It Is What It Is

After all these years, after all the dates and the girls (not that I'm proud or bragging of) I've met or communicated with, I still found myself in no man’s land about how they think or what really attracts them. Still clueless, about the DOs and the DON’Ts, how to react smartly or manly if things go sideways, and the list goes on and on.

As you probably know by now, I’m single and back in the dating game. I used to keep doing the wrong things, saying the wrong things, to say them inappropriately or ill-timely kind of things. Or acting needy, insecure, totally no self-control, blurting everything on the table, or being too nice like a therapist, or an emotional tampon to the girls, or projecting too much affection, over pursuing, talking my way towards liking her. Becoming the “mangina” or the male girlfriends. Weak, rushing and boyish.

You see, all these beta male behaviours really didn’t get me anywhere with girls.

Well, they said repetition is the mother of all skills. Rinse, cycle, and repeat. Doing something over and over again until we really be good at it, and get good things out of it. And they also said, you need to get to the noses in order to get to the asses. LOL. I just made that up. The truth is, we need to get the NOs before we get the YESes.

So, am I saying that I finally get it by now? Well, not entirely. But slowly bit by bit I’m getting on it. It is much better now. That's for sure. 

And somehow, my daughter Insyirah and having her in my life really helps. It “accelerates” the learning process and absorption speed to the next level.

Oh wait, how is this have anything to do with courtship? Why the 4 years old girl got anything to do with THE game? Well, allow me to cuddle you with the elaboration, like I always do. Like the way I always do best :-P

Believe me dear reader(s), buckle up as this might take a while. Somos listos? Vamos!

Having a daughter and raising her teach me about the dynamic relationship between a girl and her father, or whoever the father figure during her growing up years. It doesn’t necessarily need to be a biological father. But in my case, I’m the biological father and ALSO the only parent she has most of the times. Her mother is living 300 plus kilometers away, and our daughter spends bulk of her growing days and hours with me and my parents. I can see that I’m her hero, the mountain, the sun, that unmovable roots and for her I am the alpha male, the centred male figure, someone she can look up to, someone she adores most, her core, her everything. It’s natural, in a sense, it’s effortless, and I didn’t have to crack my head to be those and she doesn’t have to think or to learn those. It is what it is. Es destino que no nos puede separar. It is destined like that, and things are flowing and she will continue to grow under my guidance, and nurturing (since I have to take up her mother’s role to be the motherly figure) while I will continue to grow old learning new things everyday bout parenting, just by having her around in my life, which the best thing that can happen to any dad.

Insyirah is a very smart girl, an independent sassy and mature girl way ahead of her age. She knows bout her parents, she knows bout what’s going on, and she did well to understand the situation, and she adapts well, juggling her schedules between me and going back to visit her mother and brother. She knows where she is standing, she knows what her roles are as a daughter, and I can see that she just knows what to say and what to do in those complicated moments. And my god, we are talking about a 4 and a half year old kid, mind you.

Every day she knows what to do, her routine, she knows how to keep herself occupied, being the only child in the house. She likes to color, and to draw. She acts like she doesn’t really need me to be around twenty four seven, but when I got back from work, she will greet me at the door and runs towards me, asking for the self-validation, the love, the assurance, the manly presence. We usually continue chit chat about what she learned on that particular day at school, what did she had for lunch, did she had an ice cream after school, whether Johan (a boy at school, and yes, I know! They are supposed to be in a kindergarten and remain four years old!) teased her at school, or did Arissa (probably one of her best friends at school since she keeps mentioning her) gave her the new Frozen stickers again and so forth. I just keep asking the questions, and let her babbling about the details and those too much info or TMI stories over and over. I literally did nothing. I keep asking questions from what she answered. And repeat. Rinse, cycle, and repeat, remember? When she had all she wanted to say heard, or she feels heard, she will stop and jump down and run away.

Same goes when she plays with her second cousins, Danish and Qaisara. She usually will be the one being teased and she bursts into tears every time this happens. Guess what? When it happens, she will run towards me, and ask me all those questions, the typical why and why those two kids said such things and bla bla bla. When I comforted her and she feels better, she will jump down from my arms, and run back to the siblings and continue playing. She will say, “Okay, I want to continue playing with Abam Nish and Kak Omei” or continue to finish her colouring or continue whatever she was doing before. She will hop off from my lap and run away and resume her things. 

Sometimes, I even had to beg her to give a kiss. Imagine that, I am her father, her core, her mountain, what not, and yet I had to ask for a little act of love from my own 4 year old girl?? Sometimes, she does it, sometimes she just shrugs me off and ignores me. I was like, seriously?? But I never take it personally. That really hit me hard. Every time. Without fail. But somehow, it teaches me something, every time.

And WOW! And there and then, that was when the magic moment kicks in. And now, I know. Like really really understand this shit. Girls are like that! Nothing personal, but they are just born like that.

It is scientifically proven that the dynamic is the same when a girl gets into a romantic relationship with a boy. She will act and react towards him exactly how she grows up with her father. She tends to look for the same qualities. She tends to dislike or at least be able to see the things that are lacking in that boy’s core, his values, and etc. And it is not her fault if she expects or having a set of expectations of how the boy to treat her. Because she is so accustomed to this. She is used to this. Same goes to my daughter. Any girl for that matter. Insyirah will come to me at her will. Whenever she feels like, wherever she wants to. At her own PACE, SPACE and TIME. She doesn’t need me to say the magic three little words or the famous four letter word all the time. She will ask for it whenever she wants it, when she feels like the need to hear it from me. Other than that, she will continue to be her space, doing things she likes. Without me or me pestering her. I love it when I pretend to be a nosy little boy, tickling her, distracting her, just trying to get into her way especially when she is watching her cartoons in YouTube. She hates me when I do that. And I’ll usually stop when she about to cry or when my mom yells at me to stop! LOL.

