stored slight to the left side of my cerebellum. what a song to remember. and what a tool to call the past, the part of this anatomy which i left long gone.

all in all, enjoy it, as it has been to me.

valiant pride

2010-08-31T06:34:00.003+08:00

there's no valiance in being proud. learn to let go. ego is just another sublime version of our audacity. submit to your majestic so called self esteem, or self defined boldness, whatever you might call it, then you have just submitted application for a downfall.

i'm writing this from a humbled seat, from set of misfortune experiences how pride and ignorance (two eccentric traits which until now i found myself strangled to find the chemical reactions between those two) had me flattened far from flattered. punished over things that i thought derived me best, that i unwilling to let go, which i was so comfortable with. complacency again complacent. lesson is learnt.

if it's not being resharpened, even a chainsaw can't cut through a paper. same goes with us, we need to be reminded, retrained, and to be awaken.

so open your eyes and wake up, knock knock. who's there?

shrug off your shoulder and lift the chin version of you?

or, another transformed person with the right palm on the left side of the chest and head's down?

it's your call. listen to your heart beat and write your own story.

poem : guilty pleasure

2010-08-30T20:24:00.004+08:00

the sky has lost its color, and the sun turns grey. at least that's how it feels to me. whenever you're away.

the fragrances are now odor, and oh those drab days. at least that's how i feel when i am no longer me. which coincides with your presence's sway.

i crawled up in the corner. to count the minutes pass. each one brings me closer to, the time you're coming back.i can't take the distance, i couldn't stand the miles. just in an instance, the thoughts erased the smiles.

but i see the lights now. i always do. i pray now for the end of the coo. sounds of despair from creeping in. killing all i ever believing in.

these mellow traits just don't have me operated. instead, it derives me as stagnant, and segmented. thus i need my palette of colors back. just don't leave me asphyxiated in the sack..

for you to notice

2010-08-25T23:28:00.005+08:00

i'm starting to fashion an idea in my head where i would impress you with every single word i said. would come out insightful or brave or smooth or charming. and you'd want to call me. and i would be there every time you'd need me as i'd be there every time. but for now i'll look so longingly waiting. for you to want me, for you to need me. for you to notice me.

but life just won't go according to our plan. we plan, we make the effort and we pray but He decides.

i'm not mad at you. nor i'd be hurt of the fact that you don't want me as i want you to be. but the attitude and mentality that you portrayed just too inadequate for me. i just couldn't believe that you exhaled it. that you'd be the first to leave to avoid unnecessary conflict. that you are too fun not to ruin your day with what's bothering me. man, that surely hurts. and what would make me then? perhaps just a conflict, a burden to you. i still hope you didn't make those such statements sandwiched with pure intention.

i don't know about you, but i personally think i do deserved some empathy at least, from someone who regards herself as my friend. when i need a friend. and the fact that you are too proud not to call me until now speaks for itself. shame.

well, there's nothing i can do to change that. believe me i tried. to inculcate. it's just that i think it would be best for me to be the first one to avoid any forms of unnecessary selfishness :(

which knot did you tie?

2010-08-24T06:56:00.005+08:00

almost always pick the best time to drop the worst line, almost make me cry again this time, another false alarm, red flashing light, i got choke during my dine. said them intentionally and you felt fine.

but i'll be just fine, pretending i am not, apart from lonely, and it's all i've got. i've been trying to have your words sorted, but i found it a hassle due to all those knots, so i thought, leave them unraveled i rather not. because the truth is so mean like the time flies, abducting my youth.

you see, knots are not chords. they don't rhyme. they are not synchronized. no beat no lyrics no melody. it's like a plague with no remedy. full of symptoms but no direct cause, whatsoever. and i do believe the symptoms will be prolonged, propelling towards greater course, forever. but this is no comedy. not a charity, definitely infallibly not funny. all empty, halt and vacuum.

i like kris allen's the truth. honesty is honestly the hardest thing for me right now. have been singing and playing the guitar over the song lately. unwillingly liking it. my mind tumbling, my heart crumpling, my hands trembling as my mouth mumbling. too bad, three sad. sigh~

p/s: those pictures do not imply any correlation with my mumblings above.

faster the better

2010-08-21T14:49:00.004+08:00

pray for haste recovery against the existence of a fair-weather friend. knowing it alone stabs my heart.

thrice is a stranger

2010-08-17T17:52:00.009+08:00

i'm only going to ask you once. hesitance is a sign of procrastination for me. and surely procrastination is a theft of time. and i always work with time line. timeliness is essential to me. and there's a time line for this and for anything. you can't just drag things long. too long till further seems forever. i don't have forever for everything, for anyone, to notice. and i don't dwell too long on the past. it ain't going to change anything. we have to be responsible in everything we do, all the decisions we made. we learn from the past not be haunt and be slaved by memories. we mourn then we move on. i am a memory master, i rekindle but i'll try not to get burnt like a candle. i like to do right things right, first time. for me, we have to be grateful of all what we had and what we have, and learn to appreciate things what's in front of us because we will never know what's important to us until it's gone. so that we have to do it one time, once. yes, i am a forgiving character, merciful soul. once and twice are twin brothers. but thrice is a stranger. and we are not getting any younger. i bounced back normally, but too much of it can make us sick, and if i decide it to call it off, then it will be a turn off, permanently and definitely not a mozoltov. for once, in an instance, let's do it right. sincerity fades. and so does my faith and my smile. but the hate, it stains.

there's always second time for everything

2010-08-11T13:24:00.006+08:00

i was moved with faqroul's writing about bangkok and our second trip to the city last month. i didn't get a chance to write about it, even though it's almost a month already since we got back. but there's no harm in a belated post right? :)

i think i am left with nothing to say since faqroul aka john wrote everything nicely. last two years, manao, pyan, john and JT when to bangkok and we fell in love with the town ever since. but sadly, manao and pyan couldn't join us for this year's trip. but we have yam and ben to accompany us.

for me and john, it was like an homecoming. we stayed at khao san, again. nothing much changed except that our nana inn last time has been demolished and we have to find our ways for different accommodation. still, cheap and comfortable. clean room with air conditioned and hot shower, for 25 ringgit per day. man..surely was a good bargain.

shopping? as usual, it was a frenzy. chatuchak never fails to drive us haywire. and for the second time, me and john got lost in the weekend market. it was so big, and cramp. indie stuffs calling here and there. we went there on both days. and still mambungkrong, the air-conditioned version of chatuchak after that. and my leg hurt badly after two days of walking. too much shopping can hurt. seriously.

small store tailors are everywhere in bangkok. in khao san itself, countless tailors shops. i made 1 corduroy suit, 4 pants and 3 shirt for one thousand ringgit. really really cool stuffs i made this time.

this time around we had a diversion through out our stay in thailand. we went to pattaya and stay at the beach for a night there. again, never disappointing. never knew they have pattaya hollywood club, same as the bangkok's but smaller. one word to describe about the club, awesome.

well, i've promised myself not to elaborate more initially but now i think i've just gone overboard. enough. you have to go there and experience it yourselves. and i'm not shy to book myself a return flight ticket to bangkok again, in near future. but first thing first, spain trip must be materialized. i'm saving to go spain, to fulfill my boyhood dream. i know i can do this. alone or with a group? i don't care, i'll go alone if i have to. till then, JT's out~

the way you are

2010-08-08T13:13:00.004+08:00

i've been searching for bruno mars' new hit single just the way you are piano or keyboard tabs. i'm so into keyboard now.. here's the song's lyrics. for you. i like you just the way you are, despite all those nagging and psychological sessions. i need not to elaborate more, the song speaks nicely for me :P enjoy~

