Effortless In Forgiveness

I just don't understand why people still wants to justify when they are saying sorry.

We don't justify why we are sorry. Guilt is never to be reasoned. Forgiveness is a product of common civic value, a by product of humility. Apologies are never to be followed by proud excuses.

We are humans, we are bound to make mistakes. Error prone. When we do make mistakes, we feel sorry about them, and the guilt creeps in. And we seek for forgiveness. That is part of humanity and that is all about being a mortal. We have feelings.

We don't say "I'm so sorry for what I've done, but really, I want you to know that I did it because of I don't respect you bla bla bla.."...

Seriously, that was horrible. I doubt the sincerity of the plead for forgiveness.

And when people tries to do that, that derivation of why they are sorry, they tend to talk a lot. Tonnes of unnecessary things. Too much of a thing really will not help to ease up things.

Too much info doesn't mend, it is deteriorating instead. Bores the patch, pokes the wound.

We say sorry. Full stop. That's it. That is how it should be. And somehow it reflects true honesty.

And for that, sorry is always seems to be the hardest word. Because it is not easy. Only the strong can say sorry. Sincerely.

But it is never meant to be so expensive, let alone being cheap. Forgiveness is just priceless. And for me, it should be effortless.

sick

today i just learned hard truths. sour and bitter to swallow. number one, i am emotionally sicked and i need help. that's it. when you are mentally ill your physical also very much affected. i lost my fire, my positive energy. it feels like i am all soaked in a acidic swamp. i don't really feel good. laid down. couldn't eat. number two, she's getting married. well, everybody is leaving. and when i looked around, i am all alone. too bad. another pain. and this is beyond comprehension. sigh~

for you to notice

i'm starting to fashion an idea in my head where i would impress you with every single word i said. would come out insightful or brave or smooth or charming. and you'd want to call me. and i would be there every time you'd need me as i'd be there every time. but for now i'll look so longingly waiting. for you to want me, for you to need me. for you to notice me.

but life just won't go according to our plan. we plan, we make the effort and we pray but He decides.

i'm not mad at you. nor i'd be hurt of the fact that you don't want me as i want you to be. but the attitude and mentality that you portrayed just too inadequate for me. i just couldn't believe that you exhaled it. that you'd be the first to leave to avoid unnecessary conflict. that you are too fun not to ruin your day with what's bothering me. man, that surely hurts. and what would make me then? perhaps just a conflict, a burden to you. i still hope you didn't make those such statements sandwiched with pure intention.

i don't know about you, but i personally think i do deserved some empathy at least, from someone who regards herself as my friend. when i need a friend. and the fact that you are too proud not to call me until now speaks for itself. shame.

well, there's nothing i can do to change that. believe me i tried. to inculcate. it's just that i think it would be best for me to be the first one to avoid any forms of unnecessary selfishness :(

fallen

it's like i've been pulled downwards. it's so easy like the gravity. reasonless. need no explanation yet so demanding. ah, let's not go that far, i'd say. it ain't deep. it's just another lame version of an avalanche.

lalalala.

acceptance is essential

do you agree with me if i say all a boy wants from his girl is acceptance? to accept him just the way he is. to trust him and to give the approval he needs in order for him to continue loving. i think that is just normal for a man. we mere mortals with testosterone require so called the encouragement to be able to open up and give the love that our partner need. you see, love or the acts of love are reciprocal. it 's never a one way street. we need stimulus. we all do.

why suddenly come and discuss about this? i myself have no idea. hehe. but i have been thinking. this recent weeks had been a lil bit quiet and it's kind of empty lately. it was good though, it gave me the space to allow myself to sit back and think. think about many things. i guess, there is where the acceptance thing came. lol.

