viewing my world through the lens

there are few newly released movies out during this festive holidays. i watched avatar and sherlock holmes. both of them were good movies. worth of the ticket bought. avatar is so going to win oscars. but, i like the combination of the narcissist holmes and the loyal watson. hilarious, full of wits and clever sarcasm. which i succeeded found myself laughing through out the movie. two doctors by studies doing something quite remarkably different from their original initial profession. holmes somehow reminded me of my self centeredness and self fondness. lol.

achtung! in conjunction with this very festive seasons and holidays, i humbly would like to announce that i just bought myself a digital slr camera, namely canon eos 500D. i've been aiming to buy one for a long period of time. i feel good about myself when i achieved it. self satisfaction. self indulgence. hehe. technically it was sort of like a shopping therapy for me, and it was a technical indeed, so to speak. i'm always fond of gadgets.

now what? let's learn how play around with aperture and control shutter speed. and of course, find myself a model to shoot. a beautiful girl perhaps. who would want to volunteer? apparently i'm running out of girl friends to be sacrificed as my experimental lab subject. hehe.

i am still new relatively in this. there's still a lot to be learned. too many functions to comprehend and to be familiarized with. that's all about for the time being. just want to share shreds of my happiness. self fulfilling when i managed to save some money and buy things that i've dreamed of. wish i could share this story with someone..nevertheless, happy holidays folks. until then, i'm out~

broken strings

i was driving alone destinationless around kuching town. put on my mp3 cd and james morrison's song broken strings came out. i heard the songs like hundred times before but i never pay that much attention on the lyrics. it is a good song indeed. it's singable but i didn't know the lyrics were nice too. for me, don't know about you. nelly furtado's voice fits in nicely with james's. the duet is examplary. here are the lyrics for you and your thoughts to cherish.

Let me hold you for the last time
It's the last chance to feel again
But you broke me, now I can't feel anything

When I love you and so untrue
I can't even convince myself
When I'm speaking it's the voice of someone else

Oh, it tears me up
I tried to hold on but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it's not enough
To make it all okay

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before?

Oh, what are we doing?
We are turning into dust
Playing house in the ruins of us

Running back through the fire
When there's nothing left to say
It's like chasing the very last train
When it's too late, too late

Oh, it tears me up
I tried to hold on but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it's not enough
To make it all okay

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before?

But we're running through the fire
When there's nothing left to say
It's like chasing the very last train
When we both know it's too late, too late

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse
So how can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before?
Oh, you know that I love you a little less than before

Let me hold you for the last time
It's the last chance to feel again..

sigh~

blessings in disguise

i have a wonderful life. i think i am. Alhamdulillah, syukur thankful to Allah, i'm still breathing effortlessly. i have a good job, my family loves me very much, well maybe too much for my mother, hehe. yeah, she can be a lil bit too possessive, demanding and controlling at times. since my brother got married, things got worse. it's like i'm the son she has. that is one of the reasons why i go back home every single weekend. yeah, i know, i am a mommy's boy. hahaha.

i got a long list of friends, really good friends. my mckk friends or koleq brothers, friends back in my studies days and friends i got to know in my working days until now. i am so thankful i'm surrounded with good people and smart people too. i learn a lot from my friends. some of them really care about me. it's good to know there's always people who care and give a shit about you. what else you could have ask for. i think i'm living my life good.

i have a good job. the pay is reasonable. i got to travel a lot. too much it exhausted me, wearing me thin. my clock runs faster than everybody else's. my calendar flips faster like i'm living in the fast forward mode kind of thing. my months gone by unnoticed. 30 days are like 10 or 15 days in my world. i've been around sarawak. i've been to many places, places i never thought i would be. i met new people almost everyday. my hardisk and memory have to be updated everyday. and it is kind of wearing. but i have a number of subordinates reporting to me and they all love me. that's comforting. when you have a set of people respect you and constantly seek for your counsel, consensus and decisions. i kind of like it when people listens to me. i learned their dialec well enough, even some of them couldn't believe that i'm not originally from here. and i have been exposed to their culture. i learn to eat their food, talk in their tone, dance in their steps and live their life. i think i'm proud of what i've achieved here in borneo.

business wise, i think me and my boss have introduced a lot of changes and new things here. new way of working, new standards of delivering, it's not just normal routine, and i've coached my boys to learn to deliver with honour, ownership and pride. not just daily works, it has to be different, doing different things differently. i think the result is starting to surface here, compared to how were things when i first arrive 2.5 years back. the breakdown number and frequency started to decrease, our expenditure spent accordingly as budgeted. i think i've done it. what it was expected of me as an executive.

i have a house. and my family live in it. i think that's the most noble thing i've done in my entirely life, buying a house for everybody. it's not that big, not too small. just nice. the location is convenient for my parents to go to work and visit my grandparents. it's relatively closer and the accessibility is not a question. the price was reasonable, considering of its location, 10 km from klcc. what else you could have ask for?

