defensive mechanism

helo guys. salam. i've been learning from Dr. Sher, a local psychologist. and i'm reading few writings suggested by him. oh indeed they are good and worth to read. they gave me sort of new paradigms on how human behaves differently. different people acts and flows different kind of behavior. different behavioral subjects.

all my life i've been critised by people around me of being self centered, narcissist, vanity and many more. well, that's life. you can't blame people for what they think, for their words, for what they want to think or how they perceive on you. that is just perfectly normal. some of the criticism i took them personally, hurt and some of them really constructed me and taught me lessons. some of them, after series of thinking, i decided to put them into my mental KIV tray. sometimes we have to filter the feedback thrown to us. it's good to seek feedback from people that you love around you. and even a stranger to you can give you sort of out of box remark on you, if you want it, you know, for check and balance purpose. we ought to have the self esteem, the confidence, the self beliefs, self love but in excessive mode would do damages instead. we have to maintain the balance. it's not easy.

i used to think that it is always about me. why are people treating me this way and this. but now i think, i've learn and understand that it is not always about iqhbal naeem. remember about the post i wrote on paradigms and seeing the world through different lenses? well, let's just say that i've tempered few mental glasses of my own. so, what is this have anything to do with the post title? from my reading, there are a lots of terms in cognitive psychological studies on human behavior. why people act defensively, what people are having the tendency to project their anxiety their discomfort on other people, why people deny things and lot more.

now, allow me list few of them which caught my attention. don't get me wrong. my intention is clear,pure and sincere. this is part of my learning curves, lesson learnt sharing. i am not secretly remotely critising anyone. especially not those who i care, who i love. okay, here it goes :

1. passive agressive = it is a defensive mechanism of negativistic personality trait and in normal circumstances, it is partly conscious. it can be observed by the common symptoms of ambiguity or speaking cryptically, victimization or blaming others for their own mistakes and many more. click on the link to read more.
2. projection = is something related to behaviors when a person can't accept the unpleasant feelings, guilt or any discomfort and try to project them on someone else. it's like projector, when you project anything in your computer to the screen. but this is more delicate in manner where it involves feelings and it has consequences in interpersonal human relationship. maybe, sometimes we as human we want the other party to feel or to suppress the same feelings that we are having during that particular time.
   
3. reaction formation = this involves adopting opposite feelings, impulses or behavior. someone who is having a reaction formation would embedded sort of like a defense strategy to treat their loved one in the same manner in which they’d treat a hated enemy. it may be failure of acceptance that the other person is really important to them. we don't know. everything happens for a reason right?
4. defensive mechanism = this derives a bigger spectrum of negative human behavior. whatever the reason is, being defensive is never good. i like to believe and to hold on that. and i'm striving myself improving on my tragedy handling skills. hehe. there are few level of defensive mechanism and complexity. projection is one of the immature defensive mechanism symptoms.

but what all those terms and studies tell us in common? in my opinion, let's go to very basic of human creation, which we homo sapiens are meant to be limited and imperfect. it's infallible. it is A okay actually to react such way. because every each one of us gone through different sets of experience and nightmares. it is totally understandable. we are who we are. we are created in different manners, colors, looks and background. that makes us unique and special. we are all heroes in our own stories. but God created us with endowments, of self righteousness, self awareness, the imagination, conscience and few others. everybody is equipped by those. and that is why my friend, we need to keep learning, implement. to improve. for the better.

now, why am i learning all this? simple. to instill and to learn new skills. to understand others. other people's feelings and needs. it IS not always about me. i want to learn the sense of belonging, sense of humility and gratefulness, to be humble and to learn to curb the deadly sin of vanity. i know, people perceived me as a boasting vain lad. i know. even my best friend also wrote about it.

it's kinda hurt to read about good friend of yours wanting to unsubscribe you from their life. but, again, my conscience is clear and i am stronger to make things work out. i've already put aside my ego, and try not to be childish and selfish. this is not about who is right who is wrong. this is about working things out, because deep inside i know i don't want to lose a friend. and this is part of me learning why people behave in such way. what is it about this life that is more meaningful if to make others happy and life less difficult. i'm sorry for my boldness and insensitivity, but trust me i care about my friends, i cherish our memories especially when we were young and i want to help them and help me too. it is never a one way street.

selfishness is so yesterday. narcissism is so last summer. it was nice but i have to move on. it's already a dusk in my life dictionary. hurting others is much sinner than your wrongdoings to Him. lets pray to Allah for His mercy and forgiveness. for the strength and endurance to live this life balanced and meaningful, here and for the hereafter. amin~