vaccine

rehab rehabilitation. getting better. vaccination is finally here.

new drivey

i just bought myself a new driver. taylormade burner to be exact. and i was successful with my tee off last week. i love my new drivey :)



here is one snapshot for 7th hole second shot. iron 6. but it wasn't that successful as i wanted it to be. hahaha :p

sick

today i just learned hard truths. sour and bitter to swallow. number one, i am emotionally sicked and i need help. that's it. when you are mentally ill your physical also very much affected. i lost my fire, my positive energy. it feels like i am all soaked in a acidic swamp. i don't really feel good. laid down. couldn't eat. number two, she's getting married. well, everybody is leaving. and when i looked around, i am all alone. too bad. another pain. and this is beyond comprehension. sigh~

home

as usually, with bad morning breath, picked the guitar up, forced my younger sister to hold the camera phone for 4 minutes long, and wallah! there you go. and these places and the faces are getting old, then i'm going home.

patience

don't get too carried away, i say. sit back and observe more. for more signs. i need more data to work with. lalalala~

happy eid-ul fitr 2010

this blog is suppose to convey good and meant for nothing but kindness. i never intend to offend anyone, not one soul. hence, in conjunction of this year's sacred eid-ul fitr and its blessings, i seek thousand apologies to all of you, body and soul, externally and internally, my most appreciated anonymous "the readers".

especially to innocent "wan nur ashikeen", always jovial "sakinah al-mubarakah", my sweet "tuan habibah" and my dearest "tunku isma adrina" for all my wrong doings, wrong sayings and my wrong writings. forgive me for all my verbs, nouns, vocals and thoughts. you guys mean a lot to me. and this is my admission of guilt. when lies become the truth, that's when i run to you. i regret all the sins i ever said or done to you, everyday as it will never cease, my love to you.

and the rest of you out there, i seek hundreds of forgiveness from you if i ever offend anyone via this humble personal thoughts scratching page.

pink is the theme for this year's eid color. and so does my heart to all of you. have a good raya. till then, keep on reading, just iqhbal naeem :)

up in the air

i watched the movie last month. i didn't get the chance to watch it at the cinema few months back so i bought the original copy dvd. seriously, it's a good movie. now i feel like writing about it even though i could have jobbed this down long time ago. yes, procrastination. still lingers :)

it's about a man who works for a company which offers a service to any organization in a very specialized delicate task of disemployment. in laymen term is, he goes around to fire people out of their jobs. how sick is that? but he is freaking good at it. he's good in everything he does.

but i am here not to talk about george clooney and his cold cruel occupation. i'm here to write about how deceiving this life can be. if we are not careful and mindful enough bout it.

a promising young talent also been assigned to under shadow him. she has to follow him around to learn how to fire people effectively. i can't believe if there's such thing for a living. anyway, the character in that movie also goes all over the states not just to put a formal misery into people's life, but he also gives motivational talks. he fights for this so called "self-freedom" or "self-independence" against the whole crap spectrum of this world. that no one deserves the "unnecessary" headache of the "should not be the thing in the first place" marriage.

believe it or not, he goes around and encourages people not to get married and trying his best to inculcate that it's like a backpack, full of things, so heavy that the straps are cutting their own ways into our shoulder flesh. he has his own sets of wish lists and targets in life to be materialized. and he summons that everyone should forget about marriage and just follow each other dreams. he also tried to convince his apprentice, the girl, that what's the point of having a boyfriend if you know happiness is way beyond your grasp.

he just does not believe in the whole idea of having someone to share his life. his miserable life. he's living in denial. pretending that he's all happy to be alone. being in the air, flying all over the places throughout the year. staying in the hotel most of the time. sheessh, what was he thinking? i've spent most of my sarawak days in the hotel rooms, and i tell you it is not even close to be fun. not at all.

but along the story plots, he met a girl. who is somehow the female version of his. they got clicked, easily, not a surprise. a miserable man meets a lonely girl. what an equation! they do fun stuff together, they laugh, they dance, and they even fall in love with each other. he thought, at least. he thought that she is the one. finally. against his preachings. finally against his conventional belief. he finally thinks that it is time for him to be vulnerably opened to the real love. he feels he is now ready to make a connection.

but the truth is, he is just an escapism for the girl. one day, he went to her hometown, without telling her, for a surprise visit. he showed up at her door, only to be more miserable to know the truth that she's married. with kids. sad but true. and that's how the movie ends. he learns the very hard truth. that he is all alone. he has no friends. no family. and he is getting older and dying. the fact that everyone is dying is traumatizing enough but dying alone is much terrifying.

so what is the lesson can be learnt here?

one. do not ever believe that we can live on our own. we all need others in this life. be it family members, friends, or even enemies, to keep us going. public consummation is the ultimate victory. be good individually is just not enough. being a successful and important team player for a winning team is much satisfying.

two. not everyone is as how we perceived them to be. he thought that the girl likes him and single and ready for his ever anticipated love. but she is not. he is just a contemporary temporary dreamy toy to her dream world, away from her normal life as a mother and a wife. whenever is needed.