what now? i think i want to buy myself a sports bike. i'm contemplating between 3 models available in the market currently. kawasaki er6n, suzuki gladius 650 or the extremely expensive ducati monster 696. sigh ~ i don't know why i'm going back to my riding days. i seriously think that my parents will not agree with this but i have already considering to buy one. i have crashed countless times back in my younger days. i still remember i used to ride back long distanced from johor bahru to kuantan. and i once crashed in segamat and it totally broke my bike out that i have to stop and towed it myself to find a workshop before i could resume my journey. hehe. yeah, it was crazy. adrenaline rush.

kawasaki er6n

suzuki gladius 650

ducati monster 696

my mom will probably nag me. bla bla bla. well, she has all the right reasons not to agree. first, it is dangerous. i have not been on a bike since i left johor bahru. second, what happen to my cars? it's not that i don't possess my own transportation or whatsoever. this is purely lavish. and last but not least, a sports bike is bloody expensive. it gonna cost me 30K++, at least. and my dad will most probably ask me " are you out of your bloody mind, son?". lol.

the collision and forgiving myself

maybe i did ever loved someone before, but it wasn't never like this sincere. that happy, happier than that. perhaps i did missed a soul before but i don't think it was this deep. i probably fell for a girl before, but it wasn't as same as to this stumble. it's like this is my downfall.

conceivably, maybe, she'll never believe in me, my feelings, how i feel for her, goodness me, the love i built for her, the heart i traded for hers. it was different, i don't how to put it convincingly, but i just feel it. it might appeared like just another love story, except it wasn't.

yes, i dropped them down, my armors of ego, my vambraces of narcissism, my shreds of complacency tassel or whatever denial iron mask painted with guilt from past mistakes i was wearing, whatever was left of me. i thought it was A okay to open up, to let myself to be vulnerable again, to finally let someone come in and lend me a hand in my change process, to allow another soul to understand me for who am i and to help me heal from my previous battle scars. by perchance, i thought she was the one. maybe she was the one. right person but wrong timing, by chance. it takes two for a destiny, a serendipity. in a short while she elevated herself in my long friends list. we became good friends.

she was one of the best friends that i ever had. but i let myself consumed by the feelings and lure myself to be deceived by the wishful thoughts. i was my own venom, my own cocaine. i lied to myself even though i knew it was inappropriate for me to play my cards in this. and i put her in a difficult position, a rough seat for a ride, a space full of confusions, an obscure state of mind too painful for the heart to bear, for me to endure. i hurt her. and i put it hard on myself. too hard. and it made me become more susceptible to get hurt.

i was rather sensitive, thin-skinned to her words and thoughts. she's hurt and i let myself crashed whenever the times she tried to seek comfort from me instead of medicate her. i was so weak to hold firm my stance and just be there for her. of all people, i should have help her to get through it. not to deteriorate her more. oh, i must had broken her heart badly.

now, i lost it. she doesn't want to be friends with me anymore. i can't afford to even think that i lost my best friend and a fan too. someone who finally sees the good side of me, someone who perceived me naturally and honestly which is rarely happens to me. someone who appreciates me plainly just the way i am, someone who admires the sheer talents that were awarded to me, someone who really believed in me that i could change for the better, someone who finally be able defuse me from my anger, soothed me from my sore. she placated me through my change scheme.

but life must go on. my family and my work commitments need me. i can't stay etched, drowned and bruised. i need to forgive her and the only way for me to ever be able to do that is by forgiving myself for what i've done. i need to let it go. let it go, let it slide. i need to admit and face the truth that i made mistakes. i must confound my fear. i used to have her helping me conquering our fears but this i have to make it alone. then only, i can ever accept her apologies.i had the best 60 days of her approximately. she used to sing for me beautifully.

i'm not angry of her, i am just, tired, dissolved and helpless don't know what to do, what to say, how to react. dear God, what did i do? to deserve myself this kind of pain and twinges in the heart? will i miss her, will i be missing her? i think i am. the collision of her kindness that make it so hard, so hurt.

happy birthday mckk 9600

it was a fine tuesday morning. i was with my parents. we arrived in the royal town of Perak, a small pekan called Kuala Kangsar the night before. we were tired. it was a long drive all the way from Kuantan. i was 12 years old during that time, not yet 13, almost but just not quite yet.

i was still in my rocky one cap, kiko stripes collared tshirt, dek dek khaki pants and bata bubble gummies flourescent blue shoes. hahaha. we stayed the night at arwah opah's (peace be upon her) old crib at Kota Lama Kanan. we had dinner and small chat with her. then i went to bed, and yes, in my green stripes pajamas (hehe), anxious about tomorrow. the registration. my first day as a collegian.

the next morning, i still remembered my first look on Big School when we passed by Jalan Kolej Melayu or was it Jalan Keretapi. not sure of myself. i remember i did ask my dad, " abah, kenape boy kene sekolah kat white house?" hehe. yeah, i have to admit, it was a bit naive of me but Big School and The Overfloor did look like Washington's White House. in a way. the thoughts are still here, in my head and in my heart. like it was yesterday. never thought that alma matter would change me and would have me changed. i am who i am today because of the school. literally and technically speaking.

