count your blessings

some people are just ungrateful. they just can not stop complaining. and being angry and dissatisfied.

sometimes we have to sit back and check that it is not a perfect world. it is wonderful, but not ideal, far from perfection. and we can't have everything we want. but being content is noble and being contentious is evil. for me, being grateful of what we have is just plain vigour, mentally. so noble that it elevates you above others.

I've learned that all my life, i will never get everything that i wished for. lesson learnt. and I've been taught to be thankful and beholden, yet appreciative towards others. live by that code, that principle. hence, it is just too hard for me if it is not reciprocated.

but then again, life is like that. the world is not an ideal kind world. never thought being content of this feelings can occur to me. not this early. but the timing can never be this right. patience required and maturity cemented. I'm still well aware of all the blessings, the privilege I've lived on with. and still counting them in and counting on them.

my vision of love

my daughter insyirah is almost a week's old today. so many things happened for the past one week and i learned a lot of things too. from the contraction, pre labour, during labour itself, post labour, the breast feeding, post feed burping, woke up multiple times at nights, cleaning and changing the diapers, the registration, visitors, and jaundice.

yes, i was in the labour room and i witnessed it all. the pain, the sacrifices, the love of a mother giving birth. i couldn't help myself not to weep. it was so painful, that i didn't pass out even though there were blood everywhere. i was so focused on my wife. calming her down. cracked a joke, but it didn't work out. the doctor even used a scissor to cut it a bit to ease the delivery. my god :(

and i could see her hairs and there she was, the labour room was filled by her cry. her first tears. and what a relief. i went for wudhuk and athan her immediately. and only Him knows how i felt that time. i cried. she stopped crying and looked at me when i athan and exhaled syahdah at the ears. and i could see the vision of love. so pure. so clear. she even tilted her head so that her right ear is closer to my voice. smart girl :)

she's such a beautiful baby. everybody loves insyirah. my parents, my parents in law, sisters in law, my sister, everybody. i was crying and smiling at the same time. so soft that i couldn't hide my feelings. mixed feelings. wonderful feelings. it's like my testosterone plummeted :P

after 5 days, her bilirubin level increased to 16.5 and she had to be admitted so that they could put her under UV phototheraphy. i couldn't sleep. worried. but alhamdulillah, after one night the bilirubin level decreased to 12.3 and discharged today. again, another relief of hearts. having and raising a baby is like riding a roller-coaster, taking me to the extremes. one day you are all smiling while changing diapers, and you can be scratching your head worrying why she wouldn't want to feed.

anyway, in conjunction of kris allen new single, i dedicate this song especially to my girls, my wife and daughter, my vision of love and to my family who helped us a lot for the past one week. what a week it has been. i really like the song. until then, i'm excusing myself to continue my journey deeper into this parenthood world :)

insyirah : labour on labour day's eve

i'm stranded in the bus terminal. sitting alone on one of the benches, waiting for my bus scheduled for another 3 hours. bought the ticket on my second attempt after i was disappointed by the fact there was no ticket for tonight. so much of my gambling for impromptu tickets. maybe because it's going to be a long weekend since the labour day is just around the corner. decided not to go back home, because that would be such a wasted back and forth journey.

lucky there was a girl wanted to sell her newly bought ticket. it's going to be too late, according to her. she was having the second thoughts perhaps. but it was fate and determination that made our path crossed. i was desperate for the ticket that i was thinking to drive myself back, worse comes to worst. and there was she wanted to reimburse her second thoughts' damage. i need to go back. because my wife is feeling the contraction already. the opening is already three centimetres long. i do not know what does it mean, but i'm guessing that's a red alarm. alarming that the baby is soon to be born, any hours, maybe tonight, perhaps the next day. labour day on labour day, huh?

i'm going to be a daddy soon. there's something special about the baby. after several times of scan, we yet to know the gender. because everytime scanned, the baby always found "its" way to hide. too shy to let us know and too smart to keep us in ponder. so everybody is assuming it's going to be a girl. the doctors said so, my parents in law, everybody. but i remain true to my intuitions and feelings that it's going to the other gender. i don't know how i know and how to explain but i have a strong feeling that it will a boy. don't know why but my daddy sense tells i'm going to hold my first son in my arms soon.

but whatever the gender it will be, my wife and i are grateful of His precious gift. as long as he or she is healthy, a boy or a girl will do adequately. and i can tell you what a wonderful feelings that i had for the past few months. watching my wife sleep, struggling with the big tummy. all excited and eager to see the child, to hear her or his first cry into this world. what a feeling!

