Living It Best

Salam. I know. It's been ages since I last posted in here. It's been almost a year now. So many things happened in a year, even I lost track on the changes myself.

Firstly, Insyirah is going to be a year older by the end of this month. She will be two years old then. Time flies, and watching her grows everyday is the best thing to do after having her in this world was one of the best things that happened in my life. And she has a younger brother now named Furqan. Furqan was born last year, end of June to be precise. And having another breathing human being with my name as his last name is another blessing that I am so grateful for. My son, the heir of my throne.



Secondly, I just got divorced. I know, that just spoiled it all. After all the good things in the previous two paragraphs. Well, I've been wanting to write bout this much much sooner, a lot sooner than this. To express what I felt during the process, over a period of time. It when on for few months until we finally settled in court and reached sort of a mutual agreement, on the children custodies and many other things. Well, divorce is never a good thing. Never easy. And mutual was hardly in it. It was a fair and mutual kind of setlement, I think. For me, at least. Each of us get a custody for one of the children. Insyirah stays with me in the capital. Furqan stays with his mother in JB. I gave her the  visitation right, unlimited, unsupervised and vice versa. She can come and visit or take Insyirah overnight. I'm planning to do the same with Furqan but decided to postpone it until he is slightly older. He needs his mother most. Too young to stay overnight without his mother.

It is not that I don't want it, god knows how bad I want to have my son sleeping over, but the timing is not just right. Not yet. I love my son and daughter equally. Not more not less.

Both of them are not the same, in my observations, limited but sure enough I know that my children have different set of being. The way they sleep, the way they look at me, the way they were born, the behaviour, the way they cried for any reason, everything. Same blood running in their veins, but different in many ways. But I love them the same. Irony.

I tried to be as fair as I can. For her, the children, my parents in law, my parents, everybody but never to myself. All my life I tried to be fair and work my best to please most people, if not everybody. Well, self sacrificing has become my repertoire lately. I guess having children changed me as a person. In a good way, of course. That I always put them infont of anything, and I will do anything that I can think of, everything in my might and within my knowledge to give them the best. Best kind of living. Anything. Even if I have to starve or die.

Okay, what really happened? What were the causes? Personally, I think let's just put it this way. Two adults just can not be together anymore, under one roof, as husband and wife. Maybe it's our fate that it only lasted for three years. That it is already written this way. Knowing me, always strive for positiveness, that I look it as a process to make me as a better person. Do not get me wrong, like I said, divorce is not a good thing, never will be, and shall not be an alternative in the first place, but I always believe that this is all within His plans. Everything happens for a reason. Anything. And my divorce is no stranger to it. It is true, that divorce is allowed in our religion but never a good thing. He hates it most. And so do I.

Why do I hate it? Because it's a failure. My failure. And god, I hate it so bad that I know, this will affect my children. If not mentally, emotionally. Sooner or later. Eventually. Or maybe it is happening. I don't know. I can not tell. It's too early. But it affected me.

Everynight when I put Insyirah to bed, it gets me to think, like, f***, what have I done?! Always ask myself that is this the right thing to do? Could I've done any better? Save the marriage. For the children? The two people that I claimed so bad to be my utmost priority in my whole entire universe. Is this a good thing, having two siblings living and growing separately? Am I greedy to take Insyirah away from her mother? Am I cruel to leave Furqan unattended? What about his unbalanced upbinging?!

Thousand and one questions keep bugging me. Every night. Without miss. Speaking of miss, god! I miss my son. It's been over a month since I held him in arms.

Well, life. This is life. My life. My fate. My challenges. To raise a kid, without her mother. To miss another one, every single day. To live and to sleep with all these burdens, not knowing what will happen tomorrow, breathing remorses and doubts, worrying bout the two people that I love the most.

I hope this all will pass. Albeit I knew that the guilt will always be there. For the rest of my life. Yet, somehow I'm living it best.

Effortless In Forgiveness

I just don't understand why people still wants to justify when they are saying sorry.

