viewing my world through the lens

there are few newly released movies out during this festive holidays. i watched avatar and sherlock holmes. both of them were good movies. worth of the ticket bought. avatar is so going to win oscars. but, i like the combination of the narcissist holmes and the loyal watson. hilarious, full of wits and clever sarcasm. which i succeeded found myself laughing through out the movie. two doctors by studies doing something quite remarkably different from their original initial profession. holmes somehow reminded me of my self centeredness and self fondness. lol.

achtung! in conjunction with this very festive seasons and holidays, i humbly would like to announce that i just bought myself a digital slr camera, namely canon eos 500D. i've been aiming to buy one for a long period of time. i feel good about myself when i achieved it. self satisfaction. self indulgence. hehe. technically it was sort of like a shopping therapy for me, and it was a technical indeed, so to speak. i'm always fond of gadgets.

now what? let's learn how play around with aperture and control shutter speed. and of course, find myself a model to shoot. a beautiful girl perhaps. who would want to volunteer? apparently i'm running out of girl friends to be sacrificed as my experimental lab subject. hehe.

i am still new relatively in this. there's still a lot to be learned. too many functions to comprehend and to be familiarized with. that's all about for the time being. just want to share shreds of my happiness. self fulfilling when i managed to save some money and buy things that i've dreamed of. wish i could share this story with someone..nevertheless, happy holidays folks. until then, i'm out~

broken strings

i was driving alone destinationless around kuching town. put on my mp3 cd and james morrison's song broken strings came out. i heard the songs like hundred times before but i never pay that much attention on the lyrics. it is a good song indeed. it's singable but i didn't know the lyrics were nice too. for me, don't know about you. nelly furtado's voice fits in nicely with james's. the duet is examplary. here are the lyrics for you and your thoughts to cherish.

Let me hold you for the last time
It's the last chance to feel again
But you broke me, now I can't feel anything

When I love you and so untrue
I can't even convince myself
When I'm speaking it's the voice of someone else

Oh, it tears me up
I tried to hold on but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it's not enough
To make it all okay

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before?

Oh, what are we doing?
We are turning into dust
Playing house in the ruins of us

Running back through the fire
When there's nothing left to say
It's like chasing the very last train
When it's too late, too late

Oh, it tears me up
I tried to hold on but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it's not enough
To make it all okay

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before?

But we're running through the fire
When there's nothing left to say
It's like chasing the very last train
When we both know it's too late, too late

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse
So how can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before?
Oh, you know that I love you a little less than before

Let me hold you for the last time
It's the last chance to feel again..

sigh~

blessings in disguise

i have a wonderful life. i think i am. Alhamdulillah, syukur thankful to Allah, i'm still breathing effortlessly. i have a good job, my family loves me very much, well maybe too much for my mother, hehe. yeah, she can be a lil bit too possessive, demanding and controlling at times. since my brother got married, things got worse. it's like i'm the son she has. that is one of the reasons why i go back home every single weekend. yeah, i know, i am a mommy's boy. hahaha.

i got a long list of friends, really good friends. my mckk friends or koleq brothers, friends back in my studies days and friends i got to know in my working days until now. i am so thankful i'm surrounded with good people and smart people too. i learn a lot from my friends. some of them really care about me. it's good to know there's always people who care and give a shit about you. what else you could have ask for. i think i'm living my life good.

i have a good job. the pay is reasonable. i got to travel a lot. too much it exhausted me, wearing me thin. my clock runs faster than everybody else's. my calendar flips faster like i'm living in the fast forward mode kind of thing. my months gone by unnoticed. 30 days are like 10 or 15 days in my world. i've been around sarawak. i've been to many places, places i never thought i would be. i met new people almost everyday. my hardisk and memory have to be updated everyday. and it is kind of wearing. but i have a number of subordinates reporting to me and they all love me. that's comforting. when you have a set of people respect you and constantly seek for your counsel, consensus and decisions. i kind of like it when people listens to me. i learned their dialec well enough, even some of them couldn't believe that i'm not originally from here. and i have been exposed to their culture. i learn to eat their food, talk in their tone, dance in their steps and live their life. i think i'm proud of what i've achieved here in borneo.