i've decided to name her (using her based on the doctors' medical opinion) "insyirah". even if it's a boy, i will still name him the same. i think it's going to be a good name. it means, there will be a bliss after every misery. solace after struggle. taken from the surah al-insyirah, deriving about the prophet and his trouble thoughts after all the sufferings he endured. and He promised the prophet in the surah that he would victor at the end of his jihad and fights, but it demanded patience and high endurance to see it all through.

i chose the name because it reminds me so much of all that i've been through. after all these years. the heartbreaks, the hardship, my patience, the journey in my life, the love, the tears, the ups and the downs, everything. and i do hope that my child will carry the name and life it through with grace and remain patience until the end of his or her life. i really treasure patience, it's a trait that i've been trying to inculcate within myself, my family and a quality that i seek for or into a person. my sister told me that i'm a guy who can control himself well and be patient even in a stormy situation. composure might not be my best repertoire but i know patience is one of my limited fortes.

i know it might sounds a little bit girly, but actually it's a unisex name. can be used on both gender. now let's pray that my beloved wife will have a safe labour, fighting with her life to deliver me an infant into this world. i don't think i can call it a living without her. the way she treats me, i can never marry anyone else. hope that everything will go smoothly and good things will come and fall into their places. it is really a blessing from Him, to have this opportunity, this parenthood thingy, these feelings, the every details, the everything. fingers crossed!

Hands Down

I went to Dashboard Confessional's acoustic performance live here in Kuala Lumpur last night. I have always been a huge fan of the band and there's only one word I could possibly utter, awesome!

Instead of coming as the original 4 piece set up band, they decided to sent their lead vocal only Chris Carrabba. I heard that he's on solo now as the whole band is in their hiatus after they launched their latest album Alter the Ending two or three years ago.

But it didn't affect him to deliver his best performance even without his band mates. Not at all. I still remember how me and Jojo used to play their songs back in our glorious jamming days about 8 years ago. We love them, their songs, the riffs, the emo lyrics, we wanted to be them. Hahaha. We used to name Chris's band mate as "Afro Guitarist" for John the lead guitar and you'll know why if you look at his hair, "Overexcited Drum" for Mike the drummer as he's always look in his raging mode in most of their videos and "Shy Base" for Scott the basis as he always stepped back from the light hiding from being spotted in their live videos :P

All in all Chris performed well last night. He rocked it! Man, you should have been there if you are a Dashboard fan. He's really a true emo icon. Super cool! I really enjoyed the show. Me and Jojo were singing along all the way.

He started with The Good Fight, and we were blown away straight away. He did As Lovers Go, Saint and Sailor, Again I Go Unnoticed, Don't Wait, Screaming Infidelities, Dusk and Summer, the famous Vindicated, Stolen for the girls to be swept off and sent them off crazy (hahaha), The Places You Have Come To Fear The Most, the latest Belle of Boulevard, some other songs from they different albums and he closed it with my all time favourite, Hands Down. Those songs remind me of those days when I used to be so expressive in my feelings towards people that I care. Like what Chris said, it was the best days he ever had. :)

And hands down, Chris is such a deep and talented singer song writer in alternative punk and emo rock music fraternity. Probably the best ever is. He's such an inspirational for most teenagers who listened to emo music back in early 2000s, and an influence to many famous bands too. And so do I and Jojo. We formed a band, wanting and longing to be like Dashboard, lol! :P Those were the days. I hope he will come again to Malaysia in his band form. Am sure they will rock it to the ground :)

P/s : I remember I did dedicate this song's lyrics to a girl, because I really like the song and the girl but she snubbed me in cold blood! Maybe she didn't know Hands Down and Dashboard Confessional. She's forgiven anyway :)

A Thousand Years

I really like the song by Christina Perri from the recent production in twilight saga franchise, breaking dawn. It's so deep and suits well with the movie. But not for Edward Cullen :P I didn't know it was her song at first and somehow I hate her earlier single Jar of Hearts. I just don't like it.