Now, you see, a girl doesn’t want us boys to say nice things to her all the time. Let alone saying that we like them, right away in the first date. They know it. It is like a common sense to them. But not to us. They do not need us to say that we like them to know it. They are trained to read the signs, our body languages, both our verbal and non-verbal signs, the glow in our eyes, the tone when we talk on the phone, how we text, the frequency of our text, the speed of our reply, simply EVERYTHING. The fact that we ask them out, they know straight away that we are into them.

Girls or women, go on dates to see what it is about the guy, what is he made of. Not to be in a relationship straight away. Guys go on dates to lock the girl into labels and commitment. It takes more than that to get them in love, to have them emotionally engaged. We got to balance it all. Between too much and not enough.

This is actually unavoidable since men are meant to break barriers, achieving goals in life, to provide, etc. It comes together with the ego as a package. Oh well. Hehe. Meanwhile women are meant to receive, to bond, to nurture, to love and to trust. I'm not being sexist here but just stating my observations and what I've learned over the years. 

They said, women are like cats and men are like dogs. Dogs are loyal, they like it when people show affection to them, and they run after the bone people throw for them to chase. They go nuts when people pet them, or have them pampered. They show it straight away that they like it and love their master who smothered them with affections. And dogs are loyal to their masters. But women on the other hand, are like cats, a curious creature. How many times when we chase a cat and they stop and let us hold them like dogs? Yeah, exactly, ZERO! Si, nunca!

They usually walk in circle, lurking, stalking, analysing, and don’t be surprised if you see a cat comes and rubs her fur at someone’s feet and that person is the one in the whole room who paid least attention to it. Basically a girl, needs to feel safe, and sure that they guy is good enough for her in order to help her to grow more, and be better. She doesn’t need another younger brother, for her to babysit. She doesn’t have time to wait for the guy to grow into the man she hopes him to be. She definitely doesn’t want to teach him about life or how to be a man.

Yes, she wants another sun, to shine and to light her paths. The same mountain like how her dad treats her. The man, who is centred at his core and values, that man who she can always feel safe and assure of herself. She needs a substitute to her dad. A similiar father-esque figure, whom she can rely upon, but in a romantic manner. She looks for another alpha male. Not a boy.

How many times we hear that girls talk about that confidence in men is the sexiest thing that attracts them most above other things? Not money, and definitely not looks. But men, on the other hand are visual creatures. Well, I hate to admit this but it is true. When a guy sees a girl, he knows already whether he likes her or not. If he likes her, he will let the clouds smother him, only to find him day dreaming, wondering on how great the sex will be, how many kids he will have with her, how great the wedding ceremony will be, how adventurous the life growing old will be, simply everything. LOL! For some reason, blame the movies, the chick flicks that we see day in day out for years. In the movie, a boy meets a girl, the boy likes the girl, pursues her, says the typical you-are-the-last-beautiful-girl-on-earth poetic kind of words right away and the girl smiles, he dines her, wines her, buys her flowers, they fall in love, and the boy does more and the girl can’t help herself to fall in love more and more, says to herself "oh well, MAYBE I do like this guy" and they got married and live happily ever after. Oh yes, plain daylight robbery kinda lie. In real life, this doesn’t happen all the time. Seldom there is a maybe case. Probably 90 percent of the times, not the case. Not by chance, not at all. Big bull shit billboard there. Lo siento!

In real life, the only way for a girl to fall for a boy is, the boy to be her mountain. He takes his time, slowly she feels comfortable and more comfortable with him until she knows that she feels safe to be around him. How she felt safe to be around her father. She doesn’t need the wine dine and flower yet. Not just yet. Those vain efforts are usually perceived as bribery for sex. And act of neediness. And over pursuing will definitely turns her off. She only wants him to get to know her. She wants to see whether he is compatible with her for her to open up. To be emotionally engaged. She wants to see what the boy is made of. His values. His aspiration about life. Is he having his shits in life all together? Can he provide? Can he remain composed and unmoved in hard times? If the boy continues to do everything right and timely right, she will continue to feel comfortable with him and feels that she wants more and more. Too much until she is all over him. She will starts to pursue and do all the pursuing. When all these assurance creep in little by little, then only she will brings out the exclusivity topic, the “now what are we” talks. And this probably takes months. Hence, only then, the dines, wines and flowers are permitted. Really, it is what it is. This is how attraction works. The law of attraction.

So for those guys out there reading this, do take your time and do not over pursue. RELAX. Take a thing, one step at a time. Just go out and have fun. This is also scientifically proven that couples who play and do fun physical activities together will naturally bond better. Laughs and jokes around. Nothing serious. Banter, tease and banter. No politics, religions, or ideologies. Save those for your best male buddies during teh tarik session after futsal. Just be yourself. Nothing fancy. Let it flow, naturally, like the streams down the waterfall. It works like a gravity. Over pursuing will only leads to rejection. She will back off, fearing for many things. Over pursuing or rushing things out only shows the lack of manhood in the guy, that he fears that she will not like him and dumps him. Well, what we fear most, will eventually gets the better of us. Careful there. What if things don't work out? Easy, lick up the wounds, and move on. Continue searching. Remember, it is nothing personal, it is just that she wasn't really into you. Do not be bitter or butt hurt bout it, be a man and continue be nice, and slowly walk away. It is just a numbers game. Purely statistic. Some girls like you, and probably, more do not. 

The objective in any relationship is, for us to give. Without having any expectation, or expecting anything in return. We all should be in any form of relationship with the “to offer” mentality, simply not in “what to get from this” kinda mentality. We all should be in a relationship to grow each other. Or in other words,  we should look for a relationship with someone who wants to share their completeness with us, not to complete each other. And do not get complacent, the courtship never ends! 10 months dating or 30 years marriage? It doesn't matter. The effort is still the same. It doesn't matter what you did good in the past. Always you got to be the gentleman for them to put on their make ups. It is as simple like that.

After all, love is all about giving. The unconditional love. I don’t expect my daughter to say she loves me back every time I say that to her. Or say thank you for all what I’ve done for her. I’m here to give. To give my all, and never expect anything in return. The respect, the love, the appreciation will all come naturally. And a partner who is equally matured and having the same principles will reciprocate accordingly. There's no need to be fearful about that. And hopefully, my daughter and her brother will adopt the same principle. Give from the heart, and know the value of love.

