ifs, buts and maybes

i was enjoying a good run of time recently..spending my lavish time in Kuching. well, i had some issues of concerning maturity as i argued with my boss. it's regarding a blunt accusations i got from the management saying that i am lacking sense of menhood. ah, frankly it couldn't get any frank than that. the word "immature" is harsh. too much on me. and it's killing me. but i'll live..no worries..they going to need a better term than that if they are to challenge me. (that's the spirit! :p)

ran some shows and ball game on girls. unlucky them they are best friends..hahaha..nevertheless, the showmanship was rather effective and charming that i am always at my best at giving thoughtful thoughts, influencing people around me. especially on things pertaining love life, relationship and managing expectations on people. unfolding their sophisticated tangling concerns...it was.

of course all those phrases were well constructed with ifs, buts and maybes..and i have been watching a lots of movie lately. so i am going to list down all those catchy words of wisdom here. some i got from movies, some i learned from people and some from my very personal life experience. i'm going to start with lesson # 5 like mambo number five.

5. you ought to learn how to draw the double solid lines (not dotted, not dashed lines) segregating between black and white. no such thing as shaded / grey area.
meaning = you have to be firm when it comes to feelings and making decision. and act like one..

6. truth hurts and waiting is devastating = say it even if will cost your life..because u'll never know the very resourceful outcome out of it..and sometime you have to make a move, as the initiator, instead of sitting and wait.

7. sacrifice is what we need to deliver whatever it takes, and do whatever it takes to sacrifice..i have no idea what it means...hahaha.

8. theatrics are the essence and the form of deception ; quoted from Rahs Al Gul in Batman Begins when he taught Bruce Wayne to be a ninja = don't trust anyone especially your girlfriend / boyfriend...hahahaha.

9. obsession is a young man's game ; quoted from John Cutter the Engineur of the Great Danton (it's French and it's complicated) in The Prestidge = what makes a man a truly men is how he controls his temper and using his temperament as a strength. knowing when to accelerate and knowing when to push the big red stop button. you are the MD/CEO of yourself sdn bhd!

10. when you are good at something, never do it for free ; quoted from Joker in The Dark Knight when he introduced himself in front of the mob bosses = basically its about relishing your potential and strength.

so, think bout them..they might come handy to you one day..last but not least here's a line from The Professor played by Christian Bale (one of my favorite actor) in movie The Prestidge when he "dismantled" a magic trick of his profession rivalry cum fellow apprentice, The Great Danton played by Hugh Jackman.." go easy on the poor chap, he does try too very hard"..

i think what its saying is, in my understanding, just be yourself, because that is the only time you are at your best..

past baggages and humility

past baggages and humility. recently an old friend of mine mailed me and from there we had a decent chat. and out of nowhere, she gave me a tap on the forehead kinda thought. an advice actually.

she was urging me to let go all of my past baggages, stop hurting along the way and go for humility. "wow!", i replied. i didn't expect such remarks from her. not from a girl. it's been years since we last talked. hehe..but it didn't matter. i can take open criticism on me. PETRONAS has spent thousands ringgit to train me, to digest and swallow blunt thoughts from the poeple, environment and etc. hahaha.

nevertheless, i did denied it initially. of course. sorry. maybe i was shocked. i was complacent. now i know that i have to be guard against complacency.

i have been thinking. from what she said. it was like kind of an eye opener, mind boggler. the very big question mark is, am i a boasting character?

let's hear from you guys. throw in your thoughts and what you want to say. i am all opened. please. till then, i bid you very well bye bye, sealed with kiss and thank you, miss..haha

syawal in kuching?

bad news guys...i am going to celebrate syawal in kuching! a direction from the management in klcc that one executive has to stand by during hari raya since our depots are in full blast operation and not put in halt.

what can i say? i am just a machai..junior engineer...i had to. paksa rela la ni..hehe. i am allowed only to go back on the 4th day of raya. what now? lets forget about being grieved not be able to celebrate with the loved ones. and focus on what to do here in kuching.err..can't think of one right now..

someone help me please? damn, i am so gona be toasted here.. should i go for a boat ride along kuching waterfront on the eve of raya?? but i heard that here people wear baju raya for a week long..now where am i supposed to find 7 sets of baju melayu??

chip in guys..please.

