maybe i did ever loved someone before, but it wasn't never like this sincere. that happy, happier than that. perhaps i did missed a soul before but i don't think it was this deep. i probably fell for a girl before, but it wasn't as same as to this stumble. it's like this is my downfall.
conceivably, maybe, she'll never believe in me, my feelings, how i feel for her, goodness me, the love i built for her, the heart i traded for hers. it was different, i don't how to put it convincingly, but i just feel it. it might appeared like just another love story, except it wasn't.
yes, i dropped them down, my armors of ego, my vambraces of narcissism, my shreds of complacency tassel or whatever denial iron mask painted with guilt from past mistakes i was wearing, whatever was left of me. i thought it was A okay to open up, to let myself to be vulnerable again, to finally let someone come in and lend me a hand in my change process, to allow another soul to understand me for who am i and to help me heal from my previous battle scars. by perchance, i thought she was the one. maybe she was the one. right person but wrong timing, by chance. it takes two for a destiny, a serendipity. in a short while she elevated herself in my long friends list. we became good friends.
she was one of the best friends that i ever had. but i let myself consumed by the feelings and lure myself to be deceived by the wishful thoughts. i was my own venom, my own cocaine. i lied to myself even though i knew it was inappropriate for me to play my cards in this. and i put her in a difficult position, a rough seat for a ride, a space full of confusions, an obscure state of mind too painful for the heart to bear, for me to endure. i hurt her. and i put it hard on myself. too hard. and it made me become more susceptible to get hurt.
i was rather sensitive, thin-skinned to her words and thoughts. she's hurt and i let myself crashed whenever the times she tried to seek comfort from me instead of medicate her. i was so weak to hold firm my stance and just be there for her. of all people, i should have help her to get through it. not to deteriorate her more. oh, i must had broken her heart badly.
now, i lost it. she doesn't want to be friends with me anymore. i can't afford to even think that i lost my best friend and a fan too. someone who finally sees the good side of me, someone who perceived me naturally and honestly which is rarely happens to me. someone who appreciates me plainly just the way i am, someone who admires the sheer talents that were awarded to me, someone who really believed in me that i could change for the better, someone who finally be able defuse me from my anger, soothed me from my sore. she placated me through my change scheme.
but life must go on. my family and my work commitments need me. i can't stay etched, drowned and bruised. i need to forgive her and the only way for me to ever be able to do that is by forgiving myself for what i've done. i need to let it go. let it go, let it slide. i need to admit and face the truth that i made mistakes. i must confound my fear. i used to have her helping me conquering our fears but this i have to make it alone. then only, i can ever accept her apologies.i had the best 60 days of her approximately. she used to sing for me beautifully.
i'm not angry of her, i am just, tired, dissolved and helpless don't know what to do, what to say, how to react. dear God, what did i do? to deserve myself this kind of pain and twinges in the heart? will i miss her, will i be missing her? i think i am. the collision of her kindness that make it so hard, so hurt.
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