Effortless In Forgiveness

I just don't understand why people still wants to justify when they are saying sorry.

We don't justify why we are sorry. Guilt is never to be reasoned. Forgiveness is a product of common civic value, a by product of humility. Apologies are never to be followed by proud excuses.

We are humans, we are bound to make mistakes. Error prone. When we do make mistakes, we feel sorry about them, and the guilt creeps in. And we seek for forgiveness. That is part of humanity and that is all about being a mortal. We have feelings.

We don't say "I'm so sorry for what I've done, but really, I want you to know that I did it because of I don't respect you bla bla bla.."...

Seriously, that was horrible. I doubt the sincerity of the plead for forgiveness.

And when people tries to do that, that derivation of why they are sorry, they tend to talk a lot. Tonnes of unnecessary things. Too much of a thing really will not help to ease up things.

Too much info doesn't mend, it is deteriorating instead. Bores the patch, pokes the wound.

We say sorry. Full stop. That's it. That is how it should be. And somehow it reflects true honesty.

And for that, sorry is always seems to be the hardest word. Because it is not easy. Only the strong can say sorry. Sincerely.

But it is never meant to be so expensive, let alone being cheap. Forgiveness is just priceless. And for me, it should be effortless.

Marketeer : A New Found Glory

It’s been more than a month and a half. I finally got to do sales and marketing. Well guys, stick around and see what I have to say about finally being a marketeer.

From what I've gathered after 7 years in the oil and gas industry, my observations tell me that it’s a task of being perseverance, margins play-around, with the risk being rejected, or easily accepted, like gambling using soft skills, persistent follow up, getting to know people, accommodating different people with different needs, customisation in solutions, timely delivery, bla bla bla. Long list ahead.

I've learned some of those along the way, some I've come across by many means, and some I might not be truly familiar with, but basically I got the whole idea. Well, me being me, with my greatest assets of persuading and being able to see the big pictures, I had my head over my heels when I got the job offer. I knew that I can do it. Like a child riding his very first bicycle, hell I was full of joy. For some reasons, I was very confident and keen on this new adventure of mine, embarking on this thrilling journey of a game called sales! But then again, my over positivity caught me off guard.

Apparently, there's more to it. A lot of things that I didn't know back then. Now we talk bout cold calls, price validity, due diligence, market intelligence, intimacy visits or lunches, and the hardest part is, expanding the market. Sustaining existing customers is essential, don't get me wrong on that, but getting complacent with the current market is just never enough if we want to survive in this rough business. In order to maintain the competitiveness, both in terms of pricing and product availability, there's a lot to consider.

I think I've outdone myself well, for my first month. I've sold 7 units of tote tanks, with more than 150 thousands revenue. Which quite an achievement for a rookie salesman. But I will never rest and take the foot off the gas. It was considered a given sale, from a reoccurring client. I was there at the place at the right time. I need to out stretch myself more. Against the complacency which honestly started to creep in as soon as I got my first two purchase orders.

Nevertheless, what I like most bout doing sales is, meeting people. Oh, how much I thrive it. I'm surprised that I talked bout the product average of less than 5 minutes in the entire meeting. The rest is all about everything. Global. Borderless. We talked about diabetes, football, parenthood, politics and current political scenes, the jews, world economic, travelling, people and places to see, we talk bout dreams, marriage, photography and even golf! Golf topic can be long and very draggy. :) And I like that. Being able to talk about almost everything. It might not be in depth. But suffice enough to keep the interest intact, hence an enquiry for a purchase. And I learned a lot from my clientèle and the people I met everyday. Seems like there's always something new everyday. Something that you never knew you going to get to know. Bloody tongue twisting :P 

Moving on. Anyway, what I love most is, instilling values in people's life, in their daily routine. Which what I do best. Inculcating positive energies for people I met and people around me. Offering solutions to fit their needs, both in terms of professionally and in personal development. Some of the things I do, or I say, might look trivial and irrelevant. But I do and say those in a platform of pure honesty and well being. And I hope this valour and noble traits of mine will continue and never meet their end. For further seems forever.