the fear of marching flames of misery : the return

we have come to a position where we have to make up our minds. to come out with a decision. and stand firm. we all do that everyday. whether we realize it or not, decision making is an essential part in our daily routines.

but what distinguish us from one and another is how we make the decision and of course the execution. but what is it that matters most to us? is it making the right decision or not to make a wrong decision? both influenced by the nature of the hurdles we are facing. some need sacrifices, some drained millions bucks, some take time and some even cost a life.

what am i trying to convey here? well, most people found it difficult to establish a set of solutions for every problem we have here, everyday. why? because we all have the sense of selfishness and the fear of losing. that is why. i don't know about you guys, but from my series of observation, i found that people have a high tendency to make decisions and to go for solutions which very much infallibly will be beneficial for oneself..

it is very much highly unlikely for a man or a women to sacrifice oneself for somebody else. but what about love? do people get burnt for love? or do we call it a love if i am to get myself scorched for you? ahh, i have given up for love and when it comes about love. the four letters combined and yet no one can even give a perfect derivation out of it. how silly is that?

for me love is just a feeling, which is of course can be created, can be influenced and not an exception when it comes to changeability. it's not fixed, and it is certainly not certain. definitely. no one wants to be alone and everybody hates to lose. losing beloved one, in particular. it can be very artificial and indecisive, hence misleading. i don't understand how a girl can say that she is waiting for the very true love to come and find her. how crazy is that? she can't even describe who is she waiting for, what type of a man she's expecting. why? because, uncertainty is everywhere. and nobody is perfect.

my advice, be open and go with the flow. don't restrict yourself. not too rigid and not to loose. don't stress, don't stress (jesse mccartney's leaving) for things which don't even related to you. don't bother. save your energy for something else.

love is just a chemical reaction. a synthetic obsession. swallow it. love to the god? that's different. love for the family? well, that is a must. am i in love? definitely no. will i fall for it? we are living in a damn world of uncertainty and breakdown society. it's our rainbow. the true colours of life.

now, what did i do about it? nothing. hahaha..i have decided to go with the flow and not to rebel with the system anymore. lets call it for a day shall we?

change and resistance to change

fellow readers. greetings...earthlings and eorlingas (the name of the tribe for rohan, land of the horse lords in LOTR). crap, i know. abaikan..

today i want to talk about change. yes, people change and we all do change. we do it all the time, and it's part of the process. life without change just wouldn't be a living and won't make a life. i've been contemplating recently. about, of course, change. you know, those kinda questions mingling and commingle with silly thoughts and again yes, ignited by past vast experiences.

what do we need in order to change? okay, lets go back to the very basic, why do we change in the first place? is it because we have to? or is it only because we are forced to; as we go along the way and all the sudden, things are not working out anymore and we feel like now it is time to change? major breakthrough, paradigm shift, you name it, whatever, it's all come back to the roots of being transformed into something new, converting, executing, implementing, rehearsing, performing, NEW things. surprisingly this very one noun and/or verb can be coupled with so many other verbs. as much as it can be for the better and goods, or vice versa, surprisingly, who knows. only we know. you and i both knew it.

and then, speaking of change, does it tag along intact with TIME? i am pretty sure that all of us have gone through series of change chain. yeah, quite a tongue twister. hmm, i would go for yes. lets face it, when we were young we saw things differently. as we grow older, the wiser we turn up to be. and of course, we see things differently. i used to love big sized billabong and no fear t-shirts. what about now (chris daughtry's what about now?) ? M or L t-shirts and baggy jeans are big no nos nowdays. hehe..

but then, that is all the change occurring within ourselves. what about changing other people? hehey, not too fast buddy. it would be best called as "influence", don't you think? recently something happened, and it was not the very first time things like that happen to me. yeah, it sucks just to think how bad it could be if you know how stupid you are not to learn from your past mistakes and pitfalls.

now, lets talk about my problem. one of my problems in a long list is that i always come to think that i can change someone. i think i have the credibility in influencing people around me, building relationships and enhancing personalities. now i know, i am so damn fucking wrong. there's no way you can change or instill values in somebody else personality. shit crap if you think you can. people will only change if they want them to. if they feel like doing so. people change stimulated by their environment, surroundings and daily occurrences. but not by other people. not directly, literally indirectly, maybe.

