MMXI the new beginning

this year's coming to its end. my god. time really flies. it feels like it was yesterday when we moved on from MMIX. so many things happened this year yet i can't list them down.

as usual, when the new year comes, i'll change my blog layout. just to give it a new color, new life, new hope. but honestly, i am still contemplating what theme shall i be using and what motto will it be as the header.

since i'm in the midst of designing my own wedding reception invitation card, i'm thinking of using the same theme as my new blog layout. to give it the honor to her and the whole wedding thingy. to encapsulate the whole memories of my big day in my humble scratch page. in conjunction with they say.

may MMXI be the most wonderful year ever. may it be the blast. i pray for the good things to happen in MMX. let us wave our hands and say goodbye to MMX and say hello MMXI, the new beginning.


p/s: the new theme is more or less like this. and it's still under construction. thus, stay tuned. love, me, iqhbal naeem.

checklist checked

i have so many things to be done. most of them are, DONE. in the likes of, barang hantaran, my baju melayu, nurfirdaus's long dress, her handbag, her shoes, her crabtree and evelyn stuffs, my golf oakley, etc. and to be honest, i didn't know getting married can be this stressful :)

but i always find a way to run things simultaneously, correctly even at the very last minutes. call me jack of all traits, master of none.

the problem is, with the three stooges i call us, me my sister and my mom, we do most of the things ourselves. we want to do it ourselves. and at some point, i was thinking of taking our wedding pictures myself until my mom reminded me that i'm supposed to be wedded, celebrated, NOT taking pictures :P we search for fabrics, all the way to singapore, we found the perfect lace and bought everything, for everybody but we skipped the satin and the chiffon. how irony was that? i designed my baju melayu, sampin and her dress myself. and not forgetting the tanjak.

the hall also, checked. booked. together with the master of ceremony. which i rather let it remain anonymous for a heat surprise. if only i can do the pelamin myself. but hey, i did engaged a wedding planner, but basically i gave her a big headache when i sketched those layouts myself. the hall decors, the fresh flowers arrangement, the bench selection. crazy.

we even went to nilai, three of us, who else other than me, my mom and my sister, in quest for doorgifts. but of course i leaved the tedious works to them. gluing ribbons and plastic flowers and arranging crystals for our hantaran, let's just say, i am too busy to get my hands dirty :P but i did had a say in everything. the color. the arrangement. everything.

the very big question is, is it normal for me to have my hands on all aspects? maybe. it depends. but i just want to say that i am all proud of myself, my mom and my beloved young sister for what we had pulled out together. the sweats, the fights in fabric shops, etc. man, you have no idea how ugly it was. got lost in singapore, when my phone blacked out, and we couldn't refer to GPS anymore to get back to malaysia, and only confusing foreign sign boards to guide us. how crazy was that? it was fun though, that's for sure.

but i know, in the end, this will be all over, and going to be just fine. i know, it's not perfect, nor it will be a perfect wedding. but i do know, that i've tried my best to make it happen, as perfect as i want it to be. it may not be perfect, but definitely it's worth it. and i love it.

p/s: the only two things left are, the invitation card and the nikah registration which is approximately 50% completed. taking things slow, as i prefer first things first.

memories last

i just watched the reader in one of the satellite television channels. i didn't know the movie was THAT good. it was simply, touchy sort of like two in one story. what a drama. i've always like drama movies. interview with vampire, count of monte cristo, the prestidge, etc. those are my favorites. but this drama really hit me deep.

the first story was about a cold boy fell in love with an older women probably twice his age. but the affair only lasted one summer. but she left a big impact on his life. he was in love, that's for sure. they make love and then he read her, story books. oh, she loved it. being read. he thought it was real. but then she left and she didn't say goodbye. he waited, but only to know that it was dead over.

few years later, he met her again, but this time not at her cozy small apartment secretly. this is where the second story started. this time he met her, no, not literally met her. technically, he saw her. but at a court trial. apparently, she's one of the defendants of jewish genocidal war criminal. she was in a jewish camp before she met him which eventually become a professional law practitioner. she was a SS soldier. she admitted that she committed those crimes, just to stay in her denial state of mind. that she is an illiterate. not be able to read and write.

but the story is not about her sentence to be imprisoned for lifetime. it is how she learned how to read during her sentence. he kept sending her tapes. tapes of those stories he used to read her years before. long long time ago. he's probably in his 40's, divorced, always lonely and cold as always. and she utilized those tapes to learn to read, and write.

all in all it was a good movie. heartbreaking. and david kross, the young boy and kate winslet were superb in their acting.

but ego pays. a lot. and ego kills. at the end of the movie, she killed herself. probably by the same reason why she was imprisoned for lifetime, her ego.

but, the memories last. they lasted for his entire life. he couldn't forget her. the details. every. single. detailed details. how he met her for the first time. how he used to read her books. even after she's gone.

same goes to me. i might not be the same lawyer who was pervert enough to have an affair with someone older but i do, have my own set of stories. stories which i rather call them the quiet things that no one ever know.

i might looked okay, but deep down inside, there are some things, embedded. they stay. intact. like the reader.

yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah. oh yeah. i think it's been a while since i wrote here. nothing much. hectic with daily routines and the preparation details.

but hey, chris brown just released his new single entitled yeah three times. i think the video was cool. brown at his best again. at least. tantalizing beat and cool video. after all those rihanna black eyed thingy, right? his moves, the quick feet dance, simply terrific. it reminds me of forever and with you's video :)

here's the video link. enjoy it though~

time is running fast, the clock is ticking superfluous. so many things to do. but deep down inside i know, these all are worth it, and everything is going to be just, just just, fine. finger crossed~

finally finally

finally. finally. and finally. i'm engaged. my intention to marry her was pure and truthful. that i almost drop tears when her father said he accepted my uncle's engagement proposal on behalf of me and my family.

finally my sincerity is accepted sincerely by the receiving end. sincere and honest enough to accept me for who i am and for who i've been. and for who i am going to be and always be. honesty is no longer the hardest thing for me. now it's all about me and honesty.

finally finally i got what i always want which is sincerity. finally finally she's all my true and truthful authenticity. and finally finally i am almost complete, completely.

i am all happy. everybody is happy. all cheery for the soon to be, finale, finally finally :) then i can hold my chin high that i live my life truthful, and hopefully successfully. they rhymed, yeah! :P

old cottage

i'm back at my hometown, Kuantan. for this year's eid-ul adha. there's always something refreshing about this house. the house where i grew up. and there will be always something to ponder, to refresh and freshen up about when i come back to this house.

this is the house where i used to feel everything was so big. but now everything in this house is small. and looks cute and simple. like how three of us, me, my brother and my little sister used to be. and it's always nice to look back at our toys, our old bedroom, the bed sheets, my room in the attic, my old lego collections, my sister's cute old Garfield knitting, our old pictures and frames, our old text books, our old t-shirt collections. all the things are still there, untouched. man, it is good to be back. it's almost a year past since last time i was in this house.

it's not that i don't want to go back, as my mom always keep pressing me to drive her back during weekends. but work commitments, golf, and other stuff prohibited me to do so. but it doesn't necessarily mean i don't miss my origin.