But do not mistaken this giving it all as a weakness. It is not a sign of inadequacy or insecurity. Not even a slight hint.

This is the true strength. A noble sign of self-loving, self-belief, pure sign of honesty, and a great sign of completeness. This is an abundance mentality, not scarcity mentality.

But before we give it all, we need to know how to filter. How to remain composed during the selection process, what to look for, what to avoid and when to stop caring, who, how much and when to invest emotionally etc. I didn’t learn all these overnight. It took me years to finally realize this. It took me countless of heartache, countless of dates, and even a marriage to learn all these. I've been there done that, bought a T-shirt, took a picture and wrote a blog bout it! Kahkahkah. But I live with no regret. I never regret myself marrying my ex wife. She taught me many things in this life. The marriage and the divorce definitely taught me to be a better man. It is just that it didn’t work out, and it was not meant to last longer than it is written to be. Again, it is what it is. Es lo que es. We need to go through the NOs first before we got to the YESes. Go for No because Yes is the inevitable destination, but it is the No is how we get there. Los NOs antes los SIs.

The key is to find someone is equally excited to get know you. Someone who is interesting enough to be interested to invest her time and emotions for you and to learn more about you. It is whether she is interested in you or not.

Oh yes, it is. It's either she likes you or not. Whether you are in or you’re out. She can't choose whether she wants to like you or not. This is not a classic MAYBE or PERHAPS tragedy like in the movies. It doesn’t work that way. Attraction is not an option, guys. Do take note of that. This is not a B rated chick flick movie. This is real life. And in real life experience, we all got to play our cards right, keep them close to our chests in order to keep ourselves in the game, or else, we are out of the game. It is either to out-wait or to be outwitted. Good luck! Buena suerte! Adios.

Living It Best

Salam. I know. It's been ages since I last posted in here. It's been almost a year now. So many things happened in a year, even I lost track on the changes myself.

Firstly, Insyirah is going to be a year older by the end of this month. She will be two years old then. Time flies, and watching her grows everyday is the best thing to do after having her in this world was one of the best things that happened in my life. And she has a younger brother now named Furqan. Furqan was born last year, end of June to be precise. And having another breathing human being with my name as his last name is another blessing that I am so grateful for. My son, the heir of my throne.



Secondly, I just got divorced. I know, that just spoiled it all. After all the good things in the previous two paragraphs. Well, I've been wanting to write bout this much much sooner, a lot sooner than this. To express what I felt during the process, over a period of time. It when on for few months until we finally settled in court and reached sort of a mutual agreement, on the children custodies and many other things. Well, divorce is never a good thing. Never easy. And mutual was hardly in it. It was a fair and mutual kind of setlement, I think. For me, at least. Each of us get a custody for one of the children. Insyirah stays with me in the capital. Furqan stays with his mother in JB. I gave her the  visitation right, unlimited, unsupervised and vice versa. She can come and visit or take Insyirah overnight. I'm planning to do the same with Furqan but decided to postpone it until he is slightly older. He needs his mother most. Too young to stay overnight without his mother.

It is not that I don't want it, god knows how bad I want to have my son sleeping over, but the timing is not just right. Not yet. I love my son and daughter equally. Not more not less.

Both of them are not the same, in my observations, limited but sure enough I know that my children have different set of being. The way they sleep, the way they look at me, the way they were born, the behaviour, the way they cried for any reason, everything. Same blood running in their veins, but different in many ways. But I love them the same. Irony.

I tried to be as fair as I can. For her, the children, my parents in law, my parents, everybody but never to myself. All my life I tried to be fair and work my best to please most people, if not everybody. Well, self sacrificing has become my repertoire lately. I guess having children changed me as a person. In a good way, of course. That I always put them infont of anything, and I will do anything that I can think of, everything in my might and within my knowledge to give them the best. Best kind of living. Anything. Even if I have to starve or die.

Okay, what really happened? What were the causes? Personally, I think let's just put it this way. Two adults just can not be together anymore, under one roof, as husband and wife. Maybe it's our fate that it only lasted for three years. That it is already written this way. Knowing me, always strive for positiveness, that I look it as a process to make me as a better person. Do not get me wrong, like I said, divorce is not a good thing, never will be, and shall not be an alternative in the first place, but I always believe that this is all within His plans. Everything happens for a reason. Anything. And my divorce is no stranger to it. It is true, that divorce is allowed in our religion but never a good thing. He hates it most. And so do I.

Why do I hate it? Because it's a failure. My failure. And god, I hate it so bad that I know, this will affect my children. If not mentally, emotionally. Sooner or later. Eventually. Or maybe it is happening. I don't know. I can not tell. It's too early. But it affected me.

Everynight when I put Insyirah to bed, it gets me to think, like, f***, what have I done?! Always ask myself that is this the right thing to do? Could I've done any better? Save the marriage. For the children? The two people that I claimed so bad to be my utmost priority in my whole entire universe. Is this a good thing, having two siblings living and growing separately? Am I greedy to take Insyirah away from her mother? Am I cruel to leave Furqan unattended? What about his unbalanced upbinging?!

Thousand and one questions keep bugging me. Every night. Without miss. Speaking of miss, god! I miss my son. It's been over a month since I held him in arms.

Well, life. This is life. My life. My fate. My challenges. To raise a kid, without her mother. To miss another one, every single day. To live and to sleep with all these burdens, not knowing what will happen tomorrow, breathing remorses and doubts, worrying bout the two people that I love the most.

I hope this all will pass. Albeit I knew that the guilt will always be there. For the rest of my life. Yet, somehow I'm living it best.

Expectations Versus Confidence

Last Saturday was a memorial day for me. For the first time in my golfing career, or my golf life persona, I played in a official golf tournament. It was MCOBA Masters, an annually held golf competition among us, the old boys. Actually, it is not really a competitive kind of tournament. The way we see it, it is more like a social gathering, a get together kind of outing in a golf course where the old ones meet the younger ones, and you know the rest :) It's my first tournament, and probably the most remembered ones for more to come in future endeavours.