Life is good so far. I get to travel. A lot. Somehow golf becomes part of the job. My job description is very much in lined with my natural talents. All in all, I am happy, or should I say, much happier now. I'm thrilled to go to work everyday. I go to work early, without any hassle. I never drag myself to work nowadays. Anticipating new challenges everyday. It couldn't be any "perfecter" than this. Yeah, I know, I just made that word up. Lol! :P

In conclusion, this new found glory of mine is overwhelming. I'm all excited. I feel rejuvenated. Feels like I'm alive and young again. I feel relevant in everything I do. For some reasons, I feel like age will never catch me. I am just not going to get old. I level up instead. The excitement kicks start my heart, and it beats again. Breathing youth values deep from my core pinching straight to people's heart. I'm not just a trend setter, I am all a life changer.

Resolutions

I know, it's kind of belated already to talk about resolutions. It's already four days past the new year's eve. But when it comes to self reflections and realizations, there's never a chance to be too late and it's better late than never. Being fashionably late somehow becoming my repertoire lately :)

Well, what can I say bout new year's resolutions. It has becoming a repetitive notion, more like a cycle, endless, and boring too. For me, listing it out alone is never enough. But achieving it all is the key. It's tough. Life is tough. And too short to make it all easy for us. And for that reason, I prefer the list to be a short as possible, concise and most importantly, achievable. Let's be realistic here.

I'm pushing for thirties this year. I'm no longer in my twenties. I found it hard to find a suitable and subtle way  to say goodbyes to my mid and late twenties and a proper warm hello for my thirties. But it is all dust and done. Time flies. Like really fast. And those 10 years of late were, etching I should say. They shaped my well being, my personality, matured me up, heartbroken, joys, disappointments, achievements, etc, you name it all. But that's life, and life's like that. We can't run from all those things. I've seen the best, the worst, I wouldn't change what I've been through, I've touched the sky, I wormed myself up to leap the ground, I've fell on the floor, fell hard, hit the wall, but I did what I had to do.

Life is full of obstacles or the way I see it now, in a very positive perspective, they are challenges. Obstacle sounds too negative and too much for me. Well, I've been a fool, people called me freak, a geek, and nerd too. I've been loved, and I've been lied to. It's all like a cycle. There were ups and down. Balance. But all in all, I rather try and fail, thousand times denied. At least I know, whenever the pain felt, I'm alive. I've been right, certainly been wrong countless of times, but in the end it all worked out. The scars, are scratches of memories. They tell tales. And never healed. But time, they condone. So I can appear to be moved on. On the contrary, deep inside, I carry them all as part and parcel of my learning curve. Still do.

So what's my resolutions then? Simple, I want to get organized. And stay focused. These things don't seem to be in my list of fortes. I seem to be so incapable to stay focused. So now I want to be early. To work, for pray, family, golf, parenthood, Everything. On time for everything, in everything. Basically I want to be timely. To perfection. For me, life, it's all bout timing. And I want to be in control. On top of things. Because time is the only thing we can not buy. So priceless, that we can never turn it back. There's no rewind in life. No such thing as replay in this short span of living. I want to make it a habit. Control. I repeat, be in control.

Hence the name of the new blog layout. Breaking the habits. Since it's the second time I've chose the name, I put the 2.0 there. Just to make a difference from the previous one. I believe being timely and on time can make a huge difference and impact in my life. Hopefully it will, and I will gain control. People said, to gain control, first we have to submit. In my case, I've submitted to much, too much procrastination. I've suffered enough because of being less punctual. So now, in conjunction with me being old (lol!), I seriously don't want to be in the slavery of slackingness. I'm not doing this just for myself, but I am improving for the best for everyone, especially both in below's picture :)

Expectations Versus Confidence

Last Saturday was a memorial day for me. For the first time in my golfing career, or my golf life persona, I played in a official golf tournament. It was MCOBA Masters, an annually held golf competition among us, the old boys. Actually, it is not really a competitive kind of tournament. The way we see it, it is more like a social gathering, a get together kind of outing in a golf course where the old ones meet the younger ones, and you know the rest :) It's my first tournament, and probably the most remembered ones for more to come in future endeavours.