well, sometimes, it's good to rewind back where we come from. to remind back how far have we come so far. the stretch. so far yet so close. i might have bought another house in the city but my heart still beats this house. so close and dearly. this is where it all started for me and the whole family, 5 of us.

i miss my childhood. this cottage speaks the whole volume, the whole spectrum of memoirs of my childhood, and my journey. sigh~

remember november

it's almost half past november. so fast. feels like the year is just started. like it was still in march or april. man. time really flies. so fast in a blink of an eye, you won't notice that people around you change, a lot. and worse, you won't be able to realize how much you have changed over the months.

speaking of november, at this point last year, i was still in Sarawak. staying up late. usually. that time, i just picked up golf, about to buy myself a set. look at me now. back home in the capital, and golf is almost everything now :)

last year november was one of the toughest months, difficult period of time, in my life. i learned a lot this month last year.

this year, it's all a different story now. i am getting engaged two weeks from now. who ever thought of that huh? :P

nothing much to point out in this post. i just want to share how much i've changed as an employee and as a person, as a whole. and i am much happier. stable. chilled :) yeah, it's good to be back. i mean it. it's GOOD. till then, i'll catch up with you later, with more updates on the engagement. OMG! i'm getting married!! :P

bridge it closer

just because we are different in many ways, it does not mean that one of us is wrong. how many times i've wrote this line in numerous posts before.

all we have to do is learn, learn and keep learning about each other. embrace the difference, accept and respect the gap and bridge it closer by mutual interest and consent.

this is very crucial. in sustaining any relationship. stop day dreaming of the impossible, the existence of "the other half" or the significant other or someone similar like you. there's no such thing as such. everyone is unique. even a mother can think differently and argue with her daughter. and even a twin brothers killed each other over a girl.

but i, have knowledge over this. for years. i will not let the same old mistakes reoccur. and i will not forgive myself for any secondhand stumble. it's so cheap that my pride is too big to tolerate with.

i have to be wise and tactful in this. to please all sides. everybody. i know it doesn't sound right, saying it alone doesn't make it any better. but this life, of a matured person. i have to do this.

be careful of what you say and what you wish for. you might get it all. even the bad ones. and too much of anything can make us sick.

perseverance is the key. keep myself on top of everything. compose. think thrice then name the price. it will be a surprise. of what i can pull of :)

tealing fuchsia

fuchsia and teal. yes, finally, i made up my mind and managed to convince my ever fussy mom to choose teal and fuchsia as our theme colors for our reception. what a combination!

on and onwards

last weekend i drove to johor bahru with my mom. to her place. along with cupcakes and fruits. long story short, the deal is on. and onwards. say hello to sunshine, the light, the lantern :)

big step for steep bloke :P now contemplating on the theme color~

complement and compliment

we are like symmetrically complementing each other. and isometrically keep complimenting each other. she loves numbers and i'm better in words, colors, shapes, songs and bla bla bla. basically, everything less structured, and anything else other than rigid set of things named numbers. i lead, she manage. and i like that. it's the thoughts that count. 11th of february next year is the date selected. i know it's kinda rush but we are working for it "virgoriesly" as a substitute for vigorously. yeah, i made that up :)

she is so sequentialed and organized. well, you know me, obviously jumbled up yet rhythmic =p

i got you

i've been listening to leona lewis' i got you over and over again. what a nice song from a talented sweet singer. i just want to say that i'm so glad and proud that i found you. finally :) enjoy the lyrics~

a place to crash
i got you
no need to ask
i got you
just get on the phone
i got you
come and pick you up if i have to
what's weird about it
is we're right at the end
and mad about it
just figured it out in my head
i'm proud to say
i got you

go ahead and say goodbye
i'll be alright
go ahead and make me cry
i'll be alright
and when you need a place to run to
for better for worse
i got you
i got you

ain't falling a part, or bitter
let's be bigger than that and remember
the cooling outdoor when you're all alone
we'll go on surviving
no drama, no need for a show
just wanna say
i got you

cause this is love and life
and nothing we can both control
and if it don't feel right
you're not losing me by letting me know

a place to crash
i got you
no need to ask
i got you

and you have me.. :)

towards the completion

how irony things can be. how fast things turned out to be. after weeks of self searching, and self reflection, i am now not just getting better, a bonus, a blessing, a privilege to have her coming into my life in a very unexpected fashion which none of us can ever derive.

after all these years. after all the sufferings. after all those battle scars. finally, i have what i want, what i always wanted, only after i realized that i am nobody, not even close to perfection. then, she entered this timid life, purging the air back into it. like an apparatus. and now, i'm inhaling alternated by exhaling.

i couldn't believe this is happening. so does her. both of us can't believe that in months time, we are complete. all in all, i am so happy and glad that my prayers are answered. gratitude to Him, i am now changing my pace, my course towards the ultimate thingy, called fulfilling. lets pray to Him so that things will go smooth in future endeavors.

for the first time in my life, it doesn't feel so hard. no doubt, no hassle, no worry. and i don't have to be anybody, nobody, just me. like it's my destiny. surely, this will be the most anticipated event of all time. can't wait :)

vaccine

rehab rehabilitation. getting better. vaccination is finally here.

new drivey

i just bought myself a new driver. taylormade burner to be exact. and i was successful with my tee off last week. i love my new drivey :)



here is one snapshot for 7th hole second shot. iron 6. but it wasn't that successful as i wanted it to be. hahaha :p

sick

today i just learned hard truths. sour and bitter to swallow. number one, i am emotionally sicked and i need help. that's it. when you are mentally ill your physical also very much affected. i lost my fire, my positive energy. it feels like i am all soaked in a acidic swamp. i don't really feel good. laid down. couldn't eat. number two, she's getting married. well, everybody is leaving. and when i looked around, i am all alone. too bad. another pain. and this is beyond comprehension. sigh~

home

as usually, with bad morning breath, picked the guitar up, forced my younger sister to hold the camera phone for 4 minutes long, and wallah! there you go. and these places and the faces are getting old, then i'm going home.

patience

don't get too carried away, i say. sit back and observe more. for more signs. i need more data to work with. lalalala~

happy eid-ul fitr 2010

this blog is suppose to convey good and meant for nothing but kindness. i never intend to offend anyone, not one soul. hence, in conjunction of this year's sacred eid-ul fitr and its blessings, i seek thousand apologies to all of you, body and soul, externally and internally, my most appreciated anonymous "the readers".

especially to innocent "wan nur ashikeen", always jovial "sakinah al-mubarakah", my sweet "tuan habibah" and my dearest "tunku isma adrina" for all my wrong doings, wrong sayings and my wrong writings. forgive me for all my verbs, nouns, vocals and thoughts. you guys mean a lot to me. and this is my admission of guilt. when lies become the truth, that's when i run to you. i regret all the sins i ever said or done to you, everyday as it will never cease, my love to you.

and the rest of you out there, i seek hundreds of forgiveness from you if i ever offend anyone via this humble personal thoughts scratching page.

pink is the theme for this year's eid color. and so does my heart to all of you. have a good raya. till then, keep on reading, just iqhbal naeem :)

up in the air

i watched the movie last month. i didn't get the chance to watch it at the cinema few months back so i bought the original copy dvd. seriously, it's a good movie. now i feel like writing about it even though i could have jobbed this down long time ago. yes, procrastination. still lingers :)

it's about a man who works for a company which offers a service to any organization in a very specialized delicate task of disemployment. in laymen term is, he goes around to fire people out of their jobs. how sick is that? but he is freaking good at it. he's good in everything he does.

