It Is What It Is

After all these years, after all the dates and the girls (not that I'm proud or bragging of) I've met or communicated with, I still found myself in no man’s land about how they think or what really attracts them. Still clueless, about the DOs and the DON’Ts, how to react smartly or manly if things go sideways, and the list goes on and on.

As you probably know by now, I’m single and back in the dating game. I used to keep doing the wrong things, saying the wrong things, to say them inappropriately or ill-timely kind of things. Or acting needy, insecure, totally no self-control, blurting everything on the table, or being too nice like a therapist, or an emotional tampon to the girls, or projecting too much affection, over pursuing, talking my way towards liking her. Becoming the “mangina” or the male girlfriends. Weak, rushing and boyish.

You see, all these beta male behaviours really didn’t get me anywhere with girls.

Well, they said repetition is the mother of all skills. Rinse, cycle, and repeat. Doing something over and over again until we really be good at it, and get good things out of it. And they also said, you need to get to the noses in order to get to the asses. LOL. I just made that up. The truth is, we need to get the NOs before we get the YESes.

So, am I saying that I finally get it by now? Well, not entirely. But slowly bit by bit I’m getting on it. It is much better now. That's for sure. 

And somehow, my daughter Insyirah and having her in my life really helps. It “accelerates” the learning process and absorption speed to the next level.

Oh wait, how is this have anything to do with courtship? Why the 4 years old girl got anything to do with THE game? Well, allow me to cuddle you with the elaboration, like I always do. Like the way I always do best :-P

Believe me dear reader(s), buckle up as this might take a while. Somos listos? Vamos!

Having a daughter and raising her teach me about the dynamic relationship between a girl and her father, or whoever the father figure during her growing up years. It doesn’t necessarily need to be a biological father. But in my case, I’m the biological father and ALSO the only parent she has most of the times. Her mother is living 300 plus kilometers away, and our daughter spends bulk of her growing days and hours with me and my parents. I can see that I’m her hero, the mountain, the sun, that unmovable roots and for her I am the alpha male, the centred male figure, someone she can look up to, someone she adores most, her core, her everything. It’s natural, in a sense, it’s effortless, and I didn’t have to crack my head to be those and she doesn’t have to think or to learn those. It is what it is. Es destino que no nos puede separar. It is destined like that, and things are flowing and she will continue to grow under my guidance, and nurturing (since I have to take up her mother’s role to be the motherly figure) while I will continue to grow old learning new things everyday bout parenting, just by having her around in my life, which the best thing that can happen to any dad.

Insyirah is a very smart girl, an independent sassy and mature girl way ahead of her age. She knows bout her parents, she knows bout what’s going on, and she did well to understand the situation, and she adapts well, juggling her schedules between me and going back to visit her mother and brother. She knows where she is standing, she knows what her roles are as a daughter, and I can see that she just knows what to say and what to do in those complicated moments. And my god, we are talking about a 4 and a half year old kid, mind you.

Every day she knows what to do, her routine, she knows how to keep herself occupied, being the only child in the house. She likes to color, and to draw. She acts like she doesn’t really need me to be around twenty four seven, but when I got back from work, she will greet me at the door and runs towards me, asking for the self-validation, the love, the assurance, the manly presence. We usually continue chit chat about what she learned on that particular day at school, what did she had for lunch, did she had an ice cream after school, whether Johan (a boy at school, and yes, I know! They are supposed to be in a kindergarten and remain four years old!) teased her at school, or did Arissa (probably one of her best friends at school since she keeps mentioning her) gave her the new Frozen stickers again and so forth. I just keep asking the questions, and let her babbling about the details and those too much info or TMI stories over and over. I literally did nothing. I keep asking questions from what she answered. And repeat. Rinse, cycle, and repeat, remember? When she had all she wanted to say heard, or she feels heard, she will stop and jump down and run away.

Same goes when she plays with her second cousins, Danish and Qaisara. She usually will be the one being teased and she bursts into tears every time this happens. Guess what? When it happens, she will run towards me, and ask me all those questions, the typical why and why those two kids said such things and bla bla bla. When I comforted her and she feels better, she will jump down from my arms, and run back to the siblings and continue playing. She will say, “Okay, I want to continue playing with Abam Nish and Kak Omei” or continue to finish her colouring or continue whatever she was doing before. She will hop off from my lap and run away and resume her things. 

Sometimes, I even had to beg her to give a kiss. Imagine that, I am her father, her core, her mountain, what not, and yet I had to ask for a little act of love from my own 4 year old girl?? Sometimes, she does it, sometimes she just shrugs me off and ignores me. I was like, seriously?? But I never take it personally. That really hit me hard. Every time. Without fail. But somehow, it teaches me something, every time.

And WOW! And there and then, that was when the magic moment kicks in. And now, I know. Like really really understand this shit. Girls are like that! Nothing personal, but they are just born like that.

It is scientifically proven that the dynamic is the same when a girl gets into a romantic relationship with a boy. She will act and react towards him exactly how she grows up with her father. She tends to look for the same qualities. She tends to dislike or at least be able to see the things that are lacking in that boy’s core, his values, and etc. And it is not her fault if she expects or having a set of expectations of how the boy to treat her. Because she is so accustomed to this. She is used to this. Same goes to my daughter. Any girl for that matter. Insyirah will come to me at her will. Whenever she feels like, wherever she wants to. At her own PACE, SPACE and TIME. She doesn’t need me to say the magic three little words or the famous four letter word all the time. She will ask for it whenever she wants it, when she feels like the need to hear it from me. Other than that, she will continue to be her space, doing things she likes. Without me or me pestering her. I love it when I pretend to be a nosy little boy, tickling her, distracting her, just trying to get into her way especially when she is watching her cartoons in YouTube. She hates me when I do that. And I’ll usually stop when she about to cry or when my mom yells at me to stop! LOL.