But I am not writing about the tournament, the excitement, the networking, the feel and pride being part of the great MCOBA fraternity and such. I'm writing about my thousand and one failure during that particular round of golf. Let us just say, that I didn't have a good round that day. Certainly wasn't playing to my current potential. Well, I hit good drives but my short games were terrible. Duffed, I topped the ball on few occasions, I snapped during my putts, I didn't chip close to the hole like I used to do, and worst, I even shanked my pitch shots. You know, that sorts of silly but costly mistakes. By the time I reach the 9th hole, my score was already up to the target I've set earlier, with another 9 to go. Crazy.

So, what went wrong actually. Definitely I'm not that kind of player. I know I can do way better than that. I even score considerably good in my standard and potential on the same course, in a round of 18, 3 days earlier when I went for a dry run to get me well prepared. Which, makes it more unbearable. The frustration.

In the name of a game called golf, the mind plays a crucial role. The old sayings said, 90 percent of a round of golf, is played in the mind. Which I can never agree more and argue less. It is so crucial that it takes control of everything. Not just my swing, but my confidence, and definitely my pride.

So here I am, contemplating on what really happened last weekend. Was it the nerves? That rush of blood to the head? Pounding out, taking control over me and letting me down? Yes, but only in partial. It was the expectations that really killed me. The expectation is always considered by most to be working parallel with confidence. The higher the confidence is, automatically the expectation is sky high and vice versa. I beg to differ. In golf, the opposite is true. The higher the expectation we set in a round of golf, the more pressure we put on ourselves to hit great shots everytime. Which is a great recipe for failure, a cardinal's sin we call it in golf.

When I put certain expectations in this very first tournament, subconsciously I've put a certain target of score, or a particular level of play to be met during that round of golf. What happened was, when I hit a bad shot, my mind, my pre-frontal cortex ( the CEO of the brain, not the motor system that controls the body and muscles movement) quickly assessed my swing, to find the culprit, more like a fault finding process. And my mind breaks down my swing part by part to find the very mean of faultiness. When I thought that I've got the answer, subsequently I tried to correct it in "the level of my swing", not in the mind. Which resulted in doing more, or overdo, not less. Well, doing more or overly done in golf means disaster. In golf, less is more. As a result, there were worse shots, and I even missed a less than 12 inches putt. Bloody frustrating.

Why did I put too much pressure on myself? I don't know, maybe with all the preparations I've made, all the time and effort I've poured into, the equipment that I've upgraded, not to mention the apparel and garments that I've tried to match up everytime, I expected myself to put such a performance up to that "standard". But when I get too excited bout it, hence the silly mistakes, I only let myself further down, so low that I couldn't recover up to the last hole. Which is so not me. It felt like I was just started playing, like how I used to be 3 years ago. That showed how devastating it was for me.

So lesson is learnt. Now, I'm not just going to practice the swing itself, but the mental aspects as well. Recovery from a bad shot is part of the lesson plan :) You know, living in the moment, not in the future, and definitely not in the past. And try not to putt too much unnecessary pressure on myself. For a better score and the hopefully I will enjoy my golf tournament more in the future.

I know I can do better than how I performed last weekend. With the knowledge, the techniques, the equipment, the drive and with all the time and efforts I've put into, I even can play with a very low score of 88 actually. But I've to take it one step at a time. Next tournament, I better prepare myself not just in the swing perspectives, but in mind department also. Managing my expectations exponentially, maintaining my self confidence, controlling the nervous feeling, that sort of stuffs.

