forgetful

i am shocked how forgetful a person can be. one day they'd say "i'll move a mountain for you". then when it's over, regretlessly and remorselessly the tone changed and it sounded like this, "what mountain?".

cruel. so cruel. and yet they are happy with that. shame on them. i pity them for possessing that kind of attitude. too bad, three sad. for the second time in my life, i said to myself, "well, that's all for now folks, i'm gone, forever". in a month time. why? why? why are you doing this to me?

avracadabra

i have been always inspired to write, to compose, or to produce artworks by my surroundings. the ambience just tickles me and then, hocus pocus, avracadabra, there you go, kazaamn, i'm aspired. sometimes it just happens. just like that. and sometimes, the energy, the ideas, just keep flowing, like they are running through my veins.

it's like a magical calling. one day i just woke up, turned on my laptop, and since then couldn't stop working. but there were times where, i got stuck, clueless, twitched, couldn't even write a line. yeah, ups and downs.

there were quite a number of people came to me and asked, what were those artworks meant for or what was i trying to convey. well, most of the times, i just did it. i just do things. i don't even have motives. i don't need reasoning for everything, in anything i scratch out. not everything comes with a reason. despite everything happens for a reason. how irony.

i've been learning french recently. here are some of my recent artworks with the introduction of some french essences in them :) enjoy~

p/s: mind me my french, my manners, my bad. my french is not that good..anyway, do they, those sexy french blokes pronounce avracadabra like we spell it in english? hihi :P

depth is loving

i was reading some of my yahoo! messenger archives. yes, i do keep my chat thoughts in safe keeping. why? i like to learn from the history to make a better tomorrow's story.

time surely does fly but some part of me are dying, memories to be rekindled, maturity in progress, concepts in the making yet to be deliberated, artworks to spilled and inspired, etc. some of them are months old, and there are few of them are years old. worth of reading. quite an indulgence, flash back and suddenly tears streaming down my cheek.

i had fun, so much love and fun, virtually, few months back. but they are all gone. nothing but undead memories and nothing but empty unjustified promises. like a stranger in the train.

ah, what is past is past, what is done is done deal. let it be. let's us focus our energy to something worthy. a vast cast of something real real.

now what is left of me, is just plain body waiting for my miracle to be seen, so that i can flee. i'm scared. of myself. of uncertainty. to try. again. in this very deadly, tricky game of love. oh, i can not afford to be down on my knees, having my shirt soaked in tears. not again. not anymore. i had enough of this, well, these and hmm, those.

sometimes, at times, i just felt like i'm giving up. my hopes, believes, and my heart. i'm tired. exhausted. breathless. is it so hard to be appreciated?

but my positive character and optimist paradigm always keep me alive. bounced. i always believe in people. seriously i do. that is why i'm always trying my best to be as civilized as i can, civil enough to turn back and offer my apology, my sincerity. despite all the turmoils, albeit the sufferings. against all odds. just like what antebellum said, i rather hurt than feel nothing at all.

love makes us laugh and even weep. but true love never say goodbye. if this happens, love doesn't win, we will never win. then perhaps, it wasn't really true love to begin with.

but some people they don't get it. they don't see the goodness in this, in me, in this very odd boy. it is bigger than that. more than what meets the eye. sometimes one have to go deeper, to know me better. seeing is believing. sharing is caring. and for me, understanding in depth, is appreciating or loving. a true sign of appreciation. stay with me, bear with me. unfold me. and i'll make you happy.

flying without wings

nope, uh uh, euww, not the song. i used to complain how exhausted i was back then when i was in sarawak. i used to travel a lot. i flew almost everyday. i stayed in the hotel most of the time. remember when i addressed on how fast my life turned out to be?

now? not anymore. i just realized that it's been a month plus of me free from flying. no more early morning flights. traveling back and forth. i kind of miss those. irony. at one point you hate it so much and all of sudden now you craving for it back. life. is like that. full of surprises. challenges. life is a hunt. like a wheel. one time you are on top, at the peak, at the tangent, at your very best, and the next thing you know you could be drowned, drunk, flat below, at your very worst.