Oh her eyes, her eyes
Make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly without her trying

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Yeah I know, I know
When I compliment her
She wont believe me
And its so, its so
Sad to think she don't see what I see

But every time she asks me do I look okay
I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

Her nails, her nails
I could kiss them all day if she'd let me
Her laugh, her laugh
She hates but I think its so sexy

Oh you know, you know, you know
Id never ask you to change
If perfect is what you're searching for
Then just stay the same

So don't even bother asking
If you look okay
You know I say

The way you are
The way you are
Girl you're amazing
Just the way you are..

fallen

2010-08-05T23:46:00.000+08:00

it's like i've been pulled downwards. it's so easy like the gravity. reasonless. need no explanation yet so demanding. ah, let's not go that far, i'd say. it ain't deep. it's just another lame version of an avalanche.

lalalala.

wishful thinking

2010-08-04T01:23:00.001+08:00

i was just wondering. sitting alone in my office's room in the middle of the night. taking a break from graphs and charts and data. ya, it's kind of spooky knowing that i am all alone on the whole floor. my operators are downstairs. i think. assuming one or two of them are watching astro in the crew room. or, they might even not in the premise. standing by at the apron waiting for transmile cargo aircraft to be refueled.

i am trying to conduct two studies. one, to convince the management that i need a bigger storage tank for my aviation gasoline or also better known as avgas. two, to convince the management that i need optimum 3 persons per shift for my 24 hours operation. that's the reason why am i still in the office this late.

when i'm all alone, it usually gets to me, to think. of many things. so i was wondering what it is like if i have a family now. a wife, cooked the dinner, waiting at the dining table for me to return so that we can have dinner together. sigh, wishful thinking. and again, reality check kills the dream, taking the breath of me. exhaled. frustrated. no surprise there.

what would it takes to make you come back? the dream. the thoughts. of having someone. but i keep telling myself what it is, the truth, and it's just ain't like that. and i'm just getting boring and boring. even my mom told me that i look gloomy nowadays.

ya, right.

tell me

2010-08-02T11:11:00.005+08:00

tell me what we got, tell me it's a lot, tell me it's the real thing. tell me not to change and always be the same, tell me that's a good thing, it's a good thing. tell me not to lie, tell me not to wait, tell me that you want the same things as me. tell me that it's fate, driving me insane. tell me it's the real thing. that keeps me hanging on..

the flow continues

2010-07-26T19:51:00.003+08:00

spain u-19 won against italy and you got to look at real betis's midfielder ezequiel calvente. how he took his penalty.

well. the vast talent pool is getting bigger. there are still plenty of young and talented skillful players waiting for their time to represent spain in international flight. barcelona's bojan krkic, arsenal's fran merida, athletico's de gea, osasuna's cesar azpilicueta, real madrid's alberto bueno, santander's sergio canales, sevilla's diego capel, and now calvente. man, it's surely going to be a headache for the coach to select 23 players for any major tournaments.

and the free flow continues. ole!

forbidden goodbyes

2010-07-26T16:47:00.009+08:00

ten years ago i once said this to all my friends and junior when i left the malay college, "there are things better left unsaid, and goodbye is one of them".

this year, this season, real madrid club de futbol will have to part with two of our all time living legends i.e. raul and guti. both of them have been with the club since they were kids and been playing almost 15 years in the first team.

"it was a hard decision to leave but i need to continue playing regular first team football", said guti the magical full of visions playmaker. the five-time spanish league and three-time champions league winner that it was not an easy decision to leave his boyhood club and that he felt sad at the departure. he is the true passer, master of assists and through balls.

for raul, it is needless to say, to state his contribution and devotion to the club and to his nation. he is their all time top scorer in all competitions in the likes of primera liga, champions league and also in their national colors, one goal ahead of sensational david villa. he's the living legend, the icon of spanish football. real raul. he's a true leader, a classic example for all young players, in and off the pitch.

but life is like that. people come and go. sad but it is for the best of the club. both of them need to continue playing and staying at santiago bernabeu is a hinder. guti will be reunited with former real madrid coach, bernd schuster at besiktas, turkey while raul will join felix magath's company shalke 04 in germany.

with both of them leaving, iker casillas the legendary goalkeeper automatically will be the new real madrid captain as he already succeeded the same responsibility from raul for spain national team. and sergio ramos will succeed guti for the vice captain post. i think.

both of them are good friends. together with many life time friends like fernando morientes, zinedine zidane, luis figo, roberto carlos and fernando redondo, they played together for many years. raul, 33 this year, father of three boys and a girl, is truly a leader, clean ever clear from any gossips neither any red card for 15 years and he is a true barcelona, athletico madrid and valencia destroyer. he scored many times against the three biggest club arch rivals. here are some videos, tribute to them.

1. raul alejandro blanco gonzalez, raul's wiki
2. jose maria gutierrez hernandez and guti's wiki

this post i dedicate special to them, a tribute for the kind of class,technique and the flamboyant style of play,reasons why i am so in love with real madrid and spanish football. ever since. i feel the lost of madrid number 7, el capitan and number 14, el dominator. already.

if it's love

2010-07-24T14:30:00.005+08:00

yep, another version of "ifs, buts and maybes" story. i've been practicing the chords of train's new hit single called if it's love and few other songs. i like the song and i love the lyrics. it just, knocked me in with some sense. so enjoy the song. hope you'll like it.

While everybody else is getting out of bed
I'm usually getting in it
I'm not in it to win it
And there's a thousand ways you can skin it

My feet have been on the floor
Flat like an idle singer
Remember winger
I digress
I confess you are the best thing in my life

But I'm afraid when I hear stories
About a husband and wife
There's no happy endings
No Henry Lee
But you are the greatest thing about me

If it's love
And we decide that it's forever
No one else could do it better
If it's love
And we're two birds of a feather
Then the rest is just whenever
And if I'm addicted to loving you
And you're addicted to my love too
We can be them two birds of a feather
That flock together
Love, love
Got to have something to keep us together
Love, Love
That's enough for me

Took a loan on a house I own
Can't be a queen bee without a bee throne
I wanna buy ya everything
Except cologne
'cause it's poison
We can travel to Spain where the rain falls
Mainly on the plain side and sing
'cause it is we can laugh we can sing
Have ten kids and give them everything
Hold our cell phones up in the air
And just be glad we made it here alive
On a spinning ball in the middle of space
I love you from your toes to your face

You can move in
I won't ask where you've been
'cause everybody has a past
When we're older
We'll do it all over again

Love, love
Got to have something to keep us together
Love, Love
That's enough for me :)

there's "more" to it

2010-07-16T00:15:00.009+08:00

it's true. sometimes, it takes months for a person to realize something. some people years, some might need a hard bang on the head to learn some cheesy idea. some require series of unfortunate events or accumulated frustrations to finally swallow the truth.

today, finally i got myself out of it, beyond doubts and confusions. to finally kill the emerging hatred and to eventually wipe off the bitterness in me. now i got it. understood. it's possible for her to feel it that way but at the same time get herself confused, like what she confessed.

well, she made her decisions already. for the better. for the best, for all three of us. for him, for me and definitely for her. it wasn't the famous choice of all time, and surely wasn't pleasant at all. she got to choose. and somebody has to loose. it was hard for me to swallow and now i understand, finally that it wasn't easy for her too. maybe it's true about those things she used to tell me. but it's just me, too greedy to have it all, to proud to accept the truth and her decisions, either or, perhaps both.