Golf, oh golf. I wonder, how on earth did I get so immersed into it in the first place?! Immersed and so etched that the game is shaping my personality, bit by bit :)

Good Things Come To Those Who Wait

People said that God work His magic in many forms. He can bless you in many ways. Now I'm bidding on it fully. I do believe in it. No longer just a hearsay. And it is like a wonder when you think you are about to crack out and cramp in, then all of sudden He cheer us with set of good news. Irony.

Truly. I am so grateful for His blessings and favours bestowed on me. Now my 6 months old daughter, Insyirah is a sister. Last week, we found out that my wife is carrying our second baby. And in conjunction with that, I got an offer with another company. A better offer, a managerial post and finally I'm going to do something I'm naturally comfortable to perform. Sales and marketing. Utilizing my talent. I'm all comfortable meeting new people. Selling ideas, persuading, sharing thoughts and opinions, gathering info. It's all me. It's new to me as I never really do a true marketing job before. But I have a strong feeling that I'm going to do just fine. Naturally.

And for the second baby, both of us, my wife and I hope that it's going be a boy this time around. We pray for it, we work for it. Towards it. You know, things like, eating more meat, reading Surah Yusof, and so forth. But still, we leave it up to His hands to decide. We will be all happy even if it's another baby girl.

Therefore, I'm all getting ready and prepared to face these new challenges in my life. New career path, second child coming. Full of joy. Full of good hopes.

We are working hard to work things out. To get both Insyirah and Nurfirdaus getting transferred here to Kuala Lumpur. I think it is time for us to end this so called weekend husband title thingy. It didn't help and it surely doesn't going to help at all. Obviously. I need to get things sorted out. I need my family to be around me, all the time.

Good things do not happen for no reason. And good things come to those who wait. With religiously patience. Like what Sam used to nag me. And I am all thankful to Him and Haji Sam for all these. With the right attitude, right mindset, constant doa and tawakkal consistently, InsyaAllah, things will work out the way it should be best. Fingers crossed. Ameen.

Golf As An Obsession Or A Lifestyle Instead?

As clear as the title is, it is an obsession to me now. I am all erratically obsessed in golf nowadays. It's like I am a mad scientist trying so hard to unlock those so called mysteries or secrets of being a good golfer. Every pieces of the swing. The grip, set up, the take away, backswing, downswing, impact and release. Everything. And because of that, I've engaged a professional golf instructor for a month long to sort of like "correct" my swing. Well, I need a reference or I will never improve.

It is amazing how complicated a golf swing can be. It is not an easy movement of body parts and muscles. In that two seconds, so many muscles and things get stretched and released. It is a complicated set of movements. And after three years of golfing, I have had my ups and downs with my swing. There's a lot things to be comprehended, to juggle during that particular fractions of two seconds.

And that's the problem. Most amateur golfers out there including me, are so keen on improving our swing mechanics with the mindset of understanding those stuffs as soon as possible. It's like we want to be swinging so good, dead straight and long in one day. Like those pros in the television. Which is impossible. Twice as wrong, I used to think that I will never be as good as them. Which is bloody damn wrong. We can if we quit our job and play golf seriously full time. But then, I have to ask myself again, is it that what I really wanted or should remain as a recreational golfer. The ideal notion is, we shouldn't be thinking of competing them. We should have this objectives, which are, playing at our fullest potential and enjoying the game. Golf like any other things in life, demands dedication and patience. Of course talent, good hand-eye coordination, flexibility and athleticism play a big role in relishing our true potential in becoming a good golfer. But I do believe that good sound fundamentals of the swing bio-mechanics and proper technique and training dictates or should I say accelerates our learning curves in mastering the whole world of golfing. We got to have a good basic before we even start shaping our swing.

And that's the problem. I never really mastered my basics three years ago when I first started. So I was kind of wandering in the dark, fixing every little problems that I've encountered through out my "golfing career" by myself, or searching through the internet for quick fix tips. And those were not only left the problems unsolved permanently, it developed bad habits, set of compensations, ingrained in my mind that I should be doing this instead of this without knowing the real hard truth or reasoning of the problem itself in the first place. And yes, it created a lot tonnes of other swing problems.