But I am not writing about the tournament, the excitement, the networking, the feel and pride being part of the great MCOBA fraternity and such. I'm writing about my thousand and one failure during that particular round of golf. Let us just say, that I didn't have a good round that day. Certainly wasn't playing to my current potential. Well, I hit good drives but my short games were terrible. Duffed, I topped the ball on few occasions, I snapped during my putts, I didn't chip close to the hole like I used to do, and worst, I even shanked my pitch shots. You know, that sorts of silly but costly mistakes. By the time I reach the 9th hole, my score was already up to the target I've set earlier, with another 9 to go. Crazy.

So, what went wrong actually. Definitely I'm not that kind of player. I know I can do way better than that. I even score considerably good in my standard and potential on the same course, in a round of 18, 3 days earlier when I went for a dry run to get me well prepared. Which, makes it more unbearable. The frustration.

In the name of a game called golf, the mind plays a crucial role. The old sayings said, 90 percent of a round of golf, is played in the mind. Which I can never agree more and argue less. It is so crucial that it takes control of everything. Not just my swing, but my confidence, and definitely my pride.

So here I am, contemplating on what really happened last weekend. Was it the nerves? That rush of blood to the head? Pounding out, taking control over me and letting me down? Yes, but only in partial. It was the expectations that really killed me. The expectation is always considered by most to be working parallel with confidence. The higher the confidence is, automatically the expectation is sky high and vice versa. I beg to differ. In golf, the opposite is true. The higher the expectation we set in a round of golf, the more pressure we put on ourselves to hit great shots everytime. Which is a great recipe for failure, a cardinal's sin we call it in golf.

When I put certain expectations in this very first tournament, subconsciously I've put a certain target of score, or a particular level of play to be met during that round of golf. What happened was, when I hit a bad shot, my mind, my pre-frontal cortex ( the CEO of the brain, not the motor system that controls the body and muscles movement) quickly assessed my swing, to find the culprit, more like a fault finding process. And my mind breaks down my swing part by part to find the very mean of faultiness. When I thought that I've got the answer, subsequently I tried to correct it in "the level of my swing", not in the mind. Which resulted in doing more, or overdo, not less. Well, doing more or overly done in golf means disaster. In golf, less is more. As a result, there were worse shots, and I even missed a less than 12 inches putt. Bloody frustrating.

Why did I put too much pressure on myself? I don't know, maybe with all the preparations I've made, all the time and effort I've poured into, the equipment that I've upgraded, not to mention the apparel and garments that I've tried to match up everytime, I expected myself to put such a performance up to that "standard". But when I get too excited bout it, hence the silly mistakes, I only let myself further down, so low that I couldn't recover up to the last hole. Which is so not me. It felt like I was just started playing, like how I used to be 3 years ago. That showed how devastating it was for me.

So lesson is learnt. Now, I'm not just going to practice the swing itself, but the mental aspects as well. Recovery from a bad shot is part of the lesson plan :) You know, living in the moment, not in the future, and definitely not in the past. And try not to putt too much unnecessary pressure on myself. For a better score and the hopefully I will enjoy my golf tournament more in the future.

I know I can do better than how I performed last weekend. With the knowledge, the techniques, the equipment, the drive and with all the time and efforts I've put into, I even can play with a very low score of 88 actually. But I've to take it one step at a time. Next tournament, I better prepare myself not just in the swing perspectives, but in mind department also. Managing my expectations exponentially, maintaining my self confidence, controlling the nervous feeling, that sort of stuffs.

Golf, oh golf. I wonder, how on earth did I get so immersed into it in the first place?! Immersed and so etched that the game is shaping my personality, bit by bit :)

phases of life

we can not run from ups and downs. everybody has their own sets of problem. life is hard. nobody said it's going to be easy anyway. it wouldn't be a life if it's too easy. it would be dull and monotone. those ups and downs are like colour swatches of life.

i believe whatever happens, happened for a reason. it's not going to be the end of the world right? these are hard times. phases of life. some people face these kind of problems or should i say difficulties probably later in their life. but i'm just being me, lucky enough to be able to experience this earlier in my life phases.

but whatever happens, i have to be patience, remain steadfast of whatever may comes. stand up and head remain high. there are times when i felt that i am all alone in this. surrounded and suffocated. tangled by strings of difficulties. bills to pay, commitments, baby soon to be born, my house for my family for a shelter, bla bla bla.

life. funny when it comes to think of it. at one point you were everything, and then some point of your life later, you are close to nothing. from hero to zero. i remember i used to write posts how grateful i was, blessings, i had everything i could have asked for. the love, happiness, stability, maturity, friends, support, respect, even golf. you name it all. i had those.

now it seems like i'm all on my knees, helpless. some friends become strangers now. your idea seems to come out wrong in every angle. perhaps it's just me feeling all down. mellowed and withered. but i have to go through these. i know i have to. i know i will. because i want to. suddenly all the positivity kicks in :)

now let us pray and cry for His help and guidance. there's no greater help and mercy than Him. i know somehow i'm destined for a greater thing. it's just that i have to endure the current situations and status quo. life. colourful. full of surprises. saturated with sacrifices hence love. if it's not like this, i wouldn't call it a living, and i wouldn't live at all.

seasoning seasonal me

i went back to JB last weekend to visit my in laws. there's this remark that my wife gave that somehow lingers in my head until now. she said that i'm seasonal. i like to get involved in many things but slowly i will find myself phased out. hurmm~

let's us see what is happening now. i kind of agree on her that my blog is running cold lately for the past few months. but it is not seasonal. it is just that i am so busy with work that i hardly find time to write and to update.

she also said that my photography life is dying and my kenny is getting dusty, since i have new mate now, my Playstation 3. she complained even those pictures taken during our Hong Kong trip last June were not uploaded. not even in facebook! :) ya, i admit on that. i was so lazy to go through the hustle of uploading and editing pictures.

i have not been on any golf course for nearly over three months now. i have stop working out regularly. less sit ups, less bicep curls. less jogs. no futsal games. i sleep less, playing video games.so what is really happening to me and what is happening now? the answers are, i simply don't know.

