depth is loving

i was reading some of my yahoo! messenger archives. yes, i do keep my chat thoughts in safe keeping. why? i like to learn from the history to make a better tomorrow's story.

time surely does fly but some part of me are dying, memories to be rekindled, maturity in progress, concepts in the making yet to be deliberated, artworks to spilled and inspired, etc. some of them are months old, and there are few of them are years old. worth of reading. quite an indulgence, flash back and suddenly tears streaming down my cheek.

i had fun, so much love and fun, virtually, few months back. but they are all gone. nothing but undead memories and nothing but empty unjustified promises. like a stranger in the train.

ah, what is past is past, what is done is done deal. let it be. let's us focus our energy to something worthy. a vast cast of something real real.

now what is left of me, is just plain body waiting for my miracle to be seen, so that i can flee. i'm scared. of myself. of uncertainty. to try. again. in this very deadly, tricky game of love. oh, i can not afford to be down on my knees, having my shirt soaked in tears. not again. not anymore. i had enough of this, well, these and hmm, those.

sometimes, at times, i just felt like i'm giving up. my hopes, believes, and my heart. i'm tired. exhausted. breathless. is it so hard to be appreciated?

but my positive character and optimist paradigm always keep me alive. bounced. i always believe in people. seriously i do. that is why i'm always trying my best to be as civilized as i can, civil enough to turn back and offer my apology, my sincerity. despite all the turmoils, albeit the sufferings. against all odds. just like what antebellum said, i rather hurt than feel nothing at all.

love makes us laugh and even weep. but true love never say goodbye. if this happens, love doesn't win, we will never win. then perhaps, it wasn't really true love to begin with.

but some people they don't get it. they don't see the goodness in this, in me, in this very odd boy. it is bigger than that. more than what meets the eye. sometimes one have to go deeper, to know me better. seeing is believing. sharing is caring. and for me, understanding in depth, is appreciating or loving. a true sign of appreciation. stay with me, bear with me. unfold me. and i'll make you happy.