dear God, hear me

i have been overwhelmed by a sad story. i feel so down now. feel like i'm being victimized and being treated unfairly. but who am i to have such skepticism and who am i to be in the position to judge? words and hearsay can not be digested, require filtration and a lot of facts confirmation before taken into consideration especially in the virtue of making decisions.

after all i've done and sacrificed for the organization, and what do i get back? i didn't put too much hope on merits, but demerit instead? well, that's harsh. now, they put me in 6 months probation with series of monitoring and counseling. can you believe that? bite my fingers, i can't believe it myself either.

am i that bad? i tried to deliver what it is expected from me, timely and with conformance to the specification. i tried to stay clean, no quarrels, no bad communication with peers and subordinates. do i deserve such downgrading?

Allahualam..

what now? lets not be such a fuss, bitching around about what happened. be a man, and keep on improving. things that i've learned in the two holy cities. never give up, and maintain a pure heart. avoid finger pointing, admit it it's my shortfall, own it like it is my weakness and never have bad thoughts on people.

patience. come, let us pray for His wisdom so that the truth will prevail, we stay in the straight path and let us not be astray. the truth is, it is never been a fair world.

amin~

why can't people just don't talk bad about other people?

what drives you to write?things come when you expect them the least.i chatted with a female management representative in the organization through facebook in the very odd 5 o'clock in the morning.who has ever thought of that?i got the knocked on my head.such early in the morning.

we started with my recent umrah and ziarah to the two holy lands.then arisen these sort of stories of people talking behind my back, untrue or partially true or other words of it, exxegerrated stories.shame and sad to know that we still have these kind of jokers in the organization.don't they have any better management thing to do that talk about other people?worse, they even discussed about this in my appraisal session.how subjective they were.am i that bad that i don't deserve any credit for what i've done and sacrificed for the company, to even been punished with such accusations?shocking, really shocking such stories they brought.

one word, unfair.totally unfair.Alhamdullilah, i'm back from my umrah and ziarah last week.it was a superb fascinating experience.a priceless one.and surely i learned my things over there.and i was so sad to leave Mecca Al-Mukarramah and to end my soul connecting session with Him.surely, if He grant my prayer, more rezeki from Him, i definitely will visit Him and His Rasul again.


when you are to be seated in front of the Baitullah, you will feel it.like you are so close to Him. during that particular time, you really don't give a damn about merits or appraisal rating 2,bla bla bla.all you care about is your sins and your deeds.that was what i felt, at least.

one more thing i learned there, forgive and forget in grace.we should forgive people for whatever zalim stuff they've done to you.if He, the merciful can repent and cleanse people from their sins, no matter how bad they've sink in the bloody swamp of sins, why can't you follow His steps of mercy, grace and honesty?

well, that is exactly what i'm trying to do. forget about all those people.move on.forgive them and always have good thoughts on people.never skeptical, never talk bad about them.insyaAllah~ more pictures in my flickr photo page. www.flickr.com/photos/kukubal

moving again or moving on?

i heard rumors that i am gona be transfered again soon. don't know, not sure when exactly but the hearsay was strong saying Senai will be my new home.
back to the operations?yes, i'm going back to the operations. why? have no idea. perhaps, it is time for me to move on from maintenance. i suffered a lot here in maintenance Sarawak. and i did learned a lot too. but then, another move after nearly just only two years here? there's must be a reason. one, they don't want me here anymore or two, some people at somewhere need me more than the people here, which is in this case; Senai people. will this be beneficial to me or am i just another black sheep or scape goat in some shit cycle to solve someone else's problem? yes, i am single, very mobile and high adaptability. but is it really necessary for me to move? i mean, later of course yes, but now? don't you think it's kind of too early to be relocated?
i will celebrate my milestone in the organization this august. only to reach my 3rd employment anniversary and i have already transfered twice and soon it is going to hit number three. shit, it's tiresome. packing, moving, settling back down, start all over again, new place, new faces.
i'm just..exhausted. that's all..

speed of trust

i have been away for quite sometimes and i think it is high time for me to write something in here.i feel obliged to write albeit the sluggishness. :) nothing much to update,really. but hey, i go back home every weekend nowdays. like old times sake when i was in penang. yeah, it costs, a lot but i guess there's nothing much there in kuching that have me fond.