business wise, i think me and my boss have introduced a lot of changes and new things here. new way of working, new standards of delivering, it's not just normal routine, and i've coached my boys to learn to deliver with honour, ownership and pride. not just daily works, it has to be different, doing different things differently. i think the result is starting to surface here, compared to how were things when i first arrive 2.5 years back. the breakdown number and frequency started to decrease, our expenditure spent accordingly as budgeted. i think i've done it. what it was expected of me as an executive.

i have a house. and my family live in it. i think that's the most noble thing i've done in my entirely life, buying a house for everybody. it's not that big, not too small. just nice. the location is convenient for my parents to go to work and visit my grandparents. it's relatively closer and the accessibility is not a question. the price was reasonable, considering of its location, 10 km from klcc. what else you could have ask for?

what now? i think i want to buy myself a sports bike. i'm contemplating between 3 models available in the market currently. kawasaki er6n, suzuki gladius 650 or the extremely expensive ducati monster 696. sigh ~ i don't know why i'm going back to my riding days. i seriously think that my parents will not agree with this but i have already considering to buy one. i have crashed countless times back in my younger days. i still remember i used to ride back long distanced from johor bahru to kuantan. and i once crashed in segamat and it totally broke my bike out that i have to stop and towed it myself to find a workshop before i could resume my journey. hehe. yeah, it was crazy. adrenaline rush.

kawasaki er6n

suzuki gladius 650

ducati monster 696

my mom will probably nag me. bla bla bla. well, she has all the right reasons not to agree. first, it is dangerous. i have not been on a bike since i left johor bahru. second, what happen to my cars? it's not that i don't possess my own transportation or whatsoever. this is purely lavish. and last but not least, a sports bike is bloody expensive. it gonna cost me 30K++, at least. and my dad will most probably ask me " are you out of your bloody mind, son?". lol.

the collision and forgiving myself

maybe i did ever loved someone before, but it wasn't never like this sincere. that happy, happier than that. perhaps i did missed a soul before but i don't think it was this deep. i probably fell for a girl before, but it wasn't as same as to this stumble. it's like this is my downfall.

conceivably, maybe, she'll never believe in me, my feelings, how i feel for her, goodness me, the love i built for her, the heart i traded for hers. it was different, i don't how to put it convincingly, but i just feel it. it might appeared like just another love story, except it wasn't.

yes, i dropped them down, my armors of ego, my vambraces of narcissism, my shreds of complacency tassel or whatever denial iron mask painted with guilt from past mistakes i was wearing, whatever was left of me. i thought it was A okay to open up, to let myself to be vulnerable again, to finally let someone come in and lend me a hand in my change process, to allow another soul to understand me for who am i and to help me heal from my previous battle scars. by perchance, i thought she was the one. maybe she was the one. right person but wrong timing, by chance. it takes two for a destiny, a serendipity. in a short while she elevated herself in my long friends list. we became good friends.

she was one of the best friends that i ever had. but i let myself consumed by the feelings and lure myself to be deceived by the wishful thoughts. i was my own venom, my own cocaine. i lied to myself even though i knew it was inappropriate for me to play my cards in this. and i put her in a difficult position, a rough seat for a ride, a space full of confusions, an obscure state of mind too painful for the heart to bear, for me to endure. i hurt her. and i put it hard on myself. too hard. and it made me become more susceptible to get hurt.

i was rather sensitive, thin-skinned to her words and thoughts. she's hurt and i let myself crashed whenever the times she tried to seek comfort from me instead of medicate her. i was so weak to hold firm my stance and just be there for her. of all people, i should have help her to get through it. not to deteriorate her more. oh, i must had broken her heart badly.

now, i lost it. she doesn't want to be friends with me anymore. i can't afford to even think that i lost my best friend and a fan too. someone who finally sees the good side of me, someone who perceived me naturally and honestly which is rarely happens to me. someone who appreciates me plainly just the way i am, someone who admires the sheer talents that were awarded to me, someone who really believed in me that i could change for the better, someone who finally be able defuse me from my anger, soothed me from my sore. she placated me through my change scheme.

