living in principles

what is it i hold on to in this life? what determines how i live my life and how i operate. how do i measure that i'm living successful enough. is it the money, or the properties, can it be number of friends, or do achievements fit in the list? too many questions too many answers dwelling. i don't know why i'm always in my depth thinking mode lately.

everytime i'm in search of myself, my beliefs, my faith, my personality, everytime i am in a rush for happiness, the seek of balance, i always go back to the principles. okay, now what differs principle from a belief? for me, a belief might be inconsistent and different from one culture to another, variance from one soul to another. but the principle, it's universal, stand alone, the "it depends" phrase doesn't apply to it, and it's timeless, unchanged and everlasting. for example, let's take a very simple one as better segregation. eating with hands, it's a malay culture, chopstick for the chinese, fork and spoon for the others, mostly. it varies. but whatever it is you are using to eat, it got to be clean. and that's a principle. it's consistent across all kind of cultures.

we have all kinds of religions in this very mean world. different faith, encouraging their followers for different paths and beliefs. but all religion stressed their convictions and doctrines to be good, to be kind, to show mercy, to have manners, to love each other, to respect each other, and so forth. and it doesn't change, be it in 17th century, renaissance, be it in industrial revolution, different caliphs rule, protestant separation, millennium, whenever, forever, it is the same.

so, i feel like i've been strayed too far for too long, so many times. but we are mere mortals. i make mistakes trillions of times, you can't afford to run from them, we all make mistakes. that what makes us human. so colourful, this life can be.

but what is more important is to learn from our mistakes and always streamlined ourselves back to the principles. cleanse ourselves, forgive ourselves, and seek forgiveness from Him. in order to have clarity, the balance for serenity. stick to my faith, my religion. so that my path is straight, and never astray. dear god, show me the way. insha'Allah. amin~

blast off under the scorching sun

yeah, another blast. we went to cherating, for our 3 days batch getaway, as one of the lined up activities for our 10th years after graduation anniversary. it was awesome. the beach was clean and nice, the chalets was perfectly lined up for us to stay door to door next to each other, the bbq food were nice, the seafood drive to kuala kemaman was even cooler, satar lunch on the second day was great accompanied with sweet air batu campur, skin dipped for many times, beach volleyball, sing along together with guitar strumming, poker games until morning, sun rise photography, a cool perfect gateway with close friends, again checked!

we planned for this trip since last year, we are proud to successfully held it. even though the attendance was not as per confirmed earlier, due to some of us had to rain check consequent of last minute commitments, but 20 plus of us was just nice for a turn up number. or else, it could have been too crowded, to jive and mingle around.

it was sizzling during the day, but we still managed to have our shirtless beach volleyball. full of laughter. some of us brought along their newly born sons. yeah, it's good to have cute kids around to hold and kuci kuci kind of play :) man, i was so touched to see how happy my friends who are married, together with their wives and kids. somehow, it developed my fatherhood sense that one day, i'll have my life, my faith, my religion, completed too. insha'Allah.

it was good to have the getaway to really get away from the metropolitan cramps, and all the problems in the office. so, next activity will be our back to school trip, with all those uniforms and last but not least, the grand gala dinner at the end of the year, as the closure, of a wonderful year. boys we were, and we will always be boys in our hearts :p the aging process doesn't affect the memories, truly.

victim of vanity

in my quest of searching for a nice size 8-10 woman's leather jacket for her, i almost got myself caught off guard of being a victim of vanity. i was trying on few designs of man's jacket for myself since i couldn't find a single one which caught my attention. what a diversion. as the temptation built up rapidly.