my relationship with my superior?hmm~devastating.one word.thousands stories.it's personal now, and gone beyond professionalism, i guess. but what actually went wrong? i screwed up, yes, i did. he's micromanaging? a bit. i had my thoughts on this and i scrutinied it to one word. TRUST. the trust between us is no longer like what we have established when i was first adopted into his team.
when trust is decreasing, it costs higher and slows things down. the communications deteriorated, both of us keep labelling ourselves, lacking of integrity, talk bad on each other behind our backs, things like that. he misinterpreted almost what i said and got them all flat out wrong. it is really discouraging and wearing me down.

now that i've identified the root cause, what's next? the real challenge is not just wacking the roots instead of plucking the thousand leaves. it's the follow through, the fertilizing and watering part of the plant. sort of. first, apologize. bow low to the fartest. only the strong can have a sincere apologing manner. i somehow doubt that he will return the favour but, let's skip that part. if i am sincere, insyAllah he will do the same thing. second, action speaks louder than hailer. i have to prove him wrong. and we will see how things go by.

if i regain the trust, have it repaired, and have it fully restored, i will be back on track. i foresee things will be expedited. people says if you have violated the trust given, distrust, it is almost impossible to get fixed. i read the book "speed of trust" by Covey. it emphasized that it is can be achieved.

have faith, and never give up..i am bold, but the character is just too harsh for the boss. sorry..hehe..

new face same place

after a year of long writings, i think it is time to change the mood, the color and the layout. the concept might looks the same but the color settings are a little bit toned down, pastel, pantone, sort of.

why breaking the habits? i chose "truth hurts" and "breaking the habits" as the theme drive due to the recent paradigm shift i had been going through. been consumed by the deep conceptual writings of Covey's 7th habits of highly effective people lately. my aim is now to achieve my so called "private victories" and then propel it towards "public victories" by breaking up with same old lame habits - routines that have been dragging me backwards all this while. i am in the midst of change and vibration coming out from the change wave can never be as promising as this.

truth hurts? truth is always mean. infallibly. after all i have been through in the year of 2008, hence i can sum up with is truth is always mean but it guarantees you the end results with full of honesty. dare to speak the truth. or will you suffer on the consequences, suffocated.

so there you go..enjoy the new layout. for the rest of the year. considerably. InsyAllah..

career or the personality?

helo love. same old same old. i've been reading a couple of books recently. one of them is called the "personality plus" by Florence Littauer. a bit old school one but it will do good to you if you read it. it derives on the four quadrants of human temperaments. detailed and can be applied to anyone. the book tells me that i am a "popular sanguine" type of person. and a little bit of "powerful cholerics" blend to it. this is a natural blend of an extrovert, the optimist. sanguine is the talker (which is soo me..i can't even stop talking longer than 5 minutes, and i always feel like it is my duty to fill in the gaps in any conversation) and cholerics is the achiever. sanguine is the "always a child" type and cholerics is the "you have to do it my way, NOW!" type.

the other two temperaments fully elaborated in the book are the "perfect melancholy" and "peaceful phlegmatics". these two types of character project the introvert attitude of people. melancholy is the perfectionist and the phlegmatic always calm and thrives for peace.

nevertheless, i am not going to describe the details of those four temperaments here. i am being absolved from it so that you guys can read it yourselves. it is a very effective book to get to know your character, who you really are, your strengths and weaknesses, what went wrong went you have arguements with other people in your daily environments (seriously), how to identify what kind of temperament a people falls into and so forth. here i want to share my recent dilemma.

in my previous post, the "ifs, buts and maybes", i have once wrote about a complaint that i received from my superior. that i am lacking in sense of maturity, whether it is how i carry myself or in my attitudes, behaviors and paradigms. and things are getting worse, worsen and worsen day by day. as i somehow irritates him, unintentionally and unconsciously - by my way of doings and some of my thoughts and comments. so i tried to relate back what actually went wrong back then. is it me whom all the blames to carry on or he played some part or a role, where he himself just can't get along with me, professionally.

he keep saying mean things, urging me to grow up, making fun of me and accusing me being resistant to change and step into the real world of responsibilities. actually, to be honest some of his words were harsh and rude. but i can take them on my chin. at least, eventhough not in the first attempts. i tried to relate back to my readings. and i found out and convinced that he is a "perfect melancholy". he sets high standards and he just can't stand people like me. we annoy him, in such way that we don't even realize it. i used to believe in him, trusted him that he meant well- trying to develop me. but then, now, slowly i begin to doubt his attention and his methods.