but things are different now, probably too late to amend. i said things, mean things. and i regret those. this is the best for everybody. everything happens for a reason. now i just stick to my prayer, like i used to said to her, that i always pray for her happiness. there's nothing else i want other than to make her smile, even it costs me to weep. she is in good hands now, better than mine.

i thought she lied. i wanted more from her, more than what she could possibly to offer, nothing less than what she could never be to me. nothing was enough for me. she tried. but i was just too proud to admit that what she offered was the best she had. to be friends, and demanded me to stay, stick around.

maybe she was, telling the truth. that she loved me, but she loves him more.

first star

2010-07-12T05:30:00.003+08:00

so my prayers answered. finally. there's always first time for everything. and my god, infallibly it was a sweet victory for the whole spanish regions and confederates. be it basque, catalonia, la coruna, vigo, andalusia, canary island or palma de mallorca, castille or la manca, they all spanish tonight.

the beginning of a new era. i think they deserved it. it was quite a poor game. not up to my standard, definitely not to the team's standard and level of play. but in the end, the team who created more chances and dominated the possession more won the game. justice in football. beautiful game prevails.

whatever it is, a star on the batch of the shirt is surely a big thing for me, and for the rest of futbol romantica out there. first time that, first time those. and the first star erased all the scars. ole!

sweet victory for the first timers

2010-07-08T04:36:00.004+08:00

it was hell a technical game. a tactical battle in midfield. but all in all, in the end, it was 179cm tall puyol who got the better of taller german defenders in the likes of 190cm per mertesacker and arne friedrich.

first time for everything. first time in the semis, first time in africa continent, first time both previous winner and runners up out during group stage, first time that, first time those.

and i hope it will the first time ever for a team to win the world cup despite losing in the opening match, to be the very first european team to bring back the trophy from outside europe, for their first ever world cup triumph. then, they will be the very first european team to clinch both world cup and euro back to back.

the echo to the heart

2010-07-07T05:28:00.005+08:00

well, it takes a lot more to listen than to mumble. it takes courage, patience and maturity to listen. people said that the giving hands are way lot better than the receiving hands. same goes to this, listening just supersedes talking.

what is it that people meant when they talk about listening? listen is certainly not eavesdrop. that's different, that's not the kind of listening that i want to talk about. many people can talk, there are a lot of people are loud out there, quite a number of people love to debate, pouring opinions, sharing knowledge, and so forth. but few can really listen. that's the truth, unnoticed in today's society.

it takes the heart to listen actually, not just the pair of ears, cochlea and eustachian tubes. listen with the intent to reply, with the pure intention, intentionally to response immediately, is not really listening after all. you see, if you pay that brief attention just for the sake of collecting some information, probing, writing your own script, analyzing the case while deriving the mental synopsis in your boggling mind, well, i wouldn't call that listening at all. that's inquisitive.

emphatic listening is to listen with the intent to understand, to feel to very bottom heart of the matter, to appreciate the other person on the line who's sharing his or her problems, what's bothering them, to put yourself in their shoes, embedding a pure feeling of love nothing else than to help the person who is in much for a hand, patience enough to succumb all the possible threats and defensive symptoms from the person, because not all people are brave and humble enough to seek for help. most people, will normally go around the bushes, reluctantly to tell the truth, of telling the real problem partially, or putting the defensive mechanism as a wall to protect their ego and they think they will look weak for telling the truth, confusing the listener, leaving the listening mislead. so many possibilities, and one could get hurt during the difficult task of listening and enduring. but that's the true kind of maturity, lending our ears for people that we care.

it looks simple but not easy. it's hard but it's not impossible to really listen. practice makes perfect. that's all. but the bottom line is, we have to be sincere to listen. kind enough to spare few minutes, just to give the other person the support that they are looking for. it's not the solution or opinion that they are looking for. it's not really that much they seek for. but it takes a lot to listen. it's okay to play dumb fool for a while. it's okay for not being the smarter one for the time being, because the one who listens is way much stronger. emotionally, mentally than the one who's screaming.

listening to me, it's like a heart beat, like hard beat, it's like a heart break beat, beating out of me. just like what brandtson said, the echo takes me down to mexico.

anti reckless abandon

2010-07-07T04:47:00.004+08:00

after two years, it's time for me to reminisce on my bangkok trip back in 2008. this friday, me and the boys will go there again for an annual rugby match between our beloved the malay college, versus royal vajiravudh college. it's a big thing, another historic event for both institutions.

the rugby match is scheduled on saturday. i think. or sunday. not sure myself but surely, we all will shoot to chatuchak, the weekend market on both days. for another shopping frenzy. this time around, i want to get things which are really really important, things that i've been longing to buy, things that have been in the list for quite sometimes, worth for a penny.

i have my own list prepared already. i have to be prudent this time. i don't want to get too excited with all those cool tshirts, leaving myself becoming a reckless abandon in thai's capital. learned from the previous visit. that's what we do, learn from the past for a better tomorrow. we let go the haunting mistakes that we've done, we do not put all those blames on anyone, not someone in the present, certainly not in the future and we take full responsibility on whatever happened to us that we made a choice, and we can't be absolved from it.

so, a corduroy suit and few colorful ties and probably, leather goods. that's it. that's all. i want to take pictures. a lots of them. and i want to go to the thai kickboxing match, muay thai. can't wait..

but then, first thing first. tonight will be a historic day for my team. spain for the first time in a world cup semi and bidding all their luck on the madrid's cibeles fountain to go all the way to the final, a rendezvous with the dutch. surely, a good match anticipated. what a day, what a week, what a life.

pride devours

2010-07-05T16:36:00.004+08:00

i personally think that seeking feedback from others on how we've progressed is good. a good practice, definitely a good thing. it might be a necessity, at times, depending on the situation, different circumstances. we need others to assess us sometimes, to give the check and balance. so that we know that we are doing the right thing.

you see, conscience alone is not enough. we need others in this life. why? because we are not perfect, not even close to perfection, if there's such thing as one. being independent is good, a true characteristic of maturity. but extreme independence becomes negative. we don't want to be too independent like an island, don't we? isolated, disconnected and helpless.

actually, interdependency is an act of another maturity level. way beyond the private victory, against extreme self esteem, pride and self indulgence. i'm not saying that self esteem is not good. we have to maintain a certain level of self believe and confidence. but in this life, the very best thing is balance.

being able to listen and paying attention, observing others are few attributes towards the public victory. the ultimate winning. but listening alone is just inadequate. we need to be opened, unoffensive, not defensive and less complacent, mature enough to accept people's opinion and feedback. listen first and then assess the information. accept, and appreciate the differences. the differences are beautiful. just because we are different, distinguished from each other, it doesn't mean that one of us is wrong. it's just up to us, whether we want to learn from each other or not.

pride and complacency are two lethal unnoticed carcinogenic virus in people. people sit back and embrace themselves due to their ignorance. and those can consume us eventually. if we can't manage these, we are going backwards and nowhere. stagnant and worst, people will loose hope on us, and desert us.

we, human, we are homo sapient not homonus nocturnas. we are not vampires. we are all inherently good people, nice, living by the principles. but ego mismanagement and ignorance ruined it all for us, for centuries. era by era, civilization after civilization. thus, let's pray that we stay on the right course, always. amin.