what i know now, sleep and video games are all that matter. hehe. i am so exhausted, worn out and lazy nowadays. after all i have been through past months. i call this lazy months. my wife call it mid life crisis! :P well, i'm not sure about any crisis but, i surely think a lot lately. about many things. so many things going on in my head. pounding. and it hurts. that's why i laid back a lot and in reluctant mode most of the times.

so am i really that seasonal kind of person? who lacks the follow through and consistency? or am i just plain seasoning and tired? probably both. but knowing me, i always bounce back and rejuvenate. but it will take sometimes. i hope it's going to be soon. i found it very hard to motivate myself and somehow self driving motivation is tricky lately..in the seasoning seasonal me.

vaccine

rehab rehabilitation. getting better. vaccination is finally here.

sick

today i just learned hard truths. sour and bitter to swallow. number one, i am emotionally sicked and i need help. that's it. when you are mentally ill your physical also very much affected. i lost my fire, my positive energy. it feels like i am all soaked in a acidic swamp. i don't really feel good. laid down. couldn't eat. number two, she's getting married. well, everybody is leaving. and when i looked around, i am all alone. too bad. another pain. and this is beyond comprehension. sigh~

up in the air

i watched the movie last month. i didn't get the chance to watch it at the cinema few months back so i bought the original copy dvd. seriously, it's a good movie. now i feel like writing about it even though i could have jobbed this down long time ago. yes, procrastination. still lingers :)

it's about a man who works for a company which offers a service to any organization in a very specialized delicate task of disemployment. in laymen term is, he goes around to fire people out of their jobs. how sick is that? but he is freaking good at it. he's good in everything he does.

but i am here not to talk about george clooney and his cold cruel occupation. i'm here to write about how deceiving this life can be. if we are not careful and mindful enough bout it.

a promising young talent also been assigned to under shadow him. she has to follow him around to learn how to fire people effectively. i can't believe if there's such thing for a living. anyway, the character in that movie also goes all over the states not just to put a formal misery into people's life, but he also gives motivational talks. he fights for this so called "self-freedom" or "self-independence" against the whole crap spectrum of this world. that no one deserves the "unnecessary" headache of the "should not be the thing in the first place" marriage.

believe it or not, he goes around and encourages people not to get married and trying his best to inculcate that it's like a backpack, full of things, so heavy that the straps are cutting their own ways into our shoulder flesh. he has his own sets of wish lists and targets in life to be materialized. and he summons that everyone should forget about marriage and just follow each other dreams. he also tried to convince his apprentice, the girl, that what's the point of having a boyfriend if you know happiness is way beyond your grasp.

he just does not believe in the whole idea of having someone to share his life. his miserable life. he's living in denial. pretending that he's all happy to be alone. being in the air, flying all over the places throughout the year. staying in the hotel most of the time. sheessh, what was he thinking? i've spent most of my sarawak days in the hotel rooms, and i tell you it is not even close to be fun. not at all.

but along the story plots, he met a girl. who is somehow the female version of his. they got clicked, easily, not a surprise. a miserable man meets a lonely girl. what an equation! they do fun stuff together, they laugh, they dance, and they even fall in love with each other. he thought, at least. he thought that she is the one. finally. against his preachings. finally against his conventional belief. he finally thinks that it is time for him to be vulnerably opened to the real love. he feels he is now ready to make a connection.

but the truth is, he is just an escapism for the girl. one day, he went to her hometown, without telling her, for a surprise visit. he showed up at her door, only to be more miserable to know the truth that she's married. with kids. sad but true. and that's how the movie ends. he learns the very hard truth. that he is all alone. he has no friends. no family. and he is getting older and dying. the fact that everyone is dying is traumatizing enough but dying alone is much terrifying.

so what is the lesson can be learnt here?

one. do not ever believe that we can live on our own. we all need others in this life. be it family members, friends, or even enemies, to keep us going. public consummation is the ultimate victory. be good individually is just not enough. being a successful and important team player for a winning team is much satisfying.

two. not everyone is as how we perceived them to be. he thought that the girl likes him and single and ready for his ever anticipated love. but she is not. he is just a contemporary temporary dreamy toy to her dream world, away from her normal life as a mother and a wife. whenever is needed.

three. which is the most unbearable. he has to eat his very own words. he is now walking backwards. against his own quotes. he is now desperate for someone, for someone's love. his self love is just inadequate, not anymore as he finally believes that it is more than all those. he achieved all his targets and dreams. and then what? he knows now the concept "two is always better than one" makes sense.

ouch and triple ouches. ouch, ouch, whoa ouch! it couldn't get any subdued sadder than that, ain't it?

for you to notice

i'm starting to fashion an idea in my head where i would impress you with every single word i said. would come out insightful or brave or smooth or charming. and you'd want to call me. and i would be there every time you'd need me as i'd be there every time. but for now i'll look so longingly waiting. for you to want me, for you to need me. for you to notice me.

but life just won't go according to our plan. we plan, we make the effort and we pray but He decides.

i'm not mad at you. nor i'd be hurt of the fact that you don't want me as i want you to be. but the attitude and mentality that you portrayed just too inadequate for me. i just couldn't believe that you exhaled it. that you'd be the first to leave to avoid unnecessary conflict. that you are too fun not to ruin your day with what's bothering me. man, that surely hurts. and what would make me then? perhaps just a conflict, a burden to you. i still hope you didn't make those such statements sandwiched with pure intention.

i don't know about you, but i personally think i do deserved some empathy at least, from someone who regards herself as my friend. when i need a friend. and the fact that you are too proud not to call me until now speaks for itself. shame.

well, there's nothing i can do to change that. believe me i tried. to inculcate. it's just that i think it would be best for me to be the first one to avoid any forms of unnecessary selfishness :(

which knot did you tie?

almost always pick the best time to drop the worst line, almost make me cry again this time, another false alarm, red flashing light, i got choke during my dine. said them intentionally and you felt fine.