but i am here not to talk about george clooney and his cold cruel occupation. i'm here to write about how deceiving this life can be. if we are not careful and mindful enough bout it.

a promising young talent also been assigned to under shadow him. she has to follow him around to learn how to fire people effectively. i can't believe if there's such thing for a living. anyway, the character in that movie also goes all over the states not just to put a formal misery into people's life, but he also gives motivational talks. he fights for this so called "self-freedom" or "self-independence" against the whole crap spectrum of this world. that no one deserves the "unnecessary" headache of the "should not be the thing in the first place" marriage.

believe it or not, he goes around and encourages people not to get married and trying his best to inculcate that it's like a backpack, full of things, so heavy that the straps are cutting their own ways into our shoulder flesh. he has his own sets of wish lists and targets in life to be materialized. and he summons that everyone should forget about marriage and just follow each other dreams. he also tried to convince his apprentice, the girl, that what's the point of having a boyfriend if you know happiness is way beyond your grasp.

he just does not believe in the whole idea of having someone to share his life. his miserable life. he's living in denial. pretending that he's all happy to be alone. being in the air, flying all over the places throughout the year. staying in the hotel most of the time. sheessh, what was he thinking? i've spent most of my sarawak days in the hotel rooms, and i tell you it is not even close to be fun. not at all.

but along the story plots, he met a girl. who is somehow the female version of his. they got clicked, easily, not a surprise. a miserable man meets a lonely girl. what an equation! they do fun stuff together, they laugh, they dance, and they even fall in love with each other. he thought, at least. he thought that she is the one. finally. against his preachings. finally against his conventional belief. he finally thinks that it is time for him to be vulnerably opened to the real love. he feels he is now ready to make a connection.

but the truth is, he is just an escapism for the girl. one day, he went to her hometown, without telling her, for a surprise visit. he showed up at her door, only to be more miserable to know the truth that she's married. with kids. sad but true. and that's how the movie ends. he learns the very hard truth. that he is all alone. he has no friends. no family. and he is getting older and dying. the fact that everyone is dying is traumatizing enough but dying alone is much terrifying.

so what is the lesson can be learnt here?

one. do not ever believe that we can live on our own. we all need others in this life. be it family members, friends, or even enemies, to keep us going. public consummation is the ultimate victory. be good individually is just not enough. being a successful and important team player for a winning team is much satisfying.

two. not everyone is as how we perceived them to be. he thought that the girl likes him and single and ready for his ever anticipated love. but she is not. he is just a contemporary temporary dreamy toy to her dream world, away from her normal life as a mother and a wife. whenever is needed.

three. which is the most unbearable. he has to eat his very own words. he is now walking backwards. against his own quotes. he is now desperate for someone, for someone's love. his self love is just inadequate, not anymore as he finally believes that it is more than all those. he achieved all his targets and dreams. and then what? he knows now the concept "two is always better than one" makes sense.

ouch and triple ouches. ouch, ouch, whoa ouch! it couldn't get any subdued sadder than that, ain't it?

paradigm and change

i once wrote about paradigm shift. last year i think. paradigm is how we see things. how we see the world for example. is it through who we are or via how it is actually? now allow me elaborate deeper on this.

the world revolves around it's own axis. round and round. and everything in it moves too, along with the world's movement. day and night. the water's streams. seasons whether its summer or winter. the moon. the temperature, the icebergs' movement, mating or nomadic patterns for the bird flocks. whatever. and for sure the world does not swing according to anything inside it. except for His plan and wisdom. and it doesn't change through out the time. it's fixed. the only time that it will change its course is when He says enough is enough, it's dooms day, and it's already too late for anything. i just can't imagine if the earth changes its rotation from time to time. then it will be a disaster. this country will be having four seasons and it's snowing before you know it and then back to tropical over and over again. the north pole is having a summer of 42 degrees C and then back to the convention cold. it's tsunami, el nino, la nina, it might be an el nini and how many other els or las before you know it. how fatiguing is that?

God created this world with a fixed system for a reason. and yet nothing is permanent in this world. everything changes. that's how ironically beautiful the world is.

same goes to us. we have to change all the time but our paradigm should be fixed. to the correct and realistic course of it. we have to understand, in this life, over until the end of time that the world does not revolve around us. nor anything in it. it is we, who are subject for change, consistently. that's the truth. we can not just assume and say that we are like this or like that, and everybody has to follow us just the way we want them to be. we can't expect everybody has to accommodate us everytime. we can't expect us to be in one state forever and any other things which matter to us to adjust themselves in pursuit to suit to our needs. and the very cruel fact of life is, we just can't expect everybody or the world in bigger extend, to understand us. we adults are not toddlers. infants, they asked their parents or someone older to accommodate to their needs or requests. and they are allowed to use tantrums as a medium of persuasion.

but remind you readers, we are not toddlers. not anymore. at least. if you are, you won't be reading this in the very first place.

the world does not have the time to be around us. it is us whom are responsible to run at its pace in order for survival. the success story plots behind the pace, whether it is a strive, a jog or walking tempo or a crawl. you choose. i choose. we pick. if we decide to be reluctant to catch up, we will be left behind and be extincted in self created exodus like the dinosaurs. we have to be matured enough to comprehend that it is our responsibility to our-self and our survival. this is a community world full of societies and their complexity. and constant change is a must. an individual war against complacency.

talking about paradigm, is always related to change and its component, its agent. but i rather write about it another post. i like john kotter's writings in his award winning management book entitled "our iceberg is melting?!". it's about change and it's a serious essential. but before i leave, let's us sit back and think, self check, do we really see the world as it is, as a ever-changing world or we are still viewing it via a narrow perspective, behind our toddler bed's bars?

back on track

i once wrote about sarging. i think it was back in 2008's archive. somewhere in there. that i've created a so called nom de plume or another psyche name after kukubal and misery loves company, dedicated for that kind of world. to accommodate the other side of me. and that's how i come up with j tryst. as mache created kristo.

i was good in the game. focused and always few steps ahead of the girls. but now it seems that i've lost my touch. i am now blurred and just can't operate the way i used to, the way it should be. fiercely charming and sleek. but now? failures after failures.

maybe after what happened with ms. A, the whole tragedy just had me knackered and incompetent. hahaha. well, i thought it was a real deal as i was. she swept me out of my feet. dang! just like that :P

i need my wing man back. mr. kristo is now so overwhelmed by deceptive promises and his own compromises with a girl now. in which we used to regard as the most deadly sin of all. to be "oneitis". i need to go out more to sarge. i need to create and rehearse new lines, new tricks, few sets of new puzzles, new moves. and new fresh pond to fish. so that mr. JT can get back on his track. ditto! :)

unpleasant decible

i've been longing to do this. here is my first video. i know it sucks :P so be gentle okay? i woke up late during the weekend and grab the guitar straight ahead. so mind me the multiple unpleasant voices from the same vocal chord box :) and i assure you there will be more to come. enjoy~

hierarchy of associates

deriving from the previous post, i'm bound to chalk this out of my mind. last night pyan taught me some insights. that there are few separate mental level of friends in our life. and this can only accessed in our mind.