Now, you see, a girl doesn’t want us boys to say nice things to her all the time. Let alone saying that we like them, right away in the first date. They know it. It is like a common sense to them. But not to us. They do not need us to say that we like them to know it. They are trained to read the signs, our body languages, both our verbal and non-verbal signs, the glow in our eyes, the tone when we talk on the phone, how we text, the frequency of our text, the speed of our reply, simply EVERYTHING. The fact that we ask them out, they know straight away that we are into them.

Girls or women, go on dates to see what it is about the guy, what is he made of. Not to be in a relationship straight away. Guys go on dates to lock the girl into labels and commitment. It takes more than that to get them in love, to have them emotionally engaged. We got to balance it all. Between too much and not enough.

This is actually unavoidable since men are meant to break barriers, achieving goals in life, to provide, etc. It comes together with the ego as a package. Oh well. Hehe. Meanwhile women are meant to receive, to bond, to nurture, to love and to trust. I'm not being sexist here but just stating my observations and what I've learned over the years. 

They said, women are like cats and men are like dogs. Dogs are loyal, they like it when people show affection to them, and they run after the bone people throw for them to chase. They go nuts when people pet them, or have them pampered. They show it straight away that they like it and love their master who smothered them with affections. And dogs are loyal to their masters. But women on the other hand, are like cats, a curious creature. How many times when we chase a cat and they stop and let us hold them like dogs? Yeah, exactly, ZERO! Si, nunca!

They usually walk in circle, lurking, stalking, analysing, and don’t be surprised if you see a cat comes and rubs her fur at someone’s feet and that person is the one in the whole room who paid least attention to it. Basically a girl, needs to feel safe, and sure that they guy is good enough for her in order to help her to grow more, and be better. She doesn’t need another younger brother, for her to babysit. She doesn’t have time to wait for the guy to grow into the man she hopes him to be. She definitely doesn’t want to teach him about life or how to be a man.

Yes, she wants another sun, to shine and to light her paths. The same mountain like how her dad treats her. The man, who is centred at his core and values, that man who she can always feel safe and assure of herself. She needs a substitute to her dad. A similiar father-esque figure, whom she can rely upon, but in a romantic manner. She looks for another alpha male. Not a boy.

How many times we hear that girls talk about that confidence in men is the sexiest thing that attracts them most above other things? Not money, and definitely not looks. But men, on the other hand are visual creatures. Well, I hate to admit this but it is true. When a guy sees a girl, he knows already whether he likes her or not. If he likes her, he will let the clouds smother him, only to find him day dreaming, wondering on how great the sex will be, how many kids he will have with her, how great the wedding ceremony will be, how adventurous the life growing old will be, simply everything. LOL! For some reason, blame the movies, the chick flicks that we see day in day out for years. In the movie, a boy meets a girl, the boy likes the girl, pursues her, says the typical you-are-the-last-beautiful-girl-on-earth poetic kind of words right away and the girl smiles, he dines her, wines her, buys her flowers, they fall in love, and the boy does more and the girl can’t help herself to fall in love more and more, says to herself "oh well, MAYBE I do like this guy" and they got married and live happily ever after. Oh yes, plain daylight robbery kinda lie. In real life, this doesn’t happen all the time. Seldom there is a maybe case. Probably 90 percent of the times, not the case. Not by chance, not at all. Big bull shit billboard there. Lo siento!

In real life, the only way for a girl to fall for a boy is, the boy to be her mountain. He takes his time, slowly she feels comfortable and more comfortable with him until she knows that she feels safe to be around him. How she felt safe to be around her father. She doesn’t need the wine dine and flower yet. Not just yet. Those vain efforts are usually perceived as bribery for sex. And act of neediness. And over pursuing will definitely turns her off. She only wants him to get to know her. She wants to see whether he is compatible with her for her to open up. To be emotionally engaged. She wants to see what the boy is made of. His values. His aspiration about life. Is he having his shits in life all together? Can he provide? Can he remain composed and unmoved in hard times? If the boy continues to do everything right and timely right, she will continue to feel comfortable with him and feels that she wants more and more. Too much until she is all over him. She will starts to pursue and do all the pursuing. When all these assurance creep in little by little, then only she will brings out the exclusivity topic, the “now what are we” talks. And this probably takes months. Hence, only then, the dines, wines and flowers are permitted. Really, it is what it is. This is how attraction works. The law of attraction.

So for those guys out there reading this, do take your time and do not over pursue. RELAX. Take a thing, one step at a time. Just go out and have fun. This is also scientifically proven that couples who play and do fun physical activities together will naturally bond better. Laughs and jokes around. Nothing serious. Banter, tease and banter. No politics, religions, or ideologies. Save those for your best male buddies during teh tarik session after futsal. Just be yourself. Nothing fancy. Let it flow, naturally, like the streams down the waterfall. It works like a gravity. Over pursuing will only leads to rejection. She will back off, fearing for many things. Over pursuing or rushing things out only shows the lack of manhood in the guy, that he fears that she will not like him and dumps him. Well, what we fear most, will eventually gets the better of us. Careful there. What if things don't work out? Easy, lick up the wounds, and move on. Continue searching. Remember, it is nothing personal, it is just that she wasn't really into you. Do not be bitter or butt hurt bout it, be a man and continue be nice, and slowly walk away. It is just a numbers game. Purely statistic. Some girls like you, and probably, more do not. 