but i'll be just fine, pretending i am not, apart from lonely, and it's all i've got. i've been trying to have your words sorted, but i found it a hassle due to all those knots, so i thought, leave them unraveled i rather not. because the truth is so mean like the time flies, abducting my youth.

you see, knots are not chords. they don't rhyme. they are not synchronized. no beat no lyrics no melody. it's like a plague with no remedy. full of symptoms but no direct cause, whatsoever. and i do believe the symptoms will be prolonged, propelling towards greater course, forever. but this is no comedy. not a charity, definitely infallibly not funny. all empty, halt and vacuum.

i like kris allen's the truth. honesty is honestly the hardest thing for me right now. have been singing and playing the guitar over the song lately. unwillingly liking it. my mind tumbling, my heart crumpling, my hands trembling as my mouth mumbling. too bad, three sad. sigh~

p/s: those pictures do not imply any correlation with my mumblings above.

thrice is a stranger

i'm only going to ask you once. hesitance is a sign of procrastination for me. and surely procrastination is a theft of time. and i always work with time line. timeliness is essential to me. and there's a time line for this and for anything. you can't just drag things long. too long till further seems forever. i don't have forever for everything, for anyone, to notice. and i don't dwell too long on the past. it ain't going to change anything. we have to be responsible in everything we do, all the decisions we made. we learn from the past not be haunt and be slaved by memories. we mourn then we move on. i am a memory master, i rekindle but i'll try not to get burnt like a candle. i like to do right things right, first time. for me, we have to be grateful of all what we had and what we have, and learn to appreciate things what's in front of us because we will never know what's important to us until it's gone. so that we have to do it one time, once. yes, i am a forgiving character, merciful soul. once and twice are twin brothers. but thrice is a stranger. and we are not getting any younger. i bounced back normally, but too much of it can make us sick, and if i decide it to call it off, then it will be a turn off, permanently and definitely not a mozoltov. for once, in an instance, let's do it right. sincerity fades. and so does my faith and my smile. but the hate, it stains.

wishful thinking

i was just wondering. sitting alone in my office's room in the middle of the night. taking a break from graphs and charts and data. ya, it's kind of spooky knowing that i am all alone on the whole floor. my operators are downstairs. i think. assuming one or two of them are watching astro in the crew room. or, they might even not in the premise. standing by at the apron waiting for transmile cargo aircraft to be refueled.

i am trying to conduct two studies. one, to convince the management that i need a bigger storage tank for my aviation gasoline or also better known as avgas. two, to convince the management that i need optimum 3 persons per shift for my 24 hours operation. that's the reason why am i still in the office this late.

when i'm all alone, it usually gets to me, to think. of many things. so i was wondering what it is like if i have a family now. a wife, cooked the dinner, waiting at the dining table for me to return so that we can have dinner together. sigh, wishful thinking. and again, reality check kills the dream, taking the breath of me. exhaled. frustrated. no surprise there.

what would it takes to make you come back? the dream. the thoughts. of having someone. but i keep telling myself what it is, the truth, and it's just ain't like that. and i'm just getting boring and boring. even my mom told me that i look gloomy nowadays.

ya, right.

forbidden goodbyes

ten years ago i once said this to all my friends and junior when i left the malay college, "there are things better left unsaid, and goodbye is one of them".

this year, this season, real madrid club de futbol will have to part with two of our all time living legends i.e. raul and guti. both of them have been with the club since they were kids and been playing almost 15 years in the first team.

"it was a hard decision to leave but i need to continue playing regular first team football", said guti the magical full of visions playmaker. the five-time spanish league and three-time champions league winner that it was not an easy decision to leave his boyhood club and that he felt sad at the departure. he is the true passer, master of assists and through balls.

for raul, it is needless to say, to state his contribution and devotion to the club and to his nation. he is their all time top scorer in all competitions in the likes of primera liga, champions league and also in their national colors, one goal ahead of sensational david villa. he's the living legend, the icon of spanish football. real raul. he's a true leader, a classic example for all young players, in and off the pitch.

but life is like that. people come and go. sad but it is for the best of the club. both of them need to continue playing and staying at santiago bernabeu is a hinder. guti will be reunited with former real madrid coach, bernd schuster at besiktas, turkey while raul will join felix magath's company shalke 04 in germany.

with both of them leaving, iker casillas the legendary goalkeeper automatically will be the new real madrid captain as he already succeeded the same responsibility from raul for spain national team. and sergio ramos will succeed guti for the vice captain post. i think.

both of them are good friends. together with many life time friends like fernando morientes, zinedine zidane, luis figo, roberto carlos and fernando redondo, they played together for many years. raul, 33 this year, father of three boys and a girl, is truly a leader, clean ever clear from any gossips neither any red card for 15 years and he is a true barcelona, athletico madrid and valencia destroyer. he scored many times against the three biggest club arch rivals. here are some videos, tribute to them.

1. raul alejandro blanco gonzalez, raul's wiki
2. jose maria gutierrez hernandez and guti's wiki

this post i dedicate special to them, a tribute for the kind of class,technique and the flamboyant style of play,reasons why i am so in love with real madrid and spanish football. ever since. i feel the lost of madrid number 7, el capitan and number 14, el dominator. already.

between needs and necessities

after series of unfortunate events and incidents for the past 3 days, i feel like i need her most. more than i want anyone else. need her, need you now ~ :(

forgetful

i am shocked how forgetful a person can be. one day they'd say "i'll move a mountain for you". then when it's over, regretlessly and remorselessly the tone changed and it sounded like this, "what mountain?".

cruel. so cruel. and yet they are happy with that. shame on them. i pity them for possessing that kind of attitude. too bad, three sad. for the second time in my life, i said to myself, "well, that's all for now folks, i'm gone, forever". in a month time. why? why? why are you doing this to me?

conveniently complacent

i had a long day today. didn't get enough sleep last night. watched real madrid versus racing santander, scheduled la liga game live from el sardinero, north coast of spain last night. woke up as early as five and rush to the airport. went to bintulu for my site hand over to my successor.