We don't justify why we are sorry. Guilt is never to be reasoned. Forgiveness is a product of common civic value, a by product of humility. Apologies are never to be followed by proud excuses.

We are humans, we are bound to make mistakes. Error prone. When we do make mistakes, we feel sorry about them, and the guilt creeps in. And we seek for forgiveness. That is part of humanity and that is all about being a mortal. We have feelings.

We don't say "I'm so sorry for what I've done, but really, I want you to know that I did it because of I don't respect you bla bla bla.."...

Seriously, that was horrible. I doubt the sincerity of the plead for forgiveness.

And when people tries to do that, that derivation of why they are sorry, they tend to talk a lot. Tonnes of unnecessary things. Too much of a thing really will not help to ease up things.

Too much info doesn't mend, it is deteriorating instead. Bores the patch, pokes the wound.

We say sorry. Full stop. That's it. That is how it should be. And somehow it reflects true honesty.

And for that, sorry is always seems to be the hardest word. Because it is not easy. Only the strong can say sorry. Sincerely.

But it is never meant to be so expensive, let alone being cheap. Forgiveness is just priceless. And for me, it should be effortless.

count your blessings

some people are just ungrateful. they just can not stop complaining. and being angry and dissatisfied.

sometimes we have to sit back and check that it is not a perfect world. it is wonderful, but not ideal, far from perfection. and we can't have everything we want. but being content is noble and being contentious is evil. for me, being grateful of what we have is just plain vigour, mentally. so noble that it elevates you above others.

I've learned that all my life, i will never get everything that i wished for. lesson learnt. and I've been taught to be thankful and beholden, yet appreciative towards others. live by that code, that principle. hence, it is just too hard for me if it is not reciprocated.

but then again, life is like that. the world is not an ideal kind world. never thought being content of this feelings can occur to me. not this early. but the timing can never be this right. patience required and maturity cemented. I'm still well aware of all the blessings, the privilege I've lived on with. and still counting them in and counting on them.

phases of life

we can not run from ups and downs. everybody has their own sets of problem. life is hard. nobody said it's going to be easy anyway. it wouldn't be a life if it's too easy. it would be dull and monotone. those ups and downs are like colour swatches of life.

i believe whatever happens, happened for a reason. it's not going to be the end of the world right? these are hard times. phases of life. some people face these kind of problems or should i say difficulties probably later in their life. but i'm just being me, lucky enough to be able to experience this earlier in my life phases.

but whatever happens, i have to be patience, remain steadfast of whatever may comes. stand up and head remain high. there are times when i felt that i am all alone in this. surrounded and suffocated. tangled by strings of difficulties. bills to pay, commitments, baby soon to be born, my house for my family for a shelter, bla bla bla.

life. funny when it comes to think of it. at one point you were everything, and then some point of your life later, you are close to nothing. from hero to zero. i remember i used to write posts how grateful i was, blessings, i had everything i could have asked for. the love, happiness, stability, maturity, friends, support, respect, even golf. you name it all. i had those.

now it seems like i'm all on my knees, helpless. some friends become strangers now. your idea seems to come out wrong in every angle. perhaps it's just me feeling all down. mellowed and withered. but i have to go through these. i know i have to. i know i will. because i want to. suddenly all the positivity kicks in :)

now let us pray and cry for His help and guidance. there's no greater help and mercy than Him. i know somehow i'm destined for a greater thing. it's just that i have to endure the current situations and status quo. life. colourful. full of surprises. saturated with sacrifices hence love. if it's not like this, i wouldn't call it a living, and i wouldn't live at all.

convocation

i went to my baby sister's convocation yesterday. my mission was to take pictures, and to be there for the family. rarely for me :)

despite the blessing to be with family, occasion and the fun, somehow i could say it ended with tragedy. blame on the landscape, i fashionably, recklessly jumped and tripped myself by heavy landing on my both knees, to save my camera from breaking. what's with Malaysia's universities and hilly terrain landscapes!?