The objective in any relationship is, for us to give. Without having any expectation, or expecting anything in return. We all should be in any form of relationship with the “to offer” mentality, simply not in “what to get from this” kinda mentality. We all should be in a relationship to grow each other. Or in other words,  we should look for a relationship with someone who wants to share their completeness with us, not to complete each other. And do not get complacent, the courtship never ends! 10 months dating or 30 years marriage? It doesn't matter. The effort is still the same. It doesn't matter what you did good in the past. Always you got to be the gentleman for them to put on their make ups. It is as simple like that.

After all, love is all about giving. The unconditional love. I don’t expect my daughter to say she loves me back every time I say that to her. Or say thank you for all what I’ve done for her. I’m here to give. To give my all, and never expect anything in return. The respect, the love, the appreciation will all come naturally. And a partner who is equally matured and having the same principles will reciprocate accordingly. There's no need to be fearful about that. And hopefully, my daughter and her brother will adopt the same principle. Give from the heart, and know the value of love.

But do not mistaken this giving it all as a weakness. It is not a sign of inadequacy or insecurity. Not even a slight hint.

This is the true strength. A noble sign of self-loving, self-belief, pure sign of honesty, and a great sign of completeness. This is an abundance mentality, not scarcity mentality.

But before we give it all, we need to know how to filter. How to remain composed during the selection process, what to look for, what to avoid and when to stop caring, who, how much and when to invest emotionally etc. I didn’t learn all these overnight. It took me years to finally realize this. It took me countless of heartache, countless of dates, and even a marriage to learn all these. I've been there done that, bought a T-shirt, took a picture and wrote a blog bout it! Kahkahkah. But I live with no regret. I never regret myself marrying my ex wife. She taught me many things in this life. The marriage and the divorce definitely taught me to be a better man. It is just that it didn’t work out, and it was not meant to last longer than it is written to be. Again, it is what it is. Es lo que es. We need to go through the NOs first before we got to the YESes. Go for No because Yes is the inevitable destination, but it is the No is how we get there. Los NOs antes los SIs.

The key is to find someone is equally excited to get know you. Someone who is interesting enough to be interested to invest her time and emotions for you and to learn more about you. It is whether she is interested in you or not.

Oh yes, it is. It's either she likes you or not. Whether you are in or you’re out. She can't choose whether she wants to like you or not. This is not a classic MAYBE or PERHAPS tragedy like in the movies. It doesn’t work that way. Attraction is not an option, guys. Do take note of that. This is not a B rated chick flick movie. This is real life. And in real life experience, we all got to play our cards right, keep them close to our chests in order to keep ourselves in the game, or else, we are out of the game. It is either to out-wait or to be outwitted. Good luck! Buena suerte! Adios.

Keeping It Platonic

Platonic.

If appealing is the definition to give to the word just by the spelling and the pronunciation, it is indeed a good association. Isn't it catchy and intriguing? The word itself , is already non ideal, non parochial. It's melodic and can work as a "tonic" to make it as memorable as it gets.

Well, that works out very well isn't it? At least by it's definition. At least for me, it is.

What is it all bout being platonic? Some says that it is kinda relationship between a boy and girl, so weird that the vibes are all positives but there's no real string attached whatsoever. It's like, I-like-being-friends-and-talking-with-you-but-I-don't-want-you kinda relationship.

Keeping it platonic. As catchy and intriguing as it sounds, having or trying to maintain a platonic relationship is equally never an easy task. It is not a religiously straight forward concept to uphold. Well, conceptually it is already a mess.

Some says it's a eccentric kinda close relationship, close enough to say " I don't want you, FYI".

But then, all the mushy elements in that particular friendship do exist only to lack the sexual perspective of it. Can this be possible?  I sense this will devour me, subconsciously, without me realizing it.

However, as oxymoron as it sounds, as deeply confusing as it sounds, I am still intrigued to meet her. I do. Meeting this girl is the "primera objectivo" for me for the time being, this very much particular period of time.

I do want to meet this girl, personally. Period.

I want her to get to know me. Vice versa. I want to unlock, unfold this "travesura", I'm interested to learn more bout her. Very. I crave to lean myself towards learning on what it is that makes this girl. Who is this girl who makes me want to be bad. I want to do this so bad, in a very bad boy kinda way. Sometimes I feel I want to get bad, for her I am nasty. Me pones como loco, por ti me pongo mal. That sounds crazy, right?

Coming back to being platonic. I don't know whether it is a good idea. Whether to keep it that way. Well, honestly I don't know what I want. LOL.

But one thing for sure this what I want. Learning bout each other. Stepping out from the existing boundary of these annoying restrictive textings zone. It's suffocating.

I want her to understand me, my complications, how complicated I am, my difficulties, how difficult to be me, how it is not easy to be with me, with all the history, my circumstances, my status quo, my children. I want her to know that it is okay, to be associated with someone like me. And in my deepest sincerity, I feel like pouring her with all the love within my possession. Which I doubt such exists.

At the same time I don't want her to know that there's a possibility of us liking each other. I don't want to impress her, not intentionally, not when I'm in my full conscious. Which is totally crap, I think. For some unknown ambiguous reasons, I'm beating around the bushes, in my own self created maze, between reality and dream, whether to sweep this girl off her feet or to continue to be in my shitty platonic zones. Estoy perdido. Damn right, I'm lost.