now i'm still a frequent flier. it's just that it is now wingless. not in few thousands feet up in the air. but i fly in my own world. full of creativity. i'm free. carefree. like a bird. but no beak or beakless. hahaha.

i have my kenny and my jenny. jenny is the car. but it's a boy despite the girlish looks. hehe. you remember kenny? the camera. it's a she. despite the bold black built, complete with her new BFF, miss flashy, the speedlite external flash gun. now they are with me most of the time. i'm back at my best. on form. artworks, posters, printings, pictures editing, you name it. yet still i'm longing to name my golf set. too many of them to name them all. ranging from the shortest iron to the longest driver. maybe i should have named them like, "irony" for the irons, and "drivey" for the drivers. hahaha. what's with the shallow naming scheme? so against my nature and so much the creativity, huh? lol~

now let's talk serious things with seriousness, shall we?

do you know that eagles will go through an crucial, decisive, ultimate change and a very painful transformation process in their life cycle? all eagles will have their peak of their life at the age of 40 when they are matured enough, they have strong talons and beak to hunt. they have big wings span, to soar very high in the sky and can dip through in certain level of water surface to catch fishes and they are well equipped with thick feathers to float and to protect them from mountain colds. one thing you should one know that the eagle has the longest lifespan of its species and can live up to 70 years.

but in order to live up to 70 years, an eagle has to make a hard decision. this has to be well supported with the ability to see what's beyond our senses, our eye sights. clairvoyance. we have to be far sighted and firm with the choices that we make.

apparently, when in their 40's, the sharp and flexible talons become less capable of grabbing prey in flight. the previously sharp and long beak becomes bent. the feathers needed so desperately for soaring become old-aged and stuck to the chest, making it difficult to fly like the eagles used to. life, somehow is not as nice as it used to be to the eagles. then, it appears that the eagles are left with only two options: whether to die or go through a painful process of change. the transformation process lasts 150 days. the eagles choose to change by going high up on the mountain to their nest.

then, the eagles pluck out the beak by knocking it against a rock until it's out. after that, the eagles waited for their new beak to grow back.

next, the eagles pluck out their talons and wait again till the new ones grow back.

afterward, the eagles pluck out its old-aged feathers and lets new ones grow while waiting. when the 5 months process of painful transformation is completed, the eagles are now rebirth or rejuvenated and ready to soar and fit for action again.

why is change is needed? why is it so necessary for us to move on? why the eagles are so keen with the extreme transformation which doesn't guarantee their survival in the first place? yet or maybe hence, they believe it is best for their survival.

people say that a lot of times, in order to survive, we have to start a process of personal change no matter how painful, no matter how long, no matter what, we just have to do it to breathe "life" back into our years. just like what i'm doing now. for the past one year plus. changing my paradigms, getting rid of old, enslaving memories, stale habits and obsolete thoughts to allow us to unload past burdens. which, i believe a worthy transformation. insha'Allah.

well, there goes my flying without wings theory. sometimes, doing nothing or doing less does not necessarily mean that you are not doing anything. it is just that you are doing something more meaningful. it's the quality, not the quantity. ya, ya, same old same old. :) whatever it is coming, i will continue to ride cool free, and smile upon like a bee. heck.. i'm so sleepy. zzzzz!

moving on

almost six months past. time surely flies. three words only. moving on onwards. have to. and i want to be more comprehensive for the next six months. that's it.

another consecutive disappointing season

real madrid failed again this year. another year of nail biting full of resentment as we watched barcelona lifted the title again. they managed to retain their title after been trailing by us throughout the season.

finally, after a season long thrill, it is confirmed that barcelona won the la liga this year. again. you have no idea how disappointed i am now. after one and another of failures. after being eliminated by third division alcorcon in copa del rey or better known as the king's cup, lyon ditched us in the champions league, which to be honest, a very painful exit to swallow, a bitter facts to bear especially we had so high hopes to reclaim europe's most prestigious title back in madrid in our own ground, in front of our own fans. this year's final will be held in santiago bernabeu.