then in the afternoon, flew back to kuala lumpur. and had a nice long chat western dinner with a friend. but that's not what i'm trying to write here. lol. scrap all those irrelevant introduction if that's the convention. :)

during my traveling hours in the flight and train to the city, it got me to think. am i being convenient as in too nice that in the end people took advantage of my kindness, took me for granted? or was it just me being too naive, compromising with complacent people?

whatever it was, i was too, too conveniently complacent, that i let my guards down, my radar off, not being well aware of those circumstances, these consequences. well, some people, they think they feel or own some feelings, but the truth is, they aren't. they just think it that way. they like to feel good about themselves. they just like the idea of being that way, the idea of having people like me around. it is nice. so good that it drowns them in their own complacency.


the hard, difficult truth behind it on the other hand is, they just don't give a shit about me. full stop.

in the end, i am numb now, cold, and disbelief that we are all living in a nice world. we are all living in damn crazy world, swamp by infectious broken society. maybe. perhaps vampires do really exist. i don't know..

red is the new black

today, my mom just shocked me.

she called me this afternoon when i was still in miri, doing my technician's year end performance appraisal. she told me she wanted to have me bath with flowers tonight, just to cleanse the jinx in me if there's such thing in this world. what the heck? i never believe in those kind of things.

she said i must have gotten something supernatural superstitiously cursed with me keep finding myself in scarce of luck when it comes to find the right girl. she got to be kidding me! for me, god has everything to do in this kind of business. when the time comes, it will happen. if it is meant to be, it is meant to be, and going to be.

it is all just a matter of time. and patience is the key.

nowadays, everything is just turning upside down, inside out. they all working backwards. moms are getting worried over their getting older single sons. sigh! maybe red is just the new black and pink is the new purple.

acceptance is essential

do you agree with me if i say all a boy wants from his girl is acceptance? to accept him just the way he is. to trust him and to give the approval he needs in order for him to continue loving. i think that is just normal for a man. we mere mortals with testosterone require so called the encouragement to be able to open up and give the love that our partner need. you see, love or the acts of love are reciprocal. it 's never a one way street. we need stimulus. we all do.

why suddenly come and discuss about this? i myself have no idea. hehe. but i have been thinking. this recent weeks had been a lil bit quiet and it's kind of empty lately. it was good though, it gave me the space to allow myself to sit back and think. think about many things. i guess, there is where the acceptance thing came. lol.

i think we all have to agree on men and women are just different. we are. the way we think, how we cope with our emotional stresses, the way we communicate, how we process info and many other areas in life. to talk about problems and share with friends is an act of friendship or love for the girls. but we men, we don't just simply talk about our problems. we like to withdraw ourself from other things and focus on what's bothering us. sometimes we can be a bit too occupied with it and forget about our other responsibilities, namely giving attention to the loved ones. because, for guys, it's all about the male ego thing. solving a problem is what we do. as leaders, we need to take care of ourselves first before we can even take a good care of others. we thrive on solutions and the ability to solve problem and learn from it. it's like a race for us and it is all about competency. while for the girls, it's the other way around. they like to nurture each other.

that's why men are so into cool gadgets (they meant to solve problems or improve the efficiency on doing things), sports, fast cars, bikes etc. and when we find the solution for our problem and solved it, we go out from our cave and ready to love again. sometimes if we can't find the solution and get stuck, we like to divert our minds from it and do something else, like a sedative, to calm us down. for example reading newspaper or playing video games or even sleep helps a lot. but girls they just can't stop pestering. they need to let it out and torture us with their perspective. they don't get it when men don't want to talk about it and share with them. the more difficult the problem is, the more withdrawn men can be. we will ask your opinion if we want and only when we want to. girls always accused or misinterpret us for being insensitive and lack of love when we don't want to talk about what's bothering us. it's not that we don't want to, we just don't think it is necessary while we still can top it ourselves.

i understand that women find peace and relief through talking. girls, they need assurance. constantly and consistently. to know that they have people around them who care for them. that's why girls ask rhetorical questions over and over again. for us men, one time is just as good as enough. when we tell you that we care about you, means we do care about you. haha. men are simple. we don't dwell on small trivial things. instead we focus on the big chunk, the vital few. i think that's why we normally don't pay that much attention on dates, anniversaries or birthdays.

while girls need caring, boys need trust. oh, you have no idea how much trust means to us. the accepting attitude shows that you trust us. that's why we men normally not comfortable when a girl criticise us and trying too hard to change us. it's not that we don't appreciate your effort to change us as a gesture of love but all we need is you to trust and support us that we will grow and change by ourselves, gradually, eventually. we need girls to accept us just the way we are. i like my partner to have that kind of attitude. it hurts when a girl criticise us for being childish and trying to change our behavior. for us, those show that you don't trust us and you guys think there's something wrong with us. sometimes it is true that we lack on certain things, but it's the way you express or say it make it hard for us to digest. we tend to feel like you think we are broken and your gesture of changing us is an act of fixing us, a broken thing. i think that's why men normally resist change or go defensive on this.

sharing or talking about problems keep girls sane while playing games or sports keep us men sane. talking about past mistakes and previous relationships may be a big topic for you to talk or should i say "gossip" with your friends. but apparently, is a big turn off for guys. you see, when you keep asking about our past, errors, previous relationships - it somehow gives us the sign that you are not accepting us, the way we are, the whole bundle, the package. normally guys don't get comfortable with that while you think you are being caring and all, asking questions.

when you want us to listen to you when you are upset on certain things especially those things that have something to do with us like things we did or we haven't done yet (compared to your friends' boyfriends, hehe), it hurts when you express it in such ways especially when it sounded like you were blaming us. i know it is almost impossible for us to stop you guys from getting all emotional and no to talk about what is making you upset but sometimes there are things you should learn to keep it to yourself or try to calm down and be rational. then we can talk about what bothering you. men easily get angry or hurt during sustaining this very difficult task of listening. boys usually tend to go defensive when a girl nag about her problems and accuse him this and this for things which isn't even true at all or it was just the girl dealing with her dilemma or something like that :)

i understand feelings are essential for girls. true, they always want to express their feelings. whatever it is burning inside them. anger, frustration, sadness, worry etc. but coping with all you worrywarts is just not pleasant at all. it's difficult when you keep questioning about the same thing over and over again. i think it's kind of normal for a guy to be worn out from this, after sometime. deep inside in every guy there's a knight in shinning armor who is in loved with his princess. but if the princess keep telling him what to do, what he shouldn't do, what he should have done, nagging him the "other" way of doing things, over and over again - eventually the knight grows tired and forget to shine his armor and to sharpen his sword and stop caring. that's the metaphor how exhausting it can be for a boy, coping with his girl's emotional stress.