there are normal friends. there are colleagues at the office. school mates. acquaintances at the gym, at the guitar or piano lesson classes. friends of friends. passerby. and these people reside at the bottom of the long list, and ongoing. the trivial many we call it. they don’t deserve much from me. but, there are, few seats at the helm of the list. where loyal friends stand out. true souls who really understand me. faithful friends who define me and vice versa. someone is capable to compromise as quoted by manao/mache last night, those couldn't afford to see me undone. a brother or a sister like, not blood or genetically related but would rather hurt themselves to even save me from myself. this so called limited vital few are to be maintained. at some point, i begin to settle just for a fixed number as in the seats don't grow. at this age, i pick my bffs. i don't do random anymore. we all go for the selective mode. because, they have to work for it. they did efforts to prove themselves. that they are worth for all my loyalty. it took years for some of them to earn it, to earn me. stood by hand in hand steadfast in all weather. because they know how true i can be to my trusty friends.

sad but true, those seats now filled for years by boys mostly. not many girls can make it to that extend. there were few lucky ones, be able to bring the best out of me, fortunate enough to see the real me, blessed enough to live in my world full of undivided exclusive affections. just propitious enough to feel it. but good things don't last. nothing is permanent. and that's why there's a word called "memory" in the vocabulary. initially i thought that they can maintain their spots. but they screwed up after all the love and warmth i gave to them. i forgive and had them forgiven though, don't get me wrong. who am i not to forgive and not to have mercy.

but there they remained, lay flat at the bottom, to climb up all over again. because sometimes "sorry" is just not enough. because the damage has been done. for me, hurting people intentionally is like driving a nail into the wall. but when you remove the nail, the mark stays as an orifice. you have to work extra to fill in the hole back. depending on the depth. you can't expect a simple sorry can make things better and be the same as it was before. i mean it because you meant it when you did those.

i am a life changer. i affect other people's life. i influence. and i privatize conscience. yes. i am deep. i used to think that people will learn from me as much as i wanted to learn from others. but now i'm done with nagging and sharing what's right or what is wrong. if they want the best from me, they have to earn it. i'm in no mood to drag passive passengers anymore. i don't have time for those anymore, not at this age. avoiding or ignoring those stagnant and complacent people is one of the selective methods in my friendship's chain of command. shut them down since there were patterns of failure reoccurred as they are so contented with who they are and proud to be who they are. i tried, believe me, don't say i didn't care.

i will not yield and i've retired from compromise. i am adamant in this.

will the search be continued? well, that's a difficult one. i do not know. nor i comprehend it. but the pray continues because i still believe in it. that one day, she will pop out of nowhere, bringing me the light, the glow, the illumination and for once to chart me up for the ending of all my sufferings. amin.

corteous gestures

everyone has their own cycles. we are all normal human being. no matter how strong, how bold, how tempered like an iron we are, we all bound to have our emotional dip. mood swing, change of temperament, dispositions of mind fraction. whatever you might call it. it is just not normal for us to stay happy and smiling for twenty four seven three hundred sixty five long.

i am always the optimist kind of character, jovial and bubbling over. that is how most people perceive me. at least. but still, i have the other dark side of me, the not so funny of me. the mellowed, mundane and sensitive partitions of my personality. we are all unique blend of traits, aren't we? tried to sustain the bright colors, but i can't maintain the energy through out the time. it is just impossible. i'm just so full of designed flaws.

thus, whenever i am in my sinking mode, i will sit back and think. to regain the strength, the stamina of resilience. normally, i'll be back on track by myself within the time frames. depending on the weight of the issue. there are times, when i'll seek for words of wisdom from someone older, whom i really look up to. my former boss, mr. sam for example. and there will be times when i'll run to my friends. in search for the brotherhood kind of comfort. to crack some silly jokes, to remind me of those crazy old days, to have me distracted especially when i found no exit, no point of perspective no focus to the tangled issue. so that i can channel my energy back to find the solutions. normally for solution craving issues. but when it comes to heart matters, dilemmas and dramas, where i need no solutions, when i need someone who can tell me that it's okay to feel that way, that i'm still the man, that i will go through it thoroughly. so that i'd feel better. and habitually the soft voice of a woman touch ease me down. sooth me flat, putting out the rage. and my beloved mom and her tears never fail.

i just need someone to be at the other receiving end, to listen. i don't demand much. repeated simple nods, recurred "uhuh"s and number of persisted "i feel you"s would suffice. which i found it rare among boys. i'm not saying my long life dudes are not capable of these medicating routines. but there are times when i much in need of a female friend to have me poured with supporting elevating words. when i need a friend. she doesn't have to be my girlfriend or a lover. and for me, i do not require feelings to keep me and the listener intact. it does not necessarily have to be feelings everytime or to get the feelings involved. we are not talking about sexual intercourse here. it is just a simple plain courtesy from a friend to a friend. a gesture. an act of appreciation for who he or she is, for who he or she has been. for his or her kindness. all i ever want is sincerity. but my mom said that not everyone is adequately sincere as how am i sincere and heartfelt to them.

sadly, not everything in this life reciprocated. my late great grandmother used to remind me that not many people in this world understand the true meaning of courteous manners and kind courtesy. now i got her point and why she stressed it to me so many times until her last breath. and grandfather always strike me a chord that sincerity is so hard that it distinguishes us from others.

terrified

terrified. this could be good it's already better than that. and nothing's worse than knowing you're holding back. i could be all that you needed if you let me try.

it's been a while since we last heard from katharine mcphee. i love this song. this song is written by jason reeves, a singer song writer who wrote bubbly and realized popularized by colbie calliat. enjoy~

different

me and faqroul were having our own acoustic session last night at his crib just to fill in our independence eve night. what a drab night. cold and so not patriotic of us to just sing and playing guitars, indoor :P anyway, he mentioned this song, and i was like. shot. why not? let's sing this :)

why? what's with the grin? hehe. here are some brief narration behind the song and how it began. lol.

i used to drive all the way from penang to kuala lumpur back and forth. every single weekend, without fail. back in my penang airport days. used to sing this song in the car while i was stuck in the traffic just exactly at the middle of the connecting bridge from the island to the main land. it was my official friday's afternoon song to sing. among others, obviously :)

this is a very meaningful song to me. used to and always have. when i was trying so hard, working too bad, to be different as i was still searching for the meaning of all this. was in a rush of blood to the head, in a quest of who am i truly. people change and i've changed significantly. and funny that i didn't notice it until i heard this song again.

what a way to reminisce memories stored slight to the left side of my cerebellum. what a song to remember. and what a tool to call the past, the part of this anatomy which i left long gone.

all in all, enjoy it, as it has been to me.

valiant pride

there's no valiance in being proud. learn to let go. ego is just another sublime version of our audacity. submit to your majestic so called self esteem, or self defined boldness, whatever you might call it, then you have just submitted application for a downfall.

i'm writing this from a humbled seat, from set of misfortune experiences how pride and ignorance (two eccentric traits which until now i found myself strangled to find the chemical reactions between those two) had me flattened far from flattered. punished over things that i thought derived me best, that i unwilling to let go, which i was so comfortable with. complacency again complacent. lesson is learnt.

