It Is What It Is

After all these years, after all the dates and the girls (not that I'm proud or bragging of) I've met or communicated with, I still found myself in no man’s land about how they think or what really attracts them. Still clueless, about the DOs and the DON’Ts, how to react smartly or manly if things go sideways, and the list goes on and on.

As you probably know by now, I’m single and back in the dating game. I used to keep doing the wrong things, saying the wrong things, to say them inappropriately or ill-timely kind of things. Or acting needy, insecure, totally no self-control, blurting everything on the table, or being too nice like a therapist, or an emotional tampon to the girls, or projecting too much affection, over pursuing, talking my way towards liking her. Becoming the “mangina” or the male girlfriends. Weak, rushing and boyish.

You see, all these beta male behaviours really didn’t get me anywhere with girls.

Well, they said repetition is the mother of all skills. Rinse, cycle, and repeat. Doing something over and over again until we really be good at it, and get good things out of it. And they also said, you need to get to the noses in order to get to the asses. LOL. I just made that up. The truth is, we need to get the NOs before we get the YESes.

So, am I saying that I finally get it by now? Well, not entirely. But slowly bit by bit I’m getting on it. It is much better now. That's for sure. 

And somehow, my daughter Insyirah and having her in my life really helps. It “accelerates” the learning process and absorption speed to the next level.

Oh wait, how is this have anything to do with courtship? Why the 4 years old girl got anything to do with THE game? Well, allow me to cuddle you with the elaboration, like I always do. Like the way I always do best :-P

Believe me dear reader(s), buckle up as this might take a while. Somos listos? Vamos!

Having a daughter and raising her teach me about the dynamic relationship between a girl and her father, or whoever the father figure during her growing up years. It doesn’t necessarily need to be a biological father. But in my case, I’m the biological father and ALSO the only parent she has most of the times. Her mother is living 300 plus kilometers away, and our daughter spends bulk of her growing days and hours with me and my parents. I can see that I’m her hero, the mountain, the sun, that unmovable roots and for her I am the alpha male, the centred male figure, someone she can look up to, someone she adores most, her core, her everything. It’s natural, in a sense, it’s effortless, and I didn’t have to crack my head to be those and she doesn’t have to think or to learn those. It is what it is. Es destino que no nos puede separar. It is destined like that, and things are flowing and she will continue to grow under my guidance, and nurturing (since I have to take up her mother’s role to be the motherly figure) while I will continue to grow old learning new things everyday bout parenting, just by having her around in my life, which the best thing that can happen to any dad.

Insyirah is a very smart girl, an independent sassy and mature girl way ahead of her age. She knows bout her parents, she knows bout what’s going on, and she did well to understand the situation, and she adapts well, juggling her schedules between me and going back to visit her mother and brother. She knows where she is standing, she knows what her roles are as a daughter, and I can see that she just knows what to say and what to do in those complicated moments. And my god, we are talking about a 4 and a half year old kid, mind you.

Every day she knows what to do, her routine, she knows how to keep herself occupied, being the only child in the house. She likes to color, and to draw. She acts like she doesn’t really need me to be around twenty four seven, but when I got back from work, she will greet me at the door and runs towards me, asking for the self-validation, the love, the assurance, the manly presence. We usually continue chit chat about what she learned on that particular day at school, what did she had for lunch, did she had an ice cream after school, whether Johan (a boy at school, and yes, I know! They are supposed to be in a kindergarten and remain four years old!) teased her at school, or did Arissa (probably one of her best friends at school since she keeps mentioning her) gave her the new Frozen stickers again and so forth. I just keep asking the questions, and let her babbling about the details and those too much info or TMI stories over and over. I literally did nothing. I keep asking questions from what she answered. And repeat. Rinse, cycle, and repeat, remember? When she had all she wanted to say heard, or she feels heard, she will stop and jump down and run away.

Same goes when she plays with her second cousins, Danish and Qaisara. She usually will be the one being teased and she bursts into tears every time this happens. Guess what? When it happens, she will run towards me, and ask me all those questions, the typical why and why those two kids said such things and bla bla bla. When I comforted her and she feels better, she will jump down from my arms, and run back to the siblings and continue playing. She will say, “Okay, I want to continue playing with Abam Nish and Kak Omei” or continue to finish her colouring or continue whatever she was doing before. She will hop off from my lap and run away and resume her things. 

Sometimes, I even had to beg her to give a kiss. Imagine that, I am her father, her core, her mountain, what not, and yet I had to ask for a little act of love from my own 4 year old girl?? Sometimes, she does it, sometimes she just shrugs me off and ignores me. I was like, seriously?? But I never take it personally. That really hit me hard. Every time. Without fail. But somehow, it teaches me something, every time.