but life must go on. my family and my work commitments need me. i can't stay etched, drowned and bruised. i need to forgive her and the only way for me to ever be able to do that is by forgiving myself for what i've done. i need to let it go. let it go, let it slide. i need to admit and face the truth that i made mistakes. i must confound my fear. i used to have her helping me conquering our fears but this i have to make it alone. then only, i can ever accept her apologies.i had the best 60 days of her approximately. she used to sing for me beautifully.

i'm not angry of her, i am just, tired, dissolved and helpless don't know what to do, what to say, how to react. dear God, what did i do? to deserve myself this kind of pain and twinges in the heart? will i miss her, will i be missing her? i think i am. the collision of her kindness that make it so hard, so hurt.

happy birthday mckk 9600

it was a fine tuesday morning. i was with my parents. we arrived in the royal town of Perak, a small pekan called Kuala Kangsar the night before. we were tired. it was a long drive all the way from Kuantan. i was 12 years old during that time, not yet 13, almost but just not quite yet.

i was still in my rocky one cap, kiko stripes collared tshirt, dek dek khaki pants and bata bubble gummies flourescent blue shoes. hahaha. we stayed the night at arwah opah's (peace be upon her) old crib at Kota Lama Kanan. we had dinner and small chat with her. then i went to bed, and yes, in my green stripes pajamas (hehe), anxious about tomorrow. the registration. my first day as a collegian.

the next morning, i still remembered my first look on Big School when we passed by Jalan Kolej Melayu or was it Jalan Keretapi. not sure of myself. i remember i did ask my dad, " abah, kenape boy kene sekolah kat white house?" hehe. yeah, i have to admit, it was a bit naive of me but Big School and The Overfloor did look like Washington's White House. in a way. the thoughts are still here, in my head and in my heart. like it was yesterday. never thought that alma matter would change me and would have me changed. i am who i am today because of the school. literally and technically speaking.

oh yes, i have fond and pond of memories there. i spent my precious 5 childhood years there. away from parents and family. it built a character in me and the rest of the boys. we had our ups and downs. we were together in every thing we did. we lined up to dinner and lunch. to class. we lined up to go play. those days. those were the days that i was so light hearted, nothing to worry about, nothing saddened me, i was broke all the way, away from my family yet, i was so happy. irony.

i learned a lot there in The Malay College. the love for our nation, for malay race and for my religion, of course. i learned about survival, leadership and unity. sigh. i seriously miss those days..when i think of it, i miss those white uniform and red stripes tie, black leather shoes, black belt and pin on type batch, preferably the metal type. the all white baju melayu with red checkered sampin and not forget the black suede songkok too.

it was our home, and she is still our home. home of leaders. The Malay College is not just a secondary boarding school. she is an institution. a training ground, a breed nursery for all rounders, multi skills soldiers and a sanctuary for production of survivors. i like to think of that way. i don't know why. it was not an ordinary school for straight As. if you want to excel in book or academic studies, well, i hate to decline but The Malay College, the national heritage is not the place for book smart. she is to breed street smart. sorry. it's kinda annoying when people keep asking me "malay college bukan dah tak bagus ke? takde pun dalam rank top ten spm? ade anak saudara aku baru abes upsr..ok ke nak antar dia mckk?" so wrong.

but we are 14 years after that day. away from it away from the sun. and surely we are not kids anymore. we are not boys anymore. we are a lot more than that. everybody has moved on, went through a lot of things, and we all changed, at least a bit but one thing for sure that the foundation is still the same. thank you Koleq, thank you for all you have taught me. i never regret anything you put me into even the bad ones.