three. which is the most unbearable. he has to eat his very own words. he is now walking backwards. against his own quotes. he is now desperate for someone, for someone's love. his self love is just inadequate, not anymore as he finally believes that it is more than all those. he achieved all his targets and dreams. and then what? he knows now the concept "two is always better than one" makes sense.

ouch and triple ouches. ouch, ouch, whoa ouch! it couldn't get any subdued sadder than that, ain't it?

paradigm and change

i once wrote about paradigm shift. last year i think. paradigm is how we see things. how we see the world for example. is it through who we are or via how it is actually? now allow me elaborate deeper on this.

the world revolves around it's own axis. round and round. and everything in it moves too, along with the world's movement. day and night. the water's streams. seasons whether its summer or winter. the moon. the temperature, the icebergs' movement, mating or nomadic patterns for the bird flocks. whatever. and for sure the world does not swing according to anything inside it. except for His plan and wisdom. and it doesn't change through out the time. it's fixed. the only time that it will change its course is when He says enough is enough, it's dooms day, and it's already too late for anything. i just can't imagine if the earth changes its rotation from time to time. then it will be a disaster. this country will be having four seasons and it's snowing before you know it and then back to tropical over and over again. the north pole is having a summer of 42 degrees C and then back to the convention cold. it's tsunami, el nino, la nina, it might be an el nini and how many other els or las before you know it. how fatiguing is that?

God created this world with a fixed system for a reason. and yet nothing is permanent in this world. everything changes. that's how ironically beautiful the world is.

same goes to us. we have to change all the time but our paradigm should be fixed. to the correct and realistic course of it. we have to understand, in this life, over until the end of time that the world does not revolve around us. nor anything in it. it is we, who are subject for change, consistently. that's the truth. we can not just assume and say that we are like this or like that, and everybody has to follow us just the way we want them to be. we can't expect everybody has to accommodate us everytime. we can't expect us to be in one state forever and any other things which matter to us to adjust themselves in pursuit to suit to our needs. and the very cruel fact of life is, we just can't expect everybody or the world in bigger extend, to understand us. we adults are not toddlers. infants, they asked their parents or someone older to accommodate to their needs or requests. and they are allowed to use tantrums as a medium of persuasion.

but remind you readers, we are not toddlers. not anymore. at least. if you are, you won't be reading this in the very first place.

the world does not have the time to be around us. it is us whom are responsible to run at its pace in order for survival. the success story plots behind the pace, whether it is a strive, a jog or walking tempo or a crawl. you choose. i choose. we pick. if we decide to be reluctant to catch up, we will be left behind and be extincted in self created exodus like the dinosaurs. we have to be matured enough to comprehend that it is our responsibility to our-self and our survival. this is a community world full of societies and their complexity. and constant change is a must. an individual war against complacency.

talking about paradigm, is always related to change and its component, its agent. but i rather write about it another post. i like john kotter's writings in his award winning management book entitled "our iceberg is melting?!". it's about change and it's a serious essential. but before i leave, let's us sit back and think, self check, do we really see the world as it is, as a ever-changing world or we are still viewing it via a narrow perspective, behind our toddler bed's bars?

back on track

i once wrote about sarging. i think it was back in 2008's archive. somewhere in there. that i've created a so called nom de plume or another psyche name after kukubal and misery loves company, dedicated for that kind of world. to accommodate the other side of me. and that's how i come up with j tryst. as mache created kristo.

i was good in the game. focused and always few steps ahead of the girls. but now it seems that i've lost my touch. i am now blurred and just can't operate the way i used to, the way it should be. fiercely charming and sleek. but now? failures after failures.

maybe after what happened with ms. A, the whole tragedy just had me knackered and incompetent. hahaha. well, i thought it was a real deal as i was. she swept me out of my feet. dang! just like that :P

i need my wing man back. mr. kristo is now so overwhelmed by deceptive promises and his own compromises with a girl now. in which we used to regard as the most deadly sin of all. to be "oneitis". i need to go out more to sarge. i need to create and rehearse new lines, new tricks, few sets of new puzzles, new moves. and new fresh pond to fish. so that mr. JT can get back on his track. ditto! :)

unpleasant decible

i've been longing to do this. here is my first video. i know it sucks :P so be gentle okay? i woke up late during the weekend and grab the guitar straight ahead. so mind me the multiple unpleasant voices from the same vocal chord box :) and i assure you there will be more to come. enjoy~

hierarchy of associates

deriving from the previous post, i'm bound to chalk this out of my mind. last night pyan taught me some insights. that there are few separate mental level of friends in our life. and this can only accessed in our mind.

there are normal friends. there are colleagues at the office. school mates. acquaintances at the gym, at the guitar or piano lesson classes. friends of friends. passerby. and these people reside at the bottom of the long list, and ongoing. the trivial many we call it. they don’t deserve much from me. but, there are, few seats at the helm of the list. where loyal friends stand out. true souls who really understand me. faithful friends who define me and vice versa. someone is capable to compromise as quoted by manao/mache last night, those couldn't afford to see me undone. a brother or a sister like, not blood or genetically related but would rather hurt themselves to even save me from myself. this so called limited vital few are to be maintained. at some point, i begin to settle just for a fixed number as in the seats don't grow. at this age, i pick my bffs. i don't do random anymore. we all go for the selective mode. because, they have to work for it. they did efforts to prove themselves. that they are worth for all my loyalty. it took years for some of them to earn it, to earn me. stood by hand in hand steadfast in all weather. because they know how true i can be to my trusty friends.