oh yes, i have fond and pond of memories there. i spent my precious 5 childhood years there. away from parents and family. it built a character in me and the rest of the boys. we had our ups and downs. we were together in every thing we did. we lined up to dinner and lunch. to class. we lined up to go play. those days. those were the days that i was so light hearted, nothing to worry about, nothing saddened me, i was broke all the way, away from my family yet, i was so happy. irony.

i learned a lot there in The Malay College. the love for our nation, for malay race and for my religion, of course. i learned about survival, leadership and unity. sigh. i seriously miss those days..when i think of it, i miss those white uniform and red stripes tie, black leather shoes, black belt and pin on type batch, preferably the metal type. the all white baju melayu with red checkered sampin and not forget the black suede songkok too.

it was our home, and she is still our home. home of leaders. The Malay College is not just a secondary boarding school. she is an institution. a training ground, a breed nursery for all rounders, multi skills soldiers and a sanctuary for production of survivors. i like to think of that way. i don't know why. it was not an ordinary school for straight As. if you want to excel in book or academic studies, well, i hate to decline but The Malay College, the national heritage is not the place for book smart. she is to breed street smart. sorry. it's kinda annoying when people keep asking me "malay college bukan dah tak bagus ke? takde pun dalam rank top ten spm? ade anak saudara aku baru abes upsr..ok ke nak antar dia mckk?" so wrong.

but we are 14 years after that day. away from it away from the sun. and surely we are not kids anymore. we are not boys anymore. we are a lot more than that. everybody has moved on, went through a lot of things, and we all changed, at least a bit but one thing for sure that the foundation is still the same. thank you Koleq, thank you for all you have taught me. i never regret anything you put me into even the bad ones.

" bangga ku rasakan, khidmat ku berikan, tak ku lupakan jasa jasa mu, oh, Kolej Melayu"...

defensive mechanism

helo guys. salam. i've been learning from Dr. Sher, a local psychologist. and i'm reading few writings suggested by him. oh indeed they are good and worth to read. they gave me sort of new paradigms on how human behaves differently. different people acts and flows different kind of behavior. different behavioral subjects.

all my life i've been critised by people around me of being self centered, narcissist, vanity and many more. well, that's life. you can't blame people for what they think, for their words, for what they want to think or how they perceive on you. that is just perfectly normal. some of the criticism i took them personally, hurt and some of them really constructed me and taught me lessons. some of them, after series of thinking, i decided to put them into my mental KIV tray. sometimes we have to filter the feedback thrown to us. it's good to seek feedback from people that you love around you. and even a stranger to you can give you sort of out of box remark on you, if you want it, you know, for check and balance purpose. we ought to have the self esteem, the confidence, the self beliefs, self love but in excessive mode would do damages instead. we have to maintain the balance. it's not easy.

i used to think that it is always about me. why are people treating me this way and this. but now i think, i've learn and understand that it is not always about iqhbal naeem. remember about the post i wrote on paradigms and seeing the world through different lenses? well, let's just say that i've tempered few mental glasses of my own. so, what is this have anything to do with the post title? from my reading, there are a lots of terms in cognitive psychological studies on human behavior. why people act defensively, what people are having the tendency to project their anxiety their discomfort on other people, why people deny things and lot more.

now, allow me list few of them which caught my attention. don't get me wrong. my intention is clear,pure and sincere. this is part of my learning curves, lesson learnt sharing. i am not secretly remotely critising anyone. especially not those who i care, who i love. okay, here it goes :

1. passive agressive = it is a defensive mechanism of negativistic personality trait and in normal circumstances, it is partly conscious. it can be observed by the common symptoms of ambiguity or speaking cryptically, victimization or blaming others for their own mistakes and many more. click on the link to read more.
2. projection = is something related to behaviors when a person can't accept the unpleasant feelings, guilt or any discomfort and try to project them on someone else. it's like projector, when you project anything in your computer to the screen. but this is more delicate in manner where it involves feelings and it has consequences in interpersonal human relationship. maybe, sometimes we as human we want the other party to feel or to suppress the same feelings that we are having during that particular time.
   
