hierarchy of associates

deriving from the previous post, i'm bound to chalk this out of my mind. last night pyan taught me some insights. that there are few separate mental level of friends in our life. and this can only accessed in our mind.

there are normal friends. there are colleagues at the office. school mates. acquaintances at the gym, at the guitar or piano lesson classes. friends of friends. passerby. and these people reside at the bottom of the long list, and ongoing. the trivial many we call it. they don’t deserve much from me. but, there are, few seats at the helm of the list. where loyal friends stand out. true souls who really understand me. faithful friends who define me and vice versa. someone is capable to compromise as quoted by manao/mache last night, those couldn't afford to see me undone. a brother or a sister like, not blood or genetically related but would rather hurt themselves to even save me from myself. this so called limited vital few are to be maintained. at some point, i begin to settle just for a fixed number as in the seats don't grow. at this age, i pick my bffs. i don't do random anymore. we all go for the selective mode. because, they have to work for it. they did efforts to prove themselves. that they are worth for all my loyalty. it took years for some of them to earn it, to earn me. stood by hand in hand steadfast in all weather. because they know how true i can be to my trusty friends.

sad but true, those seats now filled for years by boys mostly. not many girls can make it to that extend. there were few lucky ones, be able to bring the best out of me, fortunate enough to see the real me, blessed enough to live in my world full of undivided exclusive affections. just propitious enough to feel it. but good things don't last. nothing is permanent. and that's why there's a word called "memory" in the vocabulary. initially i thought that they can maintain their spots. but they screwed up after all the love and warmth i gave to them. i forgive and had them forgiven though, don't get me wrong. who am i not to forgive and not to have mercy.

but there they remained, lay flat at the bottom, to climb up all over again. because sometimes "sorry" is just not enough. because the damage has been done. for me, hurting people intentionally is like driving a nail into the wall. but when you remove the nail, the mark stays as an orifice. you have to work extra to fill in the hole back. depending on the depth. you can't expect a simple sorry can make things better and be the same as it was before. i mean it because you meant it when you did those.

i am a life changer. i affect other people's life. i influence. and i privatize conscience. yes. i am deep. i used to think that people will learn from me as much as i wanted to learn from others. but now i'm done with nagging and sharing what's right or what is wrong. if they want the best from me, they have to earn it. i'm in no mood to drag passive passengers anymore. i don't have time for those anymore, not at this age. avoiding or ignoring those stagnant and complacent people is one of the selective methods in my friendship's chain of command. shut them down since there were patterns of failure reoccurred as they are so contented with who they are and proud to be who they are. i tried, believe me, don't say i didn't care.

i will not yield and i've retired from compromise. i am adamant in this.

will the search be continued? well, that's a difficult one. i do not know. nor i comprehend it. but the pray continues because i still believe in it. that one day, she will pop out of nowhere, bringing me the light, the glow, the illumination and for once to chart me up for the ending of all my sufferings. amin.