i hurt myself quite badly, torn pants on both knees, my shades dented, my camera scratched, nasty cuts everywhere, bleeding like hell, and list went on and on.

i guess, that's the price for being lazy to follow along the provided walkway. i could have done better. seriously. but lesson learnt.

anyway here are some of the picture i took.

my dad. with artificial noise (grainy effect) added to give more drama of a proud father in his smile :)

my mom. first class kiss from first class graduate.

and another blow on my aunt's cheek! she's a kisser, didn't she?! :)

seasoning seasonal me

i went back to JB last weekend to visit my in laws. there's this remark that my wife gave that somehow lingers in my head until now. she said that i'm seasonal. i like to get involved in many things but slowly i will find myself phased out. hurmm~

let's us see what is happening now. i kind of agree on her that my blog is running cold lately for the past few months. but it is not seasonal. it is just that i am so busy with work that i hardly find time to write and to update.

she also said that my photography life is dying and my kenny is getting dusty, since i have new mate now, my Playstation 3. she complained even those pictures taken during our Hong Kong trip last June were not uploaded. not even in facebook! :) ya, i admit on that. i was so lazy to go through the hustle of uploading and editing pictures.

i have not been on any golf course for nearly over three months now. i have stop working out regularly. less sit ups, less bicep curls. less jogs. no futsal games. i sleep less, playing video games.so what is really happening to me and what is happening now? the answers are, i simply don't know.

what i know now, sleep and video games are all that matter. hehe. i am so exhausted, worn out and lazy nowadays. after all i have been through past months. i call this lazy months. my wife call it mid life crisis! :P well, i'm not sure about any crisis but, i surely think a lot lately. about many things. so many things going on in my head. pounding. and it hurts. that's why i laid back a lot and in reluctant mode most of the times.

so am i really that seasonal kind of person? who lacks the follow through and consistency? or am i just plain seasoning and tired? probably both. but knowing me, i always bounce back and rejuvenate. but it will take sometimes. i hope it's going to be soon. i found it very hard to motivate myself and somehow self driving motivation is tricky lately..in the seasoning seasonal me.

happy eid-ul fitr 2010

this blog is suppose to convey good and meant for nothing but kindness. i never intend to offend anyone, not one soul. hence, in conjunction of this year's sacred eid-ul fitr and its blessings, i seek thousand apologies to all of you, body and soul, externally and internally, my most appreciated anonymous "the readers".

especially to innocent "wan nur ashikeen", always jovial "sakinah al-mubarakah", my sweet "tuan habibah" and my dearest "tunku isma adrina" for all my wrong doings, wrong sayings and my wrong writings. forgive me for all my verbs, nouns, vocals and thoughts. you guys mean a lot to me. and this is my admission of guilt. when lies become the truth, that's when i run to you. i regret all the sins i ever said or done to you, everyday as it will never cease, my love to you.

and the rest of you out there, i seek hundreds of forgiveness from you if i ever offend anyone via this humble personal thoughts scratching page.

pink is the theme for this year's eid color. and so does my heart to all of you. have a good raya. till then, keep on reading, just iqhbal naeem :)

corteous gestures

everyone has their own cycles. we are all normal human being. no matter how strong, how bold, how tempered like an iron we are, we all bound to have our emotional dip. mood swing, change of temperament, dispositions of mind fraction. whatever you might call it. it is just not normal for us to stay happy and smiling for twenty four seven three hundred sixty five long.

i am always the optimist kind of character, jovial and bubbling over. that is how most people perceive me. at least. but still, i have the other dark side of me, the not so funny of me. the mellowed, mundane and sensitive partitions of my personality. we are all unique blend of traits, aren't we? tried to sustain the bright colors, but i can't maintain the energy through out the time. it is just impossible. i'm just so full of designed flaws.

