can you handle the truth?

i have just learned a lesson recently. the very one thing that matters in this life is the balance. and when you talk about balance, it brings you back to the very basic of elements of life which is the truth. the truth is what this life all about. people said that the truth hurts. as matter of fact, it does. that is what i learned few days back. it did dismantled me to be unbalanced.

i have always been straight forward kind of guy, i don't usually go around the bushes and i am not ashamed of the truth. i speak my mind and i own my words. even if i screwed something up, i will try to think of how can i make it right again rather than being fuss about what had happened and being grieved about the impact of what had i done. and surely, i appreciate people who is honest and speak up the truth because i appreciate the truth, i do, i really do. without the truth, people will lost their tracks and don't know what to do. i am speaking of past experiences.

is it really that hard to stand up for truth? i don't really believe in white lies. why lie just because you don't want the other party to hurt because you know the deception you give will only make things worse. for me, just hit them with the truth if you really care for them. i hate people who thinks those white lies will make them look good or leave them as the "good girls / guys" or their incapability in telling the truth because they don't want feel bad about themselves. i'd say all those are denial kind of character or maybe lack of integrity.

my advice to you, don't be a coward and tell the truth even if you screwed up badly. because i would appreciate it dearly and it will be much easier for me to make decisions deriving from that. i hate it when you lied on my face, when you dishonest me. how do i know you weren't telling the truth? because your actions after that didn't speak in your favour and the truth..

maybe God knows this is the best for me. being isolated from the truth..but surely one thing for sure, not everyone can handle truths or have the ownership to tell the truth..

being hypocrite or just ideal me?

last week, i went for a course arranged by the human resources entitled personal and interpersonal breakthrough facilitated by Dr. Sher Kawi, a famous psychologist in the nation. it was a good workshop as he used "personality plus" as one of his tools to conduct the class. i got excited as soon as i was handed over the personality test. guess what? i am all totally sanguine with the highest scores that no one ever recorded before..36/40! such dominant.

long story short, there were few conclusions made out of the three days stay in Pullman Putrajaya.
one, the company is not interested in the whole idea of being real me. they want the ideal me. the professional who behaves accordingly in true professionalism. meaning, i have to scrap the whole idea of being consistent, carrying the sanguine manner all the time. i have to adjust depending on the situation that i am in for. different hats for different roles that i am playing. its going to be a bit weary.

two, the ideal me means i have to be a hypocrite. just like one of them. you know, being submissive and buy each and every idea they sell. i have to sell my soul. i hate it but just to remind me and my conscience, i am doing this for the sake of surviving in the company. if i don't do this, another m3 will guarantee my exit. i'm like a race rat in this messy business of mine.

three, this whole professionalism thing is about managing perceptions and expectations. not so much of being wise, mature or smart. if you want to excel in the business, you ought to play your cards well enough, stay out of troubles and maintain your good reputation. one does not have to be very smart or very likable to go all the way up but, you just have to know where and when to strike. laymen term for it, be an opportunist..

now that i'm getting to understand the game and their games, there's one thing that concern me most. can i top the whole spectrum of this hypocrisy game?? let's just play along and go with the flow for the time being. but until when? only god knows what is the best for me and for all of us.

as far as i am concerned, they can force me to be whatever they want but i am not going to change entirely, giving up my true personality, character, my wit, my perspectives, and intelligence. one day, i will wipe out all this ass kissing culture and prove that this very odd witty geek can also be a good leader to change the whole world..insha'Allah.

dear God, hear me

i have been overwhelmed by a sad story. i feel so down now. feel like i'm being victimized and being treated unfairly. but who am i to have such skepticism and who am i to be in the position to judge? words and hearsay can not be digested, require filtration and a lot of facts confirmation before taken into consideration especially in the virtue of making decisions.

after all i've done and sacrificed for the organization, and what do i get back? i didn't put too much hope on merits, but demerit instead? well, that's harsh. now, they put me in 6 months probation with series of monitoring and counseling. can you believe that? bite my fingers, i can't believe it myself either.

am i that bad? i tried to deliver what it is expected from me, timely and with conformance to the specification. i tried to stay clean, no quarrels, no bad communication with peers and subordinates. do i deserve such downgrading?

Allahualam..

what now? lets not be such a fuss, bitching around about what happened. be a man, and keep on improving. things that i've learned in the two holy cities. never give up, and maintain a pure heart. avoid finger pointing, admit it it's my shortfall, own it like it is my weakness and never have bad thoughts on people.

patience. come, let us pray for His wisdom so that the truth will prevail, we stay in the straight path and let us not be astray. the truth is, it is never been a fair world.

amin~

why can't people just don't talk bad about other people?

what drives you to write?things come when you expect them the least.i chatted with a female management representative in the organization through facebook in the very odd 5 o'clock in the morning.who has ever thought of that?i got the knocked on my head.such early in the morning.