I can't stop thinking about her. I certainly don't want to this to stop.  No quiero dejar de pensar en su. Whatever it is. Sometimes  I feel out of synchronization, lost in my own translations, between my self definition of platonic, and what I really feel. It's like I'm trying to fool her in this "casino royale"-esque poker game of love, that I'm up for the challenge, with all the cards on the table. It's a perfect picturesque of how 007 got bewildered by Vesper Lynd. Whether it's working or not? I don't know. I got not a single clue. Maybe I'm just fooling around, or I am a fool to set myself for another epic series of self cremation.

There are times I do ask myself why am I putting myself in this cyber torture? Unnecessarily. Is it worth the time, the headache, the heartache. Why? Why do I keep getting myself into silly indescribable trouble, unrelenting, consuming, overwhelming and undoing all the hard work I've put into. Is this going to make me better? A better person, a better man? Will this condemn me into another self inflicting wounds, for wanting someone is not available?

Who is this unfortunate girl? :-P

Well, she is an irresistible soul. A non text book kinda girl, intangible in many ways. Disparate. She got this weird style of describing things, which I find it funny. She makes me unconsciously smile when I read her texts. Fundamentally, she's different. Different enough to get my attentions, distinct enough to get me caught. She keeps getting me in a confusion state of mind, so divergent, far away from what I think it is the "ideal" me and the old unfamiliar wild me. She is contrastive, so in congruent to make me to lose control over myself. Silly things become not silly anymore. She makes me forget many things, suddenly wrong things can be re-positioned, suddenly crazy things are not so crazy anymore. Makes me want to let go. Well, I hold back many things in my life, stacking up to become an unwanted deposition on my shoulders, dragging me backwards. She makes me want to be unstuck. If there's such word. She makes me want to want her. She's my Vesper now. Mi chica ideal.

Ah, crazy. I think I'm going crazy. Y no me puedo contener. And, I can not help myself.

What about her? I wonder how is she doing. Juggling between her "routines" and having me pestering her in daily frequency. I wonder what is she feeling now. Deep inside, I feel bad for putting her in this entangling situation. Maybe she doesn't have to be in this mess. For all what she is having now. All these nuisances and deceiving signals I'm sending are not what she's looking for, certainly not even par to what she's experiencing now.

Why am I putting her into this? Getting her to think hard, between what she already has and what I can possibly offer. Should I continue or shall I embrace the idea of retreating-is-not-so-bad kinda idea? Well, whatever it is, I hope we both will not regret it. Whatever the outcomes, the end. Hmmm. Exhale, deep purging kinda exhales.

Okay, before I go on and on, pointless, senseless, and hopelessly relentlessly effortlessly making myself more stupid than I already am, I better stop this. Let me continue to sink myself, down in my own platonic cyber relationship. Some things in this life you don't get it twice. And this is one of them. Tu amigo, loco kukubal.

manliness through wisdom

I've been very quiet for the past few months. believe me, there's no one else to blame but me. regret to inform you that I'm still very much struggling with my long last antagonist in this very life, my BFF, Mr. Procrastination. sigh~

but still, I do feel obliged to write and update about..some stuff. despite I feel like there's nothing new, nothing exciting to talk about. this blog was meant for kindness and virtues, a platform for moral and conscience conundrum unfolding. but I do seem like I'm running out of my wisdom, right?

anyway, Insyirah is three months old and nine days by now. she's getting bigger, heavier and prettier day by day. and smarter too :) and she looks like me too! the hair, the eyes, the eye lashes, her fingers, her ears, the smirks, her feet, everything. she is so me. I like the idea of her looking very much like me. but there's always a little bit of my wife in her. the love. reminds me of many things. 

so what now? I got a good job enough to pay the bills, Insyirah is smart enough to watch cartoons and laughs bout it, soon my wife's going to be transferred here in KL (insyaAllah), my golf game is never been better, my sister is back in  herself now, my dad quits his job and grills potatoes for us for dinner, my mom is still my mom and still bake cookies for this coming festive holidays, everything is so perfect right now. 

but me being me, I'm always looking for something else. like there's always something else out there more than this, more to it. like there's no enough to all this. like there's something missing. like a puzzle. a piece of me that still lacking. for me to be better of it. it's like being Bruce Wayne but not Batman the Dark Knight. it's like being just Robin, not Batman. it's like I'm incomplete. I have no idea what it is. but I'm going to find out.

am I not happy? how can I not be happy with all I've got and for all I am today. it's not an issue of happiness or being grateful for all the blessings that have been smothering me. it's an issue of being what I'm suppose to be. what I am designed for. fulfilling the destiny, the dream, the idea that MCKK has etched on me. being good is never enough. we have to be great. be the gentlemen, the white knight, like what it is written on our coat of arms, fiat sapienta virtus, manliness through wisdom. it's an issue of me being a man, man of many things, that sums one thing. a wise man.