thus, whenever i am in my sinking mode, i will sit back and think. to regain the strength, the stamina of resilience. normally, i'll be back on track by myself within the time frames. depending on the weight of the issue. there are times, when i'll seek for words of wisdom from someone older, whom i really look up to. my former boss, mr. sam for example. and there will be times when i'll run to my friends. in search for the brotherhood kind of comfort. to crack some silly jokes, to remind me of those crazy old days, to have me distracted especially when i found no exit, no point of perspective no focus to the tangled issue. so that i can channel my energy back to find the solutions. normally for solution craving issues. but when it comes to heart matters, dilemmas and dramas, where i need no solutions, when i need someone who can tell me that it's okay to feel that way, that i'm still the man, that i will go through it thoroughly. so that i'd feel better. and habitually the soft voice of a woman touch ease me down. sooth me flat, putting out the rage. and my beloved mom and her tears never fail.

i just need someone to be at the other receiving end, to listen. i don't demand much. repeated simple nods, recurred "uhuh"s and number of persisted "i feel you"s would suffice. which i found it rare among boys. i'm not saying my long life dudes are not capable of these medicating routines. but there are times when i much in need of a female friend to have me poured with supporting elevating words. when i need a friend. she doesn't have to be my girlfriend or a lover. and for me, i do not require feelings to keep me and the listener intact. it does not necessarily have to be feelings everytime or to get the feelings involved. we are not talking about sexual intercourse here. it is just a simple plain courtesy from a friend to a friend. a gesture. an act of appreciation for who he or she is, for who he or she has been. for his or her kindness. all i ever want is sincerity. but my mom said that not everyone is adequately sincere as how am i sincere and heartfelt to them.

sadly, not everything in this life reciprocated. my late great grandmother used to remind me that not many people in this world understand the true meaning of courteous manners and kind courtesy. now i got her point and why she stressed it to me so many times until her last breath. and grandfather always strike me a chord that sincerity is so hard that it distinguishes us from others.

poem : guilty pleasure

the sky has lost its color, and the sun turns grey. at least that's how it feels to me. whenever you're away.

the fragrances are now odor, and oh those drab days. at least that's how i feel when i am no longer me. which coincides with your presence's sway.

i crawled up in the corner. to count the minutes pass. each one brings me closer to, the time you're coming back.i can't take the distance, i couldn't stand the miles. just in an instance, the thoughts erased the smiles.

but i see the lights now. i always do. i pray now for the end of the coo. sounds of despair from creeping in. killing all i ever believing in.

these mellow traits just don't have me operated. instead, it derives me as stagnant, and segmented. thus i need my palette of colors back. just don't leave me asphyxiated in the sack..

for you to notice

i'm starting to fashion an idea in my head where i would impress you with every single word i said. would come out insightful or brave or smooth or charming. and you'd want to call me. and i would be there every time you'd need me as i'd be there every time. but for now i'll look so longingly waiting. for you to want me, for you to need me. for you to notice me.

but life just won't go according to our plan. we plan, we make the effort and we pray but He decides.

i'm not mad at you. nor i'd be hurt of the fact that you don't want me as i want you to be. but the attitude and mentality that you portrayed just too inadequate for me. i just couldn't believe that you exhaled it. that you'd be the first to leave to avoid unnecessary conflict. that you are too fun not to ruin your day with what's bothering me. man, that surely hurts. and what would make me then? perhaps just a conflict, a burden to you. i still hope you didn't make those such statements sandwiched with pure intention.

i don't know about you, but i personally think i do deserved some empathy at least, from someone who regards herself as my friend. when i need a friend. and the fact that you are too proud not to call me until now speaks for itself. shame.

well, there's nothing i can do to change that. believe me i tried. to inculcate. it's just that i think it would be best for me to be the first one to avoid any forms of unnecessary selfishness :(

faster the better

pray for haste recovery against the existence of a fair-weather friend. knowing it alone stabs my heart.

there's "more" to it

it's true. sometimes, it takes months for a person to realize something. some people years, some might need a hard bang on the head to learn some cheesy idea. some require series of unfortunate events or accumulated frustrations to finally swallow the truth.

today, finally i got myself out of it, beyond doubts and confusions. to finally kill the emerging hatred and to eventually wipe off the bitterness in me. now i got it. understood. it's possible for her to feel it that way but at the same time get herself confused, like what she confessed.