i guess it's in our nature as a human to have that kind of emotional attachment for someone you care that u feel like you are obliged, as you ought to save them from so called disaster. like you are some kind of messiah shit sent to be her/his savior. and trust me, it is hard to change. that is why people resist to change. always..forever.

have any idea why? in my personal cases and point of view, it's very much caused by the inner thoughts of fear. the greatest fear of all, and it would be the fear of losing. believe me, THAT is one of the common generic fear we have in this corrupted world.

this is only change that i am writing. and it haven't been extended to "exchange" or "interchange". i can't imagine how bad the scrolling part could be if i do so. hehe..maybe not here, another post perhaps.

till then, here is something to ponder, i'd say, "fuck it, it's not your job, not your duty to change them. just let them be. it's not worth for the energy to even consider! it's already too late..."

life is wonderful?

hey, its me. again. currently i am listening to bunch of jack johnson and jason mraz's stuff. good news, i've khatam i'm yours chords and now i can play and sing it simultaneously. it's kinda amazing how he do it..like he was mumbling on the lyrics. free flowing...superfluous.

here is one of the lyrics from song titled life is wonderful. i love this song. heck follows :

it takes a crane to build a crane
it takes two floors to make a story
it takes an egg to make a hen
it takes a hen to make an egg
there is no end to what I'm saying

it takes a thought to make a word
and it takes some words to make an action
it takes some work to make it work
it takes some good to make it hurt
it takes some bad for satisfaction

life is wonderful
life goes full circle
life is wonderful

it takes a night to make it dawn
and it takes a day to make you yawn brother
and it takes some old to make you young
it takes some cold to know the sun
it takes the one to have the other

and it takes no time to fall in love
but it takes you years to know what love is
it takes some fears to make you trust
it takes those tears to make it rust
it takes the dust to have it polished

it takes some silence to make sound
it takes a loss before you found it
and it takes a road to go nowhere
it takes a toll to make you care
it takes a hole to make a mountain

yeah, it's a good shit. go download it. asta~

bangkok = shopping frenzy

four of us went to thailand's capital last week. stayed there for 5 days, 4 nights. 5 exhausting days, 4 memorable nights.. it was crazy.

at first i thought bangkok was just another cramp undeveloped city like hanoi or any other indochina major cities we have across the continent. i was wrong. packed with 35 millions citizen, bangkok or "Krung Thep Maha Nakhon" surely a well developed metropolitan.

we stayed at khaosan road, very popular among backpackers. i would say that the place was similiar like petaling street we have here in kuala lumpur. before i came to bangkok, i've surveyed the things to do and the things to see, from friends who been there. so my main objective to go there was to make suits, nice fitted suits and to get laid or threesome maybe. hehe..kidding. so we did. i mean the suits, hehe. drop the sex activities thing, will you? :)

as soon as we checked in at nana inn, inevitably a backpackers hotel, with rm 30 per night, we went straight for tailor hunting. i found one. that shop was the best bargain. rm 300 per suit any fabric, design you want with three times fitting (like the one you see in pierce brosnan's tailor of panama movie) with lining inside. and free ties. furthermore, we get discount for shirts. i made four cuff link shirts since i couldn't wear ready made cuff link shirts before. lets face it, my arms are bit short, so ready made will not fit me nicely..

what else? hmm, we went for canal tour on the second day. we cruised along the canal in the city of nonthaburi or the old town of bangkok. and we also went to patpong road or internationally known as red light city on the night. yeah, go go bars..but i will not going to elaborate the details here. spare the details and keep them reserved. hehe..

the best part about bangkok is shopping..yeah, retailing. we all underestimated the power of purchasing in bangkok. we brought only rm 1000 and yet, we were broke only to know that it was our second day and there were still a lot of things to buy. we were being so stingy that we could only afford to eat spring rolls and pad tais. hahaha. we had to if we were to survive another 3 days.

there was a weekend market at bangkok. they called it chatuchak market. chatuchak or jatuchak, covers over 35 acres (1.13 km²) and contains upwards of 15,000 stalls. estimated that the market receives between 200,000 and 300,000 visitors each day. but most stalls only open on weekends. you can find wide variety of products including household items, clothing, thai handicrafts, religious artifacts, collectibles, foods, and even live animals. you name it, anything under the sky. i even wanted to buy one of those cute fluffy puppies! but of course there's no way for me to do that.

