Friday, 11 April 2014

Living It Best

Salam. I know. It's been ages since I last posted in here. It's been almost a year now. So many things happened in a year, even I lost track on the changes myself.

Firstly, Insyirah is going to be a year older by the end of this month. She will be two years old then. Time flies, and watching her grows everyday is the best thing to do after having her in this world was one of the best things that happened in my life. And she has a younger brother now named Furqan. Furqan was born last year, end of June to be precise. And having another breathing human being with my name as his last name is another blessing that I am so grateful for. My son, the heir of my throne.

Secondly, I just got divorced. I know, that just spoiled it all. After all the good things in the previous two paragraphs. Well, I've been wanting to write bout this much much sooner, a lot sooner than this. To express what I felt during the process, over a period of time. It when on for few months until we finally settled in court and reached sort of a mutual agreement, on the children custodies and many other things. Well, divorce is never a good thing. Never easy. And mutual was hardly in it. It was a fair and mutual kind of setlement, I think. For me, at least. Each of us get a custody for one of the children. Insyirah stays with me in the capital. Furqan stays with his mother in JB. I gave her the  visitation right, unlimited, unsupervised and vice versa. She can come and visit or take Insyirah overnight. I'm planning to do the same with Furqan but decided to postpone it until he is slightly older. He needs his mother most. Too young to stay overnight without his mother.

It is not that I don't want it, god knows how bad I want to have my son sleeping over, but the timing is not just right. Not yet. I love my son and daughter equally. Not more not less.

Both of them are not the same, in my observations, limited but sure enough I know that my children have different set of being. The way they sleep, the way they look at me, the way they were born, the behaviour, the way they cried for any reason, everything. Same blood running in their veins, but different in many ways. But I love them the same. Irony.

I tried to be as fair as I can. For her, the children, my parents in law, my parents, everybody but never to myself. All my life I tried to be fair and work my best to please most people, if not everybody. Well, self sacrificing has become my repertoire lately. I guess having children changed me as a person. In a good way, of course. That I always put them infont of anything, and I will do anything that I can think of, everything in my might and within my knowledge to give them the best. Best kind of living. Anything. Even if I have to starve or die.

Okay, what really happened? What were the causes? Personally, I think let's just put it this way. Two adults just can not be together anymore, under one roof, as husband and wife. Maybe it's our fate that it only lasted for three years. That it is already written this way. Knowing me, always strive for positiveness, that I look it as a process to make me as a better person. Do not get me wrong, like I said, divorce is not a good thing, never will be, and shall not be an alternative in the first place, but I always believe that this is all within His plans. Everything happens for a reason. Anything. And my divorce is no stranger to it. It is true, that divorce is allowed in our religion but never a good thing. He hates it most. And so do I.

Why do I hate it? Because it's a failure. My failure. And god, I hate it so bad that I know, this will affect my children. If not mentally, emotionally. Sooner or later. Eventually. Or maybe it is happening. I don't know. I can not tell. It's too early. But it affected me.

Everynight when I put Insyirah to bed, it gets me to think, like, f***, what have I done?! Always ask myself that is this the right thing to do? Could I've done any better? Save the marriage. For the children? The two people that I claimed so bad to be my utmost priority in my whole entire universe. Is this a good thing, having two siblings living and growing separately? Am I greedy to take Insyirah away from her mother? Am I cruel to leave Furqan unattended? What about his unbalanced upbinging?!

Thousand and one questions keep bugging me. Every night. Without miss. Speaking of miss, god! I miss my son. It's been over a month since I held him in arms.

Well, life. This is life. My life. My fate. My challenges. To raise a kid, without her mother. To miss another one, every single day. To live and to sleep with all these burdens, not knowing what will happen tomorrow, breathing remorses and doubts, worrying bout the two people that I love the most.

I hope this all will pass. Albeit I knew that the guilt will always be there. For the rest of my life. Yet, somehow I'm living it best.

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