well, she made her decisions already. for the better. for the best, for all three of us. for him, for me and definitely for her. it wasn't the famous choice of all time, and surely wasn't pleasant at all. she got to choose. and somebody has to loose. it was hard for me to swallow and now i understand, finally that it wasn't easy for her too. maybe it's true about those things she used to tell me. but it's just me, too greedy to have it all, to proud to accept the truth and her decisions, either or, perhaps both.

but things are different now, probably too late to amend. i said things, mean things. and i regret those. this is the best for everybody. everything happens for a reason. now i just stick to my prayer, like i used to said to her, that i always pray for her happiness. there's nothing else i want other than to make her smile, even it costs me to weep. she is in good hands now, better than mine.

i thought she lied. i wanted more from her, more than what she could possibly to offer, nothing less than what she could never be to me. nothing was enough for me. she tried. but i was just too proud to admit that what she offered was the best she had. to be friends, and demanded me to stay, stick around.

maybe she was, telling the truth. that she loved me, but she loves him more.

forgetful

i am shocked how forgetful a person can be. one day they'd say "i'll move a mountain for you". then when it's over, regretlessly and remorselessly the tone changed and it sounded like this, "what mountain?".

cruel. so cruel. and yet they are happy with that. shame on them. i pity them for possessing that kind of attitude. too bad, three sad. for the second time in my life, i said to myself, "well, that's all for now folks, i'm gone, forever". in a month time. why? why? why are you doing this to me?

another consecutive disappointing season

real madrid failed again this year. another year of nail biting full of resentment as we watched barcelona lifted the title again. they managed to retain their title after been trailing by us throughout the season.

finally, after a season long thrill, it is confirmed that barcelona won the la liga this year. again. you have no idea how disappointed i am now. after one and another of failures. after being eliminated by third division alcorcon in copa del rey or better known as the king's cup, lyon ditched us in the champions league, which to be honest, a very painful exit to swallow, a bitter facts to bear especially we had so high hopes to reclaim europe's most prestigious title back in madrid in our own ground, in front of our own fans. this year's final will be held in santiago bernabeu.

what now? another revamp of bench and head coach for the next season? no, not again. i think, personally, madrid's management needs to be a little bit more patient on the team's growth and progress. they should give manuel pellegrini another season to improve and to proof that he is the true el engineur as they said. he was an engineer before ventured in footballing career as a manager. deep down inside i know he can do it.

we are playing a better football now. the sensational fluid football is there already. the statistic says it all. we scored more than 100 goals this season, we reached 96 points at the end of the season, but they are all not enough. just not enough. we are lacking on the result. no silverware, no result. in the end, statistics, records breaking, they all remain just statistics.

next year, we are going to do a lot better. after the world cup ends in south africa, we will rebuilt the squad. not to change the entire line up. they need more time to blend, to gel with each other. one or two new recruitment would do just fine. the rest, it is up to the team to bond and excel in important matches. they flopped in all important matches. nervous, maybe. i don't know.

this is my prayers, my hopes and expectations as a true real madrid fan, a team i have been supporting for the past 12 years. we will be back. i am a siempre sere madridista. like how raul and fernando redondo are. hala madrid!

tick tock! and the lantern

yeap, the clock is ticking. i am going to be twenty seven years of age in a month time. time is running out. am i single? nope.
there's someone. all this while, there all along. but i just can't quite make a move. now the ball game is on me. i was hurt, big time, forgiven her but just can't forget, still hurt. that's it.
i can't take this to the next level. we all have to agree that the damage has been done and it was collateral. beyond repair, irreversible.
i have to mend myself, and move on. this is a battle in me. the inner self of me.
dear god, show me the way. send me the lantern. the lights. what to do. what to say.
just go with the flow or drop the ego, bow low to accept the apologies?

broken strings

i was driving alone destinationless around kuching town. put on my mp3 cd and james morrison's song broken strings came out. i heard the songs like hundred times before but i never pay that much attention on the lyrics. it is a good song indeed. it's singable but i didn't know the lyrics were nice too. for me, don't know about you. nelly furtado's voice fits in nicely with james's. the duet is examplary. here are the lyrics for you and your thoughts to cherish.

