Sunday, 17 January 2016

Keeping It Platonic


If appealing is the definition to give to the word just by the spelling and the pronunciation, it is indeed a good association. Isn't it catchy and intriguing? The word itself , is already non ideal, non parochial. It's melodic and can work as a "tonic" to make it as memorable as it gets.

Well, that works out very well isn't it? At least by it's definition. At least for me, it is.

What is it all bout being platonic? Some says that it is kinda relationship between a boy and girl, so weird that the vibes are all positives but there's no real string attached whatsoever. It's like, I-like-being-friends-and-talking-with-you-but-I-don't-want-you kinda relationship.

Keeping it platonic. As catchy and intriguing as it sounds, having or trying to maintain a platonic relationship is equally never an easy task. It is not a religiously straight forward concept to uphold. Well, conceptually it is already a mess.

Some says it's a eccentric kinda close relationship, close enough to say " I don't want you, FYI".

But then, all the mushy elements in that particular friendship do exist only to lack the sexual perspective of it. Can this be possible?  I sense this will devour me, subconsciously, without me realizing it.

However, as oxymoron as it sounds, as deeply confusing as it sounds, I am still intrigued to meet her. I do. Meeting this girl is the "primera objectivo" for me for the time being, this very much particular period of time.

I do want to meet this girl, personally. Period.

I want her to get to know me. Vice versa. I want to unlock, unfold this "travesura", I'm interested to learn more bout her. Very. I crave to lean myself towards learning on what it is that makes this girl. Who is this girl who makes me want to be bad. I want to do this so bad, in a very bad boy kinda way. Sometimes I feel I want to get bad, for her I am nasty. Me pones como loco, por ti me pongo mal. That sounds crazy, right?

Coming back to being platonic. I don't know whether it is a good idea. Whether to keep it that way. Well, honestly I don't know what I want. LOL.

But one thing for sure this what I want. Learning bout each other. Stepping out from the existing boundary of these annoying restrictive textings zone. It's suffocating.

I want her to understand me, my complications, how complicated I am, my difficulties, how difficult to be me, how it is not easy to be with me, with all the history, my circumstances, my status quo, my children. I want her to know that it is okay, to be associated with someone like me. And in my deepest sincerity, I feel like pouring her with all the love within my possession. Which I doubt such exists.

At the same time I don't want her to know that there's a possibility of us liking each other. I don't want to impress her, not intentionally, not when I'm in my full conscious. Which is totally crap, I think. For some unknown ambiguous reasons, I'm beating around the bushes, in my own self created maze, between reality and dream, whether to sweep this girl off her feet or to continue to be in my shitty platonic zones. Estoy perdido. Damn right, I'm lost.

I can't stop thinking about her. I certainly don't want to this to stop.  No quiero dejar de pensar en su. Whatever it is. Sometimes  I feel out of synchronization, lost in my own translations, between my self definition of platonic, and what I really feel. It's like I'm trying to fool her in this "casino royale"-esque poker game of love, that I'm up for the challenge, with all the cards on the table. It's a perfect picturesque of how 007 got bewildered by Vesper Lynd. Whether it's working or not? I don't know. I got not a single clue. Maybe I'm just fooling around, or I am a fool to set myself for another epic series of self cremation.

There are times I do ask myself why am I putting myself in this cyber torture? Unnecessarily. Is it worth the time, the headache, the heartache. Why? Why do I keep getting myself into silly indescribable trouble, unrelenting, consuming, overwhelming and undoing all the hard work I've put into. Is this going to make me better? A better person, a better man? Will this condemn me into another self inflicting wounds, for wanting someone is not available?

Who is this unfortunate girl? :-P

Well, she is an irresistible soul. A non text book kinda girl, intangible in many ways. Disparate. She got this weird style of describing things, which I find it funny. She makes me unconsciously smile when I read her texts. Fundamentally, she's different. Different enough to get my attentions, distinct enough to get me caught. She keeps getting me in a confusion state of mind, so divergent, far away from what I think it is the "ideal" me and the old unfamiliar wild me. She is contrastive, so in congruent to make me to lose control over myself. Silly things become not silly anymore. She makes me forget many things, suddenly wrong things can be re-positioned, suddenly crazy things are not so crazy anymore. Makes me want to let go. Well, I hold back many things in my life, stacking up to become an unwanted deposition on my shoulders, dragging me backwards. She makes me want to be unstuck. If there's such word. She makes me want to want her. She's my Vesper now. Mi chica ideal.

Ah, crazy. I think I'm going crazy. Y no me puedo contener. And, I can not help myself.

What about her? I wonder how is she doing. Juggling between her "routines" and having me pestering her in daily frequency. I wonder what is she feeling now. Deep inside, I feel bad for putting her in this entangling situation. Maybe she doesn't have to be in this mess. For all what she is having now. All these nuisances and deceiving signals I'm sending are not what she's looking for, certainly not even par to what she's experiencing now.

Why am I putting her into this? Getting her to think hard, between what she already has and what I can possibly offer. Should I continue or shall I embrace the idea of retreating-is-not-so-bad kinda idea? Well, whatever it is, I hope we both will not regret it. Whatever the outcomes, the end. Hmmm. Exhale, deep purging kinda exhales.

Okay, before I go on and on, pointless, senseless, and hopelessly relentlessly effortlessly making myself more stupid than I already am, I better stop this. Let me continue to sink myself, down in my own platonic cyber relationship. Some things in this life you don't get it twice. And this is one of them. Tu amigo, loco kukubal.