" bangga ku rasakan, khidmat ku berikan, tak ku lupakan jasa jasa mu, oh, Kolej Melayu"...

defensive mechanism

helo guys. salam. i've been learning from Dr. Sher, a local psychologist. and i'm reading few writings suggested by him. oh indeed they are good and worth to read. they gave me sort of new paradigms on how human behaves differently. different people acts and flows different kind of behavior. different behavioral subjects.

all my life i've been critised by people around me of being self centered, narcissist, vanity and many more. well, that's life. you can't blame people for what they think, for their words, for what they want to think or how they perceive on you. that is just perfectly normal. some of the criticism i took them personally, hurt and some of them really constructed me and taught me lessons. some of them, after series of thinking, i decided to put them into my mental KIV tray. sometimes we have to filter the feedback thrown to us. it's good to seek feedback from people that you love around you. and even a stranger to you can give you sort of out of box remark on you, if you want it, you know, for check and balance purpose. we ought to have the self esteem, the confidence, the self beliefs, self love but in excessive mode would do damages instead. we have to maintain the balance. it's not easy.

i used to think that it is always about me. why are people treating me this way and this. but now i think, i've learn and understand that it is not always about iqhbal naeem. remember about the post i wrote on paradigms and seeing the world through different lenses? well, let's just say that i've tempered few mental glasses of my own. so, what is this have anything to do with the post title? from my reading, there are a lots of terms in cognitive psychological studies on human behavior. why people act defensively, what people are having the tendency to project their anxiety their discomfort on other people, why people deny things and lot more.

now, allow me list few of them which caught my attention. don't get me wrong. my intention is clear,pure and sincere. this is part of my learning curves, lesson learnt sharing. i am not secretly remotely critising anyone. especially not those who i care, who i love. okay, here it goes :

1. passive agressive = it is a defensive mechanism of negativistic personality trait and in normal circumstances, it is partly conscious. it can be observed by the common symptoms of ambiguity or speaking cryptically, victimization or blaming others for their own mistakes and many more. click on the link to read more.
2. projection = is something related to behaviors when a person can't accept the unpleasant feelings, guilt or any discomfort and try to project them on someone else. it's like projector, when you project anything in your computer to the screen. but this is more delicate in manner where it involves feelings and it has consequences in interpersonal human relationship. maybe, sometimes we as human we want the other party to feel or to suppress the same feelings that we are having during that particular time.
   
3. reaction formation = this involves adopting opposite feelings, impulses or behavior. someone who is having a reaction formation would embedded sort of like a defense strategy to treat their loved one in the same manner in which they’d treat a hated enemy. it may be failure of acceptance that the other person is really important to them. we don't know. everything happens for a reason right?
4. defensive mechanism = this derives a bigger spectrum of negative human behavior. whatever the reason is, being defensive is never good. i like to believe and to hold on that. and i'm striving myself improving on my tragedy handling skills. hehe. there are few level of defensive mechanism and complexity. projection is one of the immature defensive mechanism symptoms.

but what all those terms and studies tell us in common? in my opinion, let's go to very basic of human creation, which we homo sapiens are meant to be limited and imperfect. it's infallible. it is A okay actually to react such way. because every each one of us gone through different sets of experience and nightmares. it is totally understandable. we are who we are. we are created in different manners, colors, looks and background. that makes us unique and special. we are all heroes in our own stories. but God created us with endowments, of self righteousness, self awareness, the imagination, conscience and few others. everybody is equipped by those. and that is why my friend, we need to keep learning, implement. to improve. for the better.

now, why am i learning all this? simple. to instill and to learn new skills. to understand others. other people's feelings and needs. it IS not always about me. i want to learn the sense of belonging, sense of humility and gratefulness, to be humble and to learn to curb the deadly sin of vanity. i know, people perceived me as a boasting vain lad. i know. even my best friend also wrote about it.

it's kinda hurt to read about good friend of yours wanting to unsubscribe you from their life. but, again, my conscience is clear and i am stronger to make things work out. i've already put aside my ego, and try not to be childish and selfish. this is not about who is right who is wrong. this is about working things out, because deep inside i know i don't want to lose a friend. and this is part of me learning why people behave in such way. what is it about this life that is more meaningful if to make others happy and life less difficult. i'm sorry for my boldness and insensitivity, but trust me i care about my friends, i cherish our memories especially when we were young and i want to help them and help me too. it is never a one way street.

selfishness is so yesterday. narcissism is so last summer. it was nice but i have to move on. it's already a dusk in my life dictionary. hurting others is much sinner than your wrongdoings to Him. lets pray to Allah for His mercy and forgiveness. for the strength and endurance to live this life balanced and meaningful, here and for the hereafter. amin~