man, the objective was to buy a jacket for her but instead, it almost end up another additional to my collection in the paper bag. but unfortunately lucky me (urgh), my deep conscience was clear enough, managed to convince me not to buy one of those two cool jaw dropping awesome jackets. hehe. and of all lame excuses i said to myself not to buy one, it was the climate came on top of the long list of doubtful self indulgence denial, etc. malaysia is too hot for another jacket in my wardrobe. yep, blame the sizzling weather. :P

the poking mind blower is, am i that vain to be a victim of my own vanity affair? don't judge me, it was hard to resist them okay! lol~

between needs and necessities

after series of unfortunate events and incidents for the past 3 days, i feel like i need her most. more than i want anyone else. need her, need you now ~ :(

forgetful

i am shocked how forgetful a person can be. one day they'd say "i'll move a mountain for you". then when it's over, regretlessly and remorselessly the tone changed and it sounded like this, "what mountain?".

cruel. so cruel. and yet they are happy with that. shame on them. i pity them for possessing that kind of attitude. too bad, three sad. for the second time in my life, i said to myself, "well, that's all for now folks, i'm gone, forever". in a month time. why? why? why are you doing this to me?

avracadabra

i have been always inspired to write, to compose, or to produce artworks by my surroundings. the ambience just tickles me and then, hocus pocus, avracadabra, there you go, kazaamn, i'm aspired. sometimes it just happens. just like that. and sometimes, the energy, the ideas, just keep flowing, like they are running through my veins.

it's like a magical calling. one day i just woke up, turned on my laptop, and since then couldn't stop working. but there were times where, i got stuck, clueless, twitched, couldn't even write a line. yeah, ups and downs.

there were quite a number of people came to me and asked, what were those artworks meant for or what was i trying to convey. well, most of the times, i just did it. i just do things. i don't even have motives. i don't need reasoning for everything, in anything i scratch out. not everything comes with a reason. despite everything happens for a reason. how irony.

i've been learning french recently. here are some of my recent artworks with the introduction of some french essences in them :) enjoy~

p/s: mind me my french, my manners, my bad. my french is not that good..anyway, do they, those sexy french blokes pronounce avracadabra like we spell it in english? hihi :P

depth is loving

i was reading some of my yahoo! messenger archives. yes, i do keep my chat thoughts in safe keeping. why? i like to learn from the history to make a better tomorrow's story.

time surely does fly but some part of me are dying, memories to be rekindled, maturity in progress, concepts in the making yet to be deliberated, artworks to spilled and inspired, etc. some of them are months old, and there are few of them are years old. worth of reading. quite an indulgence, flash back and suddenly tears streaming down my cheek.

i had fun, so much love and fun, virtually, few months back. but they are all gone. nothing but undead memories and nothing but empty unjustified promises. like a stranger in the train.

ah, what is past is past, what is done is done deal. let it be. let's us focus our energy to something worthy. a vast cast of something real real.

now what is left of me, is just plain body waiting for my miracle to be seen, so that i can flee. i'm scared. of myself. of uncertainty. to try. again. in this very deadly, tricky game of love. oh, i can not afford to be down on my knees, having my shirt soaked in tears. not again. not anymore. i had enough of this, well, these and hmm, those.

sometimes, at times, i just felt like i'm giving up. my hopes, believes, and my heart. i'm tired. exhausted. breathless. is it so hard to be appreciated?

but my positive character and optimist paradigm always keep me alive. bounced. i always believe in people. seriously i do. that is why i'm always trying my best to be as civilized as i can, civil enough to turn back and offer my apology, my sincerity. despite all the turmoils, albeit the sufferings. against all odds. just like what antebellum said, i rather hurt than feel nothing at all.

love makes us laugh and even weep. but true love never say goodbye. if this happens, love doesn't win, we will never win. then perhaps, it wasn't really true love to begin with.

but some people they don't get it. they don't see the goodness in this, in me, in this very odd boy. it is bigger than that. more than what meets the eye. sometimes one have to go deeper, to know me better. seeing is believing. sharing is caring. and for me, understanding in depth, is appreciating or loving. a true sign of appreciation. stay with me, bear with me. unfold me. and i'll make you happy.