Anyway, so I thought why not try and learn the guitar chords as well. I've posted this in my facebook page to share the chords with others. Go easy on my english and the voice. I know.. :P

five minutes heaven

what is it really to be in control? some says you have to give up control in order to gain control? it's a very delicate thing this control thing. it has a broad definition, vast perspectives but that's not i want to talk about today.

i think i did write something about self control or self mastery about two years ago when i was in the self transition towards a better chap, towards the public victory. and today i want to continue write about it. self control.

i often look it in the anger management perspective. you know, to hold your tongue from expressing the unnecessary things, things that you might regret saying them, which of course you can't take them back. and that makes it even worse.

being angry or having an argument is perfectly normal for a human being. we all have feelings, and since we are so inevitably complicatedly built, we tend to argue. but it is crucial to know the border line, when to stop, to call it off. to take a step back, and think, do we really need to win this? or is it really worth of a fight? and even, why on earth we argue in the first place?

self mastery is so deep that it can't be measured. only one knows the extend of his self control. but i like to relate it with maturity, kind of directly. if we can control ourselves against the retaliation hence self humiliation in future endeavours, we are in the right direction towards the higher level of maturity.

here i want to share how to control yourself against the constant evil mind chatter that can lead you to do or say something stupid. simple, breathe. deep breathing. take a deep breath, while counting backwards from ten to one in your conscious mind. to make it even better, imagine the shapes of the number you're counting. the more you are drawn into it, the more you are tapped in to your subconscious mind. make sure you breathe via your nose not your mouth. we all born with the endowment of breathing through our nose and directly filling up our lugs. we only breathe through the mouth for massive air intake (if that's a proper way to address it) when we are panic, suffocating or sleepy but that's yawning. and then, once your tummy or your diaphragm to be precise is inflated fully, hold it for one second and then release the air via our nose with the count from one to ten.

with extra oxygen being rushed into our systems, there's plenty of benefits that we gain automatically. one, our muscles, joints and flexes are more relaxed. two, our mind is suddenly freed up from negative thoughts, those tiny sinister whispers or evil drives encouraging us to react aggressively, especially when we are in the middle of an argument. three, it will take us somewhere in our mind, somewhere isolated. it's like you are somewhere else, your mind is withdrawn from the rough discussion. your body might still be there, but your mind is completely focussing on something else. what is more fascinating is, that something is nothing. your mind is totally empty. you regain your balance, and focus. i know, as funny as it sounds, but it is a great technique for you to tap in to your subconscious.

this is very effective if you want to clear your mind after a rough and tough day at work, the traffic congestions or what not, and let your subconscious mind take you to your five minutes day dreaming. it's so refreshing and breathtaking, hence the process :p and you can recharge your brain to continue whatever you are planning to do onwards. it helps you to develop patience, and self control.

i hope it helps. because, it does help me in my golf game and my other daily routine. i was so drawn into my subconscious mind, that i didn't think about anything during my swing, or driving. i just "do" it. it's like brushing your teeth. you woke up in the morning, you never think about how many muscles involved to pick up the brush, how much pressure you put onto the paste so that the right amount of paste coming out and placed onto the brush, how much pressure to put onto your gums and teeth and list goes on. it just happened and it happens everyday without fail.

so, use it repetitively and you'll be good at it. you can use it to control your temper or just to access your five minutes ride into your mind heaven :)

phases of life

we can not run from ups and downs. everybody has their own sets of problem. life is hard. nobody said it's going to be easy anyway. it wouldn't be a life if it's too easy. it would be dull and monotone. those ups and downs are like colour swatches of life.

i believe whatever happens, happened for a reason. it's not going to be the end of the world right? these are hard times. phases of life. some people face these kind of problems or should i say difficulties probably later in their life. but i'm just being me, lucky enough to be able to experience this earlier in my life phases.

but whatever happens, i have to be patience, remain steadfast of whatever may comes. stand up and head remain high. there are times when i felt that i am all alone in this. surrounded and suffocated. tangled by strings of difficulties. bills to pay, commitments, baby soon to be born, my house for my family for a shelter, bla bla bla.

life. funny when it comes to think of it. at one point you were everything, and then some point of your life later, you are close to nothing. from hero to zero. i remember i used to write posts how grateful i was, blessings, i had everything i could have asked for. the love, happiness, stability, maturity, friends, support, respect, even golf. you name it all. i had those.

now it seems like i'm all on my knees, helpless. some friends become strangers now. your idea seems to come out wrong in every angle. perhaps it's just me feeling all down. mellowed and withered. but i have to go through these. i know i have to. i know i will. because i want to. suddenly all the positivity kicks in :)

now let us pray and cry for His help and guidance. there's no greater help and mercy than Him. i know somehow i'm destined for a greater thing. it's just that i have to endure the current situations and status quo. life. colourful. full of surprises. saturated with sacrifices hence love. if it's not like this, i wouldn't call it a living, and i wouldn't live at all.