3. reaction formation = this involves adopting opposite feelings, impulses or behavior. someone who is having a reaction formation would embedded sort of like a defense strategy to treat their loved one in the same manner in which they’d treat a hated enemy. it may be failure of acceptance that the other person is really important to them. we don't know. everything happens for a reason right?
4. defensive mechanism = this derives a bigger spectrum of negative human behavior. whatever the reason is, being defensive is never good. i like to believe and to hold on that. and i'm striving myself improving on my tragedy handling skills. hehe. there are few level of defensive mechanism and complexity. projection is one of the immature defensive mechanism symptoms.

but what all those terms and studies tell us in common? in my opinion, let's go to very basic of human creation, which we homo sapiens are meant to be limited and imperfect. it's infallible. it is A okay actually to react such way. because every each one of us gone through different sets of experience and nightmares. it is totally understandable. we are who we are. we are created in different manners, colors, looks and background. that makes us unique and special. we are all heroes in our own stories. but God created us with endowments, of self righteousness, self awareness, the imagination, conscience and few others. everybody is equipped by those. and that is why my friend, we need to keep learning, implement. to improve. for the better.

now, why am i learning all this? simple. to instill and to learn new skills. to understand others. other people's feelings and needs. it IS not always about me. i want to learn the sense of belonging, sense of humility and gratefulness, to be humble and to learn to curb the deadly sin of vanity. i know, people perceived me as a boasting vain lad. i know. even my best friend also wrote about it.

it's kinda hurt to read about good friend of yours wanting to unsubscribe you from their life. but, again, my conscience is clear and i am stronger to make things work out. i've already put aside my ego, and try not to be childish and selfish. this is not about who is right who is wrong. this is about working things out, because deep inside i know i don't want to lose a friend. and this is part of me learning why people behave in such way. what is it about this life that is more meaningful if to make others happy and life less difficult. i'm sorry for my boldness and insensitivity, but trust me i care about my friends, i cherish our memories especially when we were young and i want to help them and help me too. it is never a one way street.

selfishness is so yesterday. narcissism is so last summer. it was nice but i have to move on. it's already a dusk in my life dictionary. hurting others is much sinner than your wrongdoings to Him. lets pray to Allah for His mercy and forgiveness. for the strength and endurance to live this life balanced and meaningful, here and for the hereafter. amin~

lights at the end of the tunnel

there you go. my new blog layout for the year of 2010. i know it is a bit too early to have this blog page revamped. but then, it's never wrong to be a few steps ahead of everyone, don't we? crazyh retrofitting is my business. just what i want, what you need.

last year was derived by the preceding year which pretty much telling stories about truth, the violence and gore from truths, trust and change mechanism. we are just around the corner to end and send 2009 to it's brink and welcome 2010, a new life, fresh breath of air. indeed. next year's stories will be all about disney's happy ending kinda stories, lights, colors and happiness. God said that after every each tragedy will come goodness and lesson to learn. after each and every one despair, comes joy, evolution and rejuvenation.

am i star? perhaps not. maybe it's too much to consider myself as one. but i like to think that way. to endure and instill the positive thinking habit. positive, positive and positive. resilient. 2009 was a year of learning, comprehending the good habits. 2010 is a year of practice. a year of living the habits. for the better. sharpen the saw. we are all humans, mortals, not vampires, not werewolves. we are not that strong to sustain in a straight course. we can't shift shapes and we don't posses the ability to accentuate accelerated healing like vampires. we all sometimes strayed and astray. we need to be shepherded back to the values and principles. conscience, self control, self awareness. right or wrong. what is best for us. some says it's not always about right or wrong every time. true. compromise or being wise is something that i would relate to humility and being grounded. which is exactly what i want to be.

this year is not an exception to misery, despair, challenges, hard times. whatever you want to name them. oh yes, i've gone through them, swallowed in agony, learned openly and recovered not timely but it was enough to make a living out of it. there's no need to elaborate on them. thanks to those who helped me went through every each obstacles and pitfalls. thousand gratitudes. couldn't have done without you and yous. your love made me stronger.

so, now, let us bid farewell to gloomy tears, long faces, wasted days and just say hi to the lights. the town holds no more to see, the same faces portray no more to be, and lets not rub the wounds with salt, shall we. move on. get it on.

this year i want to introduce brighter colors. lively. positive vibes emission kinda colors. bright colors, cheerful. pink is always nice. purplish red is nice too. but the stains are always gona be there. somethings are meant to be buried and left unsaid. some people, they are trained to be defensive. they like to justify and clarify. it's like they really really need to say, to express it all. and it hurts. it is not that i am trying to be absolved from the responsibility of facing and learning from the truth but, i just don't quite understand it when some people find excuses for their decisions made. they made life changing decisions, they told the whole world that those were baked after days in the oven and suddenly they tend to use other parties' past, nightmares or weaknesses to justify. why? for me, if you have drawn the line, which segregate between black and white, and kills the grey, you should have own it, own your words like it is your life you're holding onto. when the roof caved in and the truth came out, don't whine. drop your defensive mechanism and stop being selfish.

well, i think i've said it all for a starter. not bad for an appetizer. a teaser, preferably. so, do enjoy the new blog layout, and keep reading. you might learn something from it. shit happens but love happens too.ditto!

came and became

i am wearing thin. that's for sure. why can't i just gallop through this. i couldn't tell her. to get her convinced on how i feel. the time flies and all of sudden, it's daylight again. my life in the rear view now and i'm running away from my mistakes, artworks, songs, lyrics, pictures and poem.