i think we all have to agree on men and women are just different. we are. the way we think, how we cope with our emotional stresses, the way we communicate, how we process info and many other areas in life. to talk about problems and share with friends is an act of friendship or love for the girls. but we men, we don't just simply talk about our problems. we like to withdraw ourself from other things and focus on what's bothering us. sometimes we can be a bit too occupied with it and forget about our other responsibilities, namely giving attention to the loved ones. because, for guys, it's all about the male ego thing. solving a problem is what we do. as leaders, we need to take care of ourselves first before we can even take a good care of others. we thrive on solutions and the ability to solve problem and learn from it. it's like a race for us and it is all about competency. while for the girls, it's the other way around. they like to nurture each other.

that's why men are so into cool gadgets (they meant to solve problems or improve the efficiency on doing things), sports, fast cars, bikes etc. and when we find the solution for our problem and solved it, we go out from our cave and ready to love again. sometimes if we can't find the solution and get stuck, we like to divert our minds from it and do something else, like a sedative, to calm us down. for example reading newspaper or playing video games or even sleep helps a lot. but girls they just can't stop pestering. they need to let it out and torture us with their perspective. they don't get it when men don't want to talk about it and share with them. the more difficult the problem is, the more withdrawn men can be. we will ask your opinion if we want and only when we want to. girls always accused or misinterpret us for being insensitive and lack of love when we don't want to talk about what's bothering us. it's not that we don't want to, we just don't think it is necessary while we still can top it ourselves.

i understand that women find peace and relief through talking. girls, they need assurance. constantly and consistently. to know that they have people around them who care for them. that's why girls ask rhetorical questions over and over again. for us men, one time is just as good as enough. when we tell you that we care about you, means we do care about you. haha. men are simple. we don't dwell on small trivial things. instead we focus on the big chunk, the vital few. i think that's why we normally don't pay that much attention on dates, anniversaries or birthdays.

while girls need caring, boys need trust. oh, you have no idea how much trust means to us. the accepting attitude shows that you trust us. that's why we men normally not comfortable when a girl criticise us and trying too hard to change us. it's not that we don't appreciate your effort to change us as a gesture of love but all we need is you to trust and support us that we will grow and change by ourselves, gradually, eventually. we need girls to accept us just the way we are. i like my partner to have that kind of attitude. it hurts when a girl criticise us for being childish and trying to change our behavior. for us, those show that you don't trust us and you guys think there's something wrong with us. sometimes it is true that we lack on certain things, but it's the way you express or say it make it hard for us to digest. we tend to feel like you think we are broken and your gesture of changing us is an act of fixing us, a broken thing. i think that's why men normally resist change or go defensive on this.

sharing or talking about problems keep girls sane while playing games or sports keep us men sane. talking about past mistakes and previous relationships may be a big topic for you to talk or should i say "gossip" with your friends. but apparently, is a big turn off for guys. you see, when you keep asking about our past, errors, previous relationships - it somehow gives us the sign that you are not accepting us, the way we are, the whole bundle, the package. normally guys don't get comfortable with that while you think you are being caring and all, asking questions.

when you want us to listen to you when you are upset on certain things especially those things that have something to do with us like things we did or we haven't done yet (compared to your friends' boyfriends, hehe), it hurts when you express it in such ways especially when it sounded like you were blaming us. i know it is almost impossible for us to stop you guys from getting all emotional and no to talk about what is making you upset but sometimes there are things you should learn to keep it to yourself or try to calm down and be rational. then we can talk about what bothering you. men easily get angry or hurt during sustaining this very difficult task of listening. boys usually tend to go defensive when a girl nag about her problems and accuse him this and this for things which isn't even true at all or it was just the girl dealing with her dilemma or something like that :)

i understand feelings are essential for girls. true, they always want to express their feelings. whatever it is burning inside them. anger, frustration, sadness, worry etc. but coping with all you worrywarts is just not pleasant at all. it's difficult when you keep questioning about the same thing over and over again. i think it's kind of normal for a guy to be worn out from this, after sometime. deep inside in every guy there's a knight in shinning armor who is in loved with his princess. but if the princess keep telling him what to do, what he shouldn't do, what he should have done, nagging him the "other" way of doing things, over and over again - eventually the knight grows tired and forget to shine his armor and to sharpen his sword and stop caring. that's the metaphor how exhausting it can be for a boy, coping with his girl's emotional stress.