we went there on both days, saturday and sunday. the place was so big that on the latter day, i couldn't find the stores i went on the former.. too much to see, so many to buy. its so cheap that you want to buy at least 3 t shirts with the same design and at the end of the day, you couldn't recall how much you had spent. how crazy was that? seriously, we went berzerk to see those lamps, house decors, colorful t shirts and scarfs, table runners, cushion covers and silly fedoras! ya, i sound like a girl. hahaha.

night life? well, we went clubbing on most of the nights. we went to this big club called hollywood awards club. yeah, as crazy as its name, the bartenders wore mechanic liked blue coverall with pockets all over their arms and thighs. each of them have unique designated number as like they were wearing jerseys. they placed the straws on their right arm's pocket, tissues on the other arm and empty bottles on their both thighs' pockets. systematically cool. the live bands were awesome and the singers were half nude and eyes pokingly sexy! the dancers were jaw dropping. cute and sexayh! hahaha :)

but fairy tales always have their own ways to come for an end. its sad that we have to go back. to imagine back in the office? it's suffocating. conclusion, bangkok was fun, the people were polite and graceful though they hardly converse decent english, i fell in love with their soft spoken attitude, we love how they greeted us despite the fuss and hustle in communicating and bargaining, the crowd (me, mache, pyan and farouk) was fun, we were crazy and we definitely will go there again. i even have plans to shop there in bulk and sell those stuff here wholesale..

you can view the photos along the trip at my flickr photo page. just click at the Misery Flickr link on your right screen. till then, i'm out!~

mr j tryst and his sarging business

hey babe, is it ok if i am to keep a wallaby as a pet?or would you prefer a panda more?haha..yeah, i know. it's kinda lame but hate to admit that it is one of my pick up line nowdays. hahaha..

today i wana talk bout mr j tryst. who is this j tryst? well, he is just another character i've created explicitly for my sarging business..another version of misery loves company..that sort of thing. misery loves company is specifically designated for my artworks and photography posts and production. now that i've ventured out in another genre of mind games and excitement, i need a new sobriquet kinda name. i know its kinda sophisticated. but aa, ya, who cares, i like it.

what is sarging anyway?sarging is from the root verb sarge. haha. it means courting girls for fun. since when courting is a serious business ait?but still the outcomes come varies. i might end up hurting myself and consequently toughen up. or, i might be drown and loose focus in work that i wake up late and wasted.

but whatever the result is, it surely give me a new lively boyhood and fill me with joy, if that is wat people called it nowdays. just to kill the luxurious time i have in kuching, especially. so heck, go to kinokuniya and search for a book called "the game" by neil strauss. its fun and hilarious. its about a guy who transformed from zero to hero. haha. cliche. but u might learn something as well..your social skills can be enhanced. the way you talk, the way you dressed up, how you approach people, to sustain a relationship (fuck no) and etc.

but one thing i learn through experience ; chemistry is very essential in sustaining a relationship or whatever you want call it. it might be not as significant as you are to built one because getting to know each other can be in various modus operandi. diversify. you can be in love with your best friend, a crush on your teacher..whatever.

what am i writing about? fuck, im bored :(

happy birthday msry loves co

helo,pick a number between 0 to 9 and keep it to yourself,later i would like to take a wild guess on it. i bet it was 7. why 7? because studies made and statistically proven that most people asked will definitely go for 7. haha..well, there goes my so called warm opener.

so, what's new? yesterday was my 25th birthday. gosh it was a rough gash after quarter of a century of ups and downs..i think i've moved on so fast and yet not that far enough. i've been to places where i never thought i would have my foot step onto it..from a town developed aligned to hong kong where all the sign boards have those fu chao writings on it. sibu. that is why people said sibu is the next hong kong. haha. then i went to k kinabalu this year. nice town, the chicks are also as friendly as clowns and god damn sure they are hot, sizzling and look ravished. owh, i think it was astonishing kot. gile ke ape ravish?hahaha.

