Friday, 29 January 2010

expensive hobby

i have a new hobby. and it's addictive but expensive. it costs. and i'm still learning. it looks simple but never easy. no worry, i keep telling myself, practice makes perfect, buddy.
all in all, i love the game, the hobby. it challenges me. to focus, to stay steady. it's fun despite the heat, the blurry, sunburn, kind of nasty.
time flies, so hasty that i didn't realize i am already so into this, so crazy. it's like a therapy away from all the problems, just by walking and standing for 3.5 hours on average, effortlessly.
whatever it is, i like the way it is played, the concept, the ethics, the technique, the precision, the hobby.

Saturday, 23 January 2010

alter the ending

do we really know where do things lead to or how are things suppose to end? deep down we know that everything is already written but yet here we are trying our best, trying too hard to determine the outcomes. whatever it is, we all limited to just be able to plan but in the end, it is God who decides and dictates what's the story and how it's going to reach its end.

i have a good run of days recently. everything turns out to be good. everyday is a good weather. i hear good news most of the time. everything, every details are starting to turn out be all well. and i am all happy. am so grateful to God that my patience is starting to deliver its result. my positive attitudes, they helped. i guess there is lights at the end of the tunnel after all. not just my wishful thinking. and all those grass stains on my knees seem to be paid off.

now, i have to be guard from the complacency. don't get too carried away. bigger storms coming. i don't want the shrek kind of happy stories to end. so soon, so early that it hasn't help my healing process that much. please. don't alter the ending. life is always hard, for the belle of the boulevard.

Thursday, 14 January 2010

twenty seven

i am getting older. i am going to be twenty seven in two months and few days ahead. man, i'm old. every year i always buy myself a self satisfaction kind of birthday present. last year's present was a pair of timberland shoes and it was an acoustic guitar for the previous year. this year's? hmm, not sure yet. maybe a new mp3 player or an ipod would be nice. hehe. whatever it is, the number is getting bigger and approaching number three zero. and i noticed i have wrinkles around my eyes when i smile or laugh! judging from the picture above, tell me that i am not that old! please! sigh~

Saturday, 9 January 2010

reader's discretion is advised

i feel like i need to write this. i need to clarify that this blog page is never meant to criticise anyone. it is not to judge any soul. it's never meant to hurt anyone. this page is meant to inspire good, a platform of sharing, a medium of knowledge sharing and insights communication or maybe distribution.

i am so sorry if i ever offended anyone through this very mediocre writings. i want you all readers out there to know that i never come to intention of exploiting this blog as a mean of sarcasm or blunt accusations. not on deliberate. i am all honest about my posts that i want to share whatever i feel like writing and sometimes the words might appear a bit harsh and offensive. but trust me, i meant well.

thus, if you feel like reading them, reader's discretion is highly advised. or maybe sought for. i always hope that i can contribute, at least, via this colourful page. but hey, this is a free country, a borderless world. life is a choice. sometimes we make good choices, sometimes they turned out to be not so decent.

Monday, 4 January 2010

acceptance is essential

do you agree with me if i say all a boy wants from his girl is acceptance? to accept him just the way he is. to trust him and to give the approval he needs in order for him to continue loving. i think that is just normal for a man. we mere mortals with testosterone require so called the encouragement to be able to open up and give the love that our partner need. you see, love or the acts of love are reciprocal. it 's never a one way street. we need stimulus. we all do.

why suddenly come and discuss about this? i myself have no idea. hehe. but i have been thinking. this recent weeks had been a lil bit quiet and it's kind of empty lately. it was good though, it gave me the space to allow myself to sit back and think. think about many things. i guess, there is where the acceptance thing came. lol.

i think we all have to agree on men and women are just different. we are. the way we think, how we cope with our emotional stresses, the way we communicate, how we process info and many other areas in life. to talk about problems and share with friends is an act of friendship or love for the girls. but we men, we don't just simply talk about our problems. we like to withdraw ourself from other things and focus on what's bothering us. sometimes we can be a bit too occupied with it and forget about our other responsibilities, namely giving attention to the loved ones. because, for guys, it's all about the male ego thing. solving a problem is what we do. as leaders, we need to take care of ourselves first before we can even take a good care of others. we thrive on solutions and the ability to solve problem and learn from it. it's like a race for us and it is all about competency. while for the girls, it's the other way around. they like to nurture each other.

that's why men are so into cool gadgets (they meant to solve problems or improve the efficiency on doing things), sports, fast cars, bikes etc. and when we find the solution for our problem and solved it, we go out from our cave and ready to love again. sometimes if we can't find the solution and get stuck, we like to divert our minds from it and do something else, like a sedative, to calm us down. for example reading newspaper or playing video games or even sleep helps a lot. but girls they just can't stop pestering. they need to let it out and torture us with their perspective. they don't get it when men don't want to talk about it and share with them. the more difficult the problem is, the more withdrawn men can be. we will ask your opinion if we want and only when we want to. girls always accused or misinterpret us for being insensitive and lack of love when we don't want to talk about what's bothering us. it's not that we don't want to, we just don't think it is necessary while we still can top it ourselves.

i understand that women find peace and relief through talking. girls, they need assurance. constantly and consistently. to know that they have people around them who care for them. that's why girls ask rhetorical questions over and over again. for us men, one time is just as good as enough. when we tell you that we care about you, means we do care about you. haha. men are simple. we don't dwell on small trivial things. instead we focus on the big chunk, the vital few. i think that's why we normally don't pay that much attention on dates, anniversaries or birthdays.