maybe i have been looking for someone like you. is it safe to say, lost day, pictures and colors fade away, songs mute in a way, and is it safe for me to say that i am missing you, by the way.

someone once told me that it's never been a fair world. curbing the feelings, which is not fair. words is all i have left in the remembrance of all those. in a brief span of time, i learned a lot. more than i could possibly teach.

as time goes by, people come and go. they all do. but there are things remain the same, left a mark, a brand and a mission or even a scar. another cycle another lesson. another chapter another story another life to sync to sing.

but i am who i am. lame but the foundation stays the same. you made me what i am today for what tomorrow may come, what i've became..

two is better than one

I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life and I thought
"Hey, you know, this could be something"
'Cause everything you do and words you say
You know that it all takes my breath away
And now I'm left with nothing


'Cause maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
Maybe two is better than one
There's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
And you thought that it got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two is better than one


I remember every look upon your face
The way you roll your eyes
The way you taste
You make it hard for breathing
'Cause when I close my eyes and drift away
I think of you and everything's okay
I'm finally now believing


That maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
Maybe two is better than one
There's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
And you thought that it got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two is better than one


I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life and I thought,
"Hey,"


And I'm thinking
Maybe it's true
I can't live without you
'Cause, baby, two is better than one
There's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
But I'll figure it out
When it's all said and done
Two is better than one
Two is better than one..

in the essence of time

how well you treasure your time? is it really important to you to manage your time effectively? nowadays, people talk about the big rocks of managing time and time management. but, does anyone know that time also can tell different stories, truth and it also can heal wounds, or broken hearts?

i think we have to agree that when it comes to heart matters, we as mere mortals can't be objective or think straight anymore. it's not easy. difficult to make decisions when our head is so messed up with our emotions. there's no yes or no answers and it will never be black or white. it is all grey when you are in that state.

what's wrong actually? i think, if you really mean something that you said to someone that you care, you will be opened up and will be vulnerable. you'll have the high tendency to get hurt over trivial things, the small small things. because you were honest and sincere about how you feel towards the other person. once your head can't operate in its appropriate manner, you will say or do things that you'll regret afterward.

what happen to me? i think its been awhile since the last time i was in love. and there is something about me being in love. i have this "oneitis" syndrome and symptoms like there is no other, there is no replacement for her and i give it all like tomorrow never come. laughs. funny as it sounds, but i seldom get into this kind of trouble.

so, what do i mean by time as medium of medication? sometimes, we just need to let it slide and heal by itself. space and time are brothers and interrelated to each other. together, they work wonders. if you let it be by itself leaving it with a space, a room to heal, a medium to recover and to learn, as time goes by, the result will come. some people they can forgive but they can't really forget of the collateral damages done or taken place. but as time permits and space enduring, people will eventually come to their senses that it is not really an ugly world afterall and there's always hope or something to learn out of it.

all my life i have hurt people around me and i have been hurt many times as well. it reciprocates. i am so sorry for all the bad things i've done and those harsh words i've thrown. i just want to you to know that i mean well and i've learn things out of it. it's not that i don't regret or ashamed of my wrongdoings but i like to think that there's always light at the end of the tunnel and there's always rainbow after rain. i learned a lot from my mistakes to become a better man, not a boy and all those had me coloured and colored my life. like a rainbow. but in a permanent kind of fashion.

God creates me this way with all the strength and weaknesses. for me to leverage, to share, to coach other people, to extend my joy and happiness in order to make people that i care to be happy. and to learn to improve gradually from others. not to distract or make other people's life miserable. i just want to love regardless and unconditionally and i hope to be loved endlessly.

dear you, yes, you know who you. i just want you to know that i really care about you and it never occurs to me, not even a split second of the essence of time for me to think of hurting or bringing harm to you. i never been this sincere and you teach me a lot of things, you analyzed me and your analysis teaches me to open up. that its good at times to be yourself again. your kindness and care healed me and helped me go through my nightmares and darkest fears. i know i have never been nice to you, and i don't have anything to offer. all i am is just a complex difficult subject for you to comprehend. so sorry. but deep down inside i just want to you to know that i want to share things with you, and maybe perhaps you can learn something out of me, even the silliest thing it might be.

now, all i need from you is you to forgive me and i'm hoping that you won't give up on me and my change wave. my quantum leap change progression. i'm growing for the better and i seriously hope that you can be a part of it. all we need is time and patience. i know we can be amazing, amazingly significant to each other eventhough it stays platonic. i am so proud that i've known you that our path crossed eventhough i didn't start in the kind of good footings you would expect me to..

finally, we have come to the end and after series of reality checks and reality really does bite. back to reality. i hope you cherish my ever presence and the colors i brought into your life. and the pantone colors never stains, never sinks and never fades. i wish. i hope.