I think I need to sit back and think about this missing piece of me that remains illusive. I need to contribute more to the others. to the society. to the people. but I don't know the medium or in what form can I contribute mutually best for me and for the others.

well, it's always hard being me. my patience and inner strength are like iron steel. being plain different is not easy. always pushing myself to be everything, even something that I will never be.

seasoning seasonal me

i went back to JB last weekend to visit my in laws. there's this remark that my wife gave that somehow lingers in my head until now. she said that i'm seasonal. i like to get involved in many things but slowly i will find myself phased out. hurmm~

let's us see what is happening now. i kind of agree on her that my blog is running cold lately for the past few months. but it is not seasonal. it is just that i am so busy with work that i hardly find time to write and to update.

she also said that my photography life is dying and my kenny is getting dusty, since i have new mate now, my Playstation 3. she complained even those pictures taken during our Hong Kong trip last June were not uploaded. not even in facebook! :) ya, i admit on that. i was so lazy to go through the hustle of uploading and editing pictures.

i have not been on any golf course for nearly over three months now. i have stop working out regularly. less sit ups, less bicep curls. less jogs. no futsal games. i sleep less, playing video games.so what is really happening to me and what is happening now? the answers are, i simply don't know.

what i know now, sleep and video games are all that matter. hehe. i am so exhausted, worn out and lazy nowadays. after all i have been through past months. i call this lazy months. my wife call it mid life crisis! :P well, i'm not sure about any crisis but, i surely think a lot lately. about many things. so many things going on in my head. pounding. and it hurts. that's why i laid back a lot and in reluctant mode most of the times.

so am i really that seasonal kind of person? who lacks the follow through and consistency? or am i just plain seasoning and tired? probably both. but knowing me, i always bounce back and rejuvenate. but it will take sometimes. i hope it's going to be soon. i found it very hard to motivate myself and somehow self driving motivation is tricky lately..in the seasoning seasonal me.

finally finally

finally. finally. and finally. i'm engaged. my intention to marry her was pure and truthful. that i almost drop tears when her father said he accepted my uncle's engagement proposal on behalf of me and my family.

finally my sincerity is accepted sincerely by the receiving end. sincere and honest enough to accept me for who i am and for who i've been. and for who i am going to be and always be. honesty is no longer the hardest thing for me. now it's all about me and honesty.

finally finally i got what i always want which is sincerity. finally finally she's all my true and truthful authenticity. and finally finally i am almost complete, completely.

i am all happy. everybody is happy. all cheery for the soon to be, finale, finally finally :) then i can hold my chin high that i live my life truthful, and hopefully successfully. they rhymed, yeah! :P

bridge it closer

just because we are different in many ways, it does not mean that one of us is wrong. how many times i've wrote this line in numerous posts before.

all we have to do is learn, learn and keep learning about each other. embrace the difference, accept and respect the gap and bridge it closer by mutual interest and consent.

this is very crucial. in sustaining any relationship. stop day dreaming of the impossible, the existence of "the other half" or the significant other or someone similar like you. there's no such thing as such. everyone is unique. even a mother can think differently and argue with her daughter. and even a twin brothers killed each other over a girl.

but i, have knowledge over this. for years. i will not let the same old mistakes reoccur. and i will not forgive myself for any secondhand stumble. it's so cheap that my pride is too big to tolerate with.

i have to be wise and tactful in this. to please all sides. everybody. i know it doesn't sound right, saying it alone doesn't make it any better. but this life, of a matured person. i have to do this.

be careful of what you say and what you wish for. you might get it all. even the bad ones. and too much of anything can make us sick.

perseverance is the key. keep myself on top of everything. compose. think thrice then name the price. it will be a surprise. of what i can pull of :)

i got you

i've been listening to leona lewis' i got you over and over again. what a nice song from a talented sweet singer. i just want to say that i'm so glad and proud that i found you. finally :) enjoy the lyrics~

a place to crash
i got you
no need to ask
i got you
just get on the phone
i got you
come and pick you up if i have to
what's weird about it
is we're right at the end
and mad about it
just figured it out in my head
i'm proud to say
i got you

go ahead and say goodbye
i'll be alright
go ahead and make me cry
i'll be alright
and when you need a place to run to
for better for worse
i got you
i got you

ain't falling a part, or bitter
let's be bigger than that and remember
the cooling outdoor when you're all alone
we'll go on surviving
no drama, no need for a show
just wanna say
i got you

cause this is love and life
and nothing we can both control
and if it don't feel right
you're not losing me by letting me know

a place to crash
i got you
no need to ask
i got you

and you have me.. :)

patience

don't get too carried away, i say. sit back and observe more. for more signs. i need more data to work with. lalalala~

poem : guilty pleasure

the sky has lost its color, and the sun turns grey. at least that's how it feels to me. whenever you're away.

the fragrances are now odor, and oh those drab days. at least that's how i feel when i am no longer me. which coincides with your presence's sway.

i crawled up in the corner. to count the minutes pass. each one brings me closer to, the time you're coming back.i can't take the distance, i couldn't stand the miles. just in an instance, the thoughts erased the smiles.

but i see the lights now. i always do. i pray now for the end of the coo. sounds of despair from creeping in. killing all i ever believing in.

these mellow traits just don't have me operated. instead, it derives me as stagnant, and segmented. thus i need my palette of colors back. just don't leave me asphyxiated in the sack..

which knot did you tie?

almost always pick the best time to drop the worst line, almost make me cry again this time, another false alarm, red flashing light, i got choke during my dine. said them intentionally and you felt fine.

but i'll be just fine, pretending i am not, apart from lonely, and it's all i've got. i've been trying to have your words sorted, but i found it a hassle due to all those knots, so i thought, leave them unraveled i rather not. because the truth is so mean like the time flies, abducting my youth.