keeping promises

2010-07-04T05:14:00.005+08:00

as promised, 1st of july, the rejuvenation day. i revamped my blog layout. apparently there were slight changes to the initial idea of retrofitting.

the earlier idea was to put teal as my background but unfortunately kinka, it didn't fit with page nicely and the color was too vibrant, overwhelming the rest and made it very difficult to read.

so i changed the main color, matched it with the main "volatile+redundant" header. those two words are best in defining me. in my writing world. hence the new theme.

so, keep on reading or visiting. and seriously i'd appreciate comments. in english, infallibly. my mandarin is not that sharp. mind me :P

drama in johannesburg

2010-07-04T04:31:00.006+08:00

finally spain broke their quarter final jinx. once again, 175cm tall david villa is their hero. it was a very very difficult game. but, spain unwilling to trade and give up their tiki taka triangle short passing style of play, continue to press and press. 83 minutes gone before iniesta, pedro and villa broke the dead lock.

whatever it is, i think it is already high time for vicente del bosque, the former glorious real madrid player and manager to start cesc fabregas instead of torres. especially against the hardworking and technically sound german side. pact the middle park to overwhelm bastian schweinesteiger and sami khedira. to suppress the speed of young ozil and podolski.

but the game against paraguay was a howler. full of dramas. two missed penalties. two disallowed goals. two players spilled their blood for their teams. and it was twice against the posts for a goal. the soul goal. it was not that convincing but a win still a win. they worked hard for it.

so spain will meet the germans in durban in four days time. what a game, what a meet, what a rematch of euro 08 final. anyway, deustch, here we come..

beautiful football for a football romantica

2010-06-25T15:58:00.003+08:00

barcelona and spain's playmaker xavi hernandez said that football should be attractive and easy on the eye, pleasant for the eyes to see. i totally agree with him. all my life i only know how to play, watch and support that kind of football. at least i tried my best to.

it makes it double satisfying when your team play beautifully and winning. i don't understand and i can't imagine how does it feel to play with all those so called modern efficient football tactics, to play ultra defensively and rely just on counter attacks. for me, winning a football match is to conquer the ball possessions, creating chances and of course, scoring outstanding goals. not scramble in front of the goal post kind of finishing. if you know what i mean.

both previous world cup finalists are out already from the competition. i guess, in the end, teams who play nicely individual and as a team will prevail. let's hope for the best, competitive games and high scoring matches!

breathing onwards

2010-06-19T04:57:00.006+08:00

every time i came close, i propelled them away, further back. somehow my sincerity is always misjudged and showering me with misfortunes. i don't know what else to do. fickleness. is surely exhausting me.

sometimes we just have to stop looking back, appreciate what's in front of us, and start looking forward. living in the past won't take us anywhere. enjoy what's present and plan for the future. life in reverse is just stagnant. it's like a twinge into the old scars. rubbing salt onto the exit wound. breathing onwards is dynamic and it is all what we need to achieve what is missing. to purge back air and living into life.

whatever it is, stick to the principles. patience, be grateful, merciful, humility, and bear no ill thoughts. hope things will work out and turn up to be A okay. finger crossed, knees on the ground, palms held upwards and head's down. and i am just one phone call away if you feel like sharing it with me.

anyway, 11 days to rejuvenation day. and counting.

time for change

2010-06-17T13:38:00.009+08:00

it is. it is now already june, and i feel like opting for a swing of mood. i need new colors. so, here are my new designs for light at the end of the tunnel version 1.2 which will be commencing next month. kick off at july the first. remind me on that. please. i usually forgot dates :) the new design is elemental by twisted stripes of colors. cheers~

la furia roja

2010-06-15T17:24:00.006+08:00

world cup is here haunting us again. once again, being no longer a dark horse, my all time favorite team, spain is tipped as favorites to lift the cup there in south africa. currently they sit in first place in fifa world ranking ahead of brazil and argentina. and there goes the pressure mounting on the players and so do the supporters.

spain, lavished with bunch of talented players to pick from. they have the strongest squad all the way from the goal keeper to the top strikers, some said. they are relatively young with age average of twenty four, an exciting blend between young guns and old horses in the likes of barcelona's pedro and carles puyol respectively. they are technically sound, high work rate, their skills and ability are exemplary and they have been playing together for quite sometimes resulting as perfect gelled teamwork.

with san iker casillas between the goal posts, sergio ramos galloping at the right flank, with xavi hernandez, andres iniesta, david silva and francesc fabregas mastering the middle park, and power forward david villa up front, spain surely looks unstoppable. they have their own style of play, a total possession domination, tiring their opponents with short and neat passing, ready to electrify the atmosphere.

i've been supporting la furia roja or the furious red since i was 11. they had always been disappointed and disappointing in big tournaments, a total big flop, underachiever, it's like they couldn't replicate their club forms in the likes of valencia, barcelona and real madrid, until they finally broke their jinx in last euro 08 in austria, when iker casillas lifted the trophy eliminating all the rumors that there were politics issue in their dressing room saying that the barcelona captain puyol should be the national captain instead of the real madrid keeper since there were only 2 real madrid players in the team i.e casillas and sergio ramos (ruben de la red were still loaned to getafe during that time) compared to barcelona's xavi, pique, iniesta, etc. nevertheless the victory somehow sent a message to the big boys of world football e.g. brazil, argentina, france, italy or england that they were not to be taken lightly again.

but humility is the essence of success in this world cup for the spanish team as said by their sporting director come assistant manager, fernando hierro, former real madrid and spanish captain. they have to maintain their feet on the ground, focus and play like how they want to play their game. i am sure that they have learned from their past mistakes e.g the painful exit in previous world cup back in germany when france destroyed their hopes in the second round and failure to advance from group stage in both euro 04 and world cup 98 when hierro himself and raul were in the team.

whatever it is, just like what kinka said, rain or shine, viva espana! we'll see how their progress to the final, where brazil and italy are the potential opponents in their upcoming knockout stages. llueva o truene, vamos espana siempre!

No.	Pos.	Player	DoB (Age)	Caps	Goals	Club
1	GK	Iker Casillas (c)	20 May 1981 (1981-05-20) (age 29)	104	0	Real Madrid
12	GK	Víctor Valdés	14 January 1982 (1982-01-14) (age 28)	1	0	Barcelona
23	GK	Pepe Reina	31 August 1982 (1982-08-31) (age 27)	20	0	Liverpool

2	DF	Raúl Albiol	4 September 1985 (1985-09-04) (age 24)	23	0	Real Madrid
3	DF	Gerard Piqué	2 February 1987 (1987-02-02) (age 23)	16	4	Barcelona
4	DF	Carlos Marchena	31 July 1979 (1979-07-31) (age 30)	59	2	Valencia
5	DF	Carles Puyol	13 April 1978 (1978-04-13) (age 32)	83	2	Barcelona
11	DF	Joan Capdevila	3 February 1978 (1978-02-03) (age 32)	46	4	Villarreal
15	DF	Sergio Ramos	30 March 1986 (1986-03-30) (age 24)	60	5	Real Madrid
17	DF	Álvaro Arbeloa	17 January 1983 (1983-01-17) (age 27)	15	0	Real Madrid