i require strength

dear god, help me. i am so confused. i don't know what to do. i gave it all and i let you to do the rest..show me the way. the path of goodness.
amin~

everything makes sense now

now everything makes sense. this world it revolves around an axis, round and round and so do this life, eventually will come to its senses. there are things will never be explained. i thought it was like that. but after couple of years, suddenly it comes and knock my head and everything flashed back. i wonder why can't i comprehend everything first time first hand. why does it always have to be some when later. is it because of change of paradigm?

paradigm means how we see things, how we see the world. we see the world as it is or the way we are? most common people see the world the way the are, how they live their lives, how they operate..but successful people see things differently..by looking the world as it is. we really need to get our head straight before we do anything, before we decide on something. paradigm is like a mental map. a map that guides us to the correct destination. where's the destination? it depends..but one thing for sure, principle governs the path or how you get to the destination. what do i really want actually in this life?

hmm, tough one aye? well..i just want to love and be loved by the loved ones..hahaha. scrap this..bosan tunggu flight lama lagi~bluerkk

can you handle the truth?

i have just learned a lesson recently. the very one thing that matters in this life is the balance. and when you talk about balance, it brings you back to the very basic of elements of life which is the truth. the truth is what this life all about. people said that the truth hurts. as matter of fact, it does. that is what i learned few days back. it did dismantled me to be unbalanced.

i have always been straight forward kind of guy, i don't usually go around the bushes and i am not ashamed of the truth. i speak my mind and i own my words. even if i screwed something up, i will try to think of how can i make it right again rather than being fuss about what had happened and being grieved about the impact of what had i done. and surely, i appreciate people who is honest and speak up the truth because i appreciate the truth, i do, i really do. without the truth, people will lost their tracks and don't know what to do. i am speaking of past experiences.

is it really that hard to stand up for truth? i don't really believe in white lies. why lie just because you don't want the other party to hurt because you know the deception you give will only make things worse. for me, just hit them with the truth if you really care for them. i hate people who thinks those white lies will make them look good or leave them as the "good girls / guys" or their incapability in telling the truth because they don't want feel bad about themselves. i'd say all those are denial kind of character or maybe lack of integrity.

my advice to you, don't be a coward and tell the truth even if you screwed up badly. because i would appreciate it dearly and it will be much easier for me to make decisions deriving from that. i hate it when you lied on my face, when you dishonest me. how do i know you weren't telling the truth? because your actions after that didn't speak in your favour and the truth..

maybe God knows this is the best for me. being isolated from the truth..but surely one thing for sure, not everyone can handle truths or have the ownership to tell the truth..

being hypocrite or just ideal me?

last week, i went for a course arranged by the human resources entitled personal and interpersonal breakthrough facilitated by Dr. Sher Kawi, a famous psychologist in the nation. it was a good workshop as he used "personality plus" as one of his tools to conduct the class. i got excited as soon as i was handed over the personality test. guess what? i am all totally sanguine with the highest scores that no one ever recorded before..36/40! such dominant.

long story short, there were few conclusions made out of the three days stay in Pullman Putrajaya.
one, the company is not interested in the whole idea of being real me. they want the ideal me. the professional who behaves accordingly in true professionalism. meaning, i have to scrap the whole idea of being consistent, carrying the sanguine manner all the time. i have to adjust depending on the situation that i am in for. different hats for different roles that i am playing. its going to be a bit weary.

two, the ideal me means i have to be a hypocrite. just like one of them. you know, being submissive and buy each and every idea they sell. i have to sell my soul. i hate it but just to remind me and my conscience, i am doing this for the sake of surviving in the company. if i don't do this, another m3 will guarantee my exit. i'm like a race rat in this messy business of mine.

three, this whole professionalism thing is about managing perceptions and expectations. not so much of being wise, mature or smart. if you want to excel in the business, you ought to play your cards well enough, stay out of troubles and maintain your good reputation. one does not have to be very smart or very likable to go all the way up but, you just have to know where and when to strike. laymen term for it, be an opportunist..

now that i'm getting to understand the game and their games, there's one thing that concern me most. can i top the whole spectrum of this hypocrisy game?? let's just play along and go with the flow for the time being. but until when? only god knows what is the best for me and for all of us.

as far as i am concerned, they can force me to be whatever they want but i am not going to change entirely, giving up my true personality, character, my wit, my perspectives, and intelligence. one day, i will wipe out all this ass kissing culture and prove that this very odd witty geek can also be a good leader to change the whole world..insha'Allah.

dear God, hear me

i have been overwhelmed by a sad story. i feel so down now. feel like i'm being victimized and being treated unfairly. but who am i to have such skepticism and who am i to be in the position to judge? words and hearsay can not be digested, require filtration and a lot of facts confirmation before taken into consideration especially in the virtue of making decisions.

after all i've done and sacrificed for the organization, and what do i get back? i didn't put too much hope on merits, but demerit instead? well, that's harsh. now, they put me in 6 months probation with series of monitoring and counseling. can you believe that? bite my fingers, i can't believe it myself either.

am i that bad? i tried to deliver what it is expected from me, timely and with conformance to the specification. i tried to stay clean, no quarrels, no bad communication with peers and subordinates. do i deserve such downgrading?