finally, encouragement is also significant for men. we all need our partner to keep supporting us in everything we do, every decision we make, everything we care for. admiration is also an encouraging attitude that men normally look for in a girl. for me, to admire means to trust and approve that i can do my very best and again to trust that i'm capable of taking care of my girl. it is just how things work for us.

my advice, try to look at the brighter side of us. see the good things. what we have done and sacrificed for you rather than what we have not done yet. try to comprehend that there's nobody perfect in this world and we all make mistakes. and furthermore, you guys are not so perfect after all. full of flaws. our differences or we being different from each other is a beautiful thing actually that created by God. He wants us to learn about and learn from each other and keep loving each other.

okay, now i'm tired of writing. i want to sleep and forget that i've ever wrote this. man, i'm so bored. sigh~

change and resistance to change

fellow readers. greetings...earthlings and eorlingas (the name of the tribe for rohan, land of the horse lords in LOTR). crap, i know. abaikan..

today i want to talk about change. yes, people change and we all do change. we do it all the time, and it's part of the process. life without change just wouldn't be a living and won't make a life. i've been contemplating recently. about, of course, change. you know, those kinda questions mingling and commingle with silly thoughts and again yes, ignited by past vast experiences.

what do we need in order to change? okay, lets go back to the very basic, why do we change in the first place? is it because we have to? or is it only because we are forced to; as we go along the way and all the sudden, things are not working out anymore and we feel like now it is time to change? major breakthrough, paradigm shift, you name it, whatever, it's all come back to the roots of being transformed into something new, converting, executing, implementing, rehearsing, performing, NEW things. surprisingly this very one noun and/or verb can be coupled with so many other verbs. as much as it can be for the better and goods, or vice versa, surprisingly, who knows. only we know. you and i both knew it.

and then, speaking of change, does it tag along intact with TIME? i am pretty sure that all of us have gone through series of change chain. yeah, quite a tongue twister. hmm, i would go for yes. lets face it, when we were young we saw things differently. as we grow older, the wiser we turn up to be. and of course, we see things differently. i used to love big sized billabong and no fear t-shirts. what about now (chris daughtry's what about now?) ? M or L t-shirts and baggy jeans are big no nos nowdays. hehe..

but then, that is all the change occurring within ourselves. what about changing other people? hehey, not too fast buddy. it would be best called as "influence", don't you think? recently something happened, and it was not the very first time things like that happen to me. yeah, it sucks just to think how bad it could be if you know how stupid you are not to learn from your past mistakes and pitfalls.

now, lets talk about my problem. one of my problems in a long list is that i always come to think that i can change someone. i think i have the credibility in influencing people around me, building relationships and enhancing personalities. now i know, i am so damn fucking wrong. there's no way you can change or instill values in somebody else personality. shit crap if you think you can. people will only change if they want them to. if they feel like doing so. people change stimulated by their environment, surroundings and daily occurrences. but not by other people. not directly, literally indirectly, maybe.

i guess it's in our nature as a human to have that kind of emotional attachment for someone you care that u feel like you are obliged, as you ought to save them from so called disaster. like you are some kind of messiah shit sent to be her/his savior. and trust me, it is hard to change. that is why people resist to change. always..forever.

have any idea why? in my personal cases and point of view, it's very much caused by the inner thoughts of fear. the greatest fear of all, and it would be the fear of losing. believe me, THAT is one of the common generic fear we have in this corrupted world.

this is only change that i am writing. and it haven't been extended to "exchange" or "interchange". i can't imagine how bad the scrolling part could be if i do so. hehe..maybe not here, another post perhaps.

till then, here is something to ponder, i'd say, "fuck it, it's not your job, not your duty to change them. just let them be. it's not worth for the energy to even consider! it's already too late..."