if it's not being resharpened, even a chainsaw can't cut through a paper. same goes with us, we need to be reminded, retrained, and to be awaken.

so open your eyes and wake up, knock knock. who's there?

shrug off your shoulder and lift the chin version of you?

or, another transformed person with the right palm on the left side of the chest and head's down?

it's your call. listen to your heart beat and write your own story.

poem : guilty pleasure

the sky has lost its color, and the sun turns grey. at least that's how it feels to me. whenever you're away.

the fragrances are now odor, and oh those drab days. at least that's how i feel when i am no longer me. which coincides with your presence's sway.

i crawled up in the corner. to count the minutes pass. each one brings me closer to, the time you're coming back.i can't take the distance, i couldn't stand the miles. just in an instance, the thoughts erased the smiles.

but i see the lights now. i always do. i pray now for the end of the coo. sounds of despair from creeping in. killing all i ever believing in.

these mellow traits just don't have me operated. instead, it derives me as stagnant, and segmented. thus i need my palette of colors back. just don't leave me asphyxiated in the sack..

for you to notice

i'm starting to fashion an idea in my head where i would impress you with every single word i said. would come out insightful or brave or smooth or charming. and you'd want to call me. and i would be there every time you'd need me as i'd be there every time. but for now i'll look so longingly waiting. for you to want me, for you to need me. for you to notice me.

but life just won't go according to our plan. we plan, we make the effort and we pray but He decides.

i'm not mad at you. nor i'd be hurt of the fact that you don't want me as i want you to be. but the attitude and mentality that you portrayed just too inadequate for me. i just couldn't believe that you exhaled it. that you'd be the first to leave to avoid unnecessary conflict. that you are too fun not to ruin your day with what's bothering me. man, that surely hurts. and what would make me then? perhaps just a conflict, a burden to you. i still hope you didn't make those such statements sandwiched with pure intention.

i don't know about you, but i personally think i do deserved some empathy at least, from someone who regards herself as my friend. when i need a friend. and the fact that you are too proud not to call me until now speaks for itself. shame.

well, there's nothing i can do to change that. believe me i tried. to inculcate. it's just that i think it would be best for me to be the first one to avoid any forms of unnecessary selfishness :(

which knot did you tie?

almost always pick the best time to drop the worst line, almost make me cry again this time, another false alarm, red flashing light, i got choke during my dine. said them intentionally and you felt fine.

but i'll be just fine, pretending i am not, apart from lonely, and it's all i've got. i've been trying to have your words sorted, but i found it a hassle due to all those knots, so i thought, leave them unraveled i rather not. because the truth is so mean like the time flies, abducting my youth.

you see, knots are not chords. they don't rhyme. they are not synchronized. no beat no lyrics no melody. it's like a plague with no remedy. full of symptoms but no direct cause, whatsoever. and i do believe the symptoms will be prolonged, propelling towards greater course, forever. but this is no comedy. not a charity, definitely infallibly not funny. all empty, halt and vacuum.

i like kris allen's the truth. honesty is honestly the hardest thing for me right now. have been singing and playing the guitar over the song lately. unwillingly liking it. my mind tumbling, my heart crumpling, my hands trembling as my mouth mumbling. too bad, three sad. sigh~

p/s: those pictures do not imply any correlation with my mumblings above.

faster the better

pray for haste recovery against the existence of a fair-weather friend. knowing it alone stabs my heart.

thrice is a stranger

i'm only going to ask you once. hesitance is a sign of procrastination for me. and surely procrastination is a theft of time. and i always work with time line. timeliness is essential to me. and there's a time line for this and for anything. you can't just drag things long. too long till further seems forever. i don't have forever for everything, for anyone, to notice. and i don't dwell too long on the past. it ain't going to change anything. we have to be responsible in everything we do, all the decisions we made. we learn from the past not be haunt and be slaved by memories. we mourn then we move on. i am a memory master, i rekindle but i'll try not to get burnt like a candle. i like to do right things right, first time. for me, we have to be grateful of all what we had and what we have, and learn to appreciate things what's in front of us because we will never know what's important to us until it's gone. so that we have to do it one time, once. yes, i am a forgiving character, merciful soul. once and twice are twin brothers. but thrice is a stranger. and we are not getting any younger. i bounced back normally, but too much of it can make us sick, and if i decide it to call it off, then it will be a turn off, permanently and definitely not a mozoltov. for once, in an instance, let's do it right. sincerity fades. and so does my faith and my smile. but the hate, it stains.

there's always second time for everything

i was moved with faqroul's writing about bangkok and our second trip to the city last month. i didn't get a chance to write about it, even though it's almost a month already since we got back. but there's no harm in a belated post right? :)

i think i am left with nothing to say since faqroul aka john wrote everything nicely. last two years, manao, pyan, john and JT when to bangkok and we fell in love with the town ever since. but sadly, manao and pyan couldn't join us for this year's trip. but we have yam and ben to accompany us.

for me and john, it was like an homecoming. we stayed at khao san, again. nothing much changed except that our nana inn last time has been demolished and we have to find our ways for different accommodation. still, cheap and comfortable. clean room with air conditioned and hot shower, for 25 ringgit per day. man..surely was a good bargain.

shopping? as usual, it was a frenzy. chatuchak never fails to drive us haywire. and for the second time, me and john got lost in the weekend market. it was so big, and cramp. indie stuffs calling here and there. we went there on both days. and still mambungkrong, the air-conditioned version of chatuchak after that. and my leg hurt badly after two days of walking. too much shopping can hurt. seriously.

small store tailors are everywhere in bangkok. in khao san itself, countless tailors shops. i made 1 corduroy suit, 4 pants and 3 shirt for one thousand ringgit. really really cool stuffs i made this time.

this time around we had a diversion through out our stay in thailand. we went to pattaya and stay at the beach for a night there. again, never disappointing. never knew they have pattaya hollywood club, same as the bangkok's but smaller. one word to describe about the club, awesome.

well, i've promised myself not to elaborate more initially but now i think i've just gone overboard. enough. you have to go there and experience it yourselves. and i'm not shy to book myself a return flight ticket to bangkok again, in near future. but first thing first, spain trip must be materialized. i'm saving to go spain, to fulfill my boyhood dream. i know i can do this. alone or with a group? i don't care, i'll go alone if i have to. till then, JT's out~

the way you are

i've been searching for bruno mars' new hit single just the way you are piano or keyboard tabs. i'm so into keyboard now.. here's the song's lyrics. for you. i like you just the way you are, despite all those nagging and psychological sessions. i need not to elaborate more, the song speaks nicely for me :P enjoy~

Oh her eyes, her eyes
Make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly without her trying

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Yeah I know, I know
When I compliment her
She wont believe me
And its so, its so
Sad to think she don't see what I see

But every time she asks me do I look okay
I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

Her nails, her nails
I could kiss them all day if she'd let me
Her laugh, her laugh
She hates but I think its so sexy

Oh you know, you know, you know
Id never ask you to change
If perfect is what you're searching for
Then just stay the same

So don't even bother asking
If you look okay
You know I say

The way you are
The way you are
Girl you're amazing
Just the way you are..

fallen

it's like i've been pulled downwards. it's so easy like the gravity. reasonless. need no explanation yet so demanding. ah, let's not go that far, i'd say. it ain't deep. it's just another lame version of an avalanche.