Allahualam..

what now? lets not be such a fuss, bitching around about what happened. be a man, and keep on improving. things that i've learned in the two holy cities. never give up, and maintain a pure heart. avoid finger pointing, admit it it's my shortfall, own it like it is my weakness and never have bad thoughts on people.

patience. come, let us pray for His wisdom so that the truth will prevail, we stay in the straight path and let us not be astray. the truth is, it is never been a fair world.

amin~

why can't people just don't talk bad about other people?

what drives you to write?things come when you expect them the least.i chatted with a female management representative in the organization through facebook in the very odd 5 o'clock in the morning.who has ever thought of that?i got the knocked on my head.such early in the morning.

we started with my recent umrah and ziarah to the two holy lands.then arisen these sort of stories of people talking behind my back, untrue or partially true or other words of it, exxegerrated stories.shame and sad to know that we still have these kind of jokers in the organization.don't they have any better management thing to do that talk about other people?worse, they even discussed about this in my appraisal session.how subjective they were.am i that bad that i don't deserve any credit for what i've done and sacrificed for the company, to even been punished with such accusations?shocking, really shocking such stories they brought.

one word, unfair.totally unfair.Alhamdullilah, i'm back from my umrah and ziarah last week.it was a superb fascinating experience.a priceless one.and surely i learned my things over there.and i was so sad to leave Mecca Al-Mukarramah and to end my soul connecting session with Him.surely, if He grant my prayer, more rezeki from Him, i definitely will visit Him and His Rasul again.


when you are to be seated in front of the Baitullah, you will feel it.like you are so close to Him. during that particular time, you really don't give a damn about merits or appraisal rating 2,bla bla bla.all you care about is your sins and your deeds.that was what i felt, at least.

one more thing i learned there, forgive and forget in grace.we should forgive people for whatever zalim stuff they've done to you.if He, the merciful can repent and cleanse people from their sins, no matter how bad they've sink in the bloody swamp of sins, why can't you follow His steps of mercy, grace and honesty?

well, that is exactly what i'm trying to do. forget about all those people.move on.forgive them and always have good thoughts on people.never skeptical, never talk bad about them.insyaAllah~ more pictures in my flickr photo page. www.flickr.com/photos/kukubal

moving again or moving on?

i heard rumors that i am gona be transfered again soon. don't know, not sure when exactly but the hearsay was strong saying Senai will be my new home.
back to the operations?yes, i'm going back to the operations. why? have no idea. perhaps, it is time for me to move on from maintenance. i suffered a lot here in maintenance Sarawak. and i did learned a lot too. but then, another move after nearly just only two years here? there's must be a reason. one, they don't want me here anymore or two, some people at somewhere need me more than the people here, which is in this case; Senai people. will this be beneficial to me or am i just another black sheep or scape goat in some shit cycle to solve someone else's problem? yes, i am single, very mobile and high adaptability. but is it really necessary for me to move? i mean, later of course yes, but now? don't you think it's kind of too early to be relocated?
i will celebrate my milestone in the organization this august. only to reach my 3rd employment anniversary and i have already transfered twice and soon it is going to hit number three. shit, it's tiresome. packing, moving, settling back down, start all over again, new place, new faces.
i'm just..exhausted. that's all..

speed of trust

i have been away for quite sometimes and i think it is high time for me to write something in here.i feel obliged to write albeit the sluggishness. :) nothing much to update,really. but hey, i go back home every weekend nowdays. like old times sake when i was in penang. yeah, it costs, a lot but i guess there's nothing much there in kuching that have me fond.

my relationship with my superior?hmm~devastating.one word.thousands stories.it's personal now, and gone beyond professionalism, i guess. but what actually went wrong? i screwed up, yes, i did. he's micromanaging? a bit. i had my thoughts on this and i scrutinied it to one word. TRUST. the trust between us is no longer like what we have established when i was first adopted into his team.
when trust is decreasing, it costs higher and slows things down. the communications deteriorated, both of us keep labelling ourselves, lacking of integrity, talk bad on each other behind our backs, things like that. he misinterpreted almost what i said and got them all flat out wrong. it is really discouraging and wearing me down.

now that i've identified the root cause, what's next? the real challenge is not just wacking the roots instead of plucking the thousand leaves. it's the follow through, the fertilizing and watering part of the plant. sort of. first, apologize. bow low to the fartest. only the strong can have a sincere apologing manner. i somehow doubt that he will return the favour but, let's skip that part. if i am sincere, insyAllah he will do the same thing. second, action speaks louder than hailer. i have to prove him wrong. and we will see how things go by.

if i regain the trust, have it repaired, and have it fully restored, i will be back on track. i foresee things will be expedited. people says if you have violated the trust given, distrust, it is almost impossible to get fixed. i read the book "speed of trust" by Covey. it emphasized that it is can be achieved.

have faith, and never give up..i am bold, but the character is just too harsh for the boss. sorry..hehe..