what now? another revamp of bench and head coach for the next season? no, not again. i think, personally, madrid's management needs to be a little bit more patient on the team's growth and progress. they should give manuel pellegrini another season to improve and to proof that he is the true el engineur as they said. he was an engineer before ventured in footballing career as a manager. deep down inside i know he can do it.

we are playing a better football now. the sensational fluid football is there already. the statistic says it all. we scored more than 100 goals this season, we reached 96 points at the end of the season, but they are all not enough. just not enough. we are lacking on the result. no silverware, no result. in the end, statistics, records breaking, they all remain just statistics.

next year, we are going to do a lot better. after the world cup ends in south africa, we will rebuilt the squad. not to change the entire line up. they need more time to blend, to gel with each other. one or two new recruitment would do just fine. the rest, it is up to the team to bond and excel in important matches. they flopped in all important matches. nervous, maybe. i don't know.

this is my prayers, my hopes and expectations as a true real madrid fan, a team i have been supporting for the past 12 years. we will be back. i am a siempre sere madridista. like how raul and fernando redondo are. hala madrid!

patience is the key

yes, it is something that i lack most. i need to work on it. this is a test for me. i've drilled myself on humility and being a bit reserved, less transparent. bit by bit, i am improving. now i seriously have to inculcate myself in learning to be patient, living a life full of composure.

even my new hobbies are trying to teach me to be patient. golf and photography require high focus and equanimity. every shutter shot counts. every stroke contribute to the score whether it's boogey, par or birdie.

all my life i have been criticized, judged and penalized for being too honest and upright. sometimes is not about me. in fact, it is about other people most of the times, people that you love. i've stumbled few times and the statistic says that if only i could be a little bit more relax and i could have done better. self-control is not easy to master. to master myself.

this time around, i need to be calm and less self righteous. sit back and relax. be more observant. limit those silly silly little trivial many. if i can master this so very called self compose mastery, if god's willing, i will find my tranquility. patience is the key to my serenity. i foresee. amin.

another step forward

i have taken another step forward in my passion for photography. after the procurement of speedlite flash gun, now i'm throwing myself in printing. i printed out few pictures and artwork of mine yesterday. it wasn't a bad start at all. i just need to brush up my sizing knowledge to have a full and accurate printing output. from 3R to whatever Rs available in the market.

what else recently..hmm~

last two nights, i held a karaoke session in conjunction of various occasions for few friends. it was fun, we had so much fun, even though the decibel and tone weren't that pleasant, i must say. nevertheless, it's the thought that counts.

lady antebellum's need you now surely was one of my favorite that night. and guess what, i got the chords already..yeah, i looove the song. and it's going to be a longgg three months. sigh~

it is part of the job

last tuesday i held a meeting at my terminal. my very first meeting as a superintendent. i deliberated my expectations and standards. and we had a brief ice breaking session among us while enjoying our breakfast in the meeting room. after the meeting, we even had our photography session. i wanted to frame all faces who worked hard, helping me running the terminal.

and today, i had two foreign visitors all the way from sudan and indonesia respectively. both of them are future md/ceo for their companies, in which are still relatively new and learning in aviation business. i briefed them on my inventory, basic operations, my shifts arrangement for the operators and i even took them toured around the apron to witness the refueling operation of turbo propeller ATR type flight.

after that, i conducted another meeting with my staff, discussing on our getaway and welfare activities. and at the same time, i had to print a cheque to pay the land tax to the local authority. how irony is that? it's like i have to do everything. sigh.

next week there will be another two visits from our future customer. yeah, another series of welcoming gestures, mind you, it is, part of the job. i pay the utility bills, and i am also the operations manager. damn.

whatever it is, the responsibilities are mounting on me. i have so many things to learn, and i to be honest, don't really have any idea what i am suppose to know. it's like wandering in the dark. you don't know what to expect. but, patience on the other hand, positive thinking and resilience bold kind of character are few of the traits i want to inculcate into myself. in order to survive.

pray to Him for a smooth incident-less span of reign. so that people will remember me always, as a super superintendent, despite the look of a true walking "text book" narcissist. lol~