Let me hold you for the last time
It's the last chance to feel again
But you broke me, now I can't feel anything

When I love you and so untrue
I can't even convince myself
When I'm speaking it's the voice of someone else

Oh, it tears me up
I tried to hold on but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it's not enough
To make it all okay

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before?

Oh, what are we doing?
We are turning into dust
Playing house in the ruins of us

Running back through the fire
When there's nothing left to say
It's like chasing the very last train
When it's too late, too late

Oh, it tears me up
I tried to hold on but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it's not enough
To make it all okay

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before?

But we're running through the fire
When there's nothing left to say
It's like chasing the very last train
When we both know it's too late, too late

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse
So how can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before?
Oh, you know that I love you a little less than before

Let me hold you for the last time
It's the last chance to feel again..

sigh~

the collision and forgiving myself

maybe i did ever loved someone before, but it wasn't never like this sincere. that happy, happier than that. perhaps i did missed a soul before but i don't think it was this deep. i probably fell for a girl before, but it wasn't as same as to this stumble. it's like this is my downfall.

conceivably, maybe, she'll never believe in me, my feelings, how i feel for her, goodness me, the love i built for her, the heart i traded for hers. it was different, i don't how to put it convincingly, but i just feel it. it might appeared like just another love story, except it wasn't.

yes, i dropped them down, my armors of ego, my vambraces of narcissism, my shreds of complacency tassel or whatever denial iron mask painted with guilt from past mistakes i was wearing, whatever was left of me. i thought it was A okay to open up, to let myself to be vulnerable again, to finally let someone come in and lend me a hand in my change process, to allow another soul to understand me for who am i and to help me heal from my previous battle scars. by perchance, i thought she was the one. maybe she was the one. right person but wrong timing, by chance. it takes two for a destiny, a serendipity. in a short while she elevated herself in my long friends list. we became good friends.

she was one of the best friends that i ever had. but i let myself consumed by the feelings and lure myself to be deceived by the wishful thoughts. i was my own venom, my own cocaine. i lied to myself even though i knew it was inappropriate for me to play my cards in this. and i put her in a difficult position, a rough seat for a ride, a space full of confusions, an obscure state of mind too painful for the heart to bear, for me to endure. i hurt her. and i put it hard on myself. too hard. and it made me become more susceptible to get hurt.

i was rather sensitive, thin-skinned to her words and thoughts. she's hurt and i let myself crashed whenever the times she tried to seek comfort from me instead of medicate her. i was so weak to hold firm my stance and just be there for her. of all people, i should have help her to get through it. not to deteriorate her more. oh, i must had broken her heart badly.

now, i lost it. she doesn't want to be friends with me anymore. i can't afford to even think that i lost my best friend and a fan too. someone who finally sees the good side of me, someone who perceived me naturally and honestly which is rarely happens to me. someone who appreciates me plainly just the way i am, someone who admires the sheer talents that were awarded to me, someone who really believed in me that i could change for the better, someone who finally be able defuse me from my anger, soothed me from my sore. she placated me through my change scheme.

but life must go on. my family and my work commitments need me. i can't stay etched, drowned and bruised. i need to forgive her and the only way for me to ever be able to do that is by forgiving myself for what i've done. i need to let it go. let it go, let it slide. i need to admit and face the truth that i made mistakes. i must confound my fear. i used to have her helping me conquering our fears but this i have to make it alone. then only, i can ever accept her apologies.i had the best 60 days of her approximately. she used to sing for me beautifully.

i'm not angry of her, i am just, tired, dissolved and helpless don't know what to do, what to say, how to react. dear God, what did i do? to deserve myself this kind of pain and twinges in the heart? will i miss her, will i be missing her? i think i am. the collision of her kindness that make it so hard, so hurt.