finally, encouragement is also significant for men. we all need our partner to keep supporting us in everything we do, every decision we make, everything we care for. admiration is also an encouraging attitude that men normally look for in a girl. for me, to admire means to trust and approve that i can do my very best and again to trust that i'm capable of taking care of my girl. it is just how things work for us.

my advice, try to look at the brighter side of us. see the good things. what we have done and sacrificed for you rather than what we have not done yet. try to comprehend that there's nobody perfect in this world and we all make mistakes. and furthermore, you guys are not so perfect after all. full of flaws. our differences or we being different from each other is a beautiful thing actually that created by God. He wants us to learn about and learn from each other and keep loving each other.

okay, now i'm tired of writing. i want to sleep and forget that i've ever wrote this. man, i'm so bored. sigh~

the collision and forgiving myself

maybe i did ever loved someone before, but it wasn't never like this sincere. that happy, happier than that. perhaps i did missed a soul before but i don't think it was this deep. i probably fell for a girl before, but it wasn't as same as to this stumble. it's like this is my downfall.

conceivably, maybe, she'll never believe in me, my feelings, how i feel for her, goodness me, the love i built for her, the heart i traded for hers. it was different, i don't how to put it convincingly, but i just feel it. it might appeared like just another love story, except it wasn't.

yes, i dropped them down, my armors of ego, my vambraces of narcissism, my shreds of complacency tassel or whatever denial iron mask painted with guilt from past mistakes i was wearing, whatever was left of me. i thought it was A okay to open up, to let myself to be vulnerable again, to finally let someone come in and lend me a hand in my change process, to allow another soul to understand me for who am i and to help me heal from my previous battle scars. by perchance, i thought she was the one. maybe she was the one. right person but wrong timing, by chance. it takes two for a destiny, a serendipity. in a short while she elevated herself in my long friends list. we became good friends.

she was one of the best friends that i ever had. but i let myself consumed by the feelings and lure myself to be deceived by the wishful thoughts. i was my own venom, my own cocaine. i lied to myself even though i knew it was inappropriate for me to play my cards in this. and i put her in a difficult position, a rough seat for a ride, a space full of confusions, an obscure state of mind too painful for the heart to bear, for me to endure. i hurt her. and i put it hard on myself. too hard. and it made me become more susceptible to get hurt.

i was rather sensitive, thin-skinned to her words and thoughts. she's hurt and i let myself crashed whenever the times she tried to seek comfort from me instead of medicate her. i was so weak to hold firm my stance and just be there for her. of all people, i should have help her to get through it. not to deteriorate her more. oh, i must had broken her heart badly.

now, i lost it. she doesn't want to be friends with me anymore. i can't afford to even think that i lost my best friend and a fan too. someone who finally sees the good side of me, someone who perceived me naturally and honestly which is rarely happens to me. someone who appreciates me plainly just the way i am, someone who admires the sheer talents that were awarded to me, someone who really believed in me that i could change for the better, someone who finally be able defuse me from my anger, soothed me from my sore. she placated me through my change scheme.

but life must go on. my family and my work commitments need me. i can't stay etched, drowned and bruised. i need to forgive her and the only way for me to ever be able to do that is by forgiving myself for what i've done. i need to let it go. let it go, let it slide. i need to admit and face the truth that i made mistakes. i must confound my fear. i used to have her helping me conquering our fears but this i have to make it alone. then only, i can ever accept her apologies.i had the best 60 days of her approximately. she used to sing for me beautifully.

i'm not angry of her, i am just, tired, dissolved and helpless don't know what to do, what to say, how to react. dear God, what did i do? to deserve myself this kind of pain and twinges in the heart? will i miss her, will i be missing her? i think i am. the collision of her kindness that make it so hard, so hurt.

why can't people just don't talk bad about other people?

what drives you to write?things come when you expect them the least.i chatted with a female management representative in the organization through facebook in the very odd 5 o'clock in the morning.who has ever thought of that?i got the knocked on my head.such early in the morning.

we started with my recent umrah and ziarah to the two holy lands.then arisen these sort of stories of people talking behind my back, untrue or partially true or other words of it, exxegerrated stories.shame and sad to know that we still have these kind of jokers in the organization.don't they have any better management thing to do that talk about other people?worse, they even discussed about this in my appraisal session.how subjective they were.am i that bad that i don't deserve any credit for what i've done and sacrificed for the company, to even been punished with such accusations?shocking, really shocking such stories they brought.

one word, unfair.totally unfair.Alhamdullilah, i'm back from my umrah and ziarah last week.it was a superb fascinating experience.a priceless one.and surely i learned my things over there.and i was so sad to leave Mecca Al-Mukarramah and to end my soul connecting session with Him.surely, if He grant my prayer, more rezeki from Him, i definitely will visit Him and His Rasul again.


when you are to be seated in front of the Baitullah, you will feel it.like you are so close to Him. during that particular time, you really don't give a damn about merits or appraisal rating 2,bla bla bla.all you care about is your sins and your deeds.that was what i felt, at least.

one more thing i learned there, forgive and forget in grace.we should forgive people for whatever zalim stuff they've done to you.if He, the merciful can repent and cleanse people from their sins, no matter how bad they've sink in the bloody swamp of sins, why can't you follow His steps of mercy, grace and honesty?

well, that is exactly what i'm trying to do. forget about all those people.move on.forgive them and always have good thoughts on people.never skeptical, never talk bad about them.insyaAllah~ more pictures in my flickr photo page. www.flickr.com/photos/kukubal