6	MF	Andrés Iniesta	11 May 1984 (1984-05-11) (age 26)	43	6	Barcelona
8	MF	Xavi Hernández	25 January 1980 (1980-01-25) (age 30)	87	8	Barcelona
10	MF	Cesc Fàbregas	10 May 1987 (1987-05-10) (age 23)	50	6	Arsenal
13	MF	Juan Manuel Mata	28 April 1988 (1988-04-28) (age 22)	8	3	Valencia
14	MF	Xabi Alonso	25 November 1981 (1981-11-25) (age 28)	69	9	Real Madrid
16	MF	Sergio Busquets	16 July 1988 (1988-07-16) (age 21)	13	0	Barcelona
20	MF	Javi Martínez	2 September 1988 (1988-09-02) (age 21)	2	0	Athletic Bilbao
21	MF	David Silva	8 January 1986 (1986-01-08) (age 24)	36	7	Valencia
22	MF	Jesús Navas	February 26, 1985 (1985-02-26) (age 25)	6	1	Sevilla

7	FW	David Villa	3 December 1981 (1981-12-03) (age 28)	58	38	Barcelona
9	FW	Fernando Torres	20 March 1984 (1984-03-20) (age 26)	73	24	Liverpool
18	FW	Pedro Rodríguez	28 July 1987 (1987-07-28) (age 22)	3	1	Barcelona
19	FW	Fernando Llorente	26 February 1985 (1985-02-26) (age 25)	7	3	Athletic Bilbao

living in principles

2010-06-15T05:17:00.005+08:00

what is it i hold on to in this life? what determines how i live my life and how i operate. how do i measure that i'm living successful enough. is it the money, or the properties, can it be number of friends, or do achievements fit in the list? too many questions too many answers dwelling. i don't know why i'm always in my depth thinking mode lately.

everytime i'm in search of myself, my beliefs, my faith, my personality, everytime i am in a rush for happiness, the seek of balance, i always go back to the principles. okay, now what differs principle from a belief? for me, a belief might be inconsistent and different from one culture to another, variance from one soul to another. but the principle, it's universal, stand alone, the "it depends" phrase doesn't apply to it, and it's timeless, unchanged and everlasting. for example, let's take a very simple one as better segregation. eating with hands, it's a malay culture, chopstick for the chinese, fork and spoon for the others, mostly. it varies. but whatever it is you are using to eat, it got to be clean. and that's a principle. it's consistent across all kind of cultures.

we have all kinds of religions in this very mean world. different faith, encouraging their followers for different paths and beliefs. but all religion stressed their convictions and doctrines to be good, to be kind, to show mercy, to have manners, to love each other, to respect each other, and so forth. and it doesn't change, be it in 17th century, renaissance, be it in industrial revolution, different caliphs rule, protestant separation, millennium, whenever, forever, it is the same.

so, i feel like i've been strayed too far for too long, so many times. but we are mere mortals. i make mistakes trillions of times, you can't afford to run from them, we all make mistakes. that what makes us human. so colourful, this life can be.

but what is more important is to learn from our mistakes and always streamlined ourselves back to the principles. cleanse ourselves, forgive ourselves, and seek forgiveness from Him. in order to have clarity, the balance for serenity. stick to my faith, my religion. so that my path is straight, and never astray. dear god, show me the way. insha'Allah. amin~

blast off under the scorching sun

2010-06-07T10:35:00.008+08:00

yeah, another blast. we went to cherating, for our 3 days batch getaway, as one of the lined up activities for our 10th years after graduation anniversary. it was awesome. the beach was clean and nice, the chalets was perfectly lined up for us to stay door to door next to each other, the bbq food were nice, the seafood drive to kuala kemaman was even cooler, satar lunch on the second day was great accompanied with sweet air batu campur, skin dipped for many times, beach volleyball, sing along together with guitar strumming, poker games until morning, sun rise photography, a cool perfect gateway with close friends, again checked!

we planned for this trip since last year, we are proud to successfully held it. even though the attendance was not as per confirmed earlier, due to some of us had to rain check consequent of last minute commitments, but 20 plus of us was just nice for a turn up number. or else, it could have been too crowded, to jive and mingle around.

it was sizzling during the day, but we still managed to have our shirtless beach volleyball. full of laughter. some of us brought along their newly born sons. yeah, it's good to have cute kids around to hold and kuci kuci kind of play :) man, i was so touched to see how happy my friends who are married, together with their wives and kids. somehow, it developed my fatherhood sense that one day, i'll have my life, my faith, my religion, completed too. insha'Allah.

it was good to have the getaway to really get away from the metropolitan cramps, and all the problems in the office. so, next activity will be our back to school trip, with all those uniforms and last but not least, the grand gala dinner at the end of the year, as the closure, of a wonderful year. boys we were, and we will always be boys in our hearts :p the aging process doesn't affect the memories, truly.

victim of vanity

2010-06-04T09:23:00.005+08:00

in my quest of searching for a nice size 8-10 woman's leather jacket for her, i almost got myself caught off guard of being a victim of vanity. i was trying on few designs of man's jacket for myself since i couldn't find a single one which caught my attention. what a diversion. as the temptation built up rapidly.

man, the objective was to buy a jacket for her but instead, it almost end up another additional to my collection in the paper bag. but unfortunately lucky me (urgh), my deep conscience was clear enough, managed to convince me not to buy one of those two cool jaw dropping awesome jackets. hehe. and of all lame excuses i said to myself not to buy one, it was the climate came on top of the long list of doubtful self indulgence denial, etc. malaysia is too hot for another jacket in my wardrobe. yep, blame the sizzling weather. :P

the poking mind blower is, am i that vain to be a victim of my own vanity affair? don't judge me, it was hard to resist them okay! lol~

between needs and necessities

2010-06-02T20:55:00.002+08:00

after series of unfortunate events and incidents for the past 3 days, i feel like i need her most. more than i want anyone else. need her, need you now ~ :(

forgetful

2010-05-31T22:03:00.004+08:00

i am shocked how forgetful a person can be. one day they'd say "i'll move a mountain for you". then when it's over, regretlessly and remorselessly the tone changed and it sounded like this, "what mountain?".

cruel. so cruel. and yet they are happy with that. shame on them. i pity them for possessing that kind of attitude. too bad, three sad. for the second time in my life, i said to myself, "well, that's all for now folks, i'm gone, forever". in a month time. why? why? why are you doing this to me?

avracadabra

2010-05-30T11:57:00.006+08:00

i have been always inspired to write, to compose, or to produce artworks by my surroundings. the ambience just tickles me and then, hocus pocus, avracadabra, there you go, kazaamn, i'm aspired. sometimes it just happens. just like that. and sometimes, the energy, the ideas, just keep flowing, like they are running through my veins.

it's like a magical calling. one day i just woke up, turned on my laptop, and since then couldn't stop working. but there were times where, i got stuck, clueless, twitched, couldn't even write a line. yeah, ups and downs.

there were quite a number of people came to me and asked, what were those artworks meant for or what was i trying to convey. well, most of the times, i just did it. i just do things. i don't even have motives. i don't need reasoning for everything, in anything i scratch out. not everything comes with a reason. despite everything happens for a reason. how irony.

i've been learning french recently. here are some of my recent artworks with the introduction of some french essences in them :) enjoy~

p/s: mind me my french, my manners, my bad. my french is not that good..anyway, do they, those sexy french blokes pronounce avracadabra like we spell it in english? hihi :P

depth is loving

2010-05-25T23:02:00.013+08:00

i was reading some of my yahoo! messenger archives. yes, i do keep my chat thoughts in safe keeping. why? i like to learn from the history to make a better tomorrow's story.