sad but true, those seats now filled for years by boys mostly. not many girls can make it to that extend. there were few lucky ones, be able to bring the best out of me, fortunate enough to see the real me, blessed enough to live in my world full of undivided exclusive affections. just propitious enough to feel it. but good things don't last. nothing is permanent. and that's why there's a word called "memory" in the vocabulary. initially i thought that they can maintain their spots. but they screwed up after all the love and warmth i gave to them. i forgive and had them forgiven though, don't get me wrong. who am i not to forgive and not to have mercy.

but there they remained, lay flat at the bottom, to climb up all over again. because sometimes "sorry" is just not enough. because the damage has been done. for me, hurting people intentionally is like driving a nail into the wall. but when you remove the nail, the mark stays as an orifice. you have to work extra to fill in the hole back. depending on the depth. you can't expect a simple sorry can make things better and be the same as it was before. i mean it because you meant it when you did those.

i am a life changer. i affect other people's life. i influence. and i privatize conscience. yes. i am deep. i used to think that people will learn from me as much as i wanted to learn from others. but now i'm done with nagging and sharing what's right or what is wrong. if they want the best from me, they have to earn it. i'm in no mood to drag passive passengers anymore. i don't have time for those anymore, not at this age. avoiding or ignoring those stagnant and complacent people is one of the selective methods in my friendship's chain of command. shut them down since there were patterns of failure reoccurred as they are so contented with who they are and proud to be who they are. i tried, believe me, don't say i didn't care.

i will not yield and i've retired from compromise. i am adamant in this.

will the search be continued? well, that's a difficult one. i do not know. nor i comprehend it. but the pray continues because i still believe in it. that one day, she will pop out of nowhere, bringing me the light, the glow, the illumination and for once to chart me up for the ending of all my sufferings. amin.

corteous gestures

everyone has their own cycles. we are all normal human being. no matter how strong, how bold, how tempered like an iron we are, we all bound to have our emotional dip. mood swing, change of temperament, dispositions of mind fraction. whatever you might call it. it is just not normal for us to stay happy and smiling for twenty four seven three hundred sixty five long.

i am always the optimist kind of character, jovial and bubbling over. that is how most people perceive me. at least. but still, i have the other dark side of me, the not so funny of me. the mellowed, mundane and sensitive partitions of my personality. we are all unique blend of traits, aren't we? tried to sustain the bright colors, but i can't maintain the energy through out the time. it is just impossible. i'm just so full of designed flaws.

thus, whenever i am in my sinking mode, i will sit back and think. to regain the strength, the stamina of resilience. normally, i'll be back on track by myself within the time frames. depending on the weight of the issue. there are times, when i'll seek for words of wisdom from someone older, whom i really look up to. my former boss, mr. sam for example. and there will be times when i'll run to my friends. in search for the brotherhood kind of comfort. to crack some silly jokes, to remind me of those crazy old days, to have me distracted especially when i found no exit, no point of perspective no focus to the tangled issue. so that i can channel my energy back to find the solutions. normally for solution craving issues. but when it comes to heart matters, dilemmas and dramas, where i need no solutions, when i need someone who can tell me that it's okay to feel that way, that i'm still the man, that i will go through it thoroughly. so that i'd feel better. and habitually the soft voice of a woman touch ease me down. sooth me flat, putting out the rage. and my beloved mom and her tears never fail.

i just need someone to be at the other receiving end, to listen. i don't demand much. repeated simple nods, recurred "uhuh"s and number of persisted "i feel you"s would suffice. which i found it rare among boys. i'm not saying my long life dudes are not capable of these medicating routines. but there are times when i much in need of a female friend to have me poured with supporting elevating words. when i need a friend. she doesn't have to be my girlfriend or a lover. and for me, i do not require feelings to keep me and the listener intact. it does not necessarily have to be feelings everytime or to get the feelings involved. we are not talking about sexual intercourse here. it is just a simple plain courtesy from a friend to a friend. a gesture. an act of appreciation for who he or she is, for who he or she has been. for his or her kindness. all i ever want is sincerity. but my mom said that not everyone is adequately sincere as how am i sincere and heartfelt to them.

sadly, not everything in this life reciprocated. my late great grandmother used to remind me that not many people in this world understand the true meaning of courteous manners and kind courtesy. now i got her point and why she stressed it to me so many times until her last breath. and grandfather always strike me a chord that sincerity is so hard that it distinguishes us from others.

terrified

terrified. this could be good it's already better than that. and nothing's worse than knowing you're holding back. i could be all that you needed if you let me try.

it's been a while since we last heard from katharine mcphee. i love this song. this song is written by jason reeves, a singer song writer who wrote bubbly and realized popularized by colbie calliat. enjoy~