And now, I've realized that all those problems actually came from a very basic section of the swing. It's not even in the swing yet. It's the grip. I'm barely swinging yet. How irony is that. How on earth a grip can lead to many swing faults, destroying or should I say hindering my development as better golfer? Well, let me deliberately explain this more.

Firstly, we have to have a correct mindset about golf. Well, I was wrong all these years. Golf is about finesse. Not power. It's about delicacy and subtleness. Meaning, we should never, ever grip the golf club hard. Instead, the more loose we grip, the better chance we have to make that smooth, effortless yet powerful impact on the ball, hence power and long shot. I know, it is hard to believe this. But it is that dead blunt true. The harder you choke the club, the more difficult for you to have full shoulder turn. Your wrists, arms, and shoulder get tensed up, limiting the flexibility, the fluidity in swinging through the ball. Yes, I said, swing through the ball, not hit the ball. I shouldn't be trying to flip the ball, or helping to hit the ball with muscular strength or trying to add more power in lifting or launching the ball up in the air. The club, because of its loft angle, shaft length and flex will deliver the descending blow itself upon impact.

So, from now on, I am practising swing my club no matter what club it is, be it the big stick the driver or even the shortest flat putter effortlessly, freely, with loosen up wrists, arms and shoulders. Relax, and breath out as I go make the swing. Not to swing so hard like I want to hit and break a wall or something. But the mindset plays a very big part in this. Change is hard. Changing or breaking a bad habit is bloody hard. I'm now instilling the idea or notion that less is more. Loose is power. Tightness is limiting. Grip the club like I'm holding a bird on its neck. I don't want to be responsible in choking a poor bird. I want to make birdies, not killing birds. And this sort of funny mental ingraining is very essential in keeping it intact.

Number two, the secret that I've overlooked, or blindly not knowing over the years is, a good golf swing is a lower body driven kind of swing. Not the upper body. Certainly not the wrist and arms. True, the arms starts the backswing, coiling for power, in my right hip and glute. But, it's the left hip that starts the down swing, hence the accuracy and effortless power. All those big muscles, not small small muscles. Golf is similar to tennis in some ways but definitely opposite of badminton where it get all wristy.

Number three, all these years, I've referred or should I say, mimicking those swing I saw in the television week in week out. I was trying to copy the feel of my golf idols, Luke Donald and Ian Poulter with the idea at the back of my mind, that if that works for them, it should work for me too. Well, one thing I've realized this late, golf swing is a unique set of body parts' movements. It may varies from one person to another. Yes, the fundamentals are the same but, it shouldn't be that rigid. There's no such thing as a textbook swing. Every swing is personally tailored for that particular golfer. It all depends on each player's flexibility, athleticism, the potential during that particular period of time, how fast they can grab the whole idea of swinging and of course height and strength.

What we should be looking for is, the best swing that works for every each of us. The swing that easy for us to do on the course every Sunday, the safest injury free kind of swing and the best part of it, the most effective swing for us during that particular period of time. I'm saying this because, every golfer has a progression in their career as they go along. Those pros, they are not as good as they are now, lets say 3 years back. What I'm trying to say, that swing is fit for me, three years back, and I was all happy. It worked totally fine back then. But we are human, endowed and blessed the capability to adapt and improve ourselves that makes us to keep learning and improving our swing. We are so designed to adapt as we go along and rising up our expectations is a bi-product of learning. What we need to do is keep looking for that middle ground or balance point where it delivers our desirable shot yet not compromising safety and accuracy. I was swinging my 5 iron to reach the 100 meters marker at the range three years ago and now I've reduced it to 9 iron. Better impact position, better ball striking, faster swing speed or many other factors that contributed to that one thing, distance. But again, golf is not all about power and distance. It's a game where smarter people excels. During that time, my expectations were different. A golf round with a hundred over score with more than a dozen balls used was totally fine for me. But not anymore. Now I want to lower down my score and complete 18 holes using only 2 balls at most. Because I'm a normal human being with a brain that capable to learn. And for that reason, my potential also keep increasing from time to time.