And WOW! And there and then, that was when the magic moment kicks in. And now, I know. Like really really understand this shit. Girls are like that! Nothing personal, but they are just born like that.

It is scientifically proven that the dynamic is the same when a girl gets into a romantic relationship with a boy. She will act and react towards him exactly how she grows up with her father. She tends to look for the same qualities. She tends to dislike or at least be able to see the things that are lacking in that boy’s core, his values, and etc. And it is not her fault if she expects or having a set of expectations of how the boy to treat her. Because she is so accustomed to this. She is used to this. Same goes to my daughter. Any girl for that matter. Insyirah will come to me at her will. Whenever she feels like, wherever she wants to. At her own PACE, SPACE and TIME. She doesn’t need me to say the magic three little words or the famous four letter word all the time. She will ask for it whenever she wants it, when she feels like the need to hear it from me. Other than that, she will continue to be her space, doing things she likes. Without me or me pestering her. I love it when I pretend to be a nosy little boy, tickling her, distracting her, just trying to get into her way especially when she is watching her cartoons in YouTube. She hates me when I do that. And I’ll usually stop when she about to cry or when my mom yells at me to stop! LOL.

Now, you see, a girl doesn’t want us boys to say nice things to her all the time. Let alone saying that we like them, right away in the first date. They know it. It is like a common sense to them. But not to us. They do not need us to say that we like them to know it. They are trained to read the signs, our body languages, both our verbal and non-verbal signs, the glow in our eyes, the tone when we talk on the phone, how we text, the frequency of our text, the speed of our reply, simply EVERYTHING. The fact that we ask them out, they know straight away that we are into them.

Girls or women, go on dates to see what it is about the guy, what is he made of. Not to be in a relationship straight away. Guys go on dates to lock the girl into labels and commitment. It takes more than that to get them in love, to have them emotionally engaged. We got to balance it all. Between too much and not enough.

This is actually unavoidable since men are meant to break barriers, achieving goals in life, to provide, etc. It comes together with the ego as a package. Oh well. Hehe. Meanwhile women are meant to receive, to bond, to nurture, to love and to trust. I'm not being sexist here but just stating my observations and what I've learned over the years. 

They said, women are like cats and men are like dogs. Dogs are loyal, they like it when people show affection to them, and they run after the bone people throw for them to chase. They go nuts when people pet them, or have them pampered. They show it straight away that they like it and love their master who smothered them with affections. And dogs are loyal to their masters. But women on the other hand, are like cats, a curious creature. How many times when we chase a cat and they stop and let us hold them like dogs? Yeah, exactly, ZERO! Si, nunca!

They usually walk in circle, lurking, stalking, analysing, and don’t be surprised if you see a cat comes and rubs her fur at someone’s feet and that person is the one in the whole room who paid least attention to it. Basically a girl, needs to feel safe, and sure that they guy is good enough for her in order to help her to grow more, and be better. She doesn’t need another younger brother, for her to babysit. She doesn’t have time to wait for the guy to grow into the man she hopes him to be. She definitely doesn’t want to teach him about life or how to be a man.

Yes, she wants another sun, to shine and to light her paths. The same mountain like how her dad treats her. The man, who is centred at his core and values, that man who she can always feel safe and assure of herself. She needs a substitute to her dad. A similiar father-esque figure, whom she can rely upon, but in a romantic manner. She looks for another alpha male. Not a boy.

How many times we hear that girls talk about that confidence in men is the sexiest thing that attracts them most above other things? Not money, and definitely not looks. But men, on the other hand are visual creatures. Well, I hate to admit this but it is true. When a guy sees a girl, he knows already whether he likes her or not. If he likes her, he will let the clouds smother him, only to find him day dreaming, wondering on how great the sex will be, how many kids he will have with her, how great the wedding ceremony will be, how adventurous the life growing old will be, simply everything. LOL! For some reason, blame the movies, the chick flicks that we see day in day out for years. In the movie, a boy meets a girl, the boy likes the girl, pursues her, says the typical you-are-the-last-beautiful-girl-on-earth poetic kind of words right away and the girl smiles, he dines her, wines her, buys her flowers, they fall in love, and the boy does more and the girl can’t help herself to fall in love more and more, says to herself "oh well, MAYBE I do like this guy" and they got married and live happily ever after. Oh yes, plain daylight robbery kinda lie. In real life, this doesn’t happen all the time. Seldom there is a maybe case. Probably 90 percent of the times, not the case. Not by chance, not at all. Big bull shit billboard there. Lo siento!