while girls need caring, boys need trust. oh, you have no idea how much trust means to us. the accepting attitude shows that you trust us. that's why we men normally not comfortable when a girl criticise us and trying too hard to change us. it's not that we don't appreciate your effort to change us as a gesture of love but all we need is you to trust and support us that we will grow and change by ourselves, gradually, eventually. we need girls to accept us just the way we are. i like my partner to have that kind of attitude. it hurts when a girl criticise us for being childish and trying to change our behavior. for us, those show that you don't trust us and you guys think there's something wrong with us. sometimes it is true that we lack on certain things, but it's the way you express or say it make it hard for us to digest. we tend to feel like you think we are broken and your gesture of changing us is an act of fixing us, a broken thing. i think that's why men normally resist change or go defensive on this.

sharing or talking about problems keep girls sane while playing games or sports keep us men sane. talking about past mistakes and previous relationships may be a big topic for you to talk or should i say "gossip" with your friends. but apparently, is a big turn off for guys. you see, when you keep asking about our past, errors, previous relationships - it somehow gives us the sign that you are not accepting us, the way we are, the whole bundle, the package. normally guys don't get comfortable with that while you think you are being caring and all, asking questions.

when you want us to listen to you when you are upset on certain things especially those things that have something to do with us like things we did or we haven't done yet (compared to your friends' boyfriends, hehe), it hurts when you express it in such ways especially when it sounded like you were blaming us. i know it is almost impossible for us to stop you guys from getting all emotional and no to talk about what is making you upset but sometimes there are things you should learn to keep it to yourself or try to calm down and be rational. then we can talk about what bothering you. men easily get angry or hurt during sustaining this very difficult task of listening. boys usually tend to go defensive when a girl nag about her problems and accuse him this and this for things which isn't even true at all or it was just the girl dealing with her dilemma or something like that :)

i understand feelings are essential for girls. true, they always want to express their feelings. whatever it is burning inside them. anger, frustration, sadness, worry etc. but coping with all you worrywarts is just not pleasant at all. it's difficult when you keep questioning about the same thing over and over again. i think it's kind of normal for a guy to be worn out from this, after sometime. deep inside in every guy there's a knight in shinning armor who is in loved with his princess. but if the princess keep telling him what to do, what he shouldn't do, what he should have done, nagging him the "other" way of doing things, over and over again - eventually the knight grows tired and forget to shine his armor and to sharpen his sword and stop caring. that's the metaphor how exhausting it can be for a boy, coping with his girl's emotional stress.

finally, encouragement is also significant for men. we all need our partner to keep supporting us in everything we do, every decision we make, everything we care for. admiration is also an encouraging attitude that men normally look for in a girl. for me, to admire means to trust and approve that i can do my very best and again to trust that i'm capable of taking care of my girl. it is just how things work for us.

my advice, try to look at the brighter side of us. see the good things. what we have done and sacrificed for you rather than what we have not done yet. try to comprehend that there's nobody perfect in this world and we all make mistakes. and furthermore, you guys are not so perfect after all. full of flaws. our differences or we being different from each other is a beautiful thing actually that created by God. He wants us to learn about and learn from each other and keep loving each other.

okay, now i'm tired of writing. i want to sleep and forget that i've ever wrote this. man, i'm so bored. sigh~

Friday, 1 January 2010

2010 finally arrived

i once said to a friend of mine that there are things better left unsaid and unfortunately goodbye is one of them. i hate saying goodbyes. but good things always have their sad endings. hehe. last night i bid my sad farewell to 2009 with all the memories rekindled.

i tried to think back from day one to yesterday of what had happened and what i've gone through. man, apparently there are too many to list them down here. there were happy hours, bright moments, dark minutes, sad moments, moments of truth, wasted days, sickening days, weeks of learning, months of suffering, and of course hours of traveling. lots of them. i think by conclusion i spent almost half of the year on traveling only. hehe. what a exhausting year i had!

2009 was a year of expanding learning curves. i learned a lot last year. in many areas, i've developed myself and at some point to the very limit that i didn't expect i could have reached. every year i've set a list of targets and goals that i want to achieve within that year endeavors. this year is no different. but i want to write it down here, so that i can obliged myself to it more effectively like a self enduring contract. after few hours of thinking, i think i've came out with few goals that i want to share them here. there are few others in the list but they are too personal to be posted in a public blog post. i'm not a public enemy like johnny depp, don't get me wrong. heck it goes like these :
  1. i will not bear ill thoughts toward anyone
  2. i shall not fear anybody,and i shall only fear Allah
  3. i will not make excuses and i will not blame others
  4. i want to forgive myself and everybody, everytime everyday
  5. i will bow down low and be humble despite the knowledge that i acquired
  6. i want to hold my chin up, head high and keep smiling despite the challenges i faced
  7. i shall conquer truth by truth
  8. and in resisting untruth, i shall put up with all suffering
  9. to say thanks in some way, every day
  10. i will help others and continue helping and reaching out to others, people that i care and love the best i can, regardless
the list goes on and on. but i prefer to keep them to myself. i like to think that there's nothing in this world, nothing else meaningful to live and to be lived other than be good to myself and others. goodbye 2009 and hello 2010. welcome. another year of enduring, another adventure. be nice to people, be humble and keep learning. there's no end in learning. we are all an eternal student of ourselves. life is too short to be wasted.