we started with my recent umrah and ziarah to the two holy lands.then arisen these sort of stories of people talking behind my back, untrue or partially true or other words of it, exxegerrated stories.shame and sad to know that we still have these kind of jokers in the organization.don't they have any better management thing to do that talk about other people?worse, they even discussed about this in my appraisal session.how subjective they were.am i that bad that i don't deserve any credit for what i've done and sacrificed for the company, to even been punished with such accusations?shocking, really shocking such stories they brought.

one word, unfair.totally unfair.Alhamdullilah, i'm back from my umrah and ziarah last week.it was a superb fascinating experience.a priceless one.and surely i learned my things over there.and i was so sad to leave Mecca Al-Mukarramah and to end my soul connecting session with Him.surely, if He grant my prayer, more rezeki from Him, i definitely will visit Him and His Rasul again.


when you are to be seated in front of the Baitullah, you will feel it.like you are so close to Him. during that particular time, you really don't give a damn about merits or appraisal rating 2,bla bla bla.all you care about is your sins and your deeds.that was what i felt, at least.

one more thing i learned there, forgive and forget in grace.we should forgive people for whatever zalim stuff they've done to you.if He, the merciful can repent and cleanse people from their sins, no matter how bad they've sink in the bloody swamp of sins, why can't you follow His steps of mercy, grace and honesty?

well, that is exactly what i'm trying to do. forget about all those people.move on.forgive them and always have good thoughts on people.never skeptical, never talk bad about them.insyaAllah~ more pictures in my flickr photo page. www.flickr.com/photos/kukubal

moving again or moving on?

i heard rumors that i am gona be transfered again soon. don't know, not sure when exactly but the hearsay was strong saying Senai will be my new home.
back to the operations?yes, i'm going back to the operations. why? have no idea. perhaps, it is time for me to move on from maintenance. i suffered a lot here in maintenance Sarawak. and i did learned a lot too. but then, another move after nearly just only two years here? there's must be a reason. one, they don't want me here anymore or two, some people at somewhere need me more than the people here, which is in this case; Senai people. will this be beneficial to me or am i just another black sheep or scape goat in some shit cycle to solve someone else's problem? yes, i am single, very mobile and high adaptability. but is it really necessary for me to move? i mean, later of course yes, but now? don't you think it's kind of too early to be relocated?
i will celebrate my milestone in the organization this august. only to reach my 3rd employment anniversary and i have already transfered twice and soon it is going to hit number three. shit, it's tiresome. packing, moving, settling back down, start all over again, new place, new faces.
i'm just..exhausted. that's all..

speed of trust

i have been away for quite sometimes and i think it is high time for me to write something in here.i feel obliged to write albeit the sluggishness. :) nothing much to update,really. but hey, i go back home every weekend nowdays. like old times sake when i was in penang. yeah, it costs, a lot but i guess there's nothing much there in kuching that have me fond.

my relationship with my superior?hmm~devastating.one word.thousands stories.it's personal now, and gone beyond professionalism, i guess. but what actually went wrong? i screwed up, yes, i did. he's micromanaging? a bit. i had my thoughts on this and i scrutinied it to one word. TRUST. the trust between us is no longer like what we have established when i was first adopted into his team.
when trust is decreasing, it costs higher and slows things down. the communications deteriorated, both of us keep labelling ourselves, lacking of integrity, talk bad on each other behind our backs, things like that. he misinterpreted almost what i said and got them all flat out wrong. it is really discouraging and wearing me down.

now that i've identified the root cause, what's next? the real challenge is not just wacking the roots instead of plucking the thousand leaves. it's the follow through, the fertilizing and watering part of the plant. sort of. first, apologize. bow low to the fartest. only the strong can have a sincere apologing manner. i somehow doubt that he will return the favour but, let's skip that part. if i am sincere, insyAllah he will do the same thing. second, action speaks louder than hailer. i have to prove him wrong. and we will see how things go by.

if i regain the trust, have it repaired, and have it fully restored, i will be back on track. i foresee things will be expedited. people says if you have violated the trust given, distrust, it is almost impossible to get fixed. i read the book "speed of trust" by Covey. it emphasized that it is can be achieved.

have faith, and never give up..i am bold, but the character is just too harsh for the boss. sorry..hehe..

new face same place

after a year of long writings, i think it is time to change the mood, the color and the layout. the concept might looks the same but the color settings are a little bit toned down, pastel, pantone, sort of.

why breaking the habits? i chose "truth hurts" and "breaking the habits" as the theme drive due to the recent paradigm shift i had been going through. been consumed by the deep conceptual writings of Covey's 7th habits of highly effective people lately. my aim is now to achieve my so called "private victories" and then propel it towards "public victories" by breaking up with same old lame habits - routines that have been dragging me backwards all this while. i am in the midst of change and vibration coming out from the change wave can never be as promising as this.

truth hurts? truth is always mean. infallibly. after all i have been through in the year of 2008, hence i can sum up with is truth is always mean but it guarantees you the end results with full of honesty. dare to speak the truth. or will you suffer on the consequences, suffocated.

so there you go..enjoy the new layout. for the rest of the year. considerably. InsyAllah..