In real life, the only way for a girl to fall for a boy is, the boy to be her mountain. He takes his time, slowly she feels comfortable and more comfortable with him until she knows that she feels safe to be around him. How she felt safe to be around her father. She doesn’t need the wine dine and flower yet. Not just yet. Those vain efforts are usually perceived as bribery for sex. And act of neediness. And over pursuing will definitely turns her off. She only wants him to get to know her. She wants to see whether he is compatible with her for her to open up. To be emotionally engaged. She wants to see what the boy is made of. His values. His aspiration about life. Is he having his shits in life all together? Can he provide? Can he remain composed and unmoved in hard times? If the boy continues to do everything right and timely right, she will continue to feel comfortable with him and feels that she wants more and more. Too much until she is all over him. She will starts to pursue and do all the pursuing. When all these assurance creep in little by little, then only she will brings out the exclusivity topic, the “now what are we” talks. And this probably takes months. Hence, only then, the dines, wines and flowers are permitted. Really, it is what it is. This is how attraction works. The law of attraction.

So for those guys out there reading this, do take your time and do not over pursue. RELAX. Take a thing, one step at a time. Just go out and have fun. This is also scientifically proven that couples who play and do fun physical activities together will naturally bond better. Laughs and jokes around. Nothing serious. Banter, tease and banter. No politics, religions, or ideologies. Save those for your best male buddies during teh tarik session after futsal. Just be yourself. Nothing fancy. Let it flow, naturally, like the streams down the waterfall. It works like a gravity. Over pursuing will only leads to rejection. She will back off, fearing for many things. Over pursuing or rushing things out only shows the lack of manhood in the guy, that he fears that she will not like him and dumps him. Well, what we fear most, will eventually gets the better of us. Careful there. What if things don't work out? Easy, lick up the wounds, and move on. Continue searching. Remember, it is nothing personal, it is just that she wasn't really into you. Do not be bitter or butt hurt bout it, be a man and continue be nice, and slowly walk away. It is just a numbers game. Purely statistic. Some girls like you, and probably, more do not. 

The objective in any relationship is, for us to give. Without having any expectation, or expecting anything in return. We all should be in any form of relationship with the “to offer” mentality, simply not in “what to get from this” kinda mentality. We all should be in a relationship to grow each other. Or in other words,  we should look for a relationship with someone who wants to share their completeness with us, not to complete each other. And do not get complacent, the courtship never ends! 10 months dating or 30 years marriage? It doesn't matter. The effort is still the same. It doesn't matter what you did good in the past. Always you got to be the gentleman for them to put on their make ups. It is as simple like that.

After all, love is all about giving. The unconditional love. I don’t expect my daughter to say she loves me back every time I say that to her. Or say thank you for all what I’ve done for her. I’m here to give. To give my all, and never expect anything in return. The respect, the love, the appreciation will all come naturally. And a partner who is equally matured and having the same principles will reciprocate accordingly. There's no need to be fearful about that. And hopefully, my daughter and her brother will adopt the same principle. Give from the heart, and know the value of love.

But do not mistaken this giving it all as a weakness. It is not a sign of inadequacy or insecurity. Not even a slight hint.

This is the true strength. A noble sign of self-loving, self-belief, pure sign of honesty, and a great sign of completeness. This is an abundance mentality, not scarcity mentality.

But before we give it all, we need to know how to filter. How to remain composed during the selection process, what to look for, what to avoid and when to stop caring, who, how much and when to invest emotionally etc. I didn’t learn all these overnight. It took me years to finally realize this. It took me countless of heartache, countless of dates, and even a marriage to learn all these. I've been there done that, bought a T-shirt, took a picture and wrote a blog bout it! Kahkahkah. But I live with no regret. I never regret myself marrying my ex wife. She taught me many things in this life. The marriage and the divorce definitely taught me to be a better man. It is just that it didn’t work out, and it was not meant to last longer than it is written to be. Again, it is what it is. Es lo que es. We need to go through the NOs first before we got to the YESes. Go for No because Yes is the inevitable destination, but it is the No is how we get there. Los NOs antes los SIs.

The key is to find someone is equally excited to get know you. Someone who is interesting enough to be interested to invest her time and emotions for you and to learn more about you. It is whether she is interested in you or not.

Oh yes, it is. It's either she likes you or not. Whether you are in or you’re out. She can't choose whether she wants to like you or not. This is not a classic MAYBE or PERHAPS tragedy like in the movies. It doesn’t work that way. Attraction is not an option, guys. Do take note of that. This is not a B rated chick flick movie. This is real life. And in real life experience, we all got to play our cards right, keep them close to our chests in order to keep ourselves in the game, or else, we are out of the game. It is either to out-wait or to be outwitted. Good luck! Buena suerte! Adios.