new face same place

after a year of long writings, i think it is time to change the mood, the color and the layout. the concept might looks the same but the color settings are a little bit toned down, pastel, pantone, sort of.

why breaking the habits? i chose "truth hurts" and "breaking the habits" as the theme drive due to the recent paradigm shift i had been going through. been consumed by the deep conceptual writings of Covey's 7th habits of highly effective people lately. my aim is now to achieve my so called "private victories" and then propel it towards "public victories" by breaking up with same old lame habits - routines that have been dragging me backwards all this while. i am in the midst of change and vibration coming out from the change wave can never be as promising as this.

truth hurts? truth is always mean. infallibly. after all i have been through in the year of 2008, hence i can sum up with is truth is always mean but it guarantees you the end results with full of honesty. dare to speak the truth. or will you suffer on the consequences, suffocated.

so there you go..enjoy the new layout. for the rest of the year. considerably. InsyAllah..

career or the personality?

helo love. same old same old. i've been reading a couple of books recently. one of them is called the "personality plus" by Florence Littauer. a bit old school one but it will do good to you if you read it. it derives on the four quadrants of human temperaments. detailed and can be applied to anyone. the book tells me that i am a "popular sanguine" type of person. and a little bit of "powerful cholerics" blend to it. this is a natural blend of an extrovert, the optimist. sanguine is the talker (which is soo me..i can't even stop talking longer than 5 minutes, and i always feel like it is my duty to fill in the gaps in any conversation) and cholerics is the achiever. sanguine is the "always a child" type and cholerics is the "you have to do it my way, NOW!" type.

the other two temperaments fully elaborated in the book are the "perfect melancholy" and "peaceful phlegmatics". these two types of character project the introvert attitude of people. melancholy is the perfectionist and the phlegmatic always calm and thrives for peace.

nevertheless, i am not going to describe the details of those four temperaments here. i am being absolved from it so that you guys can read it yourselves. it is a very effective book to get to know your character, who you really are, your strengths and weaknesses, what went wrong went you have arguements with other people in your daily environments (seriously), how to identify what kind of temperament a people falls into and so forth. here i want to share my recent dilemma.

in my previous post, the "ifs, buts and maybes", i have once wrote about a complaint that i received from my superior. that i am lacking in sense of maturity, whether it is how i carry myself or in my attitudes, behaviors and paradigms. and things are getting worse, worsen and worsen day by day. as i somehow irritates him, unintentionally and unconsciously - by my way of doings and some of my thoughts and comments. so i tried to relate back what actually went wrong back then. is it me whom all the blames to carry on or he played some part or a role, where he himself just can't get along with me, professionally.

he keep saying mean things, urging me to grow up, making fun of me and accusing me being resistant to change and step into the real world of responsibilities. actually, to be honest some of his words were harsh and rude. but i can take them on my chin. at least, eventhough not in the first attempts. i tried to relate back to my readings. and i found out and convinced that he is a "perfect melancholy". he sets high standards and he just can't stand people like me. we annoy him, in such way that we don't even realize it. i used to believe in him, trusted him that he meant well- trying to develop me. but then, now, slowly i begin to doubt his attention and his methods.

those words just hurt me. it is not that i don't want to grow up. i am growing up. to achieve myself the independence in physically, mentally, socially and emotionally. now all i do just getting on his nerves and pissing him off. all i say seem just don't work out anymore. not for him, at least. he easily misunderstood and got me wrong. and it is getting worrying for me. how am i going to survive in the organization if it stays like this?

but on the contrary, my professional ethics and proactivity say "don't give up". so i did talked to few of my friends in the organization. there are some similarities in their thoughts thrown out. saying that i have to train myself not to do things which annoy the boss. to accommodate him. to compensate my huge so called differences between us. i have to carry myself as what he wants. no compromise. serious, focus and no more goofing around. less talk (which is the hardest part, i think) and sacrificing the "just be myself" theory in me. i always believe that my character is my gifted strengths. an endowment that provides me the ability to adapt and communicate with different level of people. but now, that doesn't seem to work out anymore, isn't it?

so the dilemma now is, to chose to go all out with the character transformation for the sake of my career progression or stick to the ultimate me so that i am always comfortable with who i am and work my way up with whatever it is that i have now. sighs~

i'm now applying the "15 seconds rule", counting 1 to 15 whenever i feel like talking so that i have the ample time to think whether it is necessary to open up my mouth or not. hahaha. funny but i feel like it is a necessity now. i feel like shit when i didn't say what i had in my boggling mind. but slowly, i begin to see that it is ok to not fill in those conversation gaps. it is fine that i don't get to be the center stage anymore. it is cool that i don't get to be the life of the party or the meeting anymore. it's okay..it's hard but it is for the best.

one of the words he said which hurt me most sounded like this, " we feel the bitterness in you. that's part of growing up resistance syndrome. go find yourself a pacifier. we cool?". ouch! no, we are SO not cool..damn!