in the essence of time

how well you treasure your time? is it really important to you to manage your time effectively? nowadays, people talk about the big rocks of managing time and time management. but, does anyone know that time also can tell different stories, truth and it also can heal wounds, or broken hearts?

i think we have to agree that when it comes to heart matters, we as mere mortals can't be objective or think straight anymore. it's not easy. difficult to make decisions when our head is so messed up with our emotions. there's no yes or no answers and it will never be black or white. it is all grey when you are in that state.

what's wrong actually? i think, if you really mean something that you said to someone that you care, you will be opened up and will be vulnerable. you'll have the high tendency to get hurt over trivial things, the small small things. because you were honest and sincere about how you feel towards the other person. once your head can't operate in its appropriate manner, you will say or do things that you'll regret afterward.

what happen to me? i think its been awhile since the last time i was in love. and there is something about me being in love. i have this "oneitis" syndrome and symptoms like there is no other, there is no replacement for her and i give it all like tomorrow never come. laughs. funny as it sounds, but i seldom get into this kind of trouble.

so, what do i mean by time as medium of medication? sometimes, we just need to let it slide and heal by itself. space and time are brothers and interrelated to each other. together, they work wonders. if you let it be by itself leaving it with a space, a room to heal, a medium to recover and to learn, as time goes by, the result will come. some people they can forgive but they can't really forget of the collateral damages done or taken place. but as time permits and space enduring, people will eventually come to their senses that it is not really an ugly world afterall and there's always hope or something to learn out of it.

all my life i have hurt people around me and i have been hurt many times as well. it reciprocates. i am so sorry for all the bad things i've done and those harsh words i've thrown. i just want to you to know that i mean well and i've learn things out of it. it's not that i don't regret or ashamed of my wrongdoings but i like to think that there's always light at the end of the tunnel and there's always rainbow after rain. i learned a lot from my mistakes to become a better man, not a boy and all those had me coloured and colored my life. like a rainbow. but in a permanent kind of fashion.

God creates me this way with all the strength and weaknesses. for me to leverage, to share, to coach other people, to extend my joy and happiness in order to make people that i care to be happy. and to learn to improve gradually from others. not to distract or make other people's life miserable. i just want to love regardless and unconditionally and i hope to be loved endlessly.

dear you, yes, you know who you. i just want you to know that i really care about you and it never occurs to me, not even a split second of the essence of time for me to think of hurting or bringing harm to you. i never been this sincere and you teach me a lot of things, you analyzed me and your analysis teaches me to open up. that its good at times to be yourself again. your kindness and care healed me and helped me go through my nightmares and darkest fears. i know i have never been nice to you, and i don't have anything to offer. all i am is just a complex difficult subject for you to comprehend. so sorry. but deep down inside i just want to you to know that i want to share things with you, and maybe perhaps you can learn something out of me, even the silliest thing it might be.

now, all i need from you is you to forgive me and i'm hoping that you won't give up on me and my change wave. my quantum leap change progression. i'm growing for the better and i seriously hope that you can be a part of it. all we need is time and patience. i know we can be amazing, amazingly significant to each other eventhough it stays platonic. i am so proud that i've known you that our path crossed eventhough i didn't start in the kind of good footings you would expect me to..

finally, we have come to the end and after series of reality checks and reality really does bite. back to reality. i hope you cherish my ever presence and the colors i brought into your life. and the pantone colors never stains, never sinks and never fades. i wish. i hope.

can you handle the truth?

i have just learned a lesson recently. the very one thing that matters in this life is the balance. and when you talk about balance, it brings you back to the very basic of elements of life which is the truth. the truth is what this life all about. people said that the truth hurts. as matter of fact, it does. that is what i learned few days back. it did dismantled me to be unbalanced.

i have always been straight forward kind of guy, i don't usually go around the bushes and i am not ashamed of the truth. i speak my mind and i own my words. even if i screwed something up, i will try to think of how can i make it right again rather than being fuss about what had happened and being grieved about the impact of what had i done. and surely, i appreciate people who is honest and speak up the truth because i appreciate the truth, i do, i really do. without the truth, people will lost their tracks and don't know what to do. i am speaking of past experiences.