time surely does fly but some part of me are dying, memories to be rekindled, maturity in progress, concepts in the making yet to be deliberated, artworks to spilled and inspired, etc. some of them are months old, and there are few of them are years old. worth of reading. quite an indulgence, flash back and suddenly tears streaming down my cheek.

i had fun, so much love and fun, virtually, few months back. but they are all gone. nothing but undead memories and nothing but empty unjustified promises. like a stranger in the train.

ah, what is past is past, what is done is done deal. let it be. let's us focus our energy to something worthy. a vast cast of something real real.

now what is left of me, is just plain body waiting for my miracle to be seen, so that i can flee. i'm scared. of myself. of uncertainty. to try. again. in this very deadly, tricky game of love. oh, i can not afford to be down on my knees, having my shirt soaked in tears. not again. not anymore. i had enough of this, well, these and hmm, those.

sometimes, at times, i just felt like i'm giving up. my hopes, believes, and my heart. i'm tired. exhausted. breathless. is it so hard to be appreciated?

but my positive character and optimist paradigm always keep me alive. bounced. i always believe in people. seriously i do. that is why i'm always trying my best to be as civilized as i can, civil enough to turn back and offer my apology, my sincerity. despite all the turmoils, albeit the sufferings. against all odds. just like what antebellum said, i rather hurt than feel nothing at all.

love makes us laugh and even weep. but true love never say goodbye. if this happens, love doesn't win, we will never win. then perhaps, it wasn't really true love to begin with.

but some people they don't get it. they don't see the goodness in this, in me, in this very odd boy. it is bigger than that. more than what meets the eye. sometimes one have to go deeper, to know me better. seeing is believing. sharing is caring. and for me, understanding in depth, is appreciating or loving. a true sign of appreciation. stay with me, bear with me. unfold me. and i'll make you happy.

flying without wings

2010-05-20T12:31:00.006+08:00

nope, uh uh, euww, not the song. i used to complain how exhausted i was back then when i was in sarawak. i used to travel a lot. i flew almost everyday. i stayed in the hotel most of the time. remember when i addressed on how fast my life turned out to be?

now? not anymore. i just realized that it's been a month plus of me free from flying. no more early morning flights. traveling back and forth. i kind of miss those. irony. at one point you hate it so much and all of sudden now you craving for it back. life. is like that. full of surprises. challenges. life is a hunt. like a wheel. one time you are on top, at the peak, at the tangent, at your very best, and the next thing you know you could be drowned, drunk, flat below, at your very worst.

now i'm still a frequent flier. it's just that it is now wingless. not in few thousands feet up in the air. but i fly in my own world. full of creativity. i'm free. carefree. like a bird. but no beak or beakless. hahaha.

i have my kenny and my jenny. jenny is the car. but it's a boy despite the girlish looks. hehe. you remember kenny? the camera. it's a she. despite the bold black built, complete with her new BFF, miss flashy, the speedlite external flash gun. now they are with me most of the time. i'm back at my best. on form. artworks, posters, printings, pictures editing, you name it. yet still i'm longing to name my golf set. too many of them to name them all. ranging from the shortest iron to the longest driver. maybe i should have named them like, "irony" for the irons, and "drivey" for the drivers. hahaha. what's with the shallow naming scheme? so against my nature and so much the creativity, huh? lol~

now let's talk serious things with seriousness, shall we?

do you know that eagles will go through an crucial, decisive, ultimate change and a very painful transformation process in their life cycle? all eagles will have their peak of their life at the age of 40 when they are matured enough, they have strong talons and beak to hunt. they have big wings span, to soar very high in the sky and can dip through in certain level of water surface to catch fishes and they are well equipped with thick feathers to float and to protect them from mountain colds. one thing you should one know that the eagle has the longest lifespan of its species and can live up to 70 years.

but in order to live up to 70 years, an eagle has to make a hard decision. this has to be well supported with the ability to see what's beyond our senses, our eye sights. clairvoyance. we have to be far sighted and firm with the choices that we make.

apparently, when in their 40's, the sharp and flexible talons become less capable of grabbing prey in flight. the previously sharp and long beak becomes bent. the feathers needed so desperately for soaring become old-aged and stuck to the chest, making it difficult to fly like the eagles used to. life, somehow is not as nice as it used to be to the eagles. then, it appears that the eagles are left with only two options: whether to die or go through a painful process of change. the transformation process lasts 150 days. the eagles choose to change by going high up on the mountain to their nest.

then, the eagles pluck out the beak by knocking it against a rock until it's out. after that, the eagles waited for their new beak to grow back.

next, the eagles pluck out their talons and wait again till the new ones grow back.

afterward, the eagles pluck out its old-aged feathers and lets new ones grow while waiting. when the 5 months process of painful transformation is completed, the eagles are now rebirth or rejuvenated and ready to soar and fit for action again.

why is change is needed? why is it so necessary for us to move on? why the eagles are so keen with the extreme transformation which doesn't guarantee their survival in the first place? yet or maybe hence, they believe it is best for their survival.

people say that a lot of times, in order to survive, we have to start a process of personal change no matter how painful, no matter how long, no matter what, we just have to do it to breathe "life" back into our years. just like what i'm doing now. for the past one year plus. changing my paradigms, getting rid of old, enslaving memories, stale habits and obsolete thoughts to allow us to unload past burdens. which, i believe a worthy transformation. insha'Allah.

well, there goes my flying without wings theory. sometimes, doing nothing or doing less does not necessarily mean that you are not doing anything. it is just that you are doing something more meaningful. it's the quality, not the quantity. ya, ya, same old same old. :) whatever it is coming, i will continue to ride cool free, and smile upon like a bee. heck.. i'm so sleepy. zzzzz!

moving on

2010-05-17T18:24:00.003+08:00

almost six months past. time surely flies. three words only. moving on onwards. have to. and i want to be more comprehensive for the next six months. that's it.

another consecutive disappointing season

2010-05-17T14:45:00.006+08:00

real madrid failed again this year. another year of nail biting full of resentment as we watched barcelona lifted the title again. they managed to retain their title after been trailing by us throughout the season.

finally, after a season long thrill, it is confirmed that barcelona won the la liga this year. again. you have no idea how disappointed i am now. after one and another of failures. after being eliminated by third division alcorcon in copa del rey or better known as the king's cup, lyon ditched us in the champions league, which to be honest, a very painful exit to swallow, a bitter facts to bear especially we had so high hopes to reclaim europe's most prestigious title back in madrid in our own ground, in front of our own fans. this year's final will be held in santiago bernabeu.

what now? another revamp of bench and head coach for the next season? no, not again. i think, personally, madrid's management needs to be a little bit more patient on the team's growth and progress. they should give manuel pellegrini another season to improve and to proof that he is the true el engineur as they said. he was an engineer before ventured in footballing career as a manager. deep down inside i know he can do it.

we are playing a better football now. the sensational fluid football is there already. the statistic says it all. we scored more than 100 goals this season, we reached 96 points at the end of the season, but they are all not enough. just not enough. we are lacking on the result. no silverware, no result. in the end, statistics, records breaking, they all remain just statistics.

next year, we are going to do a lot better. after the world cup ends in south africa, we will rebuilt the squad. not to change the entire line up. they need more time to blend, to gel with each other. one or two new recruitment would do just fine. the rest, it is up to the team to bond and excel in important matches. they flopped in all important matches. nervous, maybe. i don't know.

this is my prayers, my hopes and expectations as a true real madrid fan, a team i have been supporting for the past 12 years. we will be back. i am a siempre sere madridista. like how raul and fernando redondo are. hala madrid!