lalalala.

wishful thinking

i was just wondering. sitting alone in my office's room in the middle of the night. taking a break from graphs and charts and data. ya, it's kind of spooky knowing that i am all alone on the whole floor. my operators are downstairs. i think. assuming one or two of them are watching astro in the crew room. or, they might even not in the premise. standing by at the apron waiting for transmile cargo aircraft to be refueled.

i am trying to conduct two studies. one, to convince the management that i need a bigger storage tank for my aviation gasoline or also better known as avgas. two, to convince the management that i need optimum 3 persons per shift for my 24 hours operation. that's the reason why am i still in the office this late.

when i'm all alone, it usually gets to me, to think. of many things. so i was wondering what it is like if i have a family now. a wife, cooked the dinner, waiting at the dining table for me to return so that we can have dinner together. sigh, wishful thinking. and again, reality check kills the dream, taking the breath of me. exhaled. frustrated. no surprise there.

what would it takes to make you come back? the dream. the thoughts. of having someone. but i keep telling myself what it is, the truth, and it's just ain't like that. and i'm just getting boring and boring. even my mom told me that i look gloomy nowadays.

ya, right.

tell me

tell me what we got, tell me it's a lot, tell me it's the real thing. tell me not to change and always be the same, tell me that's a good thing, it's a good thing. tell me not to lie, tell me not to wait, tell me that you want the same things as me. tell me that it's fate, driving me insane. tell me it's the real thing. that keeps me hanging on..

the flow continues

spain u-19 won against italy and you got to look at real betis's midfielder ezequiel calvente. how he took his penalty.

well. the vast talent pool is getting bigger. there are still plenty of young and talented skillful players waiting for their time to represent spain in international flight. barcelona's bojan krkic, arsenal's fran merida, athletico's de gea, osasuna's cesar azpilicueta, real madrid's alberto bueno, santander's sergio canales, sevilla's diego capel, and now calvente. man, it's surely going to be a headache for the coach to select 23 players for any major tournaments.

and the free flow continues. ole!

forbidden goodbyes

ten years ago i once said this to all my friends and junior when i left the malay college, "there are things better left unsaid, and goodbye is one of them".

this year, this season, real madrid club de futbol will have to part with two of our all time living legends i.e. raul and guti. both of them have been with the club since they were kids and been playing almost 15 years in the first team.

"it was a hard decision to leave but i need to continue playing regular first team football", said guti the magical full of visions playmaker. the five-time spanish league and three-time champions league winner that it was not an easy decision to leave his boyhood club and that he felt sad at the departure. he is the true passer, master of assists and through balls.

for raul, it is needless to say, to state his contribution and devotion to the club and to his nation. he is their all time top scorer in all competitions in the likes of primera liga, champions league and also in their national colors, one goal ahead of sensational david villa. he's the living legend, the icon of spanish football. real raul. he's a true leader, a classic example for all young players, in and off the pitch.

but life is like that. people come and go. sad but it is for the best of the club. both of them need to continue playing and staying at santiago bernabeu is a hinder. guti will be reunited with former real madrid coach, bernd schuster at besiktas, turkey while raul will join felix magath's company shalke 04 in germany.

with both of them leaving, iker casillas the legendary goalkeeper automatically will be the new real madrid captain as he already succeeded the same responsibility from raul for spain national team. and sergio ramos will succeed guti for the vice captain post. i think.

both of them are good friends. together with many life time friends like fernando morientes, zinedine zidane, luis figo, roberto carlos and fernando redondo, they played together for many years. raul, 33 this year, father of three boys and a girl, is truly a leader, clean ever clear from any gossips neither any red card for 15 years and he is a true barcelona, athletico madrid and valencia destroyer. he scored many times against the three biggest club arch rivals. here are some videos, tribute to them.

1. raul alejandro blanco gonzalez, raul's wiki
2. jose maria gutierrez hernandez and guti's wiki

this post i dedicate special to them, a tribute for the kind of class,technique and the flamboyant style of play,reasons why i am so in love with real madrid and spanish football. ever since. i feel the lost of madrid number 7, el capitan and number 14, el dominator. already.

if it's love

yep, another version of "ifs, buts and maybes" story. i've been practicing the chords of train's new hit single called if it's love and few other songs. i like the song and i love the lyrics. it just, knocked me in with some sense. so enjoy the song. hope you'll like it.

While everybody else is getting out of bed
I'm usually getting in it
I'm not in it to win it
And there's a thousand ways you can skin it

My feet have been on the floor
Flat like an idle singer
Remember winger
I digress
I confess you are the best thing in my life

But I'm afraid when I hear stories
About a husband and wife
There's no happy endings
No Henry Lee
But you are the greatest thing about me

If it's love
And we decide that it's forever
No one else could do it better
If it's love
And we're two birds of a feather
Then the rest is just whenever
And if I'm addicted to loving you
And you're addicted to my love too
We can be them two birds of a feather
That flock together
Love, love
Got to have something to keep us together
Love, Love
That's enough for me

Took a loan on a house I own
Can't be a queen bee without a bee throne
I wanna buy ya everything
Except cologne
'cause it's poison
We can travel to Spain where the rain falls
Mainly on the plain side and sing
'cause it is we can laugh we can sing
Have ten kids and give them everything
Hold our cell phones up in the air
And just be glad we made it here alive
On a spinning ball in the middle of space
I love you from your toes to your face

You can move in
I won't ask where you've been
'cause everybody has a past
When we're older
We'll do it all over again

Love, love
Got to have something to keep us together
Love, Love
That's enough for me :)

there's "more" to it

it's true. sometimes, it takes months for a person to realize something. some people years, some might need a hard bang on the head to learn some cheesy idea. some require series of unfortunate events or accumulated frustrations to finally swallow the truth.

today, finally i got myself out of it, beyond doubts and confusions. to finally kill the emerging hatred and to eventually wipe off the bitterness in me. now i got it. understood. it's possible for her to feel it that way but at the same time get herself confused, like what she confessed.

well, she made her decisions already. for the better. for the best, for all three of us. for him, for me and definitely for her. it wasn't the famous choice of all time, and surely wasn't pleasant at all. she got to choose. and somebody has to loose. it was hard for me to swallow and now i understand, finally that it wasn't easy for her too. maybe it's true about those things she used to tell me. but it's just me, too greedy to have it all, to proud to accept the truth and her decisions, either or, perhaps both.

but things are different now, probably too late to amend. i said things, mean things. and i regret those. this is the best for everybody. everything happens for a reason. now i just stick to my prayer, like i used to said to her, that i always pray for her happiness. there's nothing else i want other than to make her smile, even it costs me to weep. she is in good hands now, better than mine.

i thought she lied. i wanted more from her, more than what she could possibly to offer, nothing less than what she could never be to me. nothing was enough for me. she tried. but i was just too proud to admit that what she offered was the best she had. to be friends, and demanded me to stay, stick around.

maybe she was, telling the truth. that she loved me, but she loves him more.

first star

so my prayers answered. finally. there's always first time for everything. and my god, infallibly it was a sweet victory for the whole spanish regions and confederates. be it basque, catalonia, la coruna, vigo, andalusia, canary island or palma de mallorca, castille or la manca, they all spanish tonight.