to be frank, i never had a real birthday celebration or what people called nowadays as birthday bash. i never had a cake for my birthday..because everytime when its my birthday my parents will divert it to another thing more important. something like that. like it was not that significant that required much attention, and lets put the energy to another thing which in need of it much more than my birthday. i think. but its okay, its just a birthday, a number, a sign that i'm getting older. and so it goes this year. i was all alone in kuching, and somebody reversed his pick up recklessly like i was never there and ran over my front bumper. it was s*#ks. it did spoiled my mood. hey, i was singing faber drive's second chance. and for god's sake, it was my birthday and give me a break. it supposed to be memorable. argh..

we talked and discussed, if that's what you call a discussion. i somehow doubt it. he asked for my number and just took off, just like that left me blank, filled me with thousands and one questions. in the likes of " hey dude, who's gona pay all these shit?" "i'm so toasted, this is my company's car, i'm not suppose to drive it on personally interest and worse, my boss is coming to Kuching next week". i didn't get the chance to jot down his car's number and f%$king phone number. he throwed " don't worry, i have your number already". what? how am i suppose to believe you? you just "park" your car over mine. right? what if he just ran away, then i am all alone to be blame. it was friday yesterday and it happened in front of a mosque , where i wanted to park my pick up and drop for friday prayer. i prayed and lucky me, he wasn't that rude eventually. right after done with the prayer and all, he personally came to me and resumed the discussion. i got his number and his car registration. fuh lega.

he sort of agreed to pay for all the cost. sort of. he begged me to some sort of like "contribute" something due to his incapability in bearing all the cost. the bumper will probably costs like 500 and the cost for workmanship and the painting will be most highly likely to be around 400. so he was asking me if i could grant my mercy to cover up if not all, some of the painting cost. he did say he had a son who is currently studied in utm skudai and he said that 900 is too much and probably will consumed half of his monthly earnings. well, i have a high level of acceptance of pathetic story tellings and of course, high empathy. so i agreed, reluctantly. but i have convinced myself deep down inside that i'm doing this for his family. not him. well, he was reckless yesterday.

so today i was thinking of getting myself a new guitar as birthday present. to make up the mess occurred yesterday. sort of. i left my old guitar at home kl, and i think it would be nice if could play few songs here, while i have nothing to do, just to kill few empty deafening boring hours. why not?

work..well, work is nice and stressful. those four letters work / team up exactly how they are supposed to mean. work, it just has no end. tak habes habes. so the best thing to do is prioritize them and let the submission due ranks them all. i think that's all for now. got to ride. yeap, ride in the pick up, who is bruised, just had a thump on his right cheek. hihi

summary : don't drive and sing loud when you are on your way to the mosque. or else, you might get caught off guard and somebody will reverse his car on yours. haha

home

hey..i am back..ya i know..its been a while since last time i wrote. trillion sorries for dreadful dumb silence.inevitable it was since i just moved to sarawak. and indeed many things had happened and i think i have changed eventhough it is kind of funny no one notices it. but it's okay to me..because for me, of all things in this world, me myself that matters most. i love me and i am so deeply in love with me..hehe. giler self centered. lalala :)

so what's new? well, i am in sarawak now. renting an apartment, small snug cozy contemporary service apartment with security outside and god forbids, i am staying alone (ya i know..). i had my virtue time when i first arrived here, staying with few colleagues but heck things didn't turn up well and here i am..back to like old times sake misery.hahaha. yeah, i know by now some of you might be saying "dude, tell me something new".haha. well, i tried!

how bout work..work?its good..as expected. more challenging, more head scratching, forehead and eyebrows rubbing..i think the geographical location factor is the most hustle of all. i cover the whole swak region and from town to town, logistically tedious and wearying. you got yourself into airplane every 3 days, let's say from kuching to bintulu god knows on the blue world where and stay at the hotel most of the time. fuh, me worn out already after only 5 months. and i hate early morning flights! you have to wake up as freaking early as 4 o'clock in the morning, and drag yourself to the airport, check in and help yourself a sip of mocha or whatever caffeine based so called refreshment at the terminal while small earphones plugged into . and these series of activities kept rewind and reoccurring, forming a team up as a process. and it's killing me. argh!

but then, bad things always team up with the good dud things at some plots. hehe. they do, trust me. even though i work like sh@#*t, but still i got the handsome awesome allowances..
lets talk bout this later coz now i am in the midst of something.i will get back to you later, this i promise you..haha..bout the picture, i know its kinda lame..lalala.asta~