Which is why I love so much about this game. I'm starting to believe that golf isn't just a game. It's a cult, a culture, and even a lifestyle. For me, it's a tool to indicate my self improvement progression over the years. And the best part of it, it incorporated in other parts of my life. I'm more patience, composed, a bit more of a planning kind of person instead of a rushing stuff quickly kind of guy. Golf matures me over the years. Because in golf, every shot counts. And we are all thinking of those shot to make every time. We put an effort to plan and manage the swing. That's the good thing about golf. I'm not saying it doesn't offer any cons or flaws. It does. It is never enough in golf. Every time I hit a perfect shot, I've always want to try to "perfecter" the perfect. I know, as silly as it sounds, but that's the problem about me and something that I have to manage. Being content and less contentious over my already perfect swing :P Because when I want to "perfecting" the already perfect shot, lets say I'm saying to myself I want to hit it further and longer, and there's the point where dozens of problems creep in. When we want to hit longer, our subconscious mind will automatically tell us and our muscles to swing harder which of course, tensed up the muscles and the number one source towards a bad fat hitting the ground first kind of golf swing :(

I do really hope that I can reach and extend my potential and enjoy my game every weekend as I've already put a lot of time and effort in improving my swing as good as my self personally. Fingers crossed.

manliness through wisdom

I've been very quiet for the past few months. believe me, there's no one else to blame but me. regret to inform you that I'm still very much struggling with my long last antagonist in this very life, my BFF, Mr. Procrastination. sigh~

but still, I do feel obliged to write and update about..some stuff. despite I feel like there's nothing new, nothing exciting to talk about. this blog was meant for kindness and virtues, a platform for moral and conscience conundrum unfolding. but I do seem like I'm running out of my wisdom, right?

anyway, Insyirah is three months old and nine days by now. she's getting bigger, heavier and prettier day by day. and smarter too :) and she looks like me too! the hair, the eyes, the eye lashes, her fingers, her ears, the smirks, her feet, everything. she is so me. I like the idea of her looking very much like me. but there's always a little bit of my wife in her. the love. reminds me of many things. 

so what now? I got a good job enough to pay the bills, Insyirah is smart enough to watch cartoons and laughs bout it, soon my wife's going to be transferred here in KL (insyaAllah), my golf game is never been better, my sister is back in  herself now, my dad quits his job and grills potatoes for us for dinner, my mom is still my mom and still bake cookies for this coming festive holidays, everything is so perfect right now. 

but me being me, I'm always looking for something else. like there's always something else out there more than this, more to it. like there's no enough to all this. like there's something missing. like a puzzle. a piece of me that still lacking. for me to be better of it. it's like being Bruce Wayne but not Batman the Dark Knight. it's like being just Robin, not Batman. it's like I'm incomplete. I have no idea what it is. but I'm going to find out.

am I not happy? how can I not be happy with all I've got and for all I am today. it's not an issue of happiness or being grateful for all the blessings that have been smothering me. it's an issue of being what I'm suppose to be. what I am designed for. fulfilling the destiny, the dream, the idea that MCKK has etched on me. being good is never enough. we have to be great. be the gentlemen, the white knight, like what it is written on our coat of arms, fiat sapienta virtus, manliness through wisdom. it's an issue of me being a man, man of many things, that sums one thing. a wise man.

I think I need to sit back and think about this missing piece of me that remains illusive. I need to contribute more to the others. to the society. to the people. but I don't know the medium or in what form can I contribute mutually best for me and for the others.

well, it's always hard being me. my patience and inner strength are like iron steel. being plain different is not easy. always pushing myself to be everything, even something that I will never be.