the beginning of a new era. i think they deserved it. it was quite a poor game. not up to my standard, definitely not to the team's standard and level of play. but in the end, the team who created more chances and dominated the possession more won the game. justice in football. beautiful game prevails.

whatever it is, a star on the batch of the shirt is surely a big thing for me, and for the rest of futbol romantica out there. first time that, first time those. and the first star erased all the scars. ole!

sweet victory for the first timers

it was hell a technical game. a tactical battle in midfield. but all in all, in the end, it was 179cm tall puyol who got the better of taller german defenders in the likes of 190cm per mertesacker and arne friedrich.

first time for everything. first time in the semis, first time in africa continent, first time both previous winner and runners up out during group stage, first time that, first time those.

and i hope it will the first time ever for a team to win the world cup despite losing in the opening match, to be the very first european team to bring back the trophy from outside europe, for their first ever world cup triumph. then, they will be the very first european team to clinch both world cup and euro back to back.

the echo to the heart

well, it takes a lot more to listen than to mumble. it takes courage, patience and maturity to listen. people said that the giving hands are way lot better than the receiving hands. same goes to this, listening just supersedes talking.

what is it that people meant when they talk about listening? listen is certainly not eavesdrop. that's different, that's not the kind of listening that i want to talk about. many people can talk, there are a lot of people are loud out there, quite a number of people love to debate, pouring opinions, sharing knowledge, and so forth. but few can really listen. that's the truth, unnoticed in today's society.

it takes the heart to listen actually, not just the pair of ears, cochlea and eustachian tubes. listen with the intent to reply, with the pure intention, intentionally to response immediately, is not really listening after all. you see, if you pay that brief attention just for the sake of collecting some information, probing, writing your own script, analyzing the case while deriving the mental synopsis in your boggling mind, well, i wouldn't call that listening at all. that's inquisitive.

emphatic listening is to listen with the intent to understand, to feel to very bottom heart of the matter, to appreciate the other person on the line who's sharing his or her problems, what's bothering them, to put yourself in their shoes, embedding a pure feeling of love nothing else than to help the person who is in much for a hand, patience enough to succumb all the possible threats and defensive symptoms from the person, because not all people are brave and humble enough to seek for help. most people, will normally go around the bushes, reluctantly to tell the truth, of telling the real problem partially, or putting the defensive mechanism as a wall to protect their ego and they think they will look weak for telling the truth, confusing the listener, leaving the listening mislead. so many possibilities, and one could get hurt during the difficult task of listening and enduring. but that's the true kind of maturity, lending our ears for people that we care.

it looks simple but not easy. it's hard but it's not impossible to really listen. practice makes perfect. that's all. but the bottom line is, we have to be sincere to listen. kind enough to spare few minutes, just to give the other person the support that they are looking for. it's not the solution or opinion that they are looking for. it's not really that much they seek for. but it takes a lot to listen. it's okay to play dumb fool for a while. it's okay for not being the smarter one for the time being, because the one who listens is way much stronger. emotionally, mentally than the one who's screaming.

listening to me, it's like a heart beat, like hard beat, it's like a heart break beat, beating out of me. just like what brandtson said, the echo takes me down to mexico.

anti reckless abandon

after two years, it's time for me to reminisce on my bangkok trip back in 2008. this friday, me and the boys will go there again for an annual rugby match between our beloved the malay college, versus royal vajiravudh college. it's a big thing, another historic event for both institutions.

the rugby match is scheduled on saturday. i think. or sunday. not sure myself but surely, we all will shoot to chatuchak, the weekend market on both days. for another shopping frenzy. this time around, i want to get things which are really really important, things that i've been longing to buy, things that have been in the list for quite sometimes, worth for a penny.

i have my own list prepared already. i have to be prudent this time. i don't want to get too excited with all those cool tshirts, leaving myself becoming a reckless abandon in thai's capital. learned from the previous visit. that's what we do, learn from the past for a better tomorrow. we let go the haunting mistakes that we've done, we do not put all those blames on anyone, not someone in the present, certainly not in the future and we take full responsibility on whatever happened to us that we made a choice, and we can't be absolved from it.

so, a corduroy suit and few colorful ties and probably, leather goods. that's it. that's all. i want to take pictures. a lots of them. and i want to go to the thai kickboxing match, muay thai. can't wait..

but then, first thing first. tonight will be a historic day for my team. spain for the first time in a world cup semi and bidding all their luck on the madrid's cibeles fountain to go all the way to the final, a rendezvous with the dutch. surely, a good match anticipated. what a day, what a week, what a life.

pride devours

i personally think that seeking feedback from others on how we've progressed is good. a good practice, definitely a good thing. it might be a necessity, at times, depending on the situation, different circumstances. we need others to assess us sometimes, to give the check and balance. so that we know that we are doing the right thing.

you see, conscience alone is not enough. we need others in this life. why? because we are not perfect, not even close to perfection, if there's such thing as one. being independent is good, a true characteristic of maturity. but extreme independence becomes negative. we don't want to be too independent like an island, don't we? isolated, disconnected and helpless.

actually, interdependency is an act of another maturity level. way beyond the private victory, against extreme self esteem, pride and self indulgence. i'm not saying that self esteem is not good. we have to maintain a certain level of self believe and confidence. but in this life, the very best thing is balance.

being able to listen and paying attention, observing others are few attributes towards the public victory. the ultimate winning. but listening alone is just inadequate. we need to be opened, unoffensive, not defensive and less complacent, mature enough to accept people's opinion and feedback. listen first and then assess the information. accept, and appreciate the differences. the differences are beautiful. just because we are different, distinguished from each other, it doesn't mean that one of us is wrong. it's just up to us, whether we want to learn from each other or not.

pride and complacency are two lethal unnoticed carcinogenic virus in people. people sit back and embrace themselves due to their ignorance. and those can consume us eventually. if we can't manage these, we are going backwards and nowhere. stagnant and worst, people will loose hope on us, and desert us.

we, human, we are homo sapient not homonus nocturnas. we are not vampires. we are all inherently good people, nice, living by the principles. but ego mismanagement and ignorance ruined it all for us, for centuries. era by era, civilization after civilization. thus, let's pray that we stay on the right course, always. amin.

keeping promises

as promised, 1st of july, the rejuvenation day. i revamped my blog layout. apparently there were slight changes to the initial idea of retrofitting.

the earlier idea was to put teal as my background but unfortunately kinka, it didn't fit with page nicely and the color was too vibrant, overwhelming the rest and made it very difficult to read.

so i changed the main color, matched it with the main "volatile+redundant" header. those two words are best in defining me. in my writing world. hence the new theme.

so, keep on reading or visiting. and seriously i'd appreciate comments. in english, infallibly. my mandarin is not that sharp. mind me :P

drama in johannesburg

finally spain broke their quarter final jinx. once again, 175cm tall david villa is their hero. it was a very very difficult game. but, spain unwilling to trade and give up their tiki taka triangle short passing style of play, continue to press and press. 83 minutes gone before iniesta, pedro and villa broke the dead lock.

whatever it is, i think it is already high time for vicente del bosque, the former glorious real madrid player and manager to start cesc fabregas instead of torres. especially against the hardworking and technically sound german side. pact the middle park to overwhelm bastian schweinesteiger and sami khedira. to suppress the speed of young ozil and podolski.