you see, knots are not chords. they don't rhyme. they are not synchronized. no beat no lyrics no melody. it's like a plague with no remedy. full of symptoms but no direct cause, whatsoever. and i do believe the symptoms will be prolonged, propelling towards greater course, forever. but this is no comedy. not a charity, definitely infallibly not funny. all empty, halt and vacuum.

i like kris allen's the truth. honesty is honestly the hardest thing for me right now. have been singing and playing the guitar over the song lately. unwillingly liking it. my mind tumbling, my heart crumpling, my hands trembling as my mouth mumbling. too bad, three sad. sigh~

p/s: those pictures do not imply any correlation with my mumblings above.

wishful thinking

i was just wondering. sitting alone in my office's room in the middle of the night. taking a break from graphs and charts and data. ya, it's kind of spooky knowing that i am all alone on the whole floor. my operators are downstairs. i think. assuming one or two of them are watching astro in the crew room. or, they might even not in the premise. standing by at the apron waiting for transmile cargo aircraft to be refueled.

i am trying to conduct two studies. one, to convince the management that i need a bigger storage tank for my aviation gasoline or also better known as avgas. two, to convince the management that i need optimum 3 persons per shift for my 24 hours operation. that's the reason why am i still in the office this late.

when i'm all alone, it usually gets to me, to think. of many things. so i was wondering what it is like if i have a family now. a wife, cooked the dinner, waiting at the dining table for me to return so that we can have dinner together. sigh, wishful thinking. and again, reality check kills the dream, taking the breath of me. exhaled. frustrated. no surprise there.

what would it takes to make you come back? the dream. the thoughts. of having someone. but i keep telling myself what it is, the truth, and it's just ain't like that. and i'm just getting boring and boring. even my mom told me that i look gloomy nowadays.

ya, right.

tell me

tell me what we got, tell me it's a lot, tell me it's the real thing. tell me not to change and always be the same, tell me that's a good thing, it's a good thing. tell me not to lie, tell me not to wait, tell me that you want the same things as me. tell me that it's fate, driving me insane. tell me it's the real thing. that keeps me hanging on..

avracadabra

i have been always inspired to write, to compose, or to produce artworks by my surroundings. the ambience just tickles me and then, hocus pocus, avracadabra, there you go, kazaamn, i'm aspired. sometimes it just happens. just like that. and sometimes, the energy, the ideas, just keep flowing, like they are running through my veins.

it's like a magical calling. one day i just woke up, turned on my laptop, and since then couldn't stop working. but there were times where, i got stuck, clueless, twitched, couldn't even write a line. yeah, ups and downs.

there were quite a number of people came to me and asked, what were those artworks meant for or what was i trying to convey. well, most of the times, i just did it. i just do things. i don't even have motives. i don't need reasoning for everything, in anything i scratch out. not everything comes with a reason. despite everything happens for a reason. how irony.

i've been learning french recently. here are some of my recent artworks with the introduction of some french essences in them :) enjoy~

p/s: mind me my french, my manners, my bad. my french is not that good..anyway, do they, those sexy french blokes pronounce avracadabra like we spell it in english? hihi :P

flying without wings

nope, uh uh, euww, not the song. i used to complain how exhausted i was back then when i was in sarawak. i used to travel a lot. i flew almost everyday. i stayed in the hotel most of the time. remember when i addressed on how fast my life turned out to be?

now? not anymore. i just realized that it's been a month plus of me free from flying. no more early morning flights. traveling back and forth. i kind of miss those. irony. at one point you hate it so much and all of sudden now you craving for it back. life. is like that. full of surprises. challenges. life is a hunt. like a wheel. one time you are on top, at the peak, at the tangent, at your very best, and the next thing you know you could be drowned, drunk, flat below, at your very worst.

now i'm still a frequent flier. it's just that it is now wingless. not in few thousands feet up in the air. but i fly in my own world. full of creativity. i'm free. carefree. like a bird. but no beak or beakless. hahaha.

i have my kenny and my jenny. jenny is the car. but it's a boy despite the girlish looks. hehe. you remember kenny? the camera. it's a she. despite the bold black built, complete with her new BFF, miss flashy, the speedlite external flash gun. now they are with me most of the time. i'm back at my best. on form. artworks, posters, printings, pictures editing, you name it. yet still i'm longing to name my golf set. too many of them to name them all. ranging from the shortest iron to the longest driver. maybe i should have named them like, "irony" for the irons, and "drivey" for the drivers. hahaha. what's with the shallow naming scheme? so against my nature and so much the creativity, huh? lol~

now let's talk serious things with seriousness, shall we?

do you know that eagles will go through an crucial, decisive, ultimate change and a very painful transformation process in their life cycle? all eagles will have their peak of their life at the age of 40 when they are matured enough, they have strong talons and beak to hunt. they have big wings span, to soar very high in the sky and can dip through in certain level of water surface to catch fishes and they are well equipped with thick feathers to float and to protect them from mountain colds. one thing you should one know that the eagle has the longest lifespan of its species and can live up to 70 years.

but in order to live up to 70 years, an eagle has to make a hard decision. this has to be well supported with the ability to see what's beyond our senses, our eye sights. clairvoyance. we have to be far sighted and firm with the choices that we make.

apparently, when in their 40's, the sharp and flexible talons become less capable of grabbing prey in flight. the previously sharp and long beak becomes bent. the feathers needed so desperately for soaring become old-aged and stuck to the chest, making it difficult to fly like the eagles used to. life, somehow is not as nice as it used to be to the eagles. then, it appears that the eagles are left with only two options: whether to die or go through a painful process of change. the transformation process lasts 150 days. the eagles choose to change by going high up on the mountain to their nest.