is it really that hard to stand up for truth? i don't really believe in white lies. why lie just because you don't want the other party to hurt because you know the deception you give will only make things worse. for me, just hit them with the truth if you really care for them. i hate people who thinks those white lies will make them look good or leave them as the "good girls / guys" or their incapability in telling the truth because they don't want feel bad about themselves. i'd say all those are denial kind of character or maybe lack of integrity.

my advice to you, don't be a coward and tell the truth even if you screwed up badly. because i would appreciate it dearly and it will be much easier for me to make decisions deriving from that. i hate it when you lied on my face, when you dishonest me. how do i know you weren't telling the truth? because your actions after that didn't speak in your favour and the truth..

maybe God knows this is the best for me. being isolated from the truth..but surely one thing for sure, not everyone can handle truths or have the ownership to tell the truth..

change and resistance to change

fellow readers. greetings...earthlings and eorlingas (the name of the tribe for rohan, land of the horse lords in LOTR). crap, i know. abaikan..

today i want to talk about change. yes, people change and we all do change. we do it all the time, and it's part of the process. life without change just wouldn't be a living and won't make a life. i've been contemplating recently. about, of course, change. you know, those kinda questions mingling and commingle with silly thoughts and again yes, ignited by past vast experiences.

what do we need in order to change? okay, lets go back to the very basic, why do we change in the first place? is it because we have to? or is it only because we are forced to; as we go along the way and all the sudden, things are not working out anymore and we feel like now it is time to change? major breakthrough, paradigm shift, you name it, whatever, it's all come back to the roots of being transformed into something new, converting, executing, implementing, rehearsing, performing, NEW things. surprisingly this very one noun and/or verb can be coupled with so many other verbs. as much as it can be for the better and goods, or vice versa, surprisingly, who knows. only we know. you and i both knew it.

and then, speaking of change, does it tag along intact with TIME? i am pretty sure that all of us have gone through series of change chain. yeah, quite a tongue twister. hmm, i would go for yes. lets face it, when we were young we saw things differently. as we grow older, the wiser we turn up to be. and of course, we see things differently. i used to love big sized billabong and no fear t-shirts. what about now (chris daughtry's what about now?) ? M or L t-shirts and baggy jeans are big no nos nowdays. hehe..

but then, that is all the change occurring within ourselves. what about changing other people? hehey, not too fast buddy. it would be best called as "influence", don't you think? recently something happened, and it was not the very first time things like that happen to me. yeah, it sucks just to think how bad it could be if you know how stupid you are not to learn from your past mistakes and pitfalls.

now, lets talk about my problem. one of my problems in a long list is that i always come to think that i can change someone. i think i have the credibility in influencing people around me, building relationships and enhancing personalities. now i know, i am so damn fucking wrong. there's no way you can change or instill values in somebody else personality. shit crap if you think you can. people will only change if they want them to. if they feel like doing so. people change stimulated by their environment, surroundings and daily occurrences. but not by other people. not directly, literally indirectly, maybe.

i guess it's in our nature as a human to have that kind of emotional attachment for someone you care that u feel like you are obliged, as you ought to save them from so called disaster. like you are some kind of messiah shit sent to be her/his savior. and trust me, it is hard to change. that is why people resist to change. always..forever.

have any idea why? in my personal cases and point of view, it's very much caused by the inner thoughts of fear. the greatest fear of all, and it would be the fear of losing. believe me, THAT is one of the common generic fear we have in this corrupted world.

this is only change that i am writing. and it haven't been extended to "exchange" or "interchange". i can't imagine how bad the scrolling part could be if i do so. hehe..maybe not here, another post perhaps.

till then, here is something to ponder, i'd say, "fuck it, it's not your job, not your duty to change them. just let them be. it's not worth for the energy to even consider! it's already too late..."