but the game against paraguay was a howler. full of dramas. two missed penalties. two disallowed goals. two players spilled their blood for their teams. and it was twice against the posts for a goal. the soul goal. it was not that convincing but a win still a win. they worked hard for it.

so spain will meet the germans in durban in four days time. what a game, what a meet, what a rematch of euro 08 final. anyway, deustch, here we come..

beautiful football for a football romantica

barcelona and spain's playmaker xavi hernandez said that football should be attractive and easy on the eye, pleasant for the eyes to see. i totally agree with him. all my life i only know how to play, watch and support that kind of football. at least i tried my best to.

it makes it double satisfying when your team play beautifully and winning. i don't understand and i can't imagine how does it feel to play with all those so called modern efficient football tactics, to play ultra defensively and rely just on counter attacks. for me, winning a football match is to conquer the ball possessions, creating chances and of course, scoring outstanding goals. not scramble in front of the goal post kind of finishing. if you know what i mean.

both previous world cup finalists are out already from the competition. i guess, in the end, teams who play nicely individual and as a team will prevail. let's hope for the best, competitive games and high scoring matches!

breathing onwards

every time i came close, i propelled them away, further back. somehow my sincerity is always misjudged and showering me with misfortunes. i don't know what else to do. fickleness. is surely exhausting me.

sometimes we just have to stop looking back, appreciate what's in front of us, and start looking forward. living in the past won't take us anywhere. enjoy what's present and plan for the future. life in reverse is just stagnant. it's like a twinge into the old scars. rubbing salt onto the exit wound. breathing onwards is dynamic and it is all what we need to achieve what is missing. to purge back air and living into life.

whatever it is, stick to the principles. patience, be grateful, merciful, humility, and bear no ill thoughts. hope things will work out and turn up to be A okay. finger crossed, knees on the ground, palms held upwards and head's down. and i am just one phone call away if you feel like sharing it with me.

anyway, 11 days to rejuvenation day. and counting.

time for change

it is. it is now already june, and i feel like opting for a swing of mood. i need new colors. so, here are my new designs for light at the end of the tunnel version 1.2 which will be commencing next month. kick off at july the first. remind me on that. please. i usually forgot dates :) the new design is elemental by twisted stripes of colors. cheers~

la furia roja

world cup is here haunting us again. once again, being no longer a dark horse, my all time favorite team, spain is tipped as favorites to lift the cup there in south africa. currently they sit in first place in fifa world ranking ahead of brazil and argentina. and there goes the pressure mounting on the players and so do the supporters.

spain, lavished with bunch of talented players to pick from. they have the strongest squad all the way from the goal keeper to the top strikers, some said. they are relatively young with age average of twenty four, an exciting blend between young guns and old horses in the likes of barcelona's pedro and carles puyol respectively. they are technically sound, high work rate, their skills and ability are exemplary and they have been playing together for quite sometimes resulting as perfect gelled teamwork.

with san iker casillas between the goal posts, sergio ramos galloping at the right flank, with xavi hernandez, andres iniesta, david silva and francesc fabregas mastering the middle park, and power forward david villa up front, spain surely looks unstoppable. they have their own style of play, a total possession domination, tiring their opponents with short and neat passing, ready to electrify the atmosphere.

i've been supporting la furia roja or the furious red since i was 11. they had always been disappointed and disappointing in big tournaments, a total big flop, underachiever, it's like they couldn't replicate their club forms in the likes of valencia, barcelona and real madrid, until they finally broke their jinx in last euro 08 in austria, when iker casillas lifted the trophy eliminating all the rumors that there were politics issue in their dressing room saying that the barcelona captain puyol should be the national captain instead of the real madrid keeper since there were only 2 real madrid players in the team i.e casillas and sergio ramos (ruben de la red were still loaned to getafe during that time) compared to barcelona's xavi, pique, iniesta, etc. nevertheless the victory somehow sent a message to the big boys of world football e.g. brazil, argentina, france, italy or england that they were not to be taken lightly again.

but humility is the essence of success in this world cup for the spanish team as said by their sporting director come assistant manager, fernando hierro, former real madrid and spanish captain. they have to maintain their feet on the ground, focus and play like how they want to play their game. i am sure that they have learned from their past mistakes e.g the painful exit in previous world cup back in germany when france destroyed their hopes in the second round and failure to advance from group stage in both euro 04 and world cup 98 when hierro himself and raul were in the team.

whatever it is, just like what kinka said, rain or shine, viva espana! we'll see how their progress to the final, where brazil and italy are the potential opponents in their upcoming knockout stages. llueva o truene, vamos espana siempre!

No.	Pos.	Player	DoB (Age)	Caps	Goals	Club
1	GK	Iker Casillas (c)	20 May 1981 (1981-05-20) (age 29)	104	0	Real Madrid
12	GK	Víctor Valdés	14 January 1982 (1982-01-14) (age 28)	1	0	Barcelona
23	GK	Pepe Reina	31 August 1982 (1982-08-31) (age 27)	20	0	Liverpool
2	DF	Raúl Albiol	4 September 1985 (1985-09-04) (age 24)	23	0	Real Madrid
3	DF	Gerard Piqué	2 February 1987 (1987-02-02) (age 23)	16	4	Barcelona
4	DF	Carlos Marchena	31 July 1979 (1979-07-31) (age 30)	59	2	Valencia
5	DF	Carles Puyol	13 April 1978 (1978-04-13) (age 32)	83	2	Barcelona
11	DF	Joan Capdevila	3 February 1978 (1978-02-03) (age 32)	46	4	Villarreal
15	DF	Sergio Ramos	30 March 1986 (1986-03-30) (age 24)	60	5	Real Madrid
17	DF	Álvaro Arbeloa	17 January 1983 (1983-01-17) (age 27)	15	0	Real Madrid
6	MF	Andrés Iniesta	11 May 1984 (1984-05-11) (age 26)	43	6	Barcelona
8	MF	Xavi Hernández	25 January 1980 (1980-01-25) (age 30)	87	8	Barcelona
10	MF	Cesc Fàbregas	10 May 1987 (1987-05-10) (age 23)	50	6	Arsenal
13	MF	Juan Manuel Mata	28 April 1988 (1988-04-28) (age 22)	8	3	Valencia
14	MF	Xabi Alonso	25 November 1981 (1981-11-25) (age 28)	69	9	Real Madrid
16	MF	Sergio Busquets	16 July 1988 (1988-07-16) (age 21)	13	0	Barcelona
20	MF	Javi Martínez	2 September 1988 (1988-09-02) (age 21)	2	0	Athletic Bilbao
21	MF	David Silva	8 January 1986 (1986-01-08) (age 24)	36	7	Valencia
22	MF	Jesús Navas	February 26, 1985 (1985-02-26) (age 25)	6	1	Sevilla
7	FW	David Villa	3 December 1981 (1981-12-03) (age 28)	58	38	Barcelona
9	FW	Fernando Torres	20 March 1984 (1984-03-20) (age 26)	73	24	Liverpool
18	FW	Pedro Rodríguez	28 July 1987 (1987-07-28) (age 22)	3	1	Barcelona
19	FW	Fernando Llorente	26 February 1985 (1985-02-26) (age 25)	7	3	Athletic Bilbao