then, the eagles pluck out the beak by knocking it against a rock until it's out. after that, the eagles waited for their new beak to grow back.

next, the eagles pluck out their talons and wait again till the new ones grow back.

afterward, the eagles pluck out its old-aged feathers and lets new ones grow while waiting. when the 5 months process of painful transformation is completed, the eagles are now rebirth or rejuvenated and ready to soar and fit for action again.

why is change is needed? why is it so necessary for us to move on? why the eagles are so keen with the extreme transformation which doesn't guarantee their survival in the first place? yet or maybe hence, they believe it is best for their survival.

people say that a lot of times, in order to survive, we have to start a process of personal change no matter how painful, no matter how long, no matter what, we just have to do it to breathe "life" back into our years. just like what i'm doing now. for the past one year plus. changing my paradigms, getting rid of old, enslaving memories, stale habits and obsolete thoughts to allow us to unload past burdens. which, i believe a worthy transformation. insha'Allah.

well, there goes my flying without wings theory. sometimes, doing nothing or doing less does not necessarily mean that you are not doing anything. it is just that you are doing something more meaningful. it's the quality, not the quantity. ya, ya, same old same old. :) whatever it is coming, i will continue to ride cool free, and smile upon like a bee. heck.. i'm so sleepy. zzzzz!

conveniently complacent

i had a long day today. didn't get enough sleep last night. watched real madrid versus racing santander, scheduled la liga game live from el sardinero, north coast of spain last night. woke up as early as five and rush to the airport. went to bintulu for my site hand over to my successor.

then in the afternoon, flew back to kuala lumpur. and had a nice long chat western dinner with a friend. but that's not what i'm trying to write here. lol. scrap all those irrelevant introduction if that's the convention. :)

during my traveling hours in the flight and train to the city, it got me to think. am i being convenient as in too nice that in the end people took advantage of my kindness, took me for granted? or was it just me being too naive, compromising with complacent people?

whatever it was, i was too, too conveniently complacent, that i let my guards down, my radar off, not being well aware of those circumstances, these consequences. well, some people, they think they feel or own some feelings, but the truth is, they aren't. they just think it that way. they like to feel good about themselves. they just like the idea of being that way, the idea of having people like me around. it is nice. so good that it drowns them in their own complacency.


the hard, difficult truth behind it on the other hand is, they just don't give a shit about me. full stop.

in the end, i am numb now, cold, and disbelief that we are all living in a nice world. we are all living in damn crazy world, swamp by infectious broken society. maybe. perhaps vampires do really exist. i don't know..

red is the new black

today, my mom just shocked me.

she called me this afternoon when i was still in miri, doing my technician's year end performance appraisal. she told me she wanted to have me bath with flowers tonight, just to cleanse the jinx in me if there's such thing in this world. what the heck? i never believe in those kind of things.

she said i must have gotten something supernatural superstitiously cursed with me keep finding myself in scarce of luck when it comes to find the right girl. she got to be kidding me! for me, god has everything to do in this kind of business. when the time comes, it will happen. if it is meant to be, it is meant to be, and going to be.

it is all just a matter of time. and patience is the key.

nowadays, everything is just turning upside down, inside out. they all working backwards. moms are getting worried over their getting older single sons. sigh! maybe red is just the new black and pink is the new purple.

acceptance is essential

do you agree with me if i say all a boy wants from his girl is acceptance? to accept him just the way he is. to trust him and to give the approval he needs in order for him to continue loving. i think that is just normal for a man. we mere mortals with testosterone require so called the encouragement to be able to open up and give the love that our partner need. you see, love or the acts of love are reciprocal. it 's never a one way street. we need stimulus. we all do.

why suddenly come and discuss about this? i myself have no idea. hehe. but i have been thinking. this recent weeks had been a lil bit quiet and it's kind of empty lately. it was good though, it gave me the space to allow myself to sit back and think. think about many things. i guess, there is where the acceptance thing came. lol.

i think we all have to agree on men and women are just different. we are. the way we think, how we cope with our emotional stresses, the way we communicate, how we process info and many other areas in life. to talk about problems and share with friends is an act of friendship or love for the girls. but we men, we don't just simply talk about our problems. we like to withdraw ourself from other things and focus on what's bothering us. sometimes we can be a bit too occupied with it and forget about our other responsibilities, namely giving attention to the loved ones. because, for guys, it's all about the male ego thing. solving a problem is what we do. as leaders, we need to take care of ourselves first before we can even take a good care of others. we thrive on solutions and the ability to solve problem and learn from it. it's like a race for us and it is all about competency. while for the girls, it's the other way around. they like to nurture each other.

that's why men are so into cool gadgets (they meant to solve problems or improve the efficiency on doing things), sports, fast cars, bikes etc. and when we find the solution for our problem and solved it, we go out from our cave and ready to love again. sometimes if we can't find the solution and get stuck, we like to divert our minds from it and do something else, like a sedative, to calm us down. for example reading newspaper or playing video games or even sleep helps a lot. but girls they just can't stop pestering. they need to let it out and torture us with their perspective. they don't get it when men don't want to talk about it and share with them. the more difficult the problem is, the more withdrawn men can be. we will ask your opinion if we want and only when we want to. girls always accused or misinterpret us for being insensitive and lack of love when we don't want to talk about what's bothering us. it's not that we don't want to, we just don't think it is necessary while we still can top it ourselves.

