helo love. same old same old. i've been reading a couple of books recently. one of them is called the "personality plus" by Florence Littauer. a bit old school one but it will do good to you if you read it. it derives on the four quadrants of human temperaments. detailed and can be applied to anyone. the book tells me that i am a "popular sanguine" type of person. and a little bit of "powerful cholerics" blend to it. this is a natural blend of an extrovert, the optimist. sanguine is the talker (which is soo me..i can't even stop talking longer than 5 minutes, and i always feel like it is my duty to fill in the gaps in any conversation) and cholerics is the achiever. sanguine is the "always a child" type and cholerics is the "you have to do it my way, NOW!" type.
the other two temperaments fully elaborated in the book are the "perfect melancholy" and "peaceful phlegmatics". these two types of character project the introvert attitude of people. melancholy is the perfectionist and the phlegmatic always calm and thrives for peace.
nevertheless, i am not going to describe the details of those four temperaments here. i am being absolved from it so that you guys can read it yourselves. it is a very effective book to get to know your character, who you really are, your strengths and weaknesses, what went wrong went you have arguements with other people in your daily environments (seriously), how to identify what kind of temperament a people falls into and so forth. here i want to share my recent dilemma.
in my previous post, the "ifs, buts and maybes", i have once wrote about a complaint that i received from my superior. that i am lacking in sense of maturity, whether it is how i carry myself or in my attitudes, behaviors and paradigms. and things are getting worse, worsen and worsen day by day. as i somehow irritates him, unintentionally and unconsciously - by my way of doings and some of my thoughts and comments. so i tried to relate back what actually went wrong back then. is it me whom all the blames to carry on or he played some part or a role, where he himself just can't get along with me, professionally.
he keep saying mean things, urging me to grow up, making fun of me and accusing me being resistant to change and step into the real world of responsibilities. actually, to be honest some of his words were harsh and rude. but i can take them on my chin. at least, eventhough not in the first attempts. i tried to relate back to my readings. and i found out and convinced that he is a "perfect melancholy". he sets high standards and he just can't stand people like me. we annoy him, in such way that we don't even realize it. i used to believe in him, trusted him that he meant well- trying to develop me. but then, now, slowly i begin to doubt his attention and his methods.
those words just hurt me. it is not that i don't want to grow up. i am growing up. to achieve myself the independence in physically, mentally, socially and emotionally. now all i do just getting on his nerves and pissing him off. all i say seem just don't work out anymore. not for him, at least. he easily misunderstood and got me wrong. and it is getting worrying for me. how am i going to survive in the organization if it stays like this?
but on the contrary, my professional ethics and proactivity say "don't give up". so i did talked to few of my friends in the organization. there are some similarities in their thoughts thrown out. saying that i have to train myself not to do things which annoy the boss. to accommodate him. to compensate my huge so called differences between us. i have to carry myself as what he wants. no compromise. serious, focus and no more goofing around. less talk (which is the hardest part, i think) and sacrificing the "just be myself" theory in me. i always believe that my character is my gifted strengths. an endowment that provides me the ability to adapt and communicate with different level of people. but now, that doesn't seem to work out anymore, isn't it?
so the dilemma now is, to chose to go all out with the character transformation for the sake of my career progression or stick to the ultimate me so that i am always comfortable with who i am and work my way up with whatever it is that i have now. sighs~
i'm now applying the "15 seconds rule", counting 1 to 15 whenever i feel like talking so that i have the ample time to think whether it is necessary to open up my mouth or not. hahaha. funny but i feel like it is a necessity now. i feel like shit when i didn't say what i had in my boggling mind. but slowly, i begin to see that it is ok to not fill in those conversation gaps. it is fine that i don't get to be the center stage anymore. it is cool that i don't get to be the life of the party or the meeting anymore. it's okay..it's hard but it is for the best.
one of the words he said which hurt me most sounded like this, " we feel the bitterness in you. that's part of growing up resistance syndrome. go find yourself a pacifier. we cool?". ouch! no, we are SO not cool..damn!
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