patience is the key

2010-05-15T10:39:00.004+08:00

yes, it is something that i lack most. i need to work on it. this is a test for me. i've drilled myself on humility and being a bit reserved, less transparent. bit by bit, i am improving. now i seriously have to inculcate myself in learning to be patient, living a life full of composure.

even my new hobbies are trying to teach me to be patient. golf and photography require high focus and equanimity. every shutter shot counts. every stroke contribute to the score whether it's boogey, par or birdie.

all my life i have been criticized, judged and penalized for being too honest and upright. sometimes is not about me. in fact, it is about other people most of the times, people that you love. i've stumbled few times and the statistic says that if only i could be a little bit more relax and i could have done better. self-control is not easy to master. to master myself.

this time around, i need to be calm and less self righteous. sit back and relax. be more observant. limit those silly silly little trivial many. if i can master this so very called self compose mastery, if god's willing, i will find my tranquility. patience is the key to my serenity. i foresee. amin.

another step forward

2010-05-13T12:27:00.004+08:00

i have taken another step forward in my passion for photography. after the procurement of speedlite flash gun, now i'm throwing myself in printing. i printed out few pictures and artwork of mine yesterday. it wasn't a bad start at all. i just need to brush up my sizing knowledge to have a full and accurate printing output. from 3R to whatever Rs available in the market.

what else recently..hmm~

last two nights, i held a karaoke session in conjunction of various occasions for few friends. it was fun, we had so much fun, even though the decibel and tone weren't that pleasant, i must say. nevertheless, it's the thought that counts.

lady antebellum's need you now surely was one of my favorite that night. and guess what, i got the chords already..yeah, i looove the song. and it's going to be a longgg three months. sigh~

it is part of the job

2010-05-02T05:45:00.005+08:00

last tuesday i held a meeting at my terminal. my very first meeting as a superintendent. i deliberated my expectations and standards. and we had a brief ice breaking session among us while enjoying our breakfast in the meeting room. after the meeting, we even had our photography session. i wanted to frame all faces who worked hard, helping me running the terminal.

and today, i had two foreign visitors all the way from sudan and indonesia respectively. both of them are future md/ceo for their companies, in which are still relatively new and learning in aviation business. i briefed them on my inventory, basic operations, my shifts arrangement for the operators and i even took them toured around the apron to witness the refueling operation of turbo propeller ATR type flight.

after that, i conducted another meeting with my staff, discussing on our getaway and welfare activities. and at the same time, i had to print a cheque to pay the land tax to the local authority. how irony is that? it's like i have to do everything. sigh.

next week there will be another two visits from our future customer. yeah, another series of welcoming gestures, mind you, it is, part of the job. i pay the utility bills, and i am also the operations manager. damn.

whatever it is, the responsibilities are mounting on me. i have so many things to learn, and i to be honest, don't really have any idea what i am suppose to know. it's like wandering in the dark. you don't know what to expect. but, patience on the other hand, positive thinking and resilience bold kind of character are few of the traits i want to inculcate into myself. in order to survive.

pray to Him for a smooth incident-less span of reign. so that people will remember me always, as a super superintendent, despite the look of a true walking "text book" narcissist. lol~

neon tree farm

2010-04-26T10:11:00.005+08:00

i went to i-city, somewhere near shah alam yesterday for an outdoor photoshoot with few close friends. it was a good outing. we took pictures..and after that, we had a big fat sweet air batu campur with extra chocolate and peanuts :)

warm yellowish sunset, cool spots, good weekend mood, empty memory card, fully charged battery, perfect outdoor outing checked!

here are some of the pictures i took. it was a difficult to frame good neon trees with good white balance, contrast and color. i was struggling all the way. but in the end, it's the thought, laughter and spending quality time outdoor with good friends around that counts. it is, good to be back, for good. taking pictures with justin bieber's baby played in the air. ahaks :p

to browse and view the rest of crazyh pictures taken, do visit my flickr photo page. till then, asta~

insecurity

2010-04-25T04:15:00.004+08:00

insecurity? yeah, some people lacks confidence. some people looks truthful and all fired up with esteem in the outside but the truth is they are worried inside. worry of rejection, resentment, disapproval, it could be anything.

what is this all about. nothing. i went to a seminar held by my company and attended by all the managers and above. a general manager greeted me and said " i heard you are back in subang, back in the operations, your forte'..". i was like, wow.."forte' "?

the truth is, i never think of it that way. yes, i'd prefer the operations over maintenance, looking at the current settings and ambiance. but, somehow i have this so called deep sound fear inside of me, relinquishing myself from all those big big huge responsibilities, on my very bare arguably wide shoulders. hehe.

never mind i said to me self. just go with the flow, and shall we not think of it too hard so that it won't get on me somehow, somewhere.

the complexity of the job, seriously gives me the chill, the insecurity. oh i am, the lousy aviator~

p/s: counting my days to buy speedlite flash gun!!

your own disaster

2010-04-14T18:08:00.010+08:00

i am sitting alone in my empty apartment. i just packed and cleared my things and ready to be shipped back to the city center. oh, i'm so going to miss this place. nothing much, sitting back, with vitagen in my hand, and my ears plugged with ear phones, listening to a play list full of alternatives span songs.

tonight i'm going to have my 3rd farewell dinner from different parties, organized by bunch of friends. hehe.

one of the song that caught my attention was sparta's breaking the broken and your own disaster, popularized by taking back sunday. these were the songs i used to play and listened when i was in graduate years. i started with finch's what it is to burn. hell yeah. and there was brand new with their hit, the quiet things that no one ever knows..haha..what a name for a song. vintage.

and now it is all about neyo, ludacris, katy perry, taylor swift, justin bieber and jay sean? hahaha.. well, you got to admit emo alternatives are long gone and it's pop era nowadays.

for you there, you know who, this song is for you..

just think of this and me
as just a few of the many things
to lie around,
to clutter up your shelves
and I wish you weren't worth the wait
cause there are some things
that I'd like to say to you

and I don't think that you know
what you've been missing
cause I don't think that you know
what you've been missing

and I dare you to forget
the marks you left across my neck
from those nights when we were both found at our best
now I could make this obvious and you,
you could deny me
all in one breath
you could shrug me off your shoulders

and I don't think that you know
what you've been missing
cause I don't think that you know
what you've been missing
and I don't think that you know
said I don't think that you know
said I don't think that you know
what you've been missing

hey lush, have fun
it's the weekend
hey lush, have fun
hey lush, have fun
it's the weekend
hey lush, have fun
(no I don't think that you know
what you've been missing)
hey lush, have fun
it's the weekend

(no I don't think that you know
what you've been missing)
hey lush, have fun
[forget me, it's that simple]
(no I don't think that you know
what you've been missing)
hey lush, have fun
[forget me, it's that simple]
it's the weekend
(no I don't think that you know
what you've been missing)
[forget me it's that simple]
(no I don't think that you know
what you've been missing)
hey lush, have fun
[forget me it's that simple]
it's the weekend

just forget me, it's that simple?

blast from the past

2010-04-11T17:09:00.010+08:00

you can click on these two pictures and save them with bigger size and bigger resolution. actually you can do that on all pictures in fact..

i just came back from my beloved royal town of Kuala Kangsar. me and the brothers had our long awaited 10 years anniversary celebration there, in conjunction with the annually scheduled MCOBA weekend.