i understand that women find peace and relief through talking. girls, they need assurance. constantly and consistently. to know that they have people around them who care for them. that's why girls ask rhetorical questions over and over again. for us men, one time is just as good as enough. when we tell you that we care about you, means we do care about you. haha. men are simple. we don't dwell on small trivial things. instead we focus on the big chunk, the vital few. i think that's why we normally don't pay that much attention on dates, anniversaries or birthdays.

while girls need caring, boys need trust. oh, you have no idea how much trust means to us. the accepting attitude shows that you trust us. that's why we men normally not comfortable when a girl criticise us and trying too hard to change us. it's not that we don't appreciate your effort to change us as a gesture of love but all we need is you to trust and support us that we will grow and change by ourselves, gradually, eventually. we need girls to accept us just the way we are. i like my partner to have that kind of attitude. it hurts when a girl criticise us for being childish and trying to change our behavior. for us, those show that you don't trust us and you guys think there's something wrong with us. sometimes it is true that we lack on certain things, but it's the way you express or say it make it hard for us to digest. we tend to feel like you think we are broken and your gesture of changing us is an act of fixing us, a broken thing. i think that's why men normally resist change or go defensive on this.

sharing or talking about problems keep girls sane while playing games or sports keep us men sane. talking about past mistakes and previous relationships may be a big topic for you to talk or should i say "gossip" with your friends. but apparently, is a big turn off for guys. you see, when you keep asking about our past, errors, previous relationships - it somehow gives us the sign that you are not accepting us, the way we are, the whole bundle, the package. normally guys don't get comfortable with that while you think you are being caring and all, asking questions.

when you want us to listen to you when you are upset on certain things especially those things that have something to do with us like things we did or we haven't done yet (compared to your friends' boyfriends, hehe), it hurts when you express it in such ways especially when it sounded like you were blaming us. i know it is almost impossible for us to stop you guys from getting all emotional and no to talk about what is making you upset but sometimes there are things you should learn to keep it to yourself or try to calm down and be rational. then we can talk about what bothering you. men easily get angry or hurt during sustaining this very difficult task of listening. boys usually tend to go defensive when a girl nag about her problems and accuse him this and this for things which isn't even true at all or it was just the girl dealing with her dilemma or something like that :)

i understand feelings are essential for girls. true, they always want to express their feelings. whatever it is burning inside them. anger, frustration, sadness, worry etc. but coping with all you worrywarts is just not pleasant at all. it's difficult when you keep questioning about the same thing over and over again. i think it's kind of normal for a guy to be worn out from this, after sometime. deep inside in every guy there's a knight in shinning armor who is in loved with his princess. but if the princess keep telling him what to do, what he shouldn't do, what he should have done, nagging him the "other" way of doing things, over and over again - eventually the knight grows tired and forget to shine his armor and to sharpen his sword and stop caring. that's the metaphor how exhausting it can be for a boy, coping with his girl's emotional stress.

finally, encouragement is also significant for men. we all need our partner to keep supporting us in everything we do, every decision we make, everything we care for. admiration is also an encouraging attitude that men normally look for in a girl. for me, to admire means to trust and approve that i can do my very best and again to trust that i'm capable of taking care of my girl. it is just how things work for us.

my advice, try to look at the brighter side of us. see the good things. what we have done and sacrificed for you rather than what we have not done yet. try to comprehend that there's nobody perfect in this world and we all make mistakes. and furthermore, you guys are not so perfect after all. full of flaws. our differences or we being different from each other is a beautiful thing actually that created by God. He wants us to learn about and learn from each other and keep loving each other.

okay, now i'm tired of writing. i want to sleep and forget that i've ever wrote this. man, i'm so bored. sigh~

came and became

i am wearing thin. that's for sure. why can't i just gallop through this. i couldn't tell her. to get her convinced on how i feel. the time flies and all of sudden, it's daylight again. my life in the rear view now and i'm running away from my mistakes, artworks, songs, lyrics, pictures and poem.

maybe i have been looking for someone like you. is it safe to say, lost day, pictures and colors fade away, songs mute in a way, and is it safe for me to say that i am missing you, by the way.

someone once told me that it's never been a fair world. curbing the feelings, which is not fair. words is all i have left in the remembrance of all those. in a brief span of time, i learned a lot. more than i could possibly teach.

as time goes by, people come and go. they all do. but there are things remain the same, left a mark, a brand and a mission or even a scar. another cycle another lesson. another chapter another story another life to sync to sing.

but i am who i am. lame but the foundation stays the same. you made me what i am today for what tomorrow may come, what i've became..

everything makes sense now

now everything makes sense. this world it revolves around an axis, round and round and so do this life, eventually will come to its senses. there are things will never be explained. i thought it was like that. but after couple of years, suddenly it comes and knock my head and everything flashed back. i wonder why can't i comprehend everything first time first hand. why does it always have to be some when later. is it because of change of paradigm?

paradigm means how we see things, how we see the world. we see the world as it is or the way we are? most common people see the world the way the are, how they live their lives, how they operate..but successful people see things differently..by looking the world as it is. we really need to get our head straight before we do anything, before we decide on something. paradigm is like a mental map. a map that guides us to the correct destination. where's the destination? it depends..but one thing for sure, principle governs the path or how you get to the destination. what do i really want actually in this life?

hmm, tough one aye? well..i just want to love and be loved by the loved ones..hahaha. scrap this..bosan tunggu flight lama lagi~bluerkk