those words just hurt me. it is not that i don't want to grow up. i am growing up. to achieve myself the independence in physically, mentally, socially and emotionally. now all i do just getting on his nerves and pissing him off. all i say seem just don't work out anymore. not for him, at least. he easily misunderstood and got me wrong. and it is getting worrying for me. how am i going to survive in the organization if it stays like this?

but on the contrary, my professional ethics and proactivity say "don't give up". so i did talked to few of my friends in the organization. there are some similarities in their thoughts thrown out. saying that i have to train myself not to do things which annoy the boss. to accommodate him. to compensate my huge so called differences between us. i have to carry myself as what he wants. no compromise. serious, focus and no more goofing around. less talk (which is the hardest part, i think) and sacrificing the "just be myself" theory in me. i always believe that my character is my gifted strengths. an endowment that provides me the ability to adapt and communicate with different level of people. but now, that doesn't seem to work out anymore, isn't it?

so the dilemma now is, to chose to go all out with the character transformation for the sake of my career progression or stick to the ultimate me so that i am always comfortable with who i am and work my way up with whatever it is that i have now. sighs~

i'm now applying the "15 seconds rule", counting 1 to 15 whenever i feel like talking so that i have the ample time to think whether it is necessary to open up my mouth or not. hahaha. funny but i feel like it is a necessity now. i feel like shit when i didn't say what i had in my boggling mind. but slowly, i begin to see that it is ok to not fill in those conversation gaps. it is fine that i don't get to be the center stage anymore. it is cool that i don't get to be the life of the party or the meeting anymore. it's okay..it's hard but it is for the best.

one of the words he said which hurt me most sounded like this, " we feel the bitterness in you. that's part of growing up resistance syndrome. go find yourself a pacifier. we cool?". ouch! no, we are SO not cool..damn!

ifs, buts and maybes

i was enjoying a good run of time recently..spending my lavish time in Kuching. well, i had some issues of concerning maturity as i argued with my boss. it's regarding a blunt accusations i got from the management saying that i am lacking sense of menhood. ah, frankly it couldn't get any frank than that. the word "immature" is harsh. too much on me. and it's killing me. but i'll live..no worries..they going to need a better term than that if they are to challenge me. (that's the spirit! :p)

ran some shows and ball game on girls. unlucky them they are best friends..hahaha..nevertheless, the showmanship was rather effective and charming that i am always at my best at giving thoughtful thoughts, influencing people around me. especially on things pertaining love life, relationship and managing expectations on people. unfolding their sophisticated tangling concerns...it was.

of course all those phrases were well constructed with ifs, buts and maybes..and i have been watching a lots of movie lately. so i am going to list down all those catchy words of wisdom here. some i got from movies, some i learned from people and some from my very personal life experience. i'm going to start with lesson # 5 like mambo number five.

5. you ought to learn how to draw the double solid lines (not dotted, not dashed lines) segregating between black and white. no such thing as shaded / grey area.
meaning = you have to be firm when it comes to feelings and making decision. and act like one..

6. truth hurts and waiting is devastating = say it even if will cost your life..because u'll never know the very resourceful outcome out of it..and sometime you have to make a move, as the initiator, instead of sitting and wait.

7. sacrifice is what we need to deliver whatever it takes, and do whatever it takes to sacrifice..i have no idea what it means...hahaha.

8. theatrics are the essence and the form of deception ; quoted from Rahs Al Gul in Batman Begins when he taught Bruce Wayne to be a ninja = don't trust anyone especially your girlfriend / boyfriend...hahahaha.

9. obsession is a young man's game ; quoted from John Cutter the Engineur of the Great Danton (it's French and it's complicated) in The Prestidge = what makes a man a truly men is how he controls his temper and using his temperament as a strength. knowing when to accelerate and knowing when to push the big red stop button. you are the MD/CEO of yourself sdn bhd!

10. when you are good at something, never do it for free ; quoted from Joker in The Dark Knight when he introduced himself in front of the mob bosses = basically its about relishing your potential and strength.

so, think bout them..they might come handy to you one day..last but not least here's a line from The Professor played by Christian Bale (one of my favorite actor) in movie The Prestidge when he "dismantled" a magic trick of his profession rivalry cum fellow apprentice, The Great Danton played by Hugh Jackman.." go easy on the poor chap, he does try too very hard"..

i think what its saying is, in my understanding, just be yourself, because that is the only time you are at your best..