oh yes, we had fun there. like old times. it was a good "back to school" trip. we ate. a lot. we played games and sports, we slept in dorms, woke up late, ate again, laughed, made silly jokes, bla bla bla, you name it. it was so like we were used to be, minus the academic part. hehe. and plus the sore throat due to the constant laughing and screaming. hahaha.

we had cendoi pulut, mee rebus and laksa at the riverbank..we had egg on toast, wan tan hoe mee and roti bakar at yut loy kopitiam..we rewinded the old stories..old jokes..making fun of ourselves..oh, god i miss those days.

some of us grew up drastically, some of us never changed. some of us grew bald, balder and balder, and most of us have grey hairs already..i know most of us have gone through a lots of thing but we gathered, we were all ourselves again. like we were fifteen, sixteen..or maybe seventeen..it's good to be back..no worries, carefree, lighthearted..

some of us got married and brought along their children. and most of us still wandering single. hahaha. whatever it is..we are still who we are, like we were and i foresee we are going to be like we are forever. we had our own performance that night. played our old songs..songs we used to sing and listen when we were young and when we had our music evolutions. punks. yeah, rancid, silverchair and rage against the machine were few examples of bands we used to admire that time.

here are some pictures i took during our gathering. one word to describe what we had. awesome! surely was a blast, blast from the past~

conveniently complacent

2010-04-05T23:46:00.002+08:00

i had a long day today. didn't get enough sleep last night. watched real madrid versus racing santander, scheduled la liga game live from el sardinero, north coast of spain last night. woke up as early as five and rush to the airport. went to bintulu for my site hand over to my successor.

then in the afternoon, flew back to kuala lumpur. and had a nice long chat western dinner with a friend. but that's not what i'm trying to write here. lol. scrap all those irrelevant introduction if that's the convention. :)

during my traveling hours in the flight and train to the city, it got me to think. am i being convenient as in too nice that in the end people took advantage of my kindness, took me for granted? or was it just me being too naive, compromising with complacent people?

whatever it was, i was too, too conveniently complacent, that i let my guards down, my radar off, not being well aware of those circumstances, these consequences. well, some people, they think they feel or own some feelings, but the truth is, they aren't. they just think it that way. they like to feel good about themselves. they just like the idea of being that way, the idea of having people like me around. it is nice. so good that it drowns them in their own complacency.

the hard, difficult truth behind it on the other hand is, they just don't give a shit about me. full stop.

in the end, i am numb now, cold, and disbelief that we are all living in a nice world. we are all living in damn crazy world, swamp by infectious broken society. maybe. perhaps vampires do really exist. i don't know..

boomerang

2010-03-28T22:11:00.007+08:00

seven days ago was my 27th birthday. it was a good one. i was in town, taking pictures of hot air balloons at putrajaya and went for movie, alice in wonderland to be precise.

and two days after that i bought myself another pedro shoes. it's brown, leather, flat sole and semi casual. that i can wear it both on casual occasions and to the office with all the ties and cuff links.

but my birthday was also a day of truth. i learn something that day. after all these years, i finally swallowed the hard truth that a friend of mine didn't really appreciate me that much. somebody whom i thought would appreciate me the way i appreciate her. it turned out to be a devastating moments of truth when i finally learned that it is not always as i wanted it to be. what you give is what you get back, i guess. i screwed up last time. so, fair enough. :)

but few hours after that, i learned another truth that there will always be somebody else who appreciates me better. haha. i got my first birthday present in years. haha. from someone i barely know and it was a boomerang. cute. and irony.

futhermore, i got the letter saying i am heading back to peninsular. so farewell to sarawak. i am going to be transferred back to here, back in the operations. so, another good news. i'm so like a boomerang, can be thrown and yet i always come back. never fail. exactly like the what you give is what you get back thingy. like what justin said, what comes around, comes around. like a boomerang.

lol~

i am a true madridistas

2010-03-14T00:15:00.006+08:00

i have been supporting real madrid club de futbol since i was fifteen when raul was still with his boyish short haircut. when hierro and fernando redondo were still around. real was just another second seeded club during that time when they won the champions league back in '98.

i have seen their ups and downs, but i never left them unsupported as my heart is already carved with an embroidery and it says "real madrid". only girls and real madrid had made me cried. i cried last year when barcelona trashed real 6-2 at the santiago bernabeu, real's own castle.

now it is all different when real are opted as the richest club in the whole planet with star studded line up in the likes of kaka, cristiano ronaldo and karim benzema. now, real madrid or informally known as "los merengues or the whites for their famous white strips or "los blancos" in spanish are tipped by sports pundits across the globe as the new galactic or "los nouvous galacticos" after the end of zidane, figo, beckham and ronaldo era.

last week, real again failed to see themselves advance to the last eight phase when they drew at home to olympique lyonnais, a french club. another disappointing champions league night. for 6 consecutive years, real failed to pass the last sixteen phase, the first knockout round.

what actually went wrong? they spend 260 million euros in total during last summer when they landed kaka, xabi alonso, cristiano ronaldo, karim benzema, raul albiol and others. they were so excited about the new project, and so do i. i was so desperate to see my club to clinch the treble title especially the champions league since their last win back in 2002 when zidane brought glasgow into haywire when he volleyed home the winner. i still remember that night. with the amount of money spent for the summer transfer fees, somehow the whole family put themselves in an immense pressure, burdens on their shoulder.

i don't want to recap and dwell what went wrong in the previous years. i want to specifically discuss what went wrong in their last match against lyon. as everybody know, xabi alonso the holding midfielder cum deep lying playmaker was suspended for that match. instead of replacing with similar kind of player, for example, fernando gago, manuel pellegrini the manager lined up jose maria guti and esteban granero in the middle of the park. so it was 3 of them in midfield, guti, granero and lassana diarra. guti and granero are similar kind of players. they have similar attacking mentality, more like a passer rather than to win the ball.

so it was only diarra alone in midfield to win the ball. that was the biggest mistake before the match was even started. with that, it was easy for lyon to dominate the possession the game when their have a larger percentage of ball possessions through out the match. when you fail to control the middle park of the pitch, it is simply as you are losing the game. this is somehow similar to what happened last year's match against juventus, and losing to arsenal somewhere in 2005, i think.

other than that, gonzalo higuain (my favorite star after aging raul has lost his touch) had a bad game. he was selfish in few occasions. he should have pass the ball to ronaldo who was in a better position to score. he simply blew up the chances and let the team down. but the real culprit that caused the team to lose the match was, the individuality plays. they were not playing as a team. everybody were so busy to prove their price tag. especially during the second half as they failed to response to lyon tactical reshuffled after the break which was, to cut the ball supply to the fowards by holding guti and granero down. simple but effective. they let lyon played their game as they wanted to like what they did in the previous leg three weeks ago in lyon.

but true football supporter backs his club no matter what condition the club goes. indeed, real madrid is having bad streaks in champions league. i have seen worst than this. like we didn't win anything in a season. bad times, frictions in the dressing room, speculations, you name it. but that's normal in football. people critics when you play badly and you don't perform. but as time progresses, real will prevail. i know it. patience to all madridistas out there. we still have la liga left to compete and to win. we will bring the trophies back in our estadio santiago bernabeu's gala room. next year. but i guess, money can't buy a team, a success, a legacy. ain't it dandy?

hala madrid~

swing and sway

2010-03-09T20:17:00.004+08:00

tell me if my left hip sways too much during my back swing down towards the ball in my down swing. sigh~

